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ULTIMATE STEVEN SEAGAL NEWS |
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10/31/05 - Halloween. A billion years have passed since I brought the world's Steven Seagal fans more of what they come here for - knowledge. Of themselves. Of Steven Seagal. Of how to KICK ASS! I have received a plea for help from a young child, and it has served as an awakening from the discovery of girls and what their rude bits are for to once again return to delivering more than a maternity doctor does in a day. |
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Read the passionate plea for help HERE! |
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I hereby promise you, loyal Seagal devotees, that more ass-kicking tips will be coming sooner than the 12 million guys looking at Terri Summers' website right now.
But not tonight because Georgie from school is teaching me how to French kiss. It's going to be awesome! |
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01/29/04 - So, you've had a nice break from Steven Seagal's life-saving lessons in ASS KICKING, right? Well, don't get too comfortable there, couch potatoes...it's once again time to step back into the dojo as Steven Seagal's MARTIAL ARTS TIPS has been updated! Boo ya! |
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01/06/04 - Finally, at long last, ULTIMATE STEVEN SEAGAL is back in action, kicking ass like Steven Seagal at a grapefruit-tasting festival! Or like Terri Summers at a Brazilian waxing demonstration! I've had a ton of people asking me things like, "Hey, Jacob, when are you going to update your site? It's the BEST EVER!" and "Hey, Jacob, how come your site looks the same as it did 4 months ago?"
First of all I apologize to those devout ULTIMATE STEVEN SEAAL fans who have been wanting to see more ASS KICKING and FOCUSED DETERMINATION, and have been stuck with reading the same stuff every day (but still enjoying it immensely). Mom and dad decided that they wanted to move house, and it took about a month before we had the internet put back on. Then there was one day where some of the new kids in the neighborhood (including my new friend, Scruffy Matthews) came over to see if I was really Jacob Heineken, since they all LOVED this site. I had to prove myself, and in performing an amazing demonstration of ass kicking I accidentally kicked my shoe off my foot and into dad's computer monitor! All the kids ran away, and dad didn't appreciate my focused skills so he banned me from using his computer for ages. It really sucked. Since Dawson hasn't got a clue about how to use a computer he couldn't update the site, and the teachers at school wouldn't let me do it there because they thought if word got out that my site was being made on school grounds I'd be mobbed by chicks and it would interfere with my schoolwork. But now I'm back, and ready to rumble! |
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