Love with the safety off? What does a brain anneurism feel like?
Recently, read as, while I was on break not writing anything, some friends and I decided that instead of wasting away doing nothing in the little town where I live, oh, let's call it Hangover, PA, we should all head out and see a movie. Now, I was naturally skeptical, knowing that practically every movie released in the last 10 years or so are very bad, and that there are very few exceptions (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Austin Powers, Pulp Fiction, maybe about three more that I can't think of).
Anyway, in honor of my friend Guido, who we often joke is a Mexican, we decided to see the Mexican, starring Brad Pitt. I do believe that nearly everyone there thought it was about a person who was a Mexican, and I also believe that no one knew exactly how bad an actor Brad Pitt was, or the extent of Julia Roberts' bad acting abilities. What a burden it is to know these things and know that if you told people they wouldn't listen.
Anyway, I will now attempt to review the movie, and somehow express exactly how painfully bad it is. After that I will show you all the metaphorical meaning of it all. Don't be surprised at the large amount of cursing, this movie caused me enough misery to warrant it. Oh, I can't remember barely any names, it would be far too painful.
Alright, the movie starts out with Brad Pitt's character, whom I believe is named Jeremy, being taken to meet his friendly neighborhood mob boss, whom I'll just refer to as lesser mob boss man. As we learn later in the movie at some point he had smashed into the car of a higher up mob boss, I think his name is like Marsalis or something (I'll call him higher mob boss), and gotten the mob boss convicted and sent to jail, and was working off what he did so the mob wouldn't kill him. Anyway, lesser mob boss man sends Jeremy to Mexico to pick up the gun, called "The Mexican" from a guy, for the higher mob boss, who's still running the mob from inside prison, and is coincidentally getting out of prison a few days later.
Anyway, Jeremy's stupid girlfriend, Julia Roberts, is pissed off that he's going to Mexico so he isn't BRUTALLY SHOT TO DEATH, instead of going on a short, inconsequential trip to Las Vegas with her. She freaks out for practically no fucking reason, and throws a fit and dumps him.
So, Jeremy goes to Mexico, and rents an El Camino, the official car of Mexico, and drives to a small Mexican suberb, where he meets a guy named Beck, an American yuppie guy who has the gun. He gets the gun and Beck is mysteriously killed, I'm guessing because he was a very inconsequential part in a movie that was already too damn long. In this scene, we also learn the first of 3 parts of the legend about the stupid gun--It was crafted as a dowry for a nobleman to marry the daughter of a poor gunsmith, but it was cursed and never worked correctly.
Anyway, jackass manages to lose his car containing the gun, Beck's body, and a whole load of other stuff. Meanwhile, Julia Roberts is in Vegas and she is taken hostage by a hitman who says his name is Leroy. The gay hitman and Julia Roberts like form a special friendship, something very unprofessional in hitmen, and chat about their love lives for like forever. This is a very pointless part of the movie. Leroy eventually falls in love with a gay guy named Frank. This takes like half an hour or more.
Meanwhile, back in the actual plot, Jeremy gets the stupid gun back, with the help of a rabid stray dog that now listens to his every command. He is then forced to shoot this one Mexican dude in the foot, to prevent him from following him. He also finally realized that there is forces other than the ones from the higher mob boss trying to get the gun. Well no FUCK.... Damn this movie is like the stupidest thing ever, and an exercise in pointlessness. I haven't realized exactly how dull the plot is until I bothered to write it out all the way... I think around this point we learn thing #2 about the gun--The gunmaker's daugher was in love with an apprentice, and he placed a curse on the gun when he learned that he could not marry his true love, because she was now destined for a noble.
Anyway, stupid loses the gun.... AGAIN...... and they send him a guy to help him. They retrieve the gun, but the Jeremy figures out that the other guy was part of the other forces trying to get the gun. Think about the implications in that... it means that BRAD PITT OUTSMARTED SOMEONE!!!!!!! ARGHH!!!!!!!!!
Back in Vegas, Leroy's lover Frank is murdered by a black guy (remember he's black, its actually important later), who is then killed by Leroy. Leroy and Julia Roberts go to an airport to pick up Brad Pitt, whos ot the gun, but he doesn't show up because he left his passport with the guy that he figured out was working for people trying to get the gun away from him.
Anywho, they meet in another airport, south of the border and Leroy, Brad Pitt, and Julia Roberts all got in Brad Pitt's El Camino. They go for a little bit and all of a sudden, Pitt and Roberts get in a bitching session, causing Pitt to wreck the car. Leroy and he look at the tire and he pulls a gun on Leroy. They have a lil scuffle and Brad Pitt kills Leroy. He then reveals to Julia Roberts that that was not Leroy, because Leroy was a black man (told you it would be important later). The gay guy was actually named Winston (like the ghostbuster, except not as cool). PITT OUTSMARTS SOMEONE....... AGAIN!!!!!!!! Because of this, they figure that the lesser mob boss was the one trying to get the gun away from the higher mob boss.
Why do I put myself through the hell that is remembering this movie, purely for my readers' entertainment?
Anyway, Pitt and Roberts go toghether back to Mexico to wait for someone to give the gun to, and eventually Pitt is kidnapped by the newly released higher mob boss and told the final part of the story about the gun. The rich landowner had come and was gonna take the bride and teh gun, but then the landowner was gonna kill the apprentice who the bride loved, and she grabbed the Mexican, and they had a standoff, and he shot the apprentice, and then the girl shot herself, and then her damned soul was trapped in the gun forever. Anyway, higher mob boss man's cellmate had been the rightful heir to this gun, before he had died in the slammer, and he had been like a son to the higher mob boss, so he had decided to retrieve the gun.
The whole damn crew returns to the hotel in Mexico, where the higher mob boss takes Julia Roberts hostage for the gun. Only she HAS the gun. Anyway, they are forced into the same kind of standoff as in the gun story, only this time Julia Roberts shoots and kills the lesser mob boss. Then the gun goes to the higher mob boss, and Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts ride off into the sunset.
There were a few entertaining features in this movie. Well, three total. The rabid dog was funny as shit. There was a traffic light that was constantly broke, which was rather funny. Also, when they told the gun story, it was shown on old 33mm tape, and the whole classic movie-esque part was rather cool. Other than that the only entertainment came from wisecracking and laughing whenever Brad Pitt thought he was cool.
Now that I've caused myself enough pain to fully recall the horribility of this movie, here's the why of it all. The underlying message is that everyone should be in its assigned place. Follow me on this, everyone who dies is in a place they don't belong. Here is a list:
Beck: Yuppie white guy who does NOT belong in Mexico.
Gay Frank: He was far too gay to belong in this movie.
Real Leroy: Straight guy in a room occupied by 2 gay guys. Also a black guy in an otherwise completely white movie.
Winston: A gay guy who was trying to fix a car. The gay community is not known for their automotive skills.
Guy sent to help Pitt: Incredibly white man south of the border.
Lesser Mob Boss: Wussy accountant man who is in Mexico (where he doesn't belong) and trying to be badass (again, something he just can't do).
See? It's all about conforming to your preset position in life. Stupid conformists. Thats why they got Pitt and Roberts to star in it, who's more conformist than them?
And now that I've written about all this crap, I'm gonna add pictures and forget I ever saw this movie. I suggest you do the same, unless you've never seen this shitfest, in which case NEVER DO.
Dammit writing this hurt my brain.
--Scuba Steve, March 13, 2001