Star Trek - the Previous Generation

For those of you who don't know, a new era of television has just emerged. How do I know? Well, there is always one thing that denotates a new era of television dawning, and I have deciphered what it is. Every new generation of TV is brought on by a new "Star Trek" program being created. And lucky for us, this new phoenomenon has been brought about, namely the new show "Enterprise" which was surprisingly enough on the FOX network.

Many websites out there that I have read reviewed this in only a paragraph on Thursday, mainly because the premiere was on Wednesday night. I scoff at this, mainly because I can't review anything in under a paragraph unless I use the Jay Sherman method and just say "It Stinks!" Also, I must point out that I didn't know that it premiered Wednesday, and thus I just saw the 2 hour pilot about 20 minutes ago (You can't blame me, all I ever watch is WWF, Comedy Central, and the Cartoon Network). And to be honest with you, it was pretty good.

I know what youre saying: "Scuba thought it was good? This must be some sort of trick... he must be lying." Well, I must admit, actually liking things is very uncommon for me, but that just means that when I do enjoy something that is just all the more reason for you to check it out - If I like it it MUST be pretty good. And think about what this means - if a new Star Trek ushers in a new era of television, andthe show is actually good, that means in the near future we should have a plethora of good tv shows. Now if only I could predict things accuratly, that might have a chance of happening.

Anyway, a lot of websites review of this show read like this "Yada Yada Yada.... the cast has a good chemistry together.... Yada Yada Yada.... That Vulcan girl is hot and smart, just like 7 of 9.... Yada Yada Yada.... The Theme song sucked." Well, in response I say this: I thought the cast barely interacted with each other in a chemistry-like way at all, T'Pal (or whatever) wasn't that hot, and I didn't see the theme song. So ha. I have come up with my own reasons for enjoying the show, listed below:

BAKULA IS YOUR GOD NOW
• Scott Bakula - That's right, Scott Bakula, THE SCOTT BAKULA, is the captain of this ship. Let me just say that I will watch anything that has Scott Bakula in it, he is the man. He is one of the leading scifi actors, not just of our time, but EVER. If you don't know who Scott Bakula is, you have missed out on so very much that by all rights you must've been frozen chryogenically since the late 70's, in which case we should get together and listen to some Ramones CDs. Scott Bakula was Sam in the wonderfully kickass show "Quantum Leap" where he played a guy who traveled back in time in other peoples bodies to right incredibly minor wrongs throughout recent history with the help of a sharply dressed hologram named Al.

• No Prime Directive - All of the other Star Treks had a rule for the Federation that they could not interfere with the business of another species, unless it was the last possible option. That means if theres people nearby who are bad, you can't shoot them until they do something to you first. This is lame. With no prime directive to get in the way, Scott Bakula and T'Pal and the other people who are in the crew can shoot first and ask questions later, or not at all. This means there is nothing to stop teh whoopass like in other Star Trek shows.
  
  Ensign Sato, the ships translator, would have to be my favorite non-Bakula character

• Translator Character - I forget what her name is, but there is this girl in the crew who exists solely to translate what aliens say so Scott Bakula knows whats going on. This clears up a lot for me. On the previous shows it always puzzled me how even though no ne had ever been to the *** (substitute "delta quadrant," "other side of the wormhole," "edge of the universe to meet fake God alien," "Rocky planet where black tar creature devours Tasha Yar," "Genesis planet," or your favorite Star Trek set) before, everyone on it spoke flawless English, except the Cardassians, who spoke flawless English except for hissing every once in a while. In fact, the only real language besides English ever used was Klingon, which means before humans, everyone in the galaxy mustve spoken Klingon, including Vulcans. And if you can imagine Mr Spock speakign Klingon with a straight face, I commend you.

• Sulibon - Enemy with a name that sounds suspiciosly like "Taliban." You can't go wrong with that. Off on an unrelated tangent, I find it ironic that when I told some people a few months ago that our government was bastards for giving $43 million to the Taliban their reaction was like "Who's the Taliban? Why shouldnt we give them money? So what if they treate women like shit and outlaw everything? Its just a different culture." And nowadays everyone is already ready to blow them off the face of the Earth. Yet another time when I was ahead of everyone. Damn I'm smart.

• Temporal Cold War - The Sulibon are recieving their orders from somewhere in the distant future. Let me repeat that.... orders from somewhere in the distant future! That is just twisted. Lets just think about it, if they recieved an order that somehow made the person who is giving them orders cease to exist, all of time would be destroyed, because the person giving them orders would disappear, and thus they never wouldve got the order that made him dissappear, which would mean he would reappear, but then immediately dissappear, and time would end, all because of Star Trek: Enterprise on FOX. Thats why time travel is a pain in the ass. Plus, we haven't even gotten INTO the last good thing, which is:

• Scott Bakula + Time Travel = good good TV!!!

So, in conclusion, if you like Star Trek, Scott Bakula, aliens, spaceships, FOX, violence, translators, security officers with southern accents, Vulcans as sex symbols, bad themes songs, time travel, cocaine, a doctor who uses folk remedies on a starship, more aliens, boldly going where no man has gone before, my taste in television, interspecies sex (we both know T'Pal will jump somebody by the end of the season), Scott Bakula, more aliens, phasers, alcohol, Scott Bakula, Sulibon, "When Vulcans Attack," did I say Scott Bakula???, or starship crews that don't incluse Wesley Crusher, you should probably check out Star Trek: Enterprise, which should be on Wednesday night. Come on, it must be okay if even I didn't hate it.

--Scuba Steve, October 2, 2001