thinking "what if". Which brings me to the next question: Is it worth it? Is my life worth gambling? Could I live with my abdominal flap and find happiness. One minute I think I can, and in the next moment I wonder if I would forever ask "what if" if I choose to not have it done. Despite these thoughts I am determined to have the surgery. Is it a gamble? Maybe? But so is crossing the road, driving a car, and life in general. And so it's likely that I WILL have the surgery. I can't see not having it. I'm tired of having to wear clothes two sizes too big just so they fit my belly and waist. I'm tired of having to wear a sack for a dress to hide the stomach. And yet there are those who believe this is nothing more than vanity supreme. They think people like me are vain, shallow and dissatisfied, that we will never be happy even after the surgery. I've thought about this. Lots. Yes, my breasts could use a lift. But my bras work fine. Yes, I see lines on my face. But this is aging. Yes, my arms have small little wings. But I can wear shirts. But the abdomen thing - there's no hiding it. I wonder why I can't want better for myself without the judgement. I wonder why people are so opposed to what I do with my body? Regardless, I will have it done. Let them think what they want. Let them say what they want. I have come to the conclusion that for some, it's nothing more than petty jealousy. Little do they know how hard I have worked to earn this money for the surgery. My husband and I are not rich. We work hard. The money I earned is aside from that which I earn at the paper. I committed to myself that this surgery would not take from the general household fund, and I have kept to that. This is "besides" money. Some say the would rather have a new kitchen than have plastic surgery. I say that the kitchen can wait, that this journey is important, and I must see this through. Besides that, I have to admit, I have an ulterior motive for the surgery - after spending so much money there is NO WAY I want to waste it by gaining the weight back. And on that note, I am proud to say that a week at the cabin, on vacation, with two munch-mouths in residence resulted in a one pound loss. Incredible - and I didn't even deprive myself. If I wanted chocolate I ate it. If I wanted cookies I ate them. I just kept portion control in mind, wrote every bite down, and stayed within my limits. It really wasn't that hard. Which makes me finally believe that I am in this for life. That's a comforting thought. Home |
| Sept. 4, 2002 As fall approaches I can't help but take stock of my life. It's the nostalgia thing I guess as summer slowly wanes and autumn makes itself known. Last week I went on holidays. What a glorious time! We rented a cabin on the lake and my brother and his wife came to visit. The sultry summer days were punctuated by fishing on the boat, sightseeing and just relaxing. As I was sitting on the boat one day it suddenly occured that for the first time in almost 30 years I was in shorts and a short sleeved top. I couldn't help but reflect on where I was this time last year. Last year I was wearing long sleeved shirts and jeans on the boat - and sweating my ass off of course! There was no way that I could/would wear shorts. To many people this might seem like a small thing, but to me it framed my life. I thought about missed moments and lost years. But I quickly put that out of my head as I know that life is for living and with my new health and reprieve at life I am not wasting a moment on regrets. Nonetheless, it was a good measuring stick for me - an affirmation of life. As October grows near I am starting to panic. My abdominoplasty is right around the corner, and I am scared shitless! I know that it is relatively safe, but I can't help |
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