Okay... so: where were we, then...?

Ah, yes. My four-color sweetheart of the '70s: the Joker's Daughter.

"Startling Secret of the Devilish Daughters" [BATMAN FAMILY #9; February, 1977; Bob Rozakis, author; Irv Novick; artist] opens with a shot of the New Carthage Airport, where freshman congresswoman Barbara [BATGIRL] Gordon has arrived just in time to find herself smack-dab in the center of a political firestorm.

It seems that Hudson University (alma mater of student Dick [ROBIN] Grayson) has selected Ms. Gordon as their "Best Freshman Congresswoman of the Year"; a decision not without its share of controversy overall, thanks to a well-publicized first-year voting record on such perennial "hot-button" issues as world hunger; the environment; open-mouthed gum chewing; and the landmark legislative battles attendant the far-reaching Hutchison/Freeman "Carnal Relations With Sock Puppets" Act of 1975.

It's a tough gig, this whole "appointed servant of the people" business. Really. You just have no idea.

"I should warn you, Babs," a solicitous Grayson assures her; "... that your selection wasn't unanimous! But don't let that bother you! H.U.'s anti-politican faction is so fanatical, they'd have thrown junk at George Washington and Abraham Lincoln!"

The politically savvy Ms. Gordon quickly discovers just how "fanatical" a dissenting political voice can be, later that evening, when a speech she's delivering to an assemblage of students is disrupted by the sudden appearance of --

... no; not the Joker's Daughter.

... no; not the Catwoman's Daughter.

... no; not the Scarecrow's Daughter. C'mon; that would be bloody ridiculous. No woman in her right mind would ever tart herself up in Jonathan Crane's trademarked tatterdemalion threads, f'chrissakes! She'd end up looking like a... like a...

... oh. my. dear. Gawd.

"Scarecrone," the straw-packed slattern corrects a stunned and disbelieving Batgirl. "The Scarecrow's Daughter!" (... either that, or else the Scarecrow's son is in way, way desperate need of a more suitable male role model.) [*rimshot*]

Be that as it may, however: the sometimes sidekick and the purported progeny hit it off about as well might -- say -- Arianna Huffington and Marilyn Manson...

... which -- in mainstream comic book terms -- can only mean: catfight!

"Like two panthers locked in mortal combat," the following caption breathlessly instructs us, "the Mistress of Fear and the Dominoed Daredoll fight it out -- until...!"

... until the self-styled "Scarecrone" calls for a cease-fire ("Hold it, Batgirl! I don't want to fight you! It's Robin I'm after...!"); tears away the burlap facemask; and reveals herself to be none other than the increasingly pesky (if, perhaps, terminally fashion-challenged) "JOKER'S Daughter!"

"This get-up didn't lure Robin into action," the disguise-happy demimonde thinks to herself, beating a hasty retreat. "Which means the Teen Wonder wasn't in the lecture hall! That eliminates all my suspects but one... which sets the stage for my next -- and hopefully, final -- move!""

In other words (as those of you who recall the events detailed on Page One of this entry are doubtless aware): this is a lady with an (as-yet-

unfathomable) personal agenda or three. Not to mention one queen- sized whopper of a clothing bill.

The much-beset-upon Mr. Grayson does make his (re-)appearance, however, the following evening, during a late night repast with (among others) both Ms. Gordon and Main Collegiate Squeeze Lori Elton, at (I kid you not) "Ernie's Oriental Palace."

Cracking open an after-dinner fortune cookie, the Boy Wonder is startled to discover the following cryptic message: "A RIDDLE FOR ROBIN: Why is an unmasked super-hero like a won ton? Answer: They're both 'IN THE SOUP.' "

One frenzied costume change later: Robin storms the eatery's kitchen, and comes face-to-face wiiiiiiiiiiiiith:

... the RIDDLER'S Daughter!

"Aww, c'mon!" the Teen Wonder scoffs, approaching the Bouffanted Baddie. "You're no more the Riddler's Daughter than I'm Hawkman's son!"

[THIS LATE-BREAKING UPDATE JUST IN, COURTESY OF THE WCHKS NEWSROOM: In a startling move which promises to send shockwaves rippling throughout the industry, DC Comics Inc. has made public plans to reveal that long-time comics character and cultural icon ROBIN, THE BOY WONDER is, in fact, the long-lost (and hitherto unsuspected) son of four-color Silver Age mainstay HAWKMAN.

[When approached by this reporter, DC Executive Vice-President and Publisher PAUL LEVITZ explained away the editorial decision by stating: "Hey... you all bought that 'Hal-Jordan-as-drunken-murdering- psychopath' crapola, didn't you?"

[In a (possibly) related story: unusually violent seismic activity is being reported at the gravesites of Golden Age storytelling pioneers BOB KANE; BILL FINGER; and JERRY ROBINSON.]

