KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA
The school year is just starting up again, and so, as a service to all of you who want to join a fraternal organization, I'm gonna help you join a frat.
Yes, join a frat. It's fun, you get to surrender all that hard earned individuality you gained after you graduated high school and distanced yourself from those unwieldly cliques! Do whatever it takes to fit in with a new group, from wearing lettered shirts constantly, to secret meetings, to tatooing letters across your forehead. Whatever it takes for automatic acceptance by a group of your peers!
Don't know what frat is right for you? That's what I'm here for. Well, that and supposed entertainment, but I certainly don't do THAT well. So here is a list of frats** for you all to keep in mind when choosing the fraternity for you. All written by actual fraternity members*.
(* = in my mind)
(** = May or may not be based on real fraternities)
KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA
Kappa Kappa Kappa has been around in America for over a hundred years. It was founded in the deep south after the civil war as a social group for southern rights. Kappa Kappa Kappa not only survives but thrives on college campuses, such as the lovely Bob Jones University that was so popularized in last year's election.
Kappa Kappa Kappa has many social events that can revitalize the spirit of its members. Rallies are held where all the members get together and chant. Bonfires are held every so often to bolster morale. And, in the late 18- early 19- hundreds a law was passed that allowed us to have parades in many major American cities.
Kappa Kappa Kappa has lots of merchandise for you, to let you show your pride as a Kappa Kappa Kappa member. White robes for our meetings, that are marked with Kappa Kappa Kappa's letters, are given to all new members, as well as tall, pointy white hats for them to wear, that cover the face. If they can't see your face, then everyone in the frat is equal, from the new members to older ones.
So if you'd like to join Kappa Kappa Kappa, then look anywhere for their call letters, Kappa, Kappa, and Kappa, or for their symbol, a huge flaming cross.
Blacks, Catholics, and homosexuals need not apply.
PHI MU SIGMA
Phi Mu Sigma is a ladies only sorority for girls who are in college and kick ass! We don't follow "men"s rules! No way girls!
Phi Mu Sigma is founded all the principle that all men are created equal and also inferior to womyn. Yeah, that's right, womyn, and if you spell it different we'll castrate you ourselves! We not only do not like men, but if we find one inside our house, we tie him to a chair, and tear off his penis slowly and painfully! And then we make him eat it to see what we have to go through when you sick "men" make us go down on them.
Also, we have high ranking members on many sports teams. In fact, most collegiate volleyball and womyns track teams are made up completely of PMS members. We do not allow cheerleaders into PMS, because they support the idea that womyn can do nothing but cheer on "men" while they play their silly little football games. I mean obviously, there are no rel life skills learned in football. Take a real sport, like track, where you learn about strategy and teamwork. "Men" could never do that.
And "men" aren't the only ones who deserve our scorn. Other sororities who are too "girlie" and do things like hang out with "men" or go support their facist "football games" and "penises" are our most hated enemies. They don't know what true femininity is all about. They probbly still have that facist "sex" with those disgusting "men."
So ladies, if you want a real sorority, join Phi Mu Sigma! We're the best womyn out here! And contrary to popular belief, we are NOT bitches.
ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA
[Read with a lisp for more humor]
Hey boys, you want a boys only fraternity where you can really be a man? Well come on over to Alpha Sigma Sigma. Yes, ASS is the greatest fraternity for silly gooses everywhere! We have chapters on every campus, including our hometown of San Francisco. And don't worry, guys who like to drink, there are plenty of bars that cater to our kind.... frat boys!
And don't worry about popularity, lots of big names in the media support us. Gay Dave, longtime resident homosexual at Scuba Steve's Venture Into the Unknown, said this about fraternities "i believe in frats..all those drunk boys..some times you can seduce them into doing gay things." What a prolific man. What a silly goose!
So join Alpha Sigma Sigma, and remember our slogan: We Love ASS!
[end lisp]
So have fun fratmonsters. And remember, if you do join a frat, pray to God it's not one of these.
--Scuba Steve, August 27, 2001