Greetings my fine compatriots, Zachary Smith here, better known as Doctor Smith from the popular science fiction series Lost in Space. Now, being lost in space for as long as I have, one develops certain methods to cope with the loneliness and such that one encounters when the only people you have to deal with are isolated idiots and a robot who is mainly just a bucket of bolts, and Scuba Steve has been tapped to share them with you. I don't like the guy, I personally think he's a reprehensible retard, but he's the only person on the entire internet who would publish me.
Now, on to the guide. First, there are a few simple games you can play with your mind to alleviate the boredom that you most definitely feel when there is no cable, radio, or Internet.
(1) Invent new insults using alliteration. This saved me from going crazy for the entire run of this program. One must just think up two words that start with the same letter and then say them to someone who is an idiot, like the robot. Some examples are "mental midget" "insensitive idiots" "crustaceous crack-smoker" and "boisterous bunghole." They don't need to make any sense, as long as they utilize alliteration.
(2) Take control of the robot. Then program him to do wacky things. You know the flailing arms and the "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!"? I came up with that, I also programmed in "WARNING! MY ARMS ARE FLAILING WILDLY!" but that one didn't get as much use.
(3) Try to pick up women. While, yes, there were very few women to choose from aboard the Jupiter 2, there were enough. I had romantic liaisons with all three of them behind he scenes, but the producers wouldn't allow it to be filmed. Mrs. Robinson was very dissatisfied after her husband got her and her children lost in space for years. And Judy would screw anything that walked. So what if Penny Robinson was one eighth my age? She was still hot!
Other than that, there was actually very little to do while lost in space. With my other free time, I plotted against the Robinsons, or generally took advantage of the situation to try and make myself more powerful or kill Mr. Robinson and especially Major West. William was very little problem for me, that scrupulous sucker believed anything I told him. I could convince the cherubic child of anything that served my dastardly purposes. And the robot was just a neurotic ninny.
During the first season I used my Doctoral knowledge to transform the show from black and white to color. That passed much time, but it still didn't keep me out of trouble. It also didn't get me a raise. In later seasons, I just concentrated on being dastardly and escaping the Robinsons. Those preposterous prison-keepers.
Another way to keep oneself occupied is trying to score with as many alien races as possible, but that becomes difficult when their anatomy is radically different from your own.
--Dr. Smith, via Scuba Steve's fingers
NOTE FROM SCUBA STEVE: The views of Dr. Smith channeling himself through my body do not necessarily reflect those of me or anybody. In fact, they don't reflect the views of the actor who played Dr. Smith or even the character Dr. Smith himself. In fact, I don't even think he was really a doctor. Think about it, the man never gave anyone medical assistance, and he didn't really seem to know how to do very much at all, but everyone paid him the respect that is deserved by a doctor. Curse you Dr. Smith, you lecherous liar!!
Check this webpage - Smithisms
--Scuba Steve, December 22, 2000