To start off, the person on the banner is not me (ha! I wish). It's V�ronique Cloutier. I think she's the cutest thing in the world and the picture just fit the topic... ranting and raving... cheerleaders? Get it?

Okay, basic description of what this column is about... the site is about hotties. Well, here I 'rant, rave, and review' the latest things that have hotties in them. I may do a movie review that has a handsome actor in it and most likely spoil the ending. Or I could possibly do a quick critique of a sports game. Or maybe a long comparison of music albums. Etc, etc, etc.

Today's Date: Friday, July 26th, 2002

Tonight's movie was... *drum roll* The Watcher...

MCA Home Video
Cast: James Spader, Marisa Tomei, and (of course, the showstopper) Keanu Reeves...
Director: Joe Charbanic (sounds fake; doesn't shock me because I wouldn't want to be known as the person who directed this crap either)
Rating: R (yes, put the children to bed. there's some potty mouthes in this flick)

The Watcher. Yes, throughout the movie I asked myself the same thing over and over... "What the hell am I doing WATCHING this crap?"

Well, it had a hottie in it, and I was saving From Hell with Johnny Depp for later on...

To start things off on The Watcher. Perhaps the movie wouldn't be so bad without Keanu "Bill and Ted" Reeves. I mean, his IQ is the same amount of stars that his movies all receive; which is "2". Don't get me wrong. He's a hottie, but he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. "Woah! Narly! I'm like totally stuck in this bag, dude! Like how do I get out, man? Isn't there like... *thinks* a hole or something? *laughs* That rocks, dude. Yeah."

Well, DUDE, Keanu's acting talent shines once again in this movie. There's a particular scene where Keanu has his idiocy show (yes, it shows all movie, but one part it's really particular)... he calls Joel Campbell, played by James Spader, in the middle of the night from a telephone and he starts talking about how cold the weather is in Chicago and how Joel is a loser because he doesn't get out much. Earth to Keanu, you're the loser that followed him there. "Woah! I totally like don't get you, dude!"

Joel Campbell is plagued by the death of his ex-girlfriend who was cheating on her husband to be with him. (She was also killed by Reeves). "No way, I like killed somebody? Woah! That like sucks, dude!" So he relocates to Chicago in order to escape the eight years of his life wasted on trying to find David Allen Griffin, who is played by... "dude, my name is Keanu, not that David dude or whatever. Here, I'll like spell it for you *thinks* K... uh... K... uh... K... uh... K...eanu, yeah. All right. Keanu. That's my name. Narly! I can spell, dude!" Right... who is played by Reeves.

I was flipping channels to find something interesting on and I saw this. I missed about the first fifteen minutes, but I hardly think I missed that much.

Griffin and Joel have such chemistry. They need each other to co-exist. Griffin sends Joel pictures of the girls he plans to kill and gives him specific amounts of time in order to save the girls, but unfortunately, he's always too late. Griffin makes sure to pick the most unsuspecting girls, the girls that are usually single and ignored everyday, "watches" them and then kills them.

Griffin kills the women by strangling them with piano chords and this basically cuts their throats. "Woah. Piano... I've heard of those. Wasn't that the dude who like lied and his nose grew or something? That story was like sad, man." Unique idea, but they never tell us where he gets these mysterious piano chords. I don't think that Keanu/Griffin/Ted whatever his name is would own a piano. But hey, what am I saying? I keep piano chords in my purses all the time!

Joel needs help, so he goes to see a psychiatrist, Dr. Polly Beilman, Marisa Tomei's character... who later becomes one of Reeves' intended victims. One asks, 'how does this dashing actor come in contact with Dr. Beilmen?' He watches Joel go into her office for a quick session. Griffin later stops by and asks for Dr. Beilman's help in some personal issues.

Of course, Griffin breaks into her office at night and digs through her files finding all of Joel's sessions with her. Doctors don't lock their file cabinets... *gasp* How dare I speak such blasphemy!

Throughout the movie, there are many opportunities for Joel to catch Griffin, like the car chase near the end of the movie. Any actual cop would've shot the tires instead of chasing the criminal and shooting at the car. *sigh* Well, you learn something stupid everyday. "Woah. Really? That's like so cool. It's just like my mom says, man." What does your mom say, Keanu? "Uh... what?" Nevermind.

I've discovered that Griffin has horrible asthma. It's not revealed, but it's quite apparent when they go to "GV" (Griffin Vision) and he sounds like freakin' Darth Vader in the background as he stalks his prey. "Woah SHSHSHSHSH I'll like give you money SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH if you like SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH dance with me SHSHSHSHSHSHSHSH."

Not only does he use all these dumb pick up lines but he looks like such a goober. His hair is too long and he's got this sh*t-eating grin across his face. He also wears the same exact outfit every time you see him, which probably means he doesn't shower and also means that he has rancid BO! Gross, Keanu! "What, man? Did I like do something?" *holds nose* No, Keanu, it's probably what you didn't do...

The smartest victim of all was the last one (the one before Marisa Tomei). Keanu comes to the alley, where she lives, and says something dumb about the music on the radio. "Woah. You have a radio. How cool, dude. And it makes noise! Dude, are there like people in there?? Narly!" Well, she clocks him in the head with the stereo and gets her ass outta there. Unfortunately later on when she's hiding from Keanu, he finds her and kills her. Too bad, another hate crime. Why must you kill the smart ones, Keanu? Why? "Uh... totally, dude. Yeah."

Alas, the movie must come to an end and Griffin tries to kill Marisa Tomei but love triumphs and Campbell, who Griffin decided to bring along, saves her. He tries killing Dr. Beilman by the same way he killed Joel's old flame (no pun intended) by tying her up and setting her on fire. It doesn't work. The flaming (literally) Keanu along with Beilman and Campbell jump out of the window. And well, what do ya know? There's a river right next to the building in order to extinguish the fire. What are the chances of that? Huh?

Griffin is dead and Dr. Beilman breaks one of the biggest "no-no's" in psychiatric rules by falling in love with one of her patients. The two leave together and the scene fades to black... and I go take a shower.

Now, seriously, was this movie a waste of money, time, energy, oxygen, Coke (what I drank while watching), chips (what I ate), and many other numerous things? Yes. It was. Sorry, Keanu... maybe if you weren't in it, I would've found it more enjoyable.

"No way, man. This movie like TOTALLY kicked butt, man! Woah! All right, dude. Woah! You gotta totally see this movie. I like totally get the chicks and I'm like so... woah! All right, man. Yeah. Totally, dude. Hey, where are you like going, man?"

That's all chicas. I'll be back another time to rant, rave, and review many other movies, bands, and sporting events. Until then, I'm out.

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