A fairly violent tussle ensues, with both the Boy Wonder (who has questions) and "the Riddler's Daughter" (who has issues) working their respective ways through all sorts of long-suppressed Big League Irritation with one another.

Robin yanks the (by now) expected rubber face mask off the Pistachio'd Psycho, revealing the ghoulish, grinning countenance of You-Know-Who's You-Know-What.

"You shouldn't have done that, Robin," the Jezebel Jester scolds. "Unmasking me as the Joker's Daughter has explosive consequences!"

Just how "explosive," in fact, is revealed in the following panels; as a groggy and bedraggled Robin (upon regaining consciousness) staggers his way into the nearest Men's Room, and discovers he's missing a certain portion of his crime-fighting costume.

An extremely important portion of his crime-fighting costume, in fact.

"GASP! My mask -- it's GONE!" a stunned and horrified Dick Grayson stammers, all but dropping dead of a major heart attack right then and there. "She's got it! She knows WHO I AM!"

Thinking quickly, the Boy Wonder fashions himself a rudimentary, makeshift domino mask out of a paper towel from the bathroom's dispenser (... and I don't even wanna know how he got the blamed thing to stick, all right? I'm old; I have my health and sanity to think of, after all.); and slips away, mortified (over how he's ever going to explain this one to a certain Humorless, Pointy-Eared Surrogate Father Figure, down Gotham way); terrified (over the prospect of what "the Joker's Daughter" might possibly have in store for him now, with this new-found knowledge at her diabolical disposal); and nauseous (thanks to that third helping of crab rangoon, earlier).

"An hour later," the following caption provides; "... at the Hudson University Playhouse," Barbara Gordon is making her acceptance speech, re: that whole "Congresswoman of the Year" business (you all remember that, right?), when the evening's festivities are suddenly disrupted by the arrival of none other thaaaaaaaannnnnn --

... well, lookit: maybe it's better you should see this one for yourselves.

"Hey... it's the Penguin -- !" a collegiate in the crowd shouts.

"... in drag!" a second one adds. [Insert Your Own Tasteless Joke Here.]

"Betcha it's his daughter!" a third keenly observes.

"Please, Jesus," a fourth concludes; dropping heavily to his knees in an attitude of heartfelt prayer. "Please, please don't let 'Killer Croc's daughter' be next! I'm too young to undergo the torments of Lifelong Sexual Dysfunction!"

Quickly changing into their crime-fighting mufti, the Boy Wonder and the Girl Wonderful launch themselves at this: their all-time, balls-out craziest-looking opponent ever.

"That's all, Cutie!" an aggravated Robin snarls, grabbing the Monocled Miss roughly from behind. "The show's over!"

("... Cutie"...? "CUTIE" -- ?!? She's got a schnozz on her like a frickin' anteater, f'chrissakes! "... CUTIE" -- ?!?)

"Batgirl!" the Boy Wonder barks. "If we're going to lick this chick, we'd better get our act together!" To which Batgirl responds, in turn [Pick One]:

1.) "... gawd, but I love it when you talk filthy like that! You sick animal, you!"

2.) "Not before she tells me where she got those kicky shoes, damn your eyes -- !"

3.) "Shyeah. Right. Big talk, from a guy whose super-hero costume is part Charmin Bathroom Tissue."

4.) "... you mean that's a chick...?!?"

Well: "get their act together" the two of them do; and -- moments later -- "the Penguin's Daughter" is unmasked to reveal the increasingly familiar features of Miss Playing Card, 1977.

"Big deal!" the Face-Painted Felon snarls. " [...] That makes us even! I've found out who you are... Richard Grayson!"

"Okay," a grinning Robin responds. "Now let me top that! Underneath that awful make-up is a girl named Duela Dent -- "

"... daughter of TWO-FACE!"

It's all very neatly tied up in the story's epilogue, of course (as should only be expected, really; this being one of author Rozakis' finest efforts in a long and admirable string of same).

ROBIN: "So now that you know who I am, I suppose you'll tell Two- Face... errrrr... your father!"

DUELA [incredulous]: "Are you kidding? My father's hated me since the day I was born! That's why Momma left him!"

ROBIN [puzzled]: "Why did he hate you? Because he wanted a son?"

DUELA [... it's so obvious]: "No way! He wanted twins!" [*rimshot*]

It turns out that the infinitely resourceful Duela (who's really quite the personable little thing, sans all of that ridiculous greasepaint) wants:

A.) "[...] to be a super-heroine... to make up for the evil my father's done!"; annnnnnd --

B.) "To show I have the skills... and abilities... and know-how to join the Teen Titans!"

"I want you to nominate me for membership!" the Faux Felon concludes, smiling winningly.

... which serves as natural a stopping point in our narrative as any, really.

Be here bright and early next week, then, for a fond look back at Duela Dent's regrettably brief (and exceedingly weird) tenure as one of the TEEN TITANS of the 1970s.

No. Seriously.

The Joker's Daughter: PAGE ONE
The Joker's Daughter: PAGE THREE