Here's the story: I was looking after my girlfriend's cousins the other day, and they were running riot. And we all know what sates unruly children, right? Retro video gaming. Well, if the truth be told, I was bored and hungry, so I thought playing games would be pretty cool. Whether it had any effect on their behaviour I don't actually know, nor care.
So I dig out my girlfriend's old PlayStation. Not exactly my idea of a good time, and I'd rather have played a bit of SNES or an old arcade game with zombies in it, but it seemed to make the kids happy. The five year old wanted to play me at something, and as no-one was around to tell me what good children's games they had (and seeing as I was feeling like a bit of a smartarse), I stuck in 'Tekken 3'. Ha, the idea of a five year old playing a violent Beat 'Em Up. Man, I rule.
She beat me. A five year old girl.
Read that again. Let it seep in. Remember my article about kicking ass at video games? I stand by it. I am AMAZING at computer games. I've taken on 2 VS 1 wrestling challenges, and left battered bodies in the ring. Hell, I've taken on three players at plenty of games and came out tops. The pussies that spend their nights on these online game servers have nothing on me. I am the king. In total, you could count the amount of times I have been beaten in my gaming life on one hand. I am that good.
A five year old girl beat me at 'Tekken 3'.
This is not a joke. I am deadly serious. But wait, there's more. She didn't know what character she was. I tried explaining it repeatedly to her. "No, honey, you're the one in purple," I told her again and again. Nothing. Nada. There was a vacant glare in her eyes. She wasn't listening. The little dear didn't have a clue what was going on.
And this is why I hate 'Tekken 3'. It requires one skill, if you can call it that. The skills needed for zombie shoot 'em ups? Steely courage. A deadly accurate aim with a shotgun. For wrestling games? Determination. Patience, for seeking out that one killing blow. An experience with all the moves, and when to use them best. An exact estimation of what your opponent is going to do, and when. The one skill required for 'Tekken 3'?
Opposable thumbs.
Seriously, that's all you fucking need for this stupid shitty game. It's just button-bashing. It isn't even a case of who can bash buttons faster, because I fucking know I can do that shit faster than a five year old girl. It's just completely and utterly random button-bashing. It is an absolute insult to the fine world of gaming. It is to games as 'Grabbed By The Ghoulies' is to Rareware's back catalogue (served the fucking cunts right for shifting allegiances anyway).
Now, this 'Tekken 3' bag of crap was released in 1997. That's seven long years ago. I had avoided it up until recently. Why did none of you out there warn me? Why did I have to find this out for myself? This has been a most painful experience for me. Not only being beaten by someone that still reads 'stories' and not 'literature', and that still eats most food with her hands, but also discovering just how bad this travesty of a game is. As a gamer, I was both hurt and offended by it.
But wait. This story isn't over yet. Far from it.
It's much later. The kids have gone home, and after several hours of watching them play 'Rugrats: Search for Reptar' or some shit, my brain is fucking fried. I just want to chill and do what I do best. I'm thinking here along the lines of watching a Clint Eastwood film, drinking some orange juice, reading a comic, or listening to a bit of heavy metal. But hey, the console is still lying out on the floor, and it's just me and my lady, alone in the house. And you know what horny adolescents left alone like to get up to.
Video gaming.
So in an attempt to unwind, I challenge her to a game or two of 'Tekken 3', mostly because I had a bruised ego that needed righting, and I felt I had something to prove to the game.
But I'm on Easy Street here. This is territory I know, and love. I've played her at thousands of games, from 'Burnout' to 'Mario Kart', 'Medal Of Honor' right through to 'Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine' (anyone remember that? That was a hell of a game). She never wins. Bless her cotton socks, she's a brilliant partner, and I love her dearly, and ask her to recite the entire cast list from a Richard Curtis rom-com and she could probably do it in fluent French, backwards. But she's crap at video games. This was going to be an easy win for me.
She beat my ass to a bloody pulp. This wasn't a victory for her, it was a fucking sabotage. We had a ten man Team Battle, and my pussies were dropping like fucking flies. I took out about one dude to her three, or four, of mine. If you've ever seen that film Red Dragon, it was just like the end where the woman kills Ralph Fiennes and then just keeps fucking shooting, again and again, until the gun is empty. If you haven't seen it, then I've just spoiled it, so I'm rather pleased.
But anyway, that's just what it was like. Again and again she brought the pain to my sorry ass. Even by the time that there was no chance in Hell of me winning, she just kept stomping and stomping at my face. Granted, it was her game, but what fucking difference should that make? I take people on at their own games all the time, and kick ass.
This was my own girlfriend for fuck's sake. Men aren't supposed to lose to their chicks. It's a universally accepted rule. I mean, that's what girlfriends are for - whenever a guy is feeling down (about his small dick or whatever), he feels safe in the knowledge that he can challenge the missus to a bit of Xbox and he'll feel like a champion once more.
To make matters even worse, I was cheating. Her pad stopped working halfway through, so I just started laying into her character with some awesome kick/punch combos. And then the timer ran out, and somehow, I STILL FUCKING LOST!
It's solely down to this fucking 'Tekken 3' shit, I swear to you. It's a disgrace to games. The day that a five year old girl and my girlfriend both beat me at a violent video game is the day that all proof of a God is officially nullified. And that day has come. There is no God, of that I'm sure.
But don't worry about me. I was fine, after a while. I got up from the sofa, went to the bathroom, and produced one of the biggest jobbies I have ever seen in my life. This was crazy. A monstrosity. One of the most awesome shits I have bore witness to. The process of it leaving my body was probably classed as labour. Honest, doctors would have tried to cut the umbilical cord on this guy.
Man, I was so fucking proud. I opened the window, let the entire street share the amazing odour that I had created, and went and ate some cookies.
In conclusion, 'Tekken 3' sucks big hairy balls.