One_Step_Backwards

Nov. 19, 2001
Arrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!! Yesterday, all day long, I watched the scale add on pounds. What in hell is going on? This has GOT to be some sick person's idea of a joke. Seriously!
Every time I pee I weighed myself. With weigh in slated for that night I am frantic to lose .8 so I can move into Onederland.
But the scales wink at me, and tell me the awful truth.
I'm sick with disappointment as I know there's no way I can ever lose over 5 lbs. Yes, that's right, by supper I am at a weight I haven't seen for weeks.
Finally, I pee, and pee, and pee. What's up with that?????
No matter, when I weigh in I find I have gained 2.8 lbs! Of course, the bitch who is supposed to be my "leader" looks at me with her cold eyes and announces it gleefully to me, and just loud enough that those standing behind me in line can hear. I vow that one day I will have her job. And I bloody well mean it! Her type of compassion belongs in a garbage can, along with her nasty little heart.
Oh, how they would like me to fail! They hate it that week after week I register a steady loss. You can see the satisfaction on their faces - the great Weight Loss Queen has fallen from her pedestal.
I don't much care what they think. I've left them all in the dust and they can think what they want. In the meantime I will continue to lose this weight - if anything just to show them!
I leave in a hurry, trying to make sense of this renegade body.
I've done it - I stayed OP!!!!! Is this how I'm rewarded?
"Yes, Karen. You stayed OP. But you didn't work the plan," a voice whispers.
OK! Fine! I was technically OP. But, I admit to myself that many of my points were used on worthless foods, that I didn't do the treadmill as often as I should have, that my water consumption is not as it was and I have been eating low end of my points. Put it all together, and I have a body that reminds me that it MUST be treated with care and dignity - OR ELSE!
Add in a week of antibiotics, and simply put my body has voiced its opinion loudly and clearly. I must listen, or I face more disappointments.
When I arrive home I have made some sense of it all and resolve that I can and WILL do better.
I go to bed that night, angry at myself, and angry at a trecherous body. Knowing this isn't the end of the world, but a harsh reminder that I must walk each step of this journey with care, forethought and purpose. A reminder that I'm not invincible.
Nov. 21, 2001
Oh my God! If I doubted for one second that my body was sending me a message, then I was a fool.
Stepping on the scales this morning I see I have unofficially entered Onederland. Imagine that - 199 lbs. even! I smile, then tears prick my eyes. I am humbled by the mechanics of my body and what good old-fashioned persistence will do.
I reflect upon the military attitude I've adapted since Monday's weigh in. Just DO IT KAREN! ALL OF IT! And I did! I'm working the program as it was meant to be worked. I feel great pleasure in accomplishment and my resourcefulness at working this all out.
And, believe it or not, I am grateful for the gain. Yes, grateful! It was a reminder to me that I can never relax in this, not for a minute, not for a second. Next time I could end up back in the deep, dark pit from which I have just crawled. I shudder at that awful thought.
No way in hell!