Well, since its obvious to most of you that the ideas just aren't flowing for anything new and original, I've decided to revisit one of my more successful series that I claimed to start and only wrote one of. Only one big problem there, and that would be that I am so far out of the hip-hop scene right now it is ridiculous. That being as it is, I have used my Internet researching skills to find a song that is popular (hopefully) and also begging to be made fun of.
Yes, that means I just picked a song by Nelly. For those of you who don't know, Nelly is a St Louis rapper who is funny as hell, though I don't think he's that way intentionally. His songs have included "Must Be the Money" and "Country Grammer" and a song where he covers "Old McDonald Has a Farm." Also, I think its obvious from watching him on TV (I watched "Diary: Nelly" a couple months ago, so I'm an expert) that hes a crazy person who shoults "EI" at completely random intervals. But were not here to make fun of Nelly, we're here to translate his bad lyrics. So here goes the second ever installation of the Hip Hop Translator:
| Hook: (paraphrasing "The Jeffersons") | I think the hook is what rappers call the refrain. |
| I say the fish don't fry in the kitchen | This is gangsta rap, so this must be a sexual metaphor, right? |
| Beans don't burn on the grill (that's right) | No, holy shit, he's actually talking about food! |
| It took a whole lot of tah-ryin " | Notice "tah-ryin. This is a fine example of ebonics, and it means "smocking crack" |
| Just to get up that hill | Nelly claims to be over the hill, even though he's only like 23 or something. I guess thats what the aforementioned crack does to you. |
| I said but now we're up in the BIG LEAGUES | BIG LEAGUES = PLAYED ON TRL |
| My dirty it's our turn at bat | I think "dirty" refers to his girlfriend |
| And just as long as we livin, it's Lunatics playa | Nelly is givin props to his hometown. Allow me to take this space to do the same: Hanover in da hizzouse! |
| It ain't nuttin wrong with that, huh - batter up | There's nothing wrong with hitting someone with a bat, or in my case a wrecking bar |
| [St. Lunatics] | That is the name of Nelly's posse |
| I'm the first to swing | Apparently this member of the "st Lunatics" will be the first one to be hung |
| I'ma run with that give-me-what-you-got thing, hot wings | I think he's placing an order at a restaurant |
| Fuck a dub, smoke an ounce, show me love | I think "Fuck a dub" means have sex with one of the people that does voiceovers for Karate movies |
| Hit the club, me and T-Luv holla what | This is a classic rap trick, where the words of the sentence are rearranged. It should read "T-luv hit me witha club, and i hollered "What the hell!" |
| I put my mack down, she throw a curve ball | Back in the restaurant (remember the chicken wing) Nelly put down his Big Mac when his ugly girlfriend was pitching |
| She owed Milli smoked that herb and some Llly-bone | Apparently she had been listening to Milli Vanilli |
| She tip-top 'em, Optimo | This is a mad shout out to the amazing Optimus Prime |
| First base, god livin like a worst race | Obviously this guy isn't satisfied with only getting to first base |
| First chase, throw yo' people and yo' kind | This is an oblique reference to midget tossing, which is illegal and thus something rappers do to maintain that bad boy image |
| Second lesson, smoke that herb and clear yo' mind | Smoke pot and the rest will come naturally |
| It's about time, second base wisdom rhyme | Its about time nelly finally got to second base. I mean, for crying out loud, hes rich AND famous |
| Sittin strong, skipped third base and headed home | Wow, how is that even possible? |
| Third baseman just don't understand baby what the bong | The third baseman doesn't know how to smoke up |
| What the fuck wrong, with this world today | That one actually speaks for itself |
| With these girls today, diamonds and pearls the way | Paraphrase of the oft heard quote "Women ain't nothin but bitches and hos" |
| You wasn't fuckin with me, leave, for the wrap that's in my seed | Somehow he has rolling papers in his semen |
| Now you stays on yo knees cause we's be in the big league | Soliciting oral sexual favors because of his TRL status |
| Cause we's be in the big leauge | As we determined earlier, big league for gangsta rappers means "They played my video on TRL" |
