I was sitting around the other day, and I wondered to myself, "I wonder how long God�s gonna live." I mean, that of course is assuming that there is a God, that he isn�t eternal, and that he isn�t dead yet. Taken these are big assumptions, but one can hardly say that their inverses are not. Anyway, I began pondering. Pondering will forever lead to trouble, but I always end up doing it. I started thinking, why was God so pissed off in the Old Testament? I mean, he killed one third of David�s people because he left Levi out of a census, he flooded the earth because he was pissed off at the way people were living, rained fire and sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah because he could only find ten good people in it, and on top of that, Lot�s wife looked back, so he decided to turn her into a pillar of salt. She was one of the "good" people too! I mean, I�d have to have a few really shitty millennia to justify such rage. Then comes the New Testament, and he�s all about love. Doesn�t smite hardly anyone for the next, what, 2000 years, or at least doesn�t leave his calling card. It doesn�t seem logical to me that someone could go from super-pissed to flower-child in a year or two.
So, I tried to think of what could make someone so pissed, and then what could retract that same incredible irritation. I tried to think of what would make me that fucking angry. What could I possibly be compensating for by showing off all of my power like that? Finally, it hit me! The only logical answer! God had a small penis. We�re not just talkin� small, but really itsy bitsy. Why else would someone ever get that angry? The anger, the compensation, it all made sense! The next problem arose. What could make him change his personality all of a sudden? The only thing that made sense was that his penis must have grown. Logic dictates that if a problem is what upsetting you, the alleviation of that problem will be what calms you. God must have gone through puberty. It�s the only logical explanation. When he discovered that his equipment worked, he went off to make use of it. Hence, Jesus was born. He was God and Mary�s love child. It all made sense! God made love to a human, (after all, who else is he going to have sex with?) and so his son was born. Why else would God wait so long to have a son? If the real answer was that he wanted to communicate his true intentions to his people, why did he wait so long to do it? He IS God, He SHOULD be all-knowing. He just couldn�t. He had might have had the idea, but the equipment just wasn�t available.
I should learn to stop thinking, it always leads to no good, however, this whole line of reasoning intrigued me. If we were created in the image and likeness of God, then we should, through reasoning, be able to figure out information about God�s lifespan using this newly achieved data. First of all, it would be important to note some facts about the human lifespan. Puberty for girls happens between the ages of 12-15 and for boys it happens between the ages of 13-16. A fair estimate, because God is created in the image and likeness of everyone, it that he went through puberty around the age of 14. The average lifespan of a human being is approximately 76 years. Now, God came into existence at some point. Because he went through puberty, a developmental stage, it is assumed that he came into existence about 14 "God years" before the time he went through puberty. What is a "God year"? How would one define it? Well, a God year will be defined as the amount of years God lives compared to one year of our own lifespan. This concept is not completely different than that of "dog years". For example, God went through puberty during the 14th God year of his life, and will die, approximately, in the 76th God year of his life. The main fact that now needs to be determined is when God came into existence. Scientists, by method of studying radiation dating back to the big bang, have determined the approximate age of the universe. All matter and energy was generated at the big bang. God is said to be power, for example, "the Lord is power"-Psalm 29, verse 4. There is a physics equations that states, Power=Work/Time. There is another that states Work=Energy, therefore, Power=Energy/Time. If God is Power, then God=Energy/Time. God could not have existed before energy existed, or God=0/Time, and therefore, God=0, making him nonexistent. Therefore, it is fair to assume God came into existence when energy came into existence, during the big bang. Anyway, the approximate age of the universe, according to the use of the Hubble Telescope, is 12 billion years. That minus the time since Jesus� birth gives us the approximate date when God went through Puberty, 1.1999998*10^10 years, or, about 11.999998 billion years. We now have enough data to set up a proportion:
| (time of God�s puberty) | = | (time of Human puberty) |
|---|---|---|
| (God�s lifespan) | (Human Lifespan) |
Therefore,
| (1.1999998*10^10) | = | (14) |
|---|---|---|
| (God�s lifespan) | (76) |
We are able to solve for God�s approximate lifespan, 6.514284629*10^10, or 65.143 billion years. One "God year" would then be equal to (God�s lifespan)/(Human lifespan) or 857,142,714.3 years.
I felt very validated after reasoning through this entire thing. Yes, I realize I am going to Hell. Thanks for the advice.
*DISCLAIMER:* this page does not reflect the actual beliefs of Mike, nor this website. If you were offended by this and did not listen to the warning, Mike would like to apologize for your lack of a sense of humor.
--Mike