| The Truth Sets Me Free |
| May 6, 2002 We humans are amazing beings in our ability to sheild ourself from hurt and pain. I never knew that in it's entirety until this morning when I had a moment of clarity so powerful that in the middle of brushing my hair I had to sit down and absorb its meaning. As I explored the thought, the stark reality of it was totally illuminating. Let me explain. Have you ever noticed that I haven't mentioned my father in this whole thing? I never really did, until this morning. What did this mean? What, indeed! As I pondered this, for some reason my mind wandered back to my childhood. The first thing that popped into my mind was my habit of hiding behind the couch or in a closet. I would wrap myself into a tiny ball, trying to be as small and inconsequential as possible. I know now why I did this - my father was an awful man - full of hate, anger and blackness. Naturally, he took that anger out on his children. His fists, the belt, and his wicked words were tools he used to demean and cow us. And so I, in my childish wisdom, would often hide behind the couch - safe, warm, the couch a certain barrier - almost as if I was in the womb. I remember hearing my father's voice, and quivering. But I was safe. I was safe!!! No one could touch me in my world. No one could hurt me. No one could shame me. No one could make me feel like a nothing. No one. Not even my father. I would spend hours behind the couch, or behind my closet door, dreaming of castles and homes where children were loved and honoured. I was reluctant to leave my dream world, and would only come out for meals, or when I knew I had to make an appearance. I now know that had I been of lesser strength, I might simply have vanished into myself, never to be seen again. But I was blessed with a mother who was my mainstay, and who was strong. Thank God for that or I truly believe that I might be one of the untouchables, those people you see who have disconnected from their hurtful world. I left home when I was 16, never to return. At that time I was of average weight. But then, not surprisingly, I met and married a man seven years my senior - a man just like my father. As the years progressed, I began putting on weight. Today I realized that the weight was my way of hiding. But this time I would be big and inconsequential. Invisible. You can't touch me! My father, my husband, and hurtful people were kept at bay from my heart by my physical barrier of fat. Somewhere deep inside I must have known that a grown woman shouldn't be hiding behind couches and in closets. And let's not forget that my mother taught me that I am a survivor. Many people have asked me what happened for me to decide to lose weight. I never had an answer. I guessed it was time. But that wasn't the case. I even told those people that I had no "issues", I was fat simply because I over ate and because I loved all the wrong foods. I lied to myself. Now I know why I spent most of my adulthood wearing the heavy mantle of obesity. Why I had to struggle under its weight. This oddyssey to a new me actually began a year and a half ago. Although I was the dutiful daughter, and was the only child of five who had a relationship with my father, there came a time when I knew that the relationship was toxic. And so I let it die a natural death. I simply quit calling - and so did dad. It didn't hurt, it felt good to finally be free of his tyranny. I finally felt free! But there was my mother, my dear, sweet, beloved mother. Two months after the break with my father, my mother died. And when she died, the last link to my childhood was broken. I was no longer behind the couch, feeling like I was in the womb, safe and protected by my mother. I was alone in the world - parentless. Yes, for all intents and purposes I was parentless. That was February. I began this journey the following July. And since that day I haven't looked back. Not only do I get healthier in body every day, but so do I get healthier in mind and spirit. But I always wondered what would make me different than the statistics which show that most of us put the weight back on, and more. I never had the answer - and that scared the spit out of me. Today I have the answer and it is this: It's not enough that I simply lose weight, I must understand what path I took to get there. I must recognize that path so I never stray. I must know why I did what I did so I might not go there again. Now I know why. Finally, the truth has set me free. |
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