Helmets? We don't need no steenking helmets!
Much ado has been made recently about the newly established XFL, started by Vince McMahon. It's reputedly "real" football, played by "real" men, or something like that. It's garnished as many supporters as it has detractors. It's Exxxxxxxxxtreme! I wanted to write an article about the XFL, but it is on one of my infamous lists. For those of you who have not read my dissertation on how I write articles from lists, I make a list of a number of things that interest me, and then combine 2 or more into an article, so as to not let it get boring. With that in mind, I'd like to write out exactly what I believe will be the next step in the whole "new football league" theory.
The MexFL, or Mexican Football League will be formed in the year 2004. The basic premise? Mexicans play football. They get allowed to stay in the country to play, but they are allowed citizenship if they win. Okay, no they're not, that part just sounds good.
This whole idea combines a number of things that need to be done. It adresses the whole deal of "new" football leagues. It also cuts down on illegal immigrants, because they can all try to get into the country by playing football. The players are fighting for the right to get the hell out of Mexico, so you know they will play extra hard.
You think the XFL is exxxxxxxxxxxxxtreme? In the MexFL people will go on playing after breaking their arms or legs, because if they don't they will be left behind on the field. There will be no mercy, because any other team you leave alive could one day get you exiled from America. Crippling other players will be smiled upon.
Even I would go see this live. The MexFL would eventually gain rules such as "barbed wire on all the yardlines" and "fire in the endzones". But it will be nothing compared to....
If you thought the XFL was EXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTREME!!!!!! then you got another think coming when you witness the TexFL (Texas Football League. The TexFL will be formed in 2008 after George W Bush leaves office after his second term. After Michael "W" Dukakkis becomes president, Bush starts his own football league using his daddy's money.
They play by Texas deathmatch rules. Any team that loses, gets electrocuted to death. The scores are all a little "questionable", as they are kept by real live Texans, and as most of us know, the education in Texas IS the worst in the country. Dave blames this on the Mexicans oddly enough, just a little connection between the MexFL and the TexFL.
Also, in the TexFL, like in Texas, guns are completely legal. Shooting other players is actually encouraged, as it shows that the players are not only big and strong and can tackle and beat u each other, but they are also good target shooters as well.
Sadly, after about 1 season there are no players left alive. This means that there is a void for a NEW football team, and soon to join the ranks of the elite is.....
Yeah, we all knew it was coming because my mind is constantly in the gutter. If you thought senseless violence and killing was totally EXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then you have no IDEA how incredibly EXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTREME this is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can all guess the concept, half the teams are male, half are female, and the scoring is definately NOT kept to a minimum, if you know what I mean. Damn, I figured this one would be easiest to write about, but now that I think about it, anyone reading this page has already heard practically every possible sex joke I could make about football, from your basic "tackling tight ends" to your extra kinky "kicking the extra point". Just make up your own little witty SexFL jokes. But keep in mind, it's EXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I'm gonna go watch my ass some Outlaw Star, because it's nearly 12:30 in the morning, and I have an 8 o'clock class.
--Scuba Steve, February 14, 2001