tuesday - july eighteen, two thousand - 9:59am
grey. i picked this particularly lovely hue for my background color because it matches the weather - and it matches my mood.
whenever something big happens in my life it always seems to make me re-evaluate my friends. i suppose because i'm the sort of person that likes to surround herself with people she loves - and who love her - at times of importance. sometimes it serves to illuminate for me who is a true friend, and who isn't. for example: at my graduation last year, i had an art show with the rest of my class and i graduated with distinction. our show was especially significant because we (lead by me) convinced the director that we needed to have the show somewhere other than the school this time. we were a bigger class - and we didn't like the idea of having it in the same old dull classroom that every other graduating class has had theirs for the past 10 years. this event, along with the simple fact that this was an important time in my life just because i had chosen a career path and succeeded in completing school, with honors, all in the midst of a nasty divorce, made it a time in my life where i wanted the important people all around me.
this was when reality slapped me up side the head and made me realize that nikki has been the 'taker' in our friendship for far too long.... and i had known for a long time that we were going down different paths with our lives, but she had been around for so long, that i guess i was in denial, or something. and i'm sure you all agree that chosing to end a friendship is never easy. and as we get older it gets harder to make good friends... that's why i'm so grateful for mary right now.
it was also the time i came to the realization that sam and indie were great friends, and were probably going to be a significant part of my life for the entire journey.
so, it's doubly upsetting to me that i am so disturbed with indie's *ways* right now. it isn't just something where she did something to piss me off, and it'll go away. it's like when i found out, under no uncertain terms, that cory was a bigot. i can't look past it.... it's in the moral core. it's too important..... now, indie's not anywhere near a bigot - she's always been accepting of all races, creeds, religious backgrounds, etc, and so forth. what she isn't accepting of - at least not from her friends, or her lover - is ugliness, or overweightness. i found out that she is so vain, that if her current boyfriend of four years - the one she has stuck by through recovering from alcoholism and anger management classes - were to suddenly wake up ugly and overweight - she would not love him anymore.
now - i'm not saying any of us would be happy about it. and believe me, i argued with her for a good 45 minutes about this. i asked her to name three things she loved about tyrone that had nothing to do with his looks. she easily named three - without barely thinking.... and i said "you're saying you would no longer love these things about him if he were ugly?" and she said "no" - over and over i argued it with her. she apparently believes that she would be able to shut off four years of love like a switch if he weren't attractive. it made me sick to my stomach to think she was so vain. what happens when he gets old? i remember her once telling me that she had absolutely no qualms about getting plastic surgery in order to keep her youth... will she make him undergo the same to continue receiving her love?
she's a great friend, and always has been - and it's not like it's a surprise that she's a bit hung up on her looks - i'm just a little shocked at how much importance she puts on the looks of those around her....
i don't know - maybe i'm letting it bother me more than it should.... but it just seems like such an important part of being human.... allowing yourself to grow older and wiser with grace. i know i plan to just let nature take it's course.... will she stop wanting to be my friend if i'm not as attractive as i once was? i gotta wonder.
