Yes, everyone must idolize someone, we all have people to whom we look with respect and dignity. People who make us want to be like them purely because of their greatness and skill. People who show us how we should all live, and how great life would be if we were all perfect. People who, at the mention of their very name, are respected far beyond all others. We call these people "heros". Today, I write to you about one of these people, a man who's name echoes in the halls of greatness, a man who s known for his great feats, a man who has brought the mighty to their knees many a time, my own personal hero....
Sonny Chiba is my hero. Yes, thats what the entire first paragraph was about, but i felt the need to restate it, mainly because i like saying it. I'll say it again. Sonny Chiba is my hero. He is the man. One might say Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, or even if you are stupid Jet Li is much better, but you would be wrong, and if Sonny Chiba heard you say that, you would be dead wrong, because he wouldn't take your shit. He'd drop you like soap in a prison shower.
For those of you who don't know who Sonny Chiba is, you are apparently uncultured idiots. Just for you, though, I have created a short history of his life:
*Shinichi "J.J. Sonny" Chiba was born in Fukuoka, Japan sometime in the 50s or 60s. I don't know the exact date, but if I did I would say that it is a day that will live in infamy.
*He was a really good martial artist. They put him in lots of martial arts films. It must've been based on either his acting talent or his martial arts skills. I'm guessing his martial arts.
*He was in 125 martial arts movies, 21 of which were released in the United States. That's just astounding. I will one day own all of these movies. Then I will have a 10 day Sonny Chiba-thon. I wonder if subtitled versions of the Japanese ones are availible?
*He also starred in a number of Japanese TV shows: Key Hunter, Shadow Warrior, and Yagyu Juubei. I've never heard of them, but they've got Sonny Chiba in them, so they must be good.
*In the 80's he starred in a number of Japanese on stage musical productions. I want a bootlegged tape of this so badly that it actually hurts...
*In the 70's he founded the Japan Action Club, which later helped develop the motion effects used in the video games of today, like Legend of Zelda. If you liked the Legend of Zelda, Sonny Chiba owns you.
Thats enough history, let me just tell you, Sonny Chiba is the greatest Japanese actor in the history of Japan. He has starred in a number of films, such as Champion of Death, Street Fighter, Sister Street Fighter, and Return of the Street fighter.
There are very few things that are done by Sonny Chiba's characters in movies. They mainly have the same motivations and such. They are all wonderful martial artists. They all kill people at some point. They all rape at least one woman. In fact, if you are a woman in a Sonny Chiba movie, chances are really good that there will be a scene in which you get raped. Yet, somehow, they are all still the heroes of the movies. In Street Fighter, he kills a man, rapes his sister, and then sells her into prostitution. And he's a good guy.
He also has some incredibly strange fights to the death. In Champion of Death, for example, he fought a rampaging bull using only his astounding powers of kung fu and ninjutsu and such. Of course he manages to kill the bull with his bare hands, and what ensues is quite possibly the most disgusting scene in movie history. No, you sick perverts, he doesn't rape the bull. In fact, in Champion of Death, he even takes the honorable way out and offers to marry the woman he raped. Can you believe that she turned down an offer from a fine, upstanding citizen such as Sonny Chiba?
A new feature that I will be doing on this site every once in a while, as a homage to Sonny Chiba, is reviews of Sonny Chiba films. Look for reviews of Street Fighter, Champion of Death, hey, maybe even GI Samurai if I can find it. Coming soon.
SSVITU-more Chiba, less raping.
--Scuba Steve, January 19, 2001