THE PERFECT WOMAN

by Geoff Brantholder

The FAWN World Title seems to be a rather slippery item, difficult to grasp and place around you waist, even more so to keep there.  Every title match swings one way or the other on the tiniest of margins, strengths emphasized, weaknesses taken advantage of.  Every contender can make a claim that she is the best.

But say we wanted to play Frankenstein, build a title holder who would dominate, subjugate, and rule FAWN with an iron fist or manicure, as the case may be.  First, we need to gather the parts.

1) BRAIN –              Portia VanBuren -  Is there anyone more devious, more conniving, more shrewd?  She does more with less and has the disciplined intelligence to never stray far from her game.  The wheels are always spinning with this nasty brat.  And if you’re waiting for a mistake, you’ll be waiting on your back.

                                Runner-up: Anciline DeCyr -  Cold, calculating, heartless.  She’s got a five-tool body but it’s the intellect that drives this machine.  Usually three steps ahead of her opponents and can say “I just kicked your ass” in a dozen languages.

2) FACE -                Portia VanBuren – No, we’re not groveling at the foot of Fortune’s Favorite looking for an invite to an exclusive party, although we ARE available.  Buts SHE IS the face of FAWN at the moment and those flawless uva-covered cheekbones give the titleholder a Vanity Fair look with a Fortune 500 attitude

                                Runner-up: Cosette LeBlanc – Let’s face it.  Get it?  Face it.  We could’ve have chosen a couple dozen runners-up, but Anciline’s more pleasant, perky countrywoman gets the nod.  She’s just a precious little China Doll with a button nose and deep, dark sympathetic eyes.  We could just eat her up.  Anyone for Freedom Fries?

3) CHIN -                  Jeanette Lansdale – This blonde knockout exemplifies resolve.  She takes a licking and comes back ticking like a bomb, just ask the women laid waste on her run to the FAWN title or the numerous IFWF titles.  A word of warning for the rest of our head, she’s taken years more punishment and is still breathing down your neck.  

                                Runner-up: Kylie Sanders -  If we’re talking punishment per capita as relates to FAWN can anyone take more in a match and somehow stay alive than the cutie from the cornfields.  Remember, we didn’t say win.  Kylie’s body doesn’t look built for battering, but she’s been the Homer to the Drederick Tatum’s of FAWN.

4) ARMS -               Jeanette Lansdale – Might not have the biggest or most powerful guns in FAWN, but they’re plenty strong and she sure as hell knows how to use them.  Adept at lifting, heaving, tossing, but maybe best in defense, with counters leading to instant offense.

                                Runner-up: Shannen Dennehy – Here’s where we get to the power.  Shannen’s bearhug is probably the scariest in the game.  When you’ve been throwing cattle around on the ranch, what’s a curvy, little biped?

5) FISTS -                Cathy Dennehy – Fingers can be clenched into an empty fist and used effectively, but where’s the fun in that.  The thought of the tag team legend’s Crotch Claw has sent many girls running back to Mommy, but the intense, mind-altering feel of one can cause more tapping than the move ‘Drumline’.  Though she may have slowed, top singles talent will have nothing to do with her and the fingers that can end a match in a crotch-pulsing heartbeat.

                                Runner-up: Ivy Armstrong – You probably don’t have to guess very hard that the redhead’s lower limbs might be involved in our perfect beast, but she heaves a pretty heavy heart stopper.  With her defibrillating cardiac cruncher, it’s as much about leverage and hitting the target just right as power, but those clenched digits are what roll eyes over white and drop you like a heart attack.

6) BREASTS -         Shannen Dennehy – This was a no-brainer.  Sorry, Portia.  Talk about your lactose intolerance.  These mountains of molten milk are like NyQuil to the Nth degree, though they cause panic and fear before drowsiness.  What makes these weapons so unique is that they almost seem to be applied with loving care and often lead to Shannen getting her ‘loving share’ on the opponent’s greasy, slumbering features.  Sorry Kylie.

                                Runner-up: Chrissy Daniel – Who says a violent, vulgar bully can’t have a good side?  The Killer Imp has two and she knows what to do with them.  An integral part of Death by Misadventure, the gi-normous globes are a final curtain, a fleshy shroud, to one of the most devastating finishers in the game.  Sorry Shea.

7) HEART -              Kylie Sanders – OK.  It’s a cliché, but sometimes those pesky things are true.  She learned the ropes the hard way, or more appropriately learned the stitching pattern on the canvas along with the configuration of arena lighting with her many trips to the mat.  Through the Milk Runs and Daniel Deaths, through the Cruel and Unusuals and of course the uncounted Rumpshakers, she kept those cheeky little elfin features up and dividends are now being collected.  We’ll see if Shea ripped out her blood-pumper, but for now, she’s number 1.

                                Runner-up: Cynthia Mitchell – Maybe as tough a road as Kylie.  Maybe tougher.  Suffered awful beatings without the notoriety, but perhaps without the support Sanders had.  In the shadow of both a mother and a sister who have more natural gifts.  Not good.  Ivy Armstrong has you on her ‘shit list’.  Much worse.  She hasn’t found the singles groove, but she’s been forged into a two-time, two-time tag champ that any team takes with deadly seriousness.

