I know this is totally unrelated to the article, but aren't cars with doors that open straight up infinately cooler?
As most of you can tell from reading the articles on this site, I am not a very pleasant person in general. Mostly I am a mean, whiny bitch all the time. Many would argue that I am the meanest whiniest bitchiest bitch around. But there is another level of unpleasantness that I can reach. An ascencion, much like when Gokou becomes a super-saiyan, I power up my mean bitch powers and become a super-mean-SOB. All it takes is for me to hit the road.
Yes, like many human beings, I am a rageaholic when it comes to driving. Seriously, when I'm behind the wheel is one of the few times I will let myself go nuts screaming violently at people in other vehicles. So, for your reading enjoyment I've tried to collect some of the thoughts I have while driving into a readable piece of writing for your amusement. Yep, you guessed it, this article is chuck full of excess profanity. Enjoy.
Why don't people use them? It's not as if they were incredibly difficult to activate. There's not a special code word you have to say. You don't need to connect them manually to a power source inside your car. It's not really difficult at all, you just need to flip a fucking switch. Apparently in some peoples little worlds though, said switch is too much of a hassle to bother with to let other drivers know your plans.
Wait, maybe that's it. Maybe there is a whole culture of morons out there whose pea sized brains contain the opinion that its funny to just turn without letting anyone know. Maybe Joe Imbecile is out there right now thinking "Hehe, I done just cut off that guy without signalling! I'm the man! Now maybe my dad will give me oral pleasure behind the barn!" But little to his knowledge his dad's already behind the barn topping off his older brother who just changed lanes out of the blue and ran an old woman off the road and into a tree! MMM Good Eating!
It especially pisses me off when they change lanes unpredictably in front of you and then act like you're following them too close or something. Maybe if I would've known that your punk ass was incapable of signalling I would've done like most people of the opposite sex do and avoided you like the pathetic loser you are! Or better yet, next time change lanes right into the side of my car! I dare you! I double dare you mother fucker! [5 points if you can identify that quote] I'll have my weapon of choice out of the car and shoved sideways up your newly dead ass before you can call the police on your yuppy little cell phone and tell them that it's my fault for not getting out of your way when you turn!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Solution: What I like to do, if someone changes lanes in front of me without signalling, is wait, and then speed to get in front of them, cursiong loudly to myself the whole time. Once in front of them, I will then proceed to change lanes back and forth repeatedly, signalling every time. This should serve to piss that person off at me as much as I have become pissed off at their senselessly stupid selves.
This weekend the lovely Amanda and I had the pleasure of going on an excursion to the Inner Harbor area of Baltimore, MD. [I realize that this website has not yet been graced by my volatile opinions regarding the entire state of Maryland (this situation will be remedied soon, because I just now noticed it) so I'll just let you pick up what you can from the remainder of this section of article.] Anyway, to get there from the dreary burg of Hangover, PA [the location of my luxurious summer home] you follow a number of roads, one of them being Interstate 695. No big deal, except when merging with I-695, I notice that I can follow it either South or West.
To understand the huge huge problems with the last sentence you just read, I will now explain how the highway system here in the United States works. North/South roads end in odd numbers, such as I-81 North and I-83 South. East/West end in even numbers, such as I-80 East and I-90 West. So how can I-695 run both South and West?
It makes no sense. It defies law. If I think too long on this, my head may just explode. Even now, because of it, thougts are ceasign to make coherent sense in my head. Up is down, black is white, Tom Green is funny. No wait, I'm certainly not that fucked up, he's still a worthless hack. But, nonetheless, the point is made--I-695 defies all the laws of (a)Physics, (2)Naming Abilities, and (d)Logic.
Solution: I guess if you live in Maryland, write your congress person. Also, stealing all the "west" parts off of these signs would force decicive action to be taken. Well, next time I'm bored and in southern Maryland....
This may not fall under the category of road rage, but it certainly doesn't fit under anything else except "Scuba is a paranoid schizoprhenic" and that has yet to become an article. I have a theory though, which I will now explain.
The police are in league with car companies to make money. Police pay off car companies to put spedometers and capabilities in cars. An example being spedometers that go up to 120 mph. Why would you possibly need this if the maximum legal speed for driving anywhere is 65? If your spedometer goes up to 120 and you only ever use your car at speeds below 65.1 mph, why, just as a fraction you are not even using 55/120 of your car's abilities. You need to drive that full speed every once in a while, because if you don't, your car's full potential is wasted idly. If the government really didn't want you to speed, it would just illegalize cars that went at speeds over 65. The only cars we would be able to drive would be Volkswagen Beetles and the infamous "Vitz," which I will elaborate upon more freely when I eventually write about Gran Turisimo. This proves that speed limits are not there for our protection, but to fatten the government's purse.
One could argue that most of the features on cars are useless anyway. When will you ever need, for example, to accelerate from zero to 60 mph in 2.6 seconds? NEVER! The only useful feature on cars is gas mileage, because the same government that is fucking us with its car/police/ticket scam refuses to do something to curb the ever rising gasoline prices that are constantly wasting my (and by my I mean my dad's, whom I often hit up for gas money) hard earned money.
Another benefit to the police is that the car companies give them cars to put off the side of the road, that "could" be police, just to freak people who drive by out. In return for all of this, the police and Uncle Sam pay the car companies lots and lots of money. So much so that car company owners who bow down to the government can afford to make cheapass cars in America without using sweatshops in third world countries, and can then appeal to us to buy American products that weren't made in sweatshops!!!
Solution: No, I don't know how to stop this probem. I guess overthrowing the government would do it. Or if Anarchy reigned throughout the world. But if we had Anarchy then streets could run in any direction and there would be no laws to stop people from turning without signalling.
--Scuba Steve, April 22, 2001