What We Forgot or Never Knew About Transformers

Remember the good old days, when cartoons we cool, non-computer animated, and drawn by people on drugs? All those awesome cartoons from back in the day, like Transformers, G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and company? They were the best thing that TV had to offer in the eighties. I mean, come on, they were the 80�s. Anyway, shirts, patches, bumper stickers and other paraphernalia have all been arising lately, in honor of these retro-cartoon gods. Many people, and I proudly admit, I am one of them, have been buying up these creations more quickly than they can be produced. This got me thinking. "But what about the actual cartoons," I wondered, "Don�t they deserve to be sought after as ardently as the other merchandise?" Seriously though, they ARE the basis for which we buy all this extra crap. Why not search after the originals?

The only thing I forgot about the Transformers on purpose was that for a short while Ultra Magnus was their leader.

After much consideration, I decided to go on my quest for the original Transformers episodes. After all, they are at least a billion times better than the computer animated shit they call "Transformers" today. Beast Wars my ass. Anyway, I decided the best way to do this would be to use my Godly internet connection. I�m at college, for Christ�s sake, why not make use of the facilities? So through Morpheus (props to the program!), I found vast quantities of kick-ass old school Transformers. What I found was more amusement than I had received the first time of viewing these episodes.

Not only did they contain the original joygasmic qualities for which I originally fell in love with them, I discovered stupidity beyond my wildest dreams. For those of you who don�t know me, I enjoy idiocy and irony more than most, ALMOST as much as Scuba. The robotic clich�s enclosed within these episodes amazed me. Most of the wonder occurred because as a child, I couldn�t really understand them, but as a big kid, I can. Random references to mathematics, elements, cars, and computers were strewn all over their colorful mechanical language. Although I can�t truly describe the experience adequately, I can give you some examples.

• -"Get away from me you beryllium buzzard!"

• -"I�m gonna give Megatron a nickel knuckle sandwich!"

• -"You�re a man after my own central processor!"

• -"Let�s haul cylinders!"

• -"I�d recognize their slimy contrails anywhere."

• -"This is what separates the autobots from the robot chickens!"

• -"No one calls me a robot chicken!"

• -"Stop that! It hurts my audio receptors!"

• -"You must have a defect in your logic circuits!"

• -"Kiss your magna-tails goodbye autobots!"

• -"Take that you flying trash can!"

• -"My sine function!"

Well, these are just a few examples of the hip robotic slang within old episodes of Transformers. If you want to be futuristic and completely incoherent at the same time, I challenge you to incorperate these phrases into your speech. And watch more classic cartoons! They may be lame, but they were from our childhood. Back when we just chilled all day... Sigh...fuck Calculus.

--Mike
--Editing/picture/caption by Scuba