 |
| My New Life |
| Where does one begin to tell of a life so changed that even now it seems a dream? How does one write of a marital split? Of a split from family and friends? A turning of her back on all she knows and held dear? In retrospect, I now know that in the throes of my obesity, I surrounded myself with that which fed me and sustained something inside of me which I needed so badly. Even now, I have to wonder at the black years of my life when I wrapped obesity around me to guard against pain and hurt. It's a shame that I never realized that I could only hide for so long - that nothing had changed, only my body. Actually, I did realize it, and it was such a gradual thing. As I shed the pounds, so I shed the hurt and pain of my childhood and I grew as a woman and a person by leaps and bounds. God, I have so much work to do, so many years to address. But I'm working on it. Each and every day is an exercise in brutal honesty and decision-making. I won't write of my 20-year marriage for public consumption, but I need to make a point. My husband was/is a wonderful man....... any girl would be lucky to have him. But for all those years I "had him" for all the wrong reasons and in the process I was able to hide. I allowed him to make my decisions and protect me from the world and its hurt. He did that well. But in the process I lost myself even more. It wasn't until I began losing the weight and really asking myself the tough questions that I was able to see that this was a marriage of friendship and need on both our parts, and that I needed so much more. And so, one snowy day in February I told him I was leaving. And I did just that. Walked away from over 20 years of history. |
| Luckily, that friendship has allowed us to pick up our lives and move on ....... even be friends of sort. But it's been tough. Here I am, 50 years old and truly on my own. Spreading my wings. Crashing to earth at times, but picking myself back up and trying yet once again to fly. And fly I shall. My wings have been clipped way too long. God I love life - such as it is. Each day is like a gift - even with the hurt and pain. I wonder why I hated myself so much that I hid from life - what it was that made me run from me. I suspect I will never know that answer, but what's important to me is that I seize each day and live in its glory. My life is worth that. I am worth that. Even now, as I select work clothes, I find it hard to believe that the tiny clothes in the closet are mine. That the woman looking back at me, is truly me. That this can last as long as I want it to - as long as I remember that a misstep, a laxity can drag me back into the pit. And of course, I can't let that happen. I run, I hike, I play basketball, I DANCE! I laugh..... God how I laugh.... spontaneous....... a bubbling which I can't stop, nor do I want to stop this joyous thing which is much like a wondrous, golden healing light. Is it perfect? Heck no! I cry too....... but at least I can now cry. Before, I couldn't cry, nor could I laugh. I was just this shell which existed. And now, I'm filling this shell up with life...... my heart sings..... my eyes well up in happy tears......... So this is life......... beautiful, lovely life. Yes, I must be vigilant, or it will be stolen from me. I treat my obesity as a disease which I have in remission. That remission is only as good as my efforts. Each day is a recommitment to good health, a recommitment to me. Do I have ice cream on occasion? You betcha! But it's all in moderation. If I have that ice cream, I know that the next few meals must be healthy and low calorie, that I need to exercise. It works for me. And I am always under control because I know the blackness which lurks around the corner. I will never go there again. So now, here I am - in my own home, a single woman, waiting for word on a dream job, my fridge stocked with healthy food, my life in fair order and I am alive....... and well....... and happy. I'm even beginning to date and I've discovered that I really like me! I'm funny, caring, strong, compassionate and a good conversationalist. Did you notice that when I described myself I never once mentioned my physical attributes? It wasn't planned that way, but I am glad that I noticed it - for it means that while I recognize that I can never return to my former weight, I also see things in myself which aren't weight-related. Things that were always inside of me, but were hidden because of the weight. I'm blessed. Thank you God for all your gifts. And thank you dear readers and friends for still inquiring about me and keeping the faith. I was busy growing, and as we all know, rapid growth often comes with pain. Bless you all. |
| Feb., 2003 Still at goal weight |
   |