Humorous Horoscopes
Humorous Horoscopes
 Aries:
A sudden urge to scratch an old itch will develop today. Don't be surprised if you find yourself at the doctor's office seeking medical attention for following this urge. |
 Taurus:
Your family is planning a surprise visit this week. You might want to think about cleaning up your room. It would be traumatic if Mom and Dad found out about your bong collection. |
 Gemini:
The stars see money in your future. Be sure you have enough in your checking account before writing the check to renew your Hustler subscription. |
 Cancer:
You will meet your soul mate at a party this week. Be sure to be yourself and don't drink too much. The stars indicate that you will enjoy a Jell-O bath with your new love. |
 Leo:
It is a good time to be thinking about your future this week. If you apply early, you will probably get that dream job at the waste treatment plant. |
 Virgo:
You could find yourself in a tricky situation this week. Always remember, the burrito supreme comes with black olives. |
 Libra:
Focus your energy on others this week. Perfection is hard to improve upon. Take the time to share your enormously big head with others in the community. |
 Scorpio:
There will be a new love interest in your life this week. Tell you current lover to hit the road, there is no way they will be able to compete with the waste treatment worker who catches your eye. |
 Sagittarius:
The magic number for you this week is 2. That is how many times it will take you to put your underwear on before you realize they are your Mom's underwear. |
 Capricorn:
It will be hard for you to stay focused this week. You will keep having lustful thoughts about a waste treatment worker named Bubba. |
 Aquarius:
You will need to think about your long term goals this week. A really hot tip could lead you to buy stock in the waste treatment industry. |
 Pisces:
Your future is looking grim this week. It might help your outlook on life if you change the bulb in the lamp beside your bed. |
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