8) BELLY -              Miriam Gaiman – Apparently devices sold on late-night infomercials are not the only way to get a midsection to die for.  The redheaded S&M Queen seems to have mastered another technique while mastering most of her opponents.  Her yummy tummy has the perfect hint of definition and is gloriously pale white meat.  Not that we have balls to ask for a taste. 

                                Runner-up: Lorelei Butler -  Ivy’s cousin and new addition to the ranks.  This blonde-haired, tawny, Southern Belle may not be a big name, YET, but she also may have invented the crunch.  Her bronzed expanse of midriff is coin-bouncing material that goes on for days thanks to some low riding cutoffs.  Her taut belly leaves fans’ mouths watering and foes looking for another place to attack.

9) HIPS -                  Holly Hotbody – Practice.  Practice.  Practice.  Your Mom told you that.  Unless, you’re Holly Hotbody, then it was an ex-bouncer bar owner with delusions of grandeur.  Thanks to her dancing glory days, Holly can swivel her ‘hot’ hips better than anyone.  Though they mostly come into play during another victory dance, her sway and shimmy has gotten her out of some tight spots and TO some Hot Spots.

                                Runner-up: LaKeisha Bates – The Nubian Princess and former FAWN champ makes her first appearance.  With a Hall of Fame booty, it’s not surprising that her side bumpers get a mention.  It’s more than just a hip check in the match, as she uses that shake and bake to generate a whole helluva lot of power.  But after the match, those hips drive home one helluva statement, sucker.  Usually, with a moist, sticky exclamation point.

10) Crotch -             Anyone who hasn’t faced Cathy Dennehy – First, my editors made me include this part…really.  Second, once Cathy pops your cherry and squeezes it into fixings for a Shirley Temple, you’re sweetmeat is never as sweet.  In FAWN, you can’t have a glass crotch anymore than a glass jaw and those that have suffered under Cathy are fine crystal when she’s done.

                                Runner-up: Faith and Hope Clarkson – Celebrated tag team that’s off to a slow start after stepping up to the big girls.  But stepping up to girls is not the only thing these two from the Isle of Lesbos enjoy.  Oh the stories these two crotches could tell.  We’re guessing that with experience comes wisdom and control and these two lockboxes would be hard to pick…without an invitation.

11) Butt -                 LaKeisha Bates – DUH.  Bates’ renowned backside may be the only part of our monster that is known well outside FAWN circles and we don’t just mean around the offices of BadBoy.  It’s a force.  It’s a presence.  And we hear Kylie Sanders includes it in her nightly prayers.  “Protect Mommy and Daddy and keep that thing the hell away from me.”  Unfortunately for her and many others, LK knows all too well what to do with FAWN’s resident landmark.  Truly the eighth wonder of the world.

                                Runner-up: ‘Rose Cardigan’ – If your glutes can put people not in the hospital but in the morgue that is one Bad Ass. This psycho does it without a second thought or maybe a first.  Rose’s cheeks have dispatched Maiden America and Mighty Wonderful to FAWN’s Great Beyond but with the size of 14B’s behind what could be beyond that.

12) Legs -               Ivy Armstrong – DOUBLE DUH.  Ah Ivy’s legs.  Ivory, muscled harbingers of doom.  If I sound a bit overly dramatic to the point of mythic, you’ll have to forgive me and the entire FAWN roster.  These body crushers not only take your strength and breath, but your will, as well.  This ‘Charm’er has dual silky sleek, pythons that swallow you whole and spit out the nothing but a husk.  Perhaps the most fearsome ingredient of our recipe.

                                Runner-up: Helga Schmidt -  Yeah.  She’s new.  But have you seen this woman.  Six feet of Teutonic terror, and four of it might be legs.  On size and definition alone, The Valkyrie’s a monstrous threat to inject some competition into this category.  If she is the next level of FAWN competitor, how can the smaller girls survive.  Helga’s legs might split them in two.  More body bags, anyone?

13) Feet -                Shea London – It’s a bird.  It’s a plane.  You know the rest.  Like a hummingbird with a sledgehammer, Shea has been swooping and striking opponents far longer than FAWN’s existence.  After a tough stretch, she’s reclaimed her standing among the elite and it all starts with those petite feet.  Both fast and agile, she can take you out in the blink of an eye, cause there’s plenty of punch packed in those piggies.

                                Runner-up: Midori Tanaka – So she’s not officially in FAWN.  She’s here for the moment and I’m taking my piece of flesh.  These feet have a PhD in the martial arts and a hunger for belly, breasts and head, not to mention other tender areas.  Either foot can come from any direction with blinding speed.  It’s rare when feet are a difference-maker in the American game, so this change of pace can leave even the so-called best as Midori’s Welcome Mat.

Final) Attitude -        Xia DeSade – Others have had it.  But only one does.  The raven-haired S&M Master does not go into matches thinking she’ll win, not even knowing she’ll win, her confidence reaches the level of knowing she’s already won.  Her savage destruction of the frightening Miriam Gaiman the ultimate calling card, no one has even approached defeating this sedate sadist.  The top names want nothing to do with her, which may work for now, but won’t forever.

                                Runner-up: Holly Hotbody – So many choices here, but Holly edges out the others with her rightfully callous disregard for convention.  She made it to the top as a favorite among the fans and was well-liked among her peers.  However, when it meant staying on top, she threw those considerations under the bus and made the title all about HER.  Always honest.  Never saccharine sweet.  She is a true testament to the American Way.  ME.  ME.  ME.

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