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PROPER FARTING
DIET
As for diet- 3 things affect
the common fart;
- Meat vs. Fish
consumption. Diets that contain red meat will add to the
stench a fart makes. Fish creates an even more pungent aroma, because
they have a higher protein to fat ratio. Meat or fish alone will make
very smelly farts, but this type of diet produces infrequent
flatulation.
- Veggies/Fiber.
Veggies contain lots of fiber, which increases bowel activity and
creates a higher frequency of farts. Veggies alone, however, do not
create very smelly farts. Why care if someone eats a odorless fart?
- Air/carbonation
intake. Extra air in the stomach, or an increase in carbonated
beverages will exponentially increase one's level of flatulence.
In summation, meat for
quality, fiber for frequency, carbonation for immediacy. A 30/70
split between fish/meat and veggies washed down with a carbonated beverage
will produce the perfect Uberfaarter!
As for physical activity- The only thing a good fart hander needs is quick
arm reflexes. Other than that, feel free to become fatter than Jabba the
Hutt after having swallowed Fat Albert, because your increased buttocks
will only amplify your farts! Good exercises include channel
surfing, changing your baseball hat, pretending to salute yourself in the
mirror, and pounding down Cheetos (the latter which has a bonus effect!)
BONUS INFO: Wanna get a
leg up on the competition? Pour Beano on his dinner before the big
game. He'll be mystified why the chili con carne is producing such
sound farts for you and nary a rumbling for him. Think of the fun!
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