At the Mahathir School of Lies and Hypocrisy, the graduating class was in a state of fervent anticipation one morning. It was the end of the academic year, the final exams were already over and most of them had passed. The founder himself would be coming in to offer congratulations to the new batch of BLH degree-holders.

He arrived fifteen minutes late. But Dr. Mahathir excused his tardiness saying that he had been entertaining an important guest who had overstayed his allotted time. Although all the students knew this to be a lie, they nevertheless admired the firm and convincing manner in which he had lied. Losing no time, the founder launched into a speech that many a graduating class had heard over the years:

"Students! As graduates of this school, you have good reasons to be proud. Our school is indeed the foremost in the world for the training of liars and hypocrites. Our pre-eminent position is attested to by the fact that we have here, in this class, students from Burma, China, North Korea and even as far away as Iraq and Serbia. Most of you will soon take up positions in the government of your country and, through the skillful exercise of hypocrisy and lying, attain pre-eminent positions. I sincerely hope that you will be wonderful liars and hypocrites so that the dedication of your teachers will not go to waste and the mission of our noble school will be fulfilled."

This was warmly received with a burst of applause, after which, Dr. Mahathir continued:

"Remember, those of you who are not good liars will have to be good ball-carriers instead. Now isn't it far better to have your balls carried rather than be forced to carry not just your own but other people's balls as well?"

At this the class burst out in appreciative laughter. Indeed, they were in perpetual contempt of the nearby School of Ball-Carriers and its mistress, Rafidah Aziz, was to them an endless target of lewd jokes.

A student stood up to proclaim: "Dr. Mahathir! We will remember you every day."

"Thank you Bodohwi. I am glad to hear you practising your lying skills. But you could have improved the statement by saying: 'Dr. Mahathir, we will remember your every second of the day, even when we are sleeping.' Remember, lies are more believable if they are BIG. For extra convincing, you could also take an oath on the Koran before lying, understand?"

Bodohwi nodded although he looked unhappy. A teacher had once told him cuttingly that he would have made a better ball-carrier than liar and he had wondered about taking a double degree. After all, his father had strongly encouraged him, telling him that versatility wouldn't hurt a bit.

Then another student stood up and after swearing on the Koran, declared: "If I ever become Prime Minister, Dr. Mahathir, I pledge to donate RM200 million of public money to our beloved school."

"Very good Najis," observed the founder. "You almost convinced me for a moment. Now, if you are asked to keep your promise, what would you say?"

Thinking furiously for a few seconds, Najis replied, "That we cannot afford it at this time because the money is required for low-cost housing."

"Excellent, Najis. But what actually would you have done with the RM200 million?"

"I would build an official palace for myself," Najis replied confidently.

"You are truly an A++ student. This illustrates the general principle, boys, that lies are all the sweeter if they are combined with?"

"Hypocrisy!" they all answered in a chorus.

"Good. Now let me ask you a question. How would you explain this RM200 million palace to the public when the matter is politicised by some troublesome individuals, such as the Opposition?"

Noticing a raised hand, the founder said, "Yes, Dummy Vellu?"

In a nervous voice, Dummy Vellu replied, "Dr. Mahathir, I think the answer should be that the palace can be used to generate revenue for the nation by charging visitors."

"What? What? You silly fool, just like your daddy. Do you think the PM would want his personal palace to be invaded by the stinking commoners?"

There was general laughter at this for Dummy Vellu was not the brightest member of the class.

"How about lying that the palace costs only RM17 million," suggest Ling Sicko.

"That's better, but any fool can see that it would not be enough even to cover the landscaping. So you must, at the same time, ban the local news media from publishing pictures of it, understand? But that's still not the best answer."

They whispered among themselves and several suggestions were offered but none it seemed, impressed Dr. Mahathir. At last, giving up, the class begged for the best answer to the question.

"Okay boys, listen carefully. You should blame the approval of the palace on someone, that is certain. Now, who better to blame it on than your deputy prime minister? You might even want to sack him first. Tell the public that the DPM himself wanted to live in a fine palace, so he designed and approved it as he planned to challenge the prime minister's position. You should also offer some proof. For instance, if the DPM has six children, you should question why there should be six bedrooms in the palace. If his mother is confined to a wheelchair, you should question why there is a passageway for a wheelchair. Understand?"

For a few moments, the class seemed stunned into silence. Then they broke into uproarious applause. Many hurriedly whipped out notebooks to jot down this pearl of lying wisdom.

"Another thing. If the palace is built during a recession, this would allow you the opportunity to practise hypocrisy to the full. You should blame the poor state of the economy on foreigners on the one hand but, on the other hand, import expensive French furnishings for your palace. Understand?"

A student asked: "Please Dr. Mahathir, what is the best way to sack a DPM?"

Dr. Mahathir cleared his throat importantly before replying. "This requires the greatest exercise of the noble art of lying and hypocrisy. This level of proficiency can be achieved only after many years of practice. You should accuse the DPM of corruption, being a tool of foreigners, betraying the country, ruining the country with his policies, sex with women, prostitutes, transvestities and minors. Ah! And don't forget the sodomy, that will be the nail in his coffin. You may not have any proof, but as long as you keep talking about it with a straight face, people will believe you, understand?"

At this the applause and cries of admiration were so great that order could barely be restored. The class sang 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' and then rushed forward to shake the hand of the Master Liar and Hypocrite hoping that some of his skills would rub off on them.