Originally supposed to be 100, but when I realzed how many that is (at about number 8) I decided less is more. Just fit these into your everyday conversation, and watch the hilarity fly.
(1) Hmm, you know, human flesh actually is rather tasty.
(2) You would think a lot differently if YOU had once been a woman.
(3) You know, sometimes when you guys aren't in the room, the fish talk to me. They tell me to kill.
(4) I was playing with a pencil and I... um... lost it. Can you drive me to the hospital? I can't really sit very well right now.
(5) I didn't get out much when I was a child. My parents had me chained to a dresser until I was twelve.
(6) It was delicious. Wait, I mean I have no idea what happened to your notebook.
(7) Do you know where I can buy some quality goat's blood at low prices?
(8) SHMOO!.... Dammit, you didn't start clucking like a chicken. I guess you just need more conditioning.
(9) Oh, look, there's a sale on ammunition at [insert store here].
(10) I'm thinking of dropping out of college and becoming a postal worker.
(11) I don't know anything about your missing underwear, but they sure are comfortable.
(12) I was on my high school's field hockey team, before the operation.
(13) What gets lots of blood out of white sheets?
(14) Do you mind if my gorlfriend stays with us this weekend. Well... replace girlfriend with pet sheep.
(15) Before you go in your room--I was really drunk, and, well, I thought it was a toilet.
(16) Man I miss home cooking. Like when my mom fed us raw dog meat.
(17) Do you know how to make plastique? Nevermind, I'll look it up myself.
(18) Can you help me put exactly one gram of this.... sugar.... in each of these baggies?
(19) Yeah, I like Asian women, too. If you add cloves and just a pinch of garlic when you cook them, they taste just like chicken.
(20) Well of course it smells out here, I have to mark my territory.
(21) Wow, it moves around a lot more now that I shaved it.
(22) Yes it was your pie, but it's still good, I used a condom.
(23) Wow I'm horny. Do you know where the nearest cemetary is?
(24) I've started my own voyeur webcam service, so when you're in the shower... put on a little show, you know?
(25) And then I told the guy, "You want a fight? Come by [your address here] in a few hours and my roomate will waste you. Bring all the friends you want, punk!"
(26) What are you complaining about, it's just like trading a white rug for a yellow one.
(27) Dammit! I keep carving my dark master's sigils into my arm, but they keep healing up!
(28) Enjoying your milk? *snicker* I hear its high in protein. *snicker*
(29) I need a new buttplug. By the way, here's your candle back.
(30) I cut off my sixth finger so I could blend in with you "normals."
Boy, typing those without that sixth finger was difficult.
--Scuba Steve, March 14, 2001