I'm sitting here stricken but I suppose it is the fire I should feel sorry for. Not myself. It must be hard finding the balls to tell someone who loves you that you do not love her. Especially when you called her on the phone that very day to tell her you DID love her.
Go figger. I cannot. All I know is that he has been trying to tell me he wants OUT all night. So I finally did it for him. What the fuck.
what the fuck
I am past taking comfort from knowing I did not lie.
FUCK ALL LIARS
FUCK LOVE THAT IS
NOT.
I feel like just telling him don't sweat it. Take your shit. Take the Dodge 'til you get your Camaro. Take it forever if that's how long your firebird'll be gone.
So much for diamond rings and roses delivered to work.
So much for pithy pamphlets telling all, the beautiful ALL, the dream of love
Will NEVER come true.
I will not be untrue or lose my beliefs. I will simply understand that it is beyond me. If it is because I am a bad person, I do not know. If it is because I need to be around longer, die and live in another body first, I do not know.
All I know - or think I know - is that I am done trying and striving for what WILL NEVER BE MINE.
It just won't work. Not for me. It must be me, and perhaps one day I'll recognize and repair what is SO VERY WRONG about me. For now I'll work, mother, write, and try to be myself and like her too.
Fuck love and lies. And loving liars who will never love me too. Fuck believing things men say. Fuck daydreams.
Sleep dreams? Today I dreamt something so normal, the fire and me, a video game. Tonight I said, You don't love me.
He didn't argue with me.
I'll meet my pain tomorrow - maybe the next day. It grows in me like a solid wall of ugly-sick-tears-fists-ALL of it. I will allow the force to own me tomorrow.
Tonight? I'll do laundry and I'll work. That's all. I'll want and love ANOTHER MAN! who does not want or love me in return.
Though a few hours ago he told me he did…
go figger - cause I don't know.
He can be thoroughly infantile and does not hesitate to use his sheltered state against my vulnerable one. Spitting out bile about a situation he knows dick about. And if I was to respond in kind - well. What kind of fucking stupid bitch would I be?
We need to work on this temper of the fire's. I hang in, seeing him at times grappling with his own infantilism and inappropriate outbursts. Part of the reason I believe he loves me is that I can see a glimpse of a child trying to become an adult.
At other times I think the pain and fear he engenders with this behavior, in Rory and I both, is purely abusive, totally sexist, and probably unchanging. It's proportion. A slight annoyance for most is a cardinal sin.
We're never ready for the force of his anger. never.
He's just so comfy being pissed. Rory and I want to be happy. Sometimes I think he'll never allow that.
And then, the shoe NEVER EVER is on the other foot. Express impatience or annoyance with the fire: Get it back Tenfold.
Whatever. We're both overtired and frustrated for our own valid reasons. No reason to take it out on each other. But that is what he does.
Sometimes I think…I won't stand this forever. Then he shows me such love, he's generous and fun to be around, and I think, okay, we'll make it.
But really, I do not know if we will make it.
First of all is the fire. He maintains a wall. No ring. No marriage. And when he finds fault he cannot even say he loves me. He does not feel it. And the fault he is finding is me. I mean it does not always, or even often, come about as a result of something I did or did not do. Sometimes me being me is more than the fire can love.
And he relents, because he loves me, and he overlooks the negatives for a sec. Mostly though he dwells on the negatives and appears to want it to be that way. And I do not agree with or fathom that mindset.
But what's the point of sharing MY nitpicking complaints with Gonman? He'll turn it on me so fucking fast. I'll be the bad guy so fucking fast.
So. I write it.
Déjà vu
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