KUALA LUMPUR, 16 NOV (New AFP) - The Malaysian Chinese Association, a component party of the ruling Barisan Nasional, is offering ethnic Chinese free psychiatric treatment in the runup to the general elections to be held on November 29. The treatment is reportedly being offered to all Chinese voters who are contemplating voting against the government.

According to MCA President, Datuk Seri Ling Liong Sik, 99% of Chinese are right behind the government. The remaining 1% just needs psychiatric treatment.

Said Datuk Ling, "We are offering this as a community service to the small but tragic number of Chinese who, because of mental weakness, might vote against BN on November 29. Any Chinese who are unable to see how great, wise and good a leader Mahathir is or how just, corruption-free and democratic the government is should immediately make an appointment through their local MCA branch."

Although their proportion is small, Datuk Ling said that these misfits still number in the tens of thousands and, as such, could exert an influence in marginal seats.

Heading the specially trained team of psychiatrists is Dr. Chua Soi Lek, an MCA Central Committee member, who disclosed that the most modern mind-altering techniques will be used to help these unfortunate individuals see the error of the ways.

Dr. Chua explains, "Depending on the severity of their affliction, patients may need to stay at Wisma MCA for a period of one to five days. The treatment progresses in stages but patients can end the treatment after any stage by signing a statutory declaration that they will vote BN on Election Day. This must, however, be backed up by a successful lie detector test.

"The first stage is to get patients to read non-stop for 24 hours, articles from New Straits Times, Star, Sun, Utusan and other local dailies in a confined space, without food or water. These are specially chosen articles that either praise the government or badmouth the Opposition.

"Stage 2 is to blast them with Quranic verses at 100 decibels for one day while showing them video clips of persons whose hands, feet, genitals and neck are systematically chopped off. This is so as to instil in them a proper fear of an Islamic state.

"The next stage is to bombard then with video re-enactments of the May 13 riots. Spine-chilling background screams, sirens, revolving lights and high-powered air conditioners are used to create an atmosphere of terror.

"Stage 4 makes use of Pavlovian association. The patient is given a sample voting form at a steady rate over 24 hours and asked to simulate voting. The patient is rewarded one ringgit every time he or she votes correctly, but a powerful electric shock is administered every time an incorrect vote is detected."

But Dr. Chua would not enlarge on the fifth and final stage, saying only that "the Special Branch guys are called in."

Upon discharge, patients are each given a free pre-election kit that guards against relapses. Sponsored by Chinese guilds under ACCCIM and FCAM, the kit consists of a pair of blinkers, a pair of ear plugs and a muzzle.

Patients are advised to immediately put on the blinkers every time they see an Opposition party poster, or the ear plugs should they happen to come within earshot of an Opposition rally. And every time they feel like criticising the government, they should muzzle themselves without delay.

The scheme has been praised by Prime Minister Mahathir as being a valuable contribution to the country.

Seachange Malaysia

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