| Lifetime...and a prayer |
| Please, please, please! Dear God don't ever let me forget today - the day after reaching Weight Watcher's lifetime status. Don't ever let me forget the many tears I've cried which now pave the way for those who follow. Or the tears that flow today in rejoicing and pride. Ah, tears. They are the silver which we use to pay our way on this journey. And I have paid. Even now, almost a full day later I can't stop crying. Why? I don't know really, unless it's a release of sorts. In lieu of all those tears I never cried growing up, and all those tears I never cried when people couldn't stand to look at my fat, lumbering body. All those tears I cried for the person inside of me who was shut away hiding in the shadows of obesity. I sob, deep, wrenching sobs that I fear will never end. But the tears are a healing balm, and so I let them flow freely, sometimes laughing in between, sometimes taking deep oxygen-filled breaths. In between that I go to the mirror, to look at this woman I hardly know. She is a woman of strength! Why couldn't I see that before, during all those years I spent eating myself into numbness? Why couldn't I draw on that strength when I was so ashamed of how I looked that I didn't look at myself in a full-length mirror for over 20 years?? WHY? But today is not a day for regrets. It's a day of contemplation, celebration....and of planning. One would think that now that this is "over" that there are no plans to be made. But they are wrong, and I was reminded of that today, of all days. I must plan to remain faithful to this new lifestyle, for this new lifestyle is fickle. One dalliance with the other and all I have worked for is gone, I fear. Today was wonderful - I was shown that this can be fleeting, or it can be forever. My choice. This morning I dressed with extra care. I picked out my skinniest black jeans, a short sleeved beautiful shirt, and a delicate, lacy little short sleeved sweater in black. As I took a last glance at myself in the mirror my heart was full. The woman - ME!! - in the mirror was slender. I thrill at that. I'm slender! I'm in control! I'm a lifetime member. During work I decided to run to the closest clothing boutique and check out their new line of clothing. Oh! How I now love clothes! As I was walking down the road I saw a woman I have known for over 20 years and I waved. The woman looked back at me quizically, then said, "Karen?" I smiled. "KAREN?????" she said again as she realized that yes, it was me, indeed. Me, and over 82 lbs. thinner. She raved on for several minutes about how well I looked. Then she began talking about her weight "problems". "I should lose weight," she confided. "But I just don't have the time for me," she added. "And Bob (her husband), really likes his food. And the kids just keep me too busy," she explained. I looked at her, 10 years younger than I, and noticed how old she seemed. How ill! Her face was bloated, and it was obvious she has given up on herself. I remember her being young and beautiful. And her husband was THE catch. Now, he's at least 100 lbs. over weight, and so is she. He's diabetic and ill, and quite honestly I think she looks sick too. She goes on and on about going to a wedding and having to buy a dress which fit. One which she said made her feel and look like a "cow". My heart breaks for her. I understand. She sees no way out. The mountains are too steep for her to climb. She doesn't know where to start. She's given up. I feel sick inside as I remember those feelings all to well. My head begins to ache, I feel like I'm going to vomit. As I bid her well and walk back to work I am in shock. In her haggard, tired, face, I saw mine as it was 10 months ago. And I see my future if I ever forget the lessons I learned along this journey. I sit at my desk, my hands in my lap. Thinking. I look down, my hands are clasped. I realize that a prayer is going through my head. "Please Lord. Give me the strength to continue. Never, ever let me forget from where I came. Please Lord!" I'm begging, not praying. Yes begging. But I know in the end it is up to me. It is I who will choose my destination. It is God who will give me the strength. |
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