And it started, a golfing clash of the titans that would truly decide which of my roomates named Mark was the superior at Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2000. And I am writing about it. As a spectator, let me tell you, it is no more or less exciting than watching actual televised golf. The only problem? Golf is more boring than most of my classes.
As with all good golf games, it began with an argument. Who gets to play as the black guy? The black guy being Tiger Woods. Of course you want to be him. For crying out loud, if the game is named after him, he's gonna be the best character. It ended with Rocky getting Tiger Woods because of a clerical error. Don't ask me to explain, it's complicated.
As we watch the game of golf, Dave feels the need to complain about his love life. Lots of guys, lots of unpleasant situations. Mainly stuff nobody wants to hear about.
They're on the sixth hole. Nothing has happened.....
Hole #7 - Wendel ALMOST gets the ball in the hole. His character (the white guy) gets angry and throws his hat on the ground. What a poor sport.
Hole #8 - Wendel makes a par attempt... the crowd is hushed. Because its just me. He hits it and....... PAR! Victory in hole #8 goes to Wendel!
Hole #9 - Wendel invents extreme playstation golf - straight through the woods. I will keep you notified if his character is eaten by a bear. Meanwhile, Rocky sinks a nice birdie.
Hole #10 - Damn.... left the room to help Dave install Unreal Tournament so i can kill him later and I missed the most important part of the game. Rocky says it was.."a heartbreaker... A real nutcruncher!"
Damn.
Hole #11 - As I look at the screen, both Marks are in a sand trap. Enough said.
Hole #12 - Golf too dull to hold conversation about. We chatter on about how awesome our room is. Dave decides that he can't have hot mansex, so he might as well eat chocolate.
Hole #13 - Wendel screams "PAR!" as loud as he can when he finally attains it. Shinigami helps Dave fix his Unreal Tourney problem. Dave will soon die a horrible horrible death courtesy of me and a minigun...
Hole #15 - Rocky -2, Wendel +12. Its obvious who's got Tiger Woods.
Hole # 16-17 or thereabouts - Game called when the intense excitement causes the heart of a man in the virtual audience to have a heart attack and die.
Hole #18? NO. Just... no...
Obviously, the goal of golf from the beginning of time has been preserved since then and has continued today. Boring people to tears.
Be sure to join us next week when we commentate a much more exciting sport, Nationally Televised Bingo.
--Scuba Steve, January 18, 2001
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