*# A Snappin’ Turtle Pentecostal #*
I’ve been doin’ some readin’ ‘bout the Mormon seagulls, and I’ve come to realize that there’s one thing ‘bout religions - whether they be Christian or not - that seems to be consistent. = There always seems to be some kinda’ animal that has an important role of some sort ‘r other in their religious stories or traditions. With Christians, it’s an ass and a dove. With other religions it’s a different animal. I believe the Celts and the American Indians took into consideration all the animals in their religious dogmas, in one form ‘r another. But there is one thing fer sure. = You’ll find an animal playing some kind of role in most religious teachings.
Here, let me introduce myself. My name is George Hamblee, and I would like to tell you about my neighbor, Jonathan Furrlong. He’d been studyin’ on what church to go to. I mean, he’d talk to ‘em all. He’d talk to Mormons and to Catholics -- to Methodists, Presbyterians and Baptists. But he told me one time that he was sorta’ favorin’ the Pentecostals. He said he liked that singin’ and shoutin’ and dancin’ around that some of ’em did.
He went on like this fer months, checkin’ ‘em all out. And then one day he told me that he’d just plumb give up! He said he was goin’ down by the creek and see if he could sort things out. Well, he was gone fer a day and a half, and no one had heard from him yet. I got worried about ol’ Jonathan, so I went alookin’ fer him.
I didn’t much like goin’ out into these woods ‘round here. I’m not a woodsy type o’ fella. I’m a city boy, and here in southeastern Kansas, they got all kinds of creatures out here in the woods near creeks and lakes that I don’t wanna have a conversation with. I don’t know how many kinds of snakes there are, and then there’s the alligator snappin’ turtle. Now that sucker can get up to two hundred pounds!
Anyhow, so tuckin’ my fear into my back pocket, I went down alookin’ fer Jonathan, and I was complainin’ all the way. I had to go look fer him cuz I was the only one who knew where he went. So there I wuz, mutterin’ to myself as I was stumblin’ through the woods towards that creek Jonathan and I used to fish at. It was gettin’ kinda’ dusky out, and I sure didn’t wanna be out in the woods when it was dark. So I says to myself, if a man wants to start a religion, why can’t he start it in his garage, instead of out in the woods somew’ares.... I told myself it was cuz he favored those Pentecostals and he probably didn’t wanna disturb his neighbors with all the hollerin’’ and goin’ ons while he was startin’ his new church.
I’d went on another fifty feet further into the woods when I come upon Jonathan. Now what I’m about to tell ya, I didn’t know first hand. I didn’t know the truth about what had been goin’ on till about two weeks later. Right before I’d come upon ol’ Jonathan, he’d just given up on startin’ his own church, and so he figured he’d take a leak over by this ol’ tree, and then head on back home. Well see, I reckon he’d tripped over this log and when I come upon him, he wuz just agettin’ up offa’ the ground. He had his arms raised up as high as they’d go and he was adancin’ around. He was hollerin’’, “Arghhhhhh. Ohhhhh.” I could hear tears in his voice when he said, “Sweet Jesus!” He turned around and I looked at him in shock. There, hangin’ on the front of his trousers, was a couple of young snappin’ turtles. He looked over at me, and said, “George! Come ‘ere!” and I, with my eyes all wide and shakin’ my head, I says, “No..., no..... NOooooo!” I ain’t ajoinin’ your church!” and I runs outta there as fast as I could go.
And like I says, ‘bout two weeks later he told me what was really goin’ on, and you know, to this day he hasn’t forgiven me fer leavin’ him alone down there in those woods......~ ~ This is George Hamblee, an’ I’m satisfied with just bein’ a Baptist.
~ ~ Simon West
© 13 November, Nineteen Hundred and Ninety-Nine
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