| Oct. 16, 2002 I've chosen to postpone my surgery. Two weeks ago I got results from my pre-surgical tests, and the news isn't good. I have high creatinine levels in my urine which my doc said indicates early kidney failure. What this means, exactly, I don't know and I won't know until I visit the nephrologist I have been referred to. What's causing it is beyond me, but my doc did suggest high blood pressure might be the culprit. Of course when one sees in black and white, early renal failure, their life flashes before them. I'm happy though that a follow-up ultrasound showed healthy, functioning kidneys with excellent arterial flow. That gives me hope that maybe it is just my body adjusting to all these physical changes over the last year. I pray it is so. God, I pray. The day I received this news, the surgeon's nurse told me they neglected to have me also take a pre-surgical chest X-ray, and so I went to the lab and had that done. Two days later I got the results on that - non-focal consolidation lesion. So they wanted me to take another X-ray and assured me it was likely that is was only a shadow due to the position the X-ray was taken. Today I received the news - there is a lesion. Everyone's worst nightmare I think. The C word naturally came to mind and it took all my strength to not break down in front of my husband, but I saw my own fear reflected on his face. Never one to look the other way during adversity, I immediately called the lab and had them send a copy of the report to my family doctor. I waited for his call and finally couldn't stand it any longer and so I called him. Luckily, the radiologist said it was a small granuloma about 5-7 mm in size and is certain it is NOT cancer and so is confident enough to not order any further studies other than a repeat chest X-ray in two months or so. I trust that because if the radiologist believed otherwise, he would have ordered further tests for fear of a malpractice suit. Of course I drilled my doctor to be absolutely certain that they aren't missing cancer, and he was positive I am out of the woods on this. I'm greatly relieved. Despite these issues my surgeon said I could still have the surgery, but from the start I have had a gut feeling, a niggling of sorts, which I put down to pre-op nerves. But today was the clincher - the message is clear - I must deal with these other issues so I can be free of fear for surgery. Of course, there was also the fact that I still smoke. Yes, I cut down greatly and the doc said he would still do the surgery, but deep down I knew that everything has to be in order if I want a successsful surgery and quick recovery. Besides that, the surgery seems like such a moot point when the problem with my kidneys are still outstanding. I have an appointment to get a prescription for Zyban. There's no doubt this was a Devine warning and I must listen. Right now I am frantic, but I now that if my stubborness was ever a negative, this is the time I can harness it and make it work for me. I must be strong and focused for whatever comes my way. But I worry. I worry about my husband whose eyes shined with unshed tears, who is trying to be strong and supportive, who assured me he would always be there for me and we would work this out. I worry for my son, who despite being 31 still needs his mother. And I worry for myself. I'm strong, but am I strong enough to accept what is handed me and live or die with dignity and respect? Dignity. I have to have dignity. I think about death a lot nowadays. I assess my life and find it wanting, as I'm sure everyone would under these circumstances. Isn't it curious about life? Here I am, a rock solid person who would have never considered plastic surgery. Then, one day, out of the blue, I decided this is something I want, and I want it now. If not for that, it's likely that the problem with my lung and kidneys wouldn't have been detected until it was possibly too late. I believe God has His devine hand in this. I'm being guided and watched over. If all goes well I will schedule the surgery for the springtime. In the meantime, please pray for me. Pray for strength and guidance. |
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