Report by Tsu Nam
KUALA LUMPUR, Jul 3 (Seachange Malaysia) – Law Minister Rais Yatim today shocked the world by unveiling Malaysia’s new Chief Minister in a press conference today.
The new Chief Minister appears to be a male adult orang-utan called Bobo. He was led in by trainers clad in a judge’s wig and robes and seemed bored by the attention surrounding him.
Rais Yatim said that orang-utans are undoubtedly the most intelligent and man-like of the great apes and tests conducted on Bobo, in particular, had proven him to be an Einstein of his species.
When asked whether even an Einstein among orang-utans could learn the intricacies of the law, Rais Yatim answered: “That’s not the point.”
Cabinet, he said, had approved the choice so as to restore the reputation of the Malaysian judiciary, which had come under recent attack at home and abroad for its perceived lack of independence.
“As there is a wide gulf between human speech and animal speech, no one can thus accuse the Executive of interfering in the judgements made by Bobo,” he explained. This was the government’s response to foreign observers and international law experts who had written a scathing report on Malaysian justice entitled ‘Justice in Jeopardy.”
“Bobo would signify that a defendant was guilty by raising his right hand, or not guilty by raising his left. In cases where damages had to be paid, Bobo would indicate the amount using bananas, with one banana signifying RM100, 000.”
When asked whether Bobo would be able to make his judgements fairly, Rais Yatim again answered: “But that’s not the point.”
In cases where the government is not involved, Bobo, he said, would be allowed complete discretion in raising either of his hands. However, it is generally accepted that the government must win all cases in which it had an interest in, as it has since 1988 when the judiciary was reformed.
Rais Yatim declined to say how this would be managed, but it is speculated that the attorney general would be on hand to direct Bobo using appropriate signals.
In addition to Bobo, four other orang-utans of exceptional ability had already been earmarked for promotion as Federal Court judges. This was so as to be able to form a quorum when needed for the most important cases.
Rais Yatim added that the recent controversy over the outgoing Chief Justice, Eusoff Chin, holidaying with a prominent lawyer in New Zealand would be avoided in future. Eusoff Chin had claimed that he had only coincidentally bumped into this lawyer on a visit to the zoo.
Bobo and his fellow judges, he explained, would be unlikely to go overseas for holiday. And if they visited zoos, it would generally be behind bars so no hanky panky would be possible.
At the end of the press conference, Bobo was given a gavel and told
to smack it against the bench. Instead, His Lordship scampered about the
room, smacking it on the heads of terrified journalists.