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Fun Page
Funnies
Welcome to my Funnies page. This will have a compilation of funny stories, and other crap that gets sent to me via e-mail. The good one's will get displayed here!!!
What is Hell!!
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa "Jugs" Banyan during my Freshman year - that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you".. And take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, it cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
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Bedtime Stories
How females differ over the ages:
8 Years: You take her to bed & tell her a story.
18 Years: You tell her a story & take her to bed.
28 Years: You don't have to tell her a story, you just take her to bed.
38 Years: She tells you a story & takes you to bed.
48 Years: You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 Years: You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
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Windaz 2000
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Darwin Awards 1999
Sometimes it is just unbelievable what the human
animal is capable of
achieving. I love these -- it just reinforces my
overall view of humanity...
The true high point of the e-mail year has
arrived. Yes, it is the 1999
Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you
who are not fully aware of the
Darwin Awards; these awards are given
annually (and posthumously) to
those individuals who did the most for the human
gene pool by removing
themselves from it.
And now for the top nominees for 1999 (so far)
.......
NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a Shotgun like a
club to break a
former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally
shot himself to
death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole
in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, a mechanic of Alamo, Michigan,
was killed as he
was trying to repair what police described as a
"farm-type truck"
Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a
highway while Burns
hung underneath so that he could ascertain the
source of the
troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however,
and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the
drive shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47 accidentally shot
himself to death in
Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a
ringing telephone
beside his bed, he reached for the phone, but
grabbed instead
a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged
when he drew it
to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer, demonstrating the safety
of windows in a
downtown Toronto skyscraper, crashed through a
pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A
police spokesman
said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of
the Toronto
Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he
was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law students.
Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of
window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawers,
managing partner of
the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto
Sun that Hoy was
"one of the best and brightest" members of the
200-man
association.
NOMINEE No. 5:
Michael Anderson Godwin made news posthumously.
He spent several
years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair
for a murder
conviction before successfully having his
sentence reduced to
life imprisonment. While sitting on a metal
toilet in his cell
and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit
a wire and was electrocuted.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead
yesterday after he tried to use
'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with
hooks on each end) to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle,
police said. Fairfax
County police
said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a
bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot,
anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit
the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a
police spokesman, said investigators think
Barcia was alone because his
car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he had assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle
and the ground," Carmichael
said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was
"major trauma." An autopsy is
scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the
upcoming Fourth of July holiday
and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks.
Their only real problem
was that their launch pad and seating arrangements
were atop a several
hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage
tank. Oddly enough, some
fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for
miles. They were launched
several hundred feet into the air and were found
dead 250 yards from their
respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake
in Texas when a lightning
storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats
immediately headed for the shore,
but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of
his aluminum bass boat
with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread
his arms wide (crucifixion
style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE
IT!" Needless to say, God
delivered. The other two passengers on the boat
survived the lightning strike
with minor burns.
CATCH!
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate.
It seems he and a friend
were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can
guess what happened from
here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards
candidate) was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow,
but he qualifies
nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from
Korea who was killed by
his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the
usual "walking and
talking"
when he walked into a tree and managed to
somehow break his neck. Keep
that in mind the next time you decide to drive
and dial at the same time.
GIMME A LIGHT!
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell
of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc.,
After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark.
To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described
the vision of one of the technicians reaching into
his pocket and retrieving
an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation
of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces of it up to three
miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians,
but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
that was suspected of
causing the explosion had never been thought of as
"bright" by his peers.
On the Razz....
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RUNNER UP..
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a
difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African
Safari (Zoo) with a group
of the spians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr.
Demuth went overboard to show
them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated
the effectiveness of
"Crazy Glue".. the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth
wanted to demonstrate
just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3
ounces of the adhesive in
the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on
the buttocks of a passing
rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past
thirteen years, was not
initially startled as it has been part of the
petting exhibit since its
arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of
its being involuntarily
stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran
around the petting area wildly
making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally
[the rhino] hasn't been
feeling well lately. She had been very constipated.
We had just given her a
laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels,
when Mr. Demuth played his
juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker.
During Sally's tirade two
fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
number of small animals
escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy
goats and one duck were
stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of
medics and zoo
caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks.
First, the animal had to
be captured and calmed down. However, during this
process the laxatives began
to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered
with over 30 gallons of
rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her
down, while at the same
time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino
dung. I guess you could
say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once
she was under control,
we had three people with shovels working to keep an
air passage open for Mr.
Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a
solvent to remove his
hands from her rear," said Douglass. I don't think
he'll be playing with
Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians
while obviously amused,
also were impressed with the power of the adhesive.
"I'm going to buy some
for my children, but of course they can't take it to
the zoo," commented
Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
/* This one is dubious. It has been "proven" to
be unsubstantiated */
CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS
"For several months, our nurses have been baffled to
find a patient dead in
the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for
the Pelonomi Hospital
(Free State, South Africa) told reporters. "There
was no apparent cause for
any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air
conditioning system, and a
search for possible bacterial infection, failed to
reveal any clues."
"However, further inquiries have now revealed the
cause of these deaths...
"It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady
would enter the ward
remove the plug that powered the patient's life
support system, plug her
floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about
her business. When she
had finished her chores, she would plug the life
support machine back in and
leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She
could not, after all, hear
the screams and eventual death rattle over the
whirring of her polisher".
"We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the
cleaner in question.
Further, the Free State Health and Welfare
Department is arranging for an
electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should
be no repetition of this
incident. The inquiry is now closed." (Cape Times).
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA.
Ani Saduki, 33, and his
brother decided to remove
a bees' nest from a shed on their property with
the aid of a 'pineapple'.
A ' pineapple' is an illegal firecracker which is
the explosive equivalent of
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the
fuse and retreated to watch
from inside their home, behind a window some 10
feet away from the
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion
shattered the window inwards
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki
needed stitches, the
brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their
car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving
bees. Unbeknownst to either
brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died
of suffocation en-route
to the hospital.
#2
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in
April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved
cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of
Russian roulette and put
a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver) to
Ken's
head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ.
An unidentified 29 year
old male choked to death
on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from
an exotic dancer at a
local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to
eat it," the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was
really drunk."
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker,
31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation
exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once
last year, according to
Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya
Cooke. She noted that
Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a
safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order
to stand in front of the
microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was
the only way he could stay
warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station,
where winter temperatures
often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat
water molecules within
human tissue in the same way that they heat food in
microwave ovens. For his
Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve
pack of beer and a plastic
lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line
with the strongest microwave
beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost
in microwave power
planned that night to handle the anticipated
increase in holiday
long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was
discovered by the daytime
watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he
mistook for a Christmas
roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a
surprise. Burns also reported
to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished
beers had exploded.
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...doing well....
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Girlfriend Trouble
I'm pretty sure some of you have experience with this kind of software incompatibilities....
Can anyone help me??
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've
been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.
0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend
releases I've
tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies
won't crash
if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned
off. But I'm
embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run
them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to
have a problem
coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with
some sort of
timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought
I might see
better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other
problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with
GirlFriend 2.0.
He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and
eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was
right - as
soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the
bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a
virus anyway.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very
cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first
and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for
a while
until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I
tried
running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed,
but
GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the
presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates
with it in some
way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The
version I
have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems.
Like all
versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I
can't
understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too
much attention
paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.
Also, to get
the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use
gold-plated
contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally
"object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend
to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident
version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within
a year if
you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that,
he had to
upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken
up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the
primary reasons
he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with
FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes
prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of
that, Wife 1.0
must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw
which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard
if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney
files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't
install
anyway because of insufficient resources.
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...is he in there??
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