A man is driving down the road and breaks down near
a Kenpo Monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks
on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the
night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even
fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a
strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks
what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a Kenpo Monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and
goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of
the same Kenpo Monastery. The monks accept him,
feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same
strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next
morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a Kenpo Monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to
become a Kenpo Monk, how do I become a monk?
"The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell
us how many blades of grass there are, the exact
number of sand pebbles on all the beaches and exactly
which way is the correct way to perform the 154 Base
Self Defense Techniques of Kenpo that SGM Parker
left us with. When you find these answers, you will
become a Kenpo Monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he
returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what
you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades
of grass, 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles
on the earth, There are 456,789,987,765,478,234,793
different ways to execute the 154 Self Defense Techniques".
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Kenpo
Monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
Head Kenpo Monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The
monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind
the wooden door is another door made of stone. The
man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give
him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of
ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who
provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone
through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last
door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the
door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed
to find the source of that strange sound.
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Bu,t I can't tell you what it is, because YOU'RE not a
Kenpo Monk.
Aikido:
A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him.
Unless
of course his does not know how to
ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in
about 20 places. See also Aikido: Origami with
people
Kenpo:
Percussion class with people as the drums
Arnis:
"Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and
kali, centering
around stick, blade and empty hand
combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a
quick taste.
Bo:
A stick.
Bokken:
A stick that looks like a sword.
Buddhism:
A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues
of
short fat bald men.
Chi:
A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying
the
laws of physics and the basic scientific
common sense, allows the user to develop
super human strength.
Dan:
A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the
rank of
at least first-degree black belt.
Darn:
The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now
get hit
harder and more frequently during training.
Dojo:
"The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a
B & D parlor
but without the mistress.
Hakama:
A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to
talk about it.
Iaido:
"Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its
scabbard.
A rather interesting art developed
around the principle of "look how big mine is".
Judo:
"Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each
other
without apparently doing any damage.
These men are often closet Hakama wearers.
Jujitsu:
A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage.
Tend to
get very angry when accused of being
Hakama wearers and often are heard saying
"You gotta a big mouth" See also ->People
who fold your laundry for you----while
you are still wearing it.
Karate:
"Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction
of
wood and other natural products. Most
Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's
most wanted list. This art will be
outlawed by most countries by the turn of the
century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown
by their habit of fighting with their
fists on their hips.
Kata:
A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial
arts in
order to avoid free sparring or anything
else that may involve pain.
Katana:
A sharp metal stick.
Kendo:
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks
and making
in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
Kuk Sool Won:
A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions
but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool
Won are much more expensive.
Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these
arts involve
the emulation of animals. Many students
of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to
obtain the other 4 legs while students
of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves
being carted off by men in white lab coats.
Master:
A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after
long years
of study or has started his own style
after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or
has completed the "Become a Master
by Video" course available for only 19.95 per
month.
Naginata:
A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
Ninja:
A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his
pajamas.
Ninjutsu:
The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas
Sparring:
Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you
don't
know any kata or techniques.
Tae kwon do:
An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility
of a
professional ballet dancer.
Tai chi chuan:
Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly
for
many years. The drawback being that by the
time you develop the ultimate power
you are close to death anyway.
Tatami:
"Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches
thick (with
bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent
blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff:
Three sticks linked together. Duh...
Zen:
The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes
meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission
of teachings from master to
student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused
monks who have had one too
many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation.
Works best when sitting
in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.
