The Rafidah Aziz School of Ball-Carrying was in a tizzy that morning, it being the day of its Annual Concert. The students had worked extremely hard for this important occasion for which many parents and important guests were expected. The school hall was richly festooned with strings of multi-coloured balls and these also decorated the passageways of the school. For this special event, all the students wore a couple of balls stringed together around their necks or waist; the more advanced the student, the larger the pair of balls.
Upon arrival, each VIP was greeted by the Headmistress Rafidah Aziz, around whose neck dangled a pair of huge rainbow-coloured balls that entirely overwhelmed her breasts. Accompanied by a flattering burst of music, each VIP was then led down a red carpet by a student who carried in front of him or her, a silver platter containing twin silver balls, polished to a dazzle. This was of course, to show symbolically that the VIP’s balls were being carried.
When all were seated in the great hall, the Headmistress, with her balls bobbing up and down as she strode up to the stage, first of all, launched into a welcome speech:
“Our honoured VIPs, in particular, Datuk Seri Ling Liong Sik and Datuk Samy Vellu, parents, ladies and gentlemen, I am delighted to welcome you all to our School’s Annual Concert. The school is indeed unique in the world for here, we seek to pass on to the younger generation, the noble and refined art of ball-carrying. I myself, before my retirement from politics, was honoured to have carried the weighty balls of no less a personage than Prime Minister Mahathir, our beloved Father of Modern Malaysia.”
Here, Rafidah paused significantly to let the grand fact to sink in and for the ensuing applause to die down. Indeed, it was well-known that as a Cabinet Minister, Rafidah had been allowed to enjoy the fruits of corruption under Mahathir’s wings. She continued: “Parents, you have wisely chosen to send your sons and daughters to this school. A great future awaits them for there is today, an enormous and insatiable demand for skilled ball-carriers in our country. You can expect your children to attain high positions and become household names as a result. Also, they will enjoy protection from prosecution no matter what they do. Expect the benefits of corruption to trickle down to you.
“I’m sure you’re all impatient for the Concert to begin, hence, I shall not bore you with a long speech. But I would like to first of all, confer honorary PhDs in Ball-Carrying to two of our most honoured VIPs here today, who have achieved national fame as Ball-Carriers Par Excellence. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you can guess that they are none other than Datuk Seri Ling Liong Sik and Datuk Samy Vellu!”
There was warm applause as Datuk Ling and Samy Vellu were carried aloft by students up to the stage to receive their certificates. As with Rafidah Aziz, they too had carried the balls of Mahathir which, though exceeding heavy, had no lack of willing supporters. Like Rafidah, they too had been allowed to feast on the banquet of corruption for their labours. The Concert was then ready to begin.
The first item was a song presented by a group of junior students. The lyrics had been penned by none other than the Headmistress herself:
Come one, come all,
Come and carry the prime minister’s balls.
You can lick them, kiss them,
But you must not let them fall.
And soon, you will grow tall
Because you have your hands on his balls.
Come one, come all,
Come and carry the prime minister’s balls.
The catchy tune and meaningful lyrics were a hit with the audience who showed their appreciation by putting their hands together at the end. Next, a ball carrying competition was announced. Five competitors stood in a line upon the stage, each behind a box filled with large plastic balls. The winner was the one who could balance overhead the largest number of ball. The rich symbolism of this competition was not lost on the parents who cheered the competitors enthusiastically. The first prize was predictably a pair of silver balls the size of coconuts, kindly donated by the New Straits Times.
After this, the audience was treated to a display of gymnastics with students balancing balls on their heads, juggling balls and turning somersaults while balancing on balls. The hall exploded into wild cheering, for it could scarcely be believed that so many different tricks could be performed with these round objects.
A vigorous dance item followed after, performed by boys and girls wearing strings of balls around the necks, wrists, ankles and waists and carrying balls in their hands. The rhythmic jigging of balls combined with the beat of music to produce an almost hypnotic effect as the dancers twirled gracefully about the stage in celebration of the joys of ball-carrying.
Next, was a sketch by some final-year students entitled ‘The Art of Ball-Carrying.” One of them acted the role of Prime Minister while the rest gathered around him as sycophants. The dialogue was both sharp and witty:
PM: ‘What a fine day today.’
Sycophants: ‘Oh, it’s a fine day, a very fine day indeed. Your Lordship has picked a very fine day for a walk. Congratulations your Lordship! Your wisdom of choice is most profound.’
PM: ‘Let’s take a rest in the shade of this fine tree.’
Sycophants: ‘Oh, it’s a fine tree, a very fine tree indeed. Your Lordship has picked a very fine tree to rest under. Congratulations your Lordship! Your luck in encountering such a fine tree is most enviable.
PM: ‘What a horrible day today.’
Sycophants: ‘Oh, it’s a horrible day, most wicked and horrible indeed. Don’t worry your Lordship, we shall have the heads of those incompetent morons at the Bureau of Meteorology.
PM: ‘What a horrible tree this is.’
Sycophants: ‘Oh, it’s a horrible tree, most wicked and horrible indeed. Don’t worry your Lordship, we shall have the heads of those incompetent, idiotic gardeners who dared plant this excrescence.
And so on. The beauty of the sketch was such that it brought tears to the eyes of many parents, some of whom rushed forward to congratulate their offspring-sycophants as soon as the play ended as a thunderous applause shook the hall.
After a few more items, the Concert drew to a conclusion and all agreed that it had been a most rewarding experience. Headmistress Rafidah Aziz then closed the event after publicly reading out loud a letter of thanks from Mahathir to her praising her ball-carrying skills. He wrote: 'After you leave my service, my balls will sorely miss your support for you are indeed, the Queen of Ball-Carriers. The nation will always be indebted to you.'
Tsu Nam, 16 February 2000