Scuba Savior

Wouldn't it be nice if I was God? Think about it, there would be no hunger, no poverty, no Dave Matthews Band... Yeah, I actually said it would be horrible if I was God too, and I certainly know you all did. I probably have a different reason however, because sometimes I like to imagine exactly what would have gone down if it was me, back in zero AD, instead of Jesus. So sit back and read exactly why you should be glad that I'm not Jesus, as I kick back over a microwave pizza and a Sobe and reminisce.

First off, I would do what I needed to do, but I would definitely have a bit more fun than Jesus reputedly did.

• John 2:1-12 - This is the story of the wedding at Cana. They run out of wine, and Jesus' mom, Mary, asks Jesus to help them and tells the servants to do whatever Jesus says. Jesus then makes water into wine. In Jesus' shoes, however, I would have taken a bit more artistic liscence. When Mary told the servants to do whatever I told them to, for example, I would have abused it. My exact words would be, "Get me some big wine casks full of water, and then you must all circle around them and jump up and down on one foot while clucking like a chicken." And I don't think I would've gone with wine, I would've made Kool aid. Why waste a miracle on what you can accomplish with water, mix, and sugar? And besides, then I would get to say "Oh Yeah!"

• Matthew 9:32-34 - In this passage Jesus heals a man who could not speak. Now, if I was Jesus, I WOULD have healed him... it just would've taken a bit longer. I would have been like "What do you want?" and when he didn't answer I would pretend not to know that he couldn't speak. You know, generally given him a hard time, have a little fun with him before I heal him.

• John 6:1-15 - You see, I never would have multiplied the loaves and fishes. If you're eating with the Son of God, you deserve better than that. I would have ordered out for pizza. Yes, it has been brought to my attention that at this point in history pizza had not yet been invented. Well, I say all the better. That way I could get credit for inventing it, it shouldn't be a problem for Jesus. That way instead of a "pizza," people would call it a "Jesus." You could order dinner from Jesus Hut, or maybe they could serve it as Communion in Church. Either way, if Jesus had pizza named after him, few could deny his divinity.

Knowing myself, I would also probably blatantly abuse my miraculous powers to simplify my life.

• I would fly, like a superhero. They would call me Super Jesus. I would fight evil, like Pontious "Lex Luthor" Pilate, or King "Magneto" Herod. I would have my trusty sidekick Peter "The Shepherd" to back me up.

• I would start a singing career with religious music, and allow myself to become popular under the name "Jesus Christ," After all, everyone would buy God's album. Then I would change my name to either "J-Chro" or "J. Diddy," just to annoy people.

• I would win bets using my divine powers, such as calling horse races that would not take place for weeks or months. I would also corectly predict the outcome of every single superbowl and subtly hide it in a biblical passage, so no one notices... That will get more men to go to Church on Superbowl Sunday.

• I would have a functional Popemobile, even though it is only zero AD. After all, I'm the head of the Church, I should get the perks, right?

Plus, I probably would have given a number of much different parables, which, in reality, teach absolutely nothing.

• The Parable of Guns 'n' Roses: Once there was a band called Guns 'n' Roses. It was lead by Slash Gun and Axl Rose (Hence "Guns" 'n' "Roses"). They made a lot of songs, like "November Rain" and "Welome to the Jungle." But one day they broke up, because Axl tried to make a music video about wanting to have sex with dolphins. Axl waited like ten years and then reformed the band without Slash. Fans hated the "new" GNR, because of a huge deficiancy in the "G" part. So Axl became hated by all. Slash, however spent all his time becoming a fall down drunk with no life. The end.

• The Parable of the Prodigal Ho: Once there was a pimp who had 2 ho's. One was a good ho, but the other decided she wanted the pimp to give her the money she had made so she could go out and see the world, so she went to him and said, "Pimp, I'm taking money and going out to see the world." Then, the pimp slapped her hard and screamed "Gimme my money, BIATCH!!" And that was that.

• The Parable of Lil' Bow Wow: Once there wasa 10 year old gangsta rapper who had a hit single about saving sex until marriage. Then he was raped up the ass by his security guard so hard he needed 17 stitches in his ass. The moral is, don't ever be a ten year old gangsta rapper.

There are more reasons that I should not be God, but I think what is written here should be good enough for me to be excommunicated by the Church, so I'm gonna stop writing. This article has already taken over a day to write after all. What do you expect from me? I'm not Jesus.

--Scuba Steve, May 23, 2001