| Hook | Villian from Peter Pan |
| [Nelly] | EI! |
| Well you should see me now, I'm eatin Wheaties now | Wheaties apparently has sunken to a whole new low |
| I'm stealin second and third and lookin home peepin greedy now | Hahaha... He said "Peepin" |
| See me now, people call me speedy now | Nelly is obviously a minute man |
| Known for runnin the quickest miles | Dogs can't catch him, cops cant catch him |
| hit and run in any town, any ground | He'll crash into your parked car and drive away. Fuckin pussy |
| Rules 'fore I hit it, split it, lick it and quit it | Like I said, minute man all the way |
| And hit it, lick it, did I say lick it, (yeah) fuck it, lick it | Repetition. Wow, almost like a real song, except its got Nelly in it |
| Ain't no shame in my game, that normal shit ain't my thang | Oh I see, he's into really weird shit. Now I know what "Batter Up" means. He's gonna need a proctologist |
| If I stick with my dick then put your mouth on my brains | Women always say men think wiht their penises, so this makes perfect sense |
| I maintain through the atmosphere, what we got here | Nelly is equally as vacant lyrically at any altitude |
| A sucka in fear, hear the roars and the cheers | I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote from Mr T. Notice the trademark "sucka" |
| From the crowd when I take the mile, let me show 'em how | Nelly runs from the crowd after most of his shows, when they demand refunds |
| Hit the ball on the ground and make 'em get down | Nelly lost a nut? OUCH |
| Hook | It was also a really bad horor movie |
| [Sports personalities] | Not known for their grammatical skills |
| Well uhh this next young batter on deck | Someone else is gonna rap |
| He's still in high school (yeah I heard that) | Holy Shit, it must be lil bow wow! |
| (It's a great day though) | lil bow wow wasn't assraped by a security guard today |
| A good high school out in U-City of St. Louis, Missouri | Yeah, right, like there are any of those |
| (I think his name's umm, who knows.. | Memory loss is a symptom of excessive pot smoking |
| Mur-uhh, Murphey Lee or somethin) | convoluted babbling. Obviously drunk |
| [Murphey Lee] | Buddy Lee's brother? |
| I want my name not, not said but screamed | as in "Damn you, Murphy Lee!" |
| I went from fantasies to dreams, dreams to bigger things | I see, this is a Freudian psychoanalysis. Quite intriguing |
| I'm like Bennett I been in it since, ninety-three | He's been rapping since he was (# years old |
| You can tell cause my L angle 90 degrees | Murphy fits some geometry into his rap |
| I'ma sixteen year-old school boy, platinum skills | Nelly's gay pedophilia lets another bad 16 year old rapper loose on teh world |
| Swear to tell the real, the whole real to make a mill' | If you tell the truth, you can make a mill, preferably a saw mill |
| I lie little but still, talk straight up like motto | Not a clue. This guy is more confusign than Nelly himself. |
| I could tell you somethin now, you think twice about it tomorrow | Another famous quote: "Hear me now and think about it later" --Hanz unt Franz |
| I promise, I gets deeper than file cabinets when rappin | This begs the question, how deep are rapping file cabinets? |
| Money, money, money, money what's happenin | Wow, i bet it was really hard to come up with THAT line. |
| I'm comin up like family members in basements, and I stay bent | Holy shit! He buries family members in his basement! |
| Make a milli to play with, buy a building you can pay me | More standard gangsta rap about how "I'm richer than you are" |
| And the 'tic is who I came with | So he's Arthur, the noted sidekick of the Tick |
| You know how we do, we do, we do, we do, we do, we do | And Nelly ends the song with this incredibly deep and insightful line |
| Hook | As in "Check out this hook while my DJ revolves it." |
So there we go, a translation/interpretation of one of the defining hip hop songs of today. We learned something here. We learned that nelly likes to quote everyoen from Hanz unt Franz to Vanilla Ice. And we learned that Nelly isn't getting any. And we learned that that doesn't matter because he's a gay pedophile.
*NOTE*: If Nelly reads this, don't be offended, I can imply gay pedophilia from practically any song released in the last 10 years.
--Scuba Steve, September 4, 2001