Saturday, April 4, 1807
No. VII
Asem Hacchem
Principle Slave-Driver
c/o His Highness
Bashaw of Tripoli
Tripoli
I promised in a former letter, good Asem, that I would furnish thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the government by which I am held in durance.... thou mayest easily imagine that the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mist of illusion and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must be limited indeed.
I find that the people of this country are strangely at a loss to determine the nature and proper character of their government: even their dervises are extremely in the dark as to this particular, and are continually indulging in the most preposterous disquisition on the subject! Some have insisted that it savours of an aristocracy; others maintain that it is a pure democracy; and a third set of theorist declare absolutely that it is nothing more nor less than a mobocracy. The latter, I must confess, though still wide in error, have come nearest to the truth....
.... their government is a pure, unadulterated logocracy, or government of words. The whole nation does every thing viva voce, or by word of mouth; and in this manner is one of the most military nations in existence. Every man who has what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright, and is for ever in a militant state. The country is entirely defended vi et lingua - that is to say, by force of tongues. ....
In a logocracy, thou will knowest, there is little or no occasion for fire-arms. Or any such destructive weapons. ... he who has the longest tongue or readiest quill is sure to gain the victory; will carry horror, abuse and inkshed, into the very trenches of the enemy, and without mercy or remorse, put men, women, and children, to the point of the - pen!
There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy, among the higher classes, to dethrone his highness the present bashaw (Thomas Jefferson), and place another in his stead. ... The true reason, I am told, is, that the bashaw absolutely refuse to believe in the Deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass; maintaining that this animal was never yet permitted to talk, except in a genuine logocracy, where, it is true, his voice may often be heard, and is listened to with reverence, as "the voice of the sovereign people." Nay, so far did he carry his obstinacy, that he absolutely invited a professed Antediluvian from the Gallic empire, who illuminated the whole country with his principles - and his nose.(A gentle reproof directed against Mr. Jefferson, for the indiscretion he committed in inviting Paine to America, and openly taking him under his protection. Editor)
This was enough to set the country in a blaze; - every slang-whanger resorted to his tongue or his pen; and for seven years have they carried on a most inhuman war, in which volumes of words have been expended, oceans of ink have been shed; nor has any mercy been shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day have these slang-whangers made furious attacks on each other, and upon their respective adherents- discharging their heavy artillery, consisting of large sheets, loaded with scoundrels! Villain! Liar! Rascal! Numskull! Nincompoop! Dunderhead! Wiseacre! Blockhead! Jackass! - and I do swear, by my beard, though I know thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in some of these skirmishes the grand bashaw himself has been woefully pelted! - yes most ignominiously pelted! - and yet have these talking desperadoes escaped without the bastinado!
...This is sufficient to show you the manner in which these bloody, or rather windy fellows fight; it is the only mode allowable in a logocracy, or government of words.
... But in nothing is the verbose nature of this government more evident than in its grand national divan, or congress, where the laws are framed. This a blustering, windy assembly, where everything is carried by noise, tumult, and debate; for thou must know that the members of this assembly do not meet together to find wisdom in the multitude of counselors, but to wrangle, call each other hard names, and hear themselves talk. When the congress opens, the bashaw first sends them a long message, i.e. a luge mass of words - vox et praeteea nihil, all meaning nothing; because it only