jokes

NAVIGATION

You Know Your A Hobbit When.....

(1) You constantly say 'Do you follow me?' after you explain anything.
(2) You say 'Half a minute!' when you need more time instead of 'Just a sec'.
(3) You beg your parents every morning to make second breakfast. And they do...
(4) You never wear any pants that go past your ankles.
(5) You don't wear shoes. Even in the rain.
(6) You make tea for every single person that comes over. Even the postman.
(7) You let your hair go curly after coming out of the shower and run around your house yelling, 'I'm a Hobbit!'.
(8) You randomly yell out 'MUSHROOMS!' wherever you are, even in the library.
(9) And you don't care that people stare at you weird after you do.
(10) You don't drink any coffee, just tea.
(11) You rename you're best friend Merry, and you make him\her help you steal vegetables from your next door neighbor's garden.
(12) You eat all six square meals a day: breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, luncheon, dinner and supper.
(13) You've legally changed your last name to Baggins (or some other hobbitish last name).
(14) You're never invited to people's Forth of July parties...
(15) You put Rogaine on your feet hoping that they will grow fur.
(16) HOBBITS ARE SOOO CUTE! (does this sound like you?)
(17) You insist to your parents to replace your regular bedroom door with a green circular one.
(18) And they do it.
(19) You tell people that your house's address is: Bag End, Hobbiton, the Shire.
(20) You make one of these darn lists, and then follow it to the letter, just to prove that you are a Hobbit. (You are a very disturbed person...)
(21) When you don't understand something the teacher has just said in class, you say: "What do you suppose THAT means?"
(22) You call people that you don't like Sackville-Bagginses.

You know that you like Gandalf too much when....

(1) You walk up to complete strangers and say, 'Keep it secret, keep it safe', and then walk away snickering like a mad wizard.
(2) You attempt to grow a rrreeeaaalllyyy long white beard.
(3) And you succeed.
(4) And you're a girl.
(5) You simply have to find out which thrift store Gandalf bought those really nifty fireworks at.
(6) When you lock yourself in your room, trying to create a replica of Gandalf's staff, and your parents knock on your door asking what you are doing, you answer them by saying: 'Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.'
(7) You add some sort of color to your last name (i.e. Gandalf the Grey, Saruman the White).
(8) When someone irritates you, you scold them by saying: 'Fool of a Took!'
(9) You pay the newspaper to include your own advertisement as follows: 'Gandalf the Grey looking for four midgets, two tall warrior-type humans, one blond elf and one dwarf. Any that apply will be considered to be a part of the Second Fellowship of the Ring!'
(10) You actually buy one of those swords that is a replica of the one that Gandalf has in the movie. You then carry it with you everywhere, explaining that Orcs may be around every corner...
(11) You are arrested for carrying around that sword...
(12) Whenever you sign anything you sign your name with the Elven rune for 'G'.
(13) You always dress in either grey or white colors.
(14) You go around announcing to the world that: 'I LOVE GANDALF!!!'
(15) When you catch anyone spying or listening in on what you are doing, you grab them and say: 'Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been EAVESDROPPING?!'
(16) When you are watching the movie at home, and you see Gandalf fall off the bridge in Moria, you always cry out 'GAAANNNDDDAALLFF!!!', even though the rest of your family looks at you like you are mad.
(17) Your family sends you to a mental institution for the previous reason.
(18) You tell people that Gandalf could beat Harry Potter (aka Hairy Pothead) in a wizard's duel ANY old day.
(19) You tell people that Gandalf is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.
(20) You make one of these pointless lists to prove that you like Gandalf too much.
(21) While volunteering to help little school kids cross the street, instead of just holding up your trusty little stop sign to make the cars stop you hold your exact replica of Gandalf's sword and say, "You shall not pass!!!"

You know your obsessed when...

