How the 733t Beat the Heat

As many of you might have noticed, if you live in America, for the past few months it has been inordinately hot. The heat kept on increasing and increasing, and I haven't seen snow in months. People keep assuring me that this is a common phoenomenon, and that it even happens every year. Reputedly it is called summer. I don't know about that (sounds like local folklore to me) but I do know that when I have to go to work in 97 degree weather, that something must be done.

That's why I have concocted a plan. A plan so devious that I'm absolutely certain that no one else has ever come up with it before in all of history ever. I purport that we blow up the sun.

In more primitive times, people worshipped the sun, when they should have been worshipping me.

Say it with me now, "Scuba Steve, you are a fucking genius! You are my God now." I know, I know. What would the earth do without me? I don't know. But if there's one thing I do know, besides that I must destroy the sun, it's that... damn, I guess the only thing I know is that I must destroy the sun. Luckily, after watching TV and movies for so long, I have an expert perspective on destroying things.

You see, on television, I have witnessed the destruction of many planets, and I assume the sun must go down the same way as most planets. You see, I've been told that this sun character may look small from the earth, but in reality it is many times larger, probably being at least the size of a large beach ball or a planet.

Now, I am no expert on the Sun, unless by the Sun you mean the tabloid. In fact, basically everything I know about the Sun I learned from the little known They Might Be Giants song, "Why Does the Sun Shine?" which gives an accurate description of exactly why the Sun shines. Too bad I never really paid much attention to it, or the knowledge would help me here.

Anyway, even though I don't know anything about the Sun, once I get government funding for this project I will simply bring in people who either have sun and planet destroying experience, or people who have experience destroying things similar to the Sun. These may include:

Vegeta sez: "I hate you and I WILL kill you.

• Vegeta - Fresh off of Dragon Ball Z, Vegeta has attempted to destroy Earth (well conquer it, but that's a technicality), been present (almost, another technicality) at the destruction of Namek, and he personally wasted another, inconsequential planet whose name I cannot remember on his way to Earth. Also, he gets pissed off really easily, and we can use that anger against the sun. And as a plus, he hates Goku, and wants to prove he's the most powerful Saiyan in teh world, and can do so by destroying the Sun.

• Mr. Burns - Mr. Burns, from the popular show "The Simpsons" once said, "Since the beginning of time, mankind has had one goal: to destroy the Sun," or something like that. He also successfully blocked out the sun to all of Springfield in one episode, which resulted in him being shot, but that just shows his dedication.

• P. Diddy - Known as Puff Daddy to those who don't give a fuck, Puffy has millions of dollars to use to destroy the sun. He wishes its destruction to prove that he is quote "the hottest thing" around. He can use his awesome skills of "stealing songs from the 1980's and making them sound like shit" to cause the Sun to explode.

• "Survivor" producers - This is great, you see, what we do is convince the Sun that we have voted it out of the solar system. We can have a tribal ballot between all the planets, and if the Sun gets teh most votes, we can send it off the solar system. The only downside is that afterwards the Sun will be featured on almost every late night talk show and later followed by all the tabloids.

• Mr. Mxyzptlk - Oh yeah, I have an omnipotent guy from another dimension on my payroll. Well, damn, this Sun destruction thing should be easy.

Oh-ho! Don't look so hot in an 8-bit gif file, do you, Sun? Muhahahaha!

With the help of all these superstars (if you can call them that) the Sun doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell of lasting throught thise whole "Summer" phoenomenon. And then we can exert our superiority over other planets. Mars, you're next.

--Scuba Steve, July 26, 2001