Society: 1 - Criminals: 0 !!!
I hope the next lesson is just as useful to you..."
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| "Hi there, it's Steven Seagal here. It seems my previous lessons in self defense have been invaluable to many of you, since I haven't read about anyone being attacked by sleeveless thugs in the newspapers lately. Society: 1 - Criminals: 0 !!! I hope the next lesson is just as useful to you..." |
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| DELIVERING AN ASS-KICKING PART 2 : How to defeat your opponent with a dirty handkerchief! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "Another day, another punk with a knife. The first step I'd suggest in this situation is to try and make polite conversation with him." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "Simply shake his hand and say something to the effect of 'Good day to you, sir. Quite a marvellous day we're having, isn't it?' Bear in mind that this may not work, as a small percent of criminals aren't phased by polite conversation (according to the police technical advisor on my last film.)" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "In this case it's time to bring out the BIG GUNS! After a long day of blowing your nose and maintaining good personal hygiene, your handkerchief should be well-stocked with a good load of snot. Let's face it, when facing the face of death, even something that came from your face can be your only weapon!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "Not even the hardest of hard crooks want to get nasal mucus on them, so make the knife hand your first target. This will render your attacker completely harmless. Make sure you wipe the hanky on as much of the hand as you possibly can." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 4. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "Now that the knife is out of the way, threaten to use your weapon of defense (which in Japan is called a 'han-boogaken') against more areas of the attacker's body. It is commonly known that when a wielder of the han-boogaken raises it in front of him...well, let's just say he MEANS BUSINESS!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| "Believe me, if the thug hasn't run away crying yet he soon will. In this picture you can clearly see that tears of fear are already flowing at the thought of having to return home from a hard day's crime with snot and boogers all over him. How on Earth would he explain THAT to his wife?!!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| And thus concludes this week's lesson. Come back next week when Steven Seagal delivers yet another life-saving lesson in ass-kicking! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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