Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
EXHIBITION
TWO:
Incredibly Lame and One-Sided
Battles
... an occurrence which, granted, has been known to happen at practically
every comics company, at one time or another... ... BUT: one which only "Mighty Marvel" has elevated to the Olympian
level of a beloved American art form. Jeepers... talk about "embarrassment of riches." The major problem
with this page is gonna be which examples to leave out
Well... I'm dead-dog certain of this much,
at any rate: TALES OF SUSPENSE #49 is a "keeper."
Okay. So... fine. In one corner: the Armored Avenger. A guy who's actually cold cocked the Incredible Hulk. A guy who's walked away from one-on-one tussles with the mighty THOR.
In the other corner: a guy who... ummmm... has birdie wings.
Oh, yeah. This could happen.
Obviously, another "Don King Production," here.
How long do you suppose it took Thor to wipe all of that icky red "pasty"
stuff off the head of that big croquet mallet of his, once this
Epic Battle of Titans had ended, anyway...?
Oh, for cryin' out loud! Would you just take a look at this...?!?
Spider-Man -- Spider-Man, mind you -- getting yanked andspanked by Madame Medusa -- ?!?
ATTENTION, MARVEL: while I understand that you guys have any number of spandexed second-rate (if not seventy-second-rate) characters cluttering up your universe, and all -- and, therefore, can't reasonably be expected to know each and every one of 'em by sight (much as the CEO of AT&T, I imagine, probably couldn't give you the first names of the cafeteria ladies working in the employee dining room who serve up his bean-and-broccoli every afternoon) -- I, at least, recognize this loser(ess).
And -- just between you, me and whichever drunken idiot thought the idea of an ongoing DAZZLER comic book actually made some kind of sense, somehow ( a dicey proposition, that; even for the late 70's/early 80's) -- here's a little-known "fun fact" for you: Medusa's awe-inspiring "super-power"...?
Big Hair.
That's all. Just... Big Hair.
Hmmmm? What's that...?
"Stupidest @#$%ing thing you've ever heard," you say?
No @#$%, Sherlock.
Not only is this next example decidedly and grotesquely one-sided
but:
it also had an extremely depressing resolution.
Yup; you've got it. Kitty Pryde survives her encounter with the
slavering, blatant ALIEN clone.
Even though the ALIEN clone is much, much bigger than she is.
Even though the ALIEN clone is much, much smarter than she is.
This is from the period during which Chris Claremont and John Byrne were doing the X-MEN comic. This "run" of issues is often referred to as "the classic period."
No... really. Swear to God.
However: for sheer, unadulterated you-have-just-got-to-be- KIDDING-me
pleasure... it's just plain old impossible to beat the original
Silver Age SILVER SURFER comic of the 1970's.
You see: the Marvel "formula" of the period dictated (in no uncertain terms, mind) that every Marvel hero capable of supporting his own ongoing monthly title engage in frequent and regular "team-ups" with other Marvel heroes.
This, of course, was an eminently sane and sound policy, as these things generally go. Readers who might not normally follow the current adventures of Hero "A" would, nonetheless, get a "free" look-see at him whilst he was be-bopping around with Hero "B," whose comic they did read. This was one of the two primary storytelling cornerstones upon which the Silver Age Marvel Comics Group built much of its early success (the other one being, of course, amping the concept of "heroic angst" alllllllllll the way up to Doomsday Overload... and then a notch or two beyond that, if at all possible.)
However: it was also bedrock storytelling convention for the Marvel comics of the day that -- whenever two heroes "met," preparatory to said "team-up" -- they were obliged to battle one another, first.
This was not such an insurmountable stumbling block, whenever the heroes in question were (say) Daredevil, or Spider-Man. Heroes such as these -- neither invulnerable nor omnipotent -- could easily be "mix'n'matched" with one another, without either one being placed in imminent peril of irrevocable injury (or worse).
But: against the ridiculously god-like might of theSilver Surfer, on the other hand...?
Either the opposing hero had to be portrayed (for the duration of the team-up) as being (approximately) eleventy-gazillion times more powerful than they actually were... or else the Surfer had to undergo the painful humiliation of being... well... neutered, really (power-wise, I mean. He added, hastily.), so that his guest-star for that particular issue didn't end up Surfer kibble by page two.
In the former category, we have the example of SILVER SURFER #14 [see
cover, accompanying], in which Our Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man is
written as being so demonstrably powerful (for the duration of this appearance,
anyway) that a first-time reader might well be forgiven for wondering
why the mighty Avengers never dropped down
on bended knee, in unison, and begged to join him.
In the latter category (i.e.: "The Silver Surfer As Big, Bald-Headed
Wussy Boy"), we have this little chip of cubic zirconia -- a story
so staggeringly silly, it has never again been referenced in any
Marvel comic, since its publication (and -- as a result -- merits the
"full-size" repro treatment):
That's right, folks: the incomprehensible cosmic might of the space-soaring
Silver Surfer, tested to its very utmost against the mind-blowing battle
prowess of... Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.
I'm going to be brutally honest and aboveboard with you all, in this regard: the Silver Surfer is -- in all probability -- my very least favorite "major" Marvel super-hero. The very notion of a nekkid, whiny guy -- on a surfboard, mind, now; an honest-to-pete SURFBOARD -- being one of the major "players" within the Marvel universe (power-wise) is just too gosh-darned idiotic for me to contemplate for more than five... mebbe six minutes, tops, without howling...
... but: that having been said... when the Silver bloody Surfer can't decently whup up on one old guy with an EYE PATCH...
... well. I mean... there's "lame"... and then there's laaaaaaaame... :-)
The Marvel Comics HALL OF SHAME
PAGE ONE (The World's Lamest Super-Villains)
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