1. You are banned from talking about Lord of the Rings by your family.
2. You hear your mom coming up the stairs while you and your friend are sneaking food out of the fridge and say, "Something draws near, I can feel it."
3. You try and "run lightly" across the snow over......and over.........and over.........
4. Your Christmas list was: Anything Lord of the Rings...and oh, yeah, anything Lord of the Rings.
5. You know the family trees of the four Hobbits.
6. You refuse to wear shoes.
7. You point out people who could be hobbits, elves, dwarves, etc. etc.
8. You only hang out with your LOTR "Groupies" because all of your old friends have gotten sick of you talking about LOTR.
9. You think that Bill Gates is conspiring with Sarun to take over the world.
10. You look in the mirror constantly to see if your ears are growing pointy.
11. You act out scenes from the movies for your own amusement, videotaping yourself to see how close you get to the real thing.
12. You know all of the songs off of the FOTR soundtrack and TTT soundtrack.
13. You make stupid lists like these.
14. You collect all of the action figures and line them all up on your nightstand, kissing all of them goodnight before you go to bed, (yes, even the ugly orcs).
15. In your sewing class you insist on making a cloak for yourself exactly like those of the Fellowship (complete with the leaf broach at the collar).
16. You saw the midnight premiere of TTT, and were the first in line (you, of course, got there at 6:30 pm, and passed the time trading LOTR trading cards with other freaks.)
17. You do not think that the below is funny, and find it quite insulting:
18. You read stupid lists like these.
19. You ask the local restruants why they don't serve lambas.
20. You lose sleep over topics like: Is Legolas' hair really supposed to be brown?
21. You manage sites like these.
22. You insist that Middle-earth was real.
23. You cut all of your pants so that they look like trousers.
23. You don't read any LOTR Parodies because you find them insulting.
24. You spend all of your spare time on the internet surfing LOTR sites.
25. Your friends have to grab you by the arms whenever someone insults the Lord of the Rings. Especially, "It was so boring I fell asleep. "
26. You eat 12 breakfasts!
27. You think your brother is a dwarf because he is under 5 feet tall!

You know that you like Frodo too much when....

(1) You walk around with a very depressed look on your face. All the time.
(2) You read the title for this list and scream: "You can NEVER like Frodo TOO MUCH!!!"
(3) You change your name to Frodo.
(4) And you are a girl...
(5) You rename your overweight friend Sam, and make him haul all of your stuff around.
(6) You make a fansite dedicated to Frodo.
(7) You think that Elijah Wood is the best actor ever, just because he played Frodo.

You know you need a LOTR fix when...

1. (my apologies...deleted because it's a little naughty)
2. You insist on returning home with a lot of fanfare and trumpets
3. You find yourself at the jewelry counter and your a guy.
4. You start craving "pipeweed"
5. You swear the trees are talking to you (see #4)
6. When every blonde you see looks like an elf
7. You start referring to "little people" as Dwarves
8. When you ask to dance with Rosie at the July 4th celebrations
9. When you start referring to everything as "precious"
10. When you start posting to LOTR message boards!

Wizards would never say...
1. Spell check?!
2. I will have to check with my staff...
3. What do you mean...what color am I??!!!
4. You can never have too many hats.
5. No thank you...I don't smoke
6. I think I will just hang out here for a while.
7. I don't care what's under the mountain.
8. Yes...I know Harry Potter.
9. Moria?...yes please.
10. I remember when I was a kid, we used to have to.....

Top 10 things Aragorn would not say....
1. I need a shave and a haircut
2. Oh...I thought you said Gondors "Ming" dynasty
3. Yes...I know Harry Potter too.
4. What could I possibly do with a broken sword?
5. I just date Arwen...
6. No...I'm not the Lone Ranger
7. What's Spidey-sense?
8. Brown just isn't my color
9. I don't feel like going
10. Reforge it yourself!!!

Dwarves would never say...
1. Here is some gold for you to borrow.
2. I like Elves
3. Can I ride your horse?
4. I'm entering a tossing contest.
5. We prefer the term "little people"
6. We will do the cleaning up
7. Hello, I'd like to make a donation....
8. I don't know who my father is.
9. I'm tired of living in this dingy mountain 10. Mines...what mines?

Elves would never say....
1. I'm dead on my feet.
2. Can you see that...I forgot my glasses. 3. Let's go spelunking
4. I'd die for a......
5. Elbereth who?
6. I'm thinking of dying my hair red...
7. Let's go talk to those Dwarves.
8. Magic...we don't need no stinking magic!
9. Are you going to eat that..
10. Orcs are like family.

Hobbits would never say.....
1. I'm considering joining a gym...or maybe Slimfast
2. Is this a lite beer?
3. I'm going to shave my feet
4. No thank you...I'm full
5. I'd like the dinner salad please.
6. Can I borrow your boat?
7. Is that a pistol in your.....(never mind)
8. I'm returning the spoons I borrowed.
9. So your moving to a third floor apartment.
10. A Quest....yes please!

Top 10 reasons Aragorn should NOT be King:
1. He might have never returned.
2. He's so scruffy...Hairagorn
3. He doesn't validate parking
4. How can you be king when your sword is broken
5. He drives a Range Rover
6. We saw him in Bree...eating cheese
7. He doesn't know who his mother is
8. Always has a bag of Kingsfoil
9. Gondor has no king...Gondor needs no king
10. I don't think he wears pants under his robes

Top 10 reasons Sauron was destroyed...
1. He owned stocks in Martha Stewart
2. Someone poked him real hard in the eye
3. He always wore jewelry
4. He never recovered from that Melkor thing
5. Plenty of Mordor...not enough bricks
6. He tried to remove "under God" from the pledge of allegiance
7. The ring didn't fit anymore
8. He tried to become friends with Hannibal Lecter
9. Too many "bad" Hobbits....couldn't quit smoking
10. Bad Hair Day!

Top 10 reasons to NOT smoke pipeweed...
1. It gives you a long bottom
2. The shipments are being tracked
3. There is no reason #3
4. It makes your hair grow unnaturally long
5. The trees will start talking to you
6. Just say NO...

There are NO more reasons NOT to smoke pipeweed. Just a joke kids.

Top 10 reasons Hobbits are small....
1. You try living in a hole..
2. That much closer to the tap on a keg
3. So they will fit nicely in your pocketsesssss...
4. Stealth...stealth...stealth...
5. To make for a perfect sized snack
6. Their downsizing...
7. Fun at parties!!!
8. So they might be mistaken for a dwarf
9. Didn't eat their Wheaties
10. So that they might be inconspicuous if ever chosen by a wizard to go on a journey

Top 10 reasons Elves don't like Dwarves...
1. They smell...they do!!!...Dwarves smell...
2. They try to use the courts to force everyone to make accessible toilets
3. Always referring to their fathers
4. They carry axes...'nuff said
5. There is no reason #5
6. They are always trying to shave off the elves "golden" hair
7. Poor table manners
8. Their not tender and juicy
9. They keep referring to elves as "stretch" and "slim"
10. That Balrog thing.....

Top 10 reasons to live in Middle- Earth
1. No Lawyers
2. No Lawyers
3. Great place to use a metal detector
4. Goldberry and Arwen are babes...
5. No one will ask you to quit smoking!
6. The marginal tax rate on capital gains is nearly non-existent
7. No lawyers
8. I want to see mountains....
9. The bird-watching is unreal
10. No phone salesmen

Top 10 reasons to stop by "The Prancing Pony"
1. Hob-nob with Bob and Nob
2. Bill Ferny is a delight
3. Someone might break into song
4. The pony is a prancer
5. The view
6. No sales tax on beer
7. You never know who might drop by in the middle of the night
8. Some guy named Strider hangs out there...he's a gas
9. Can pick-up a pony for a great price
10. The smell of Bree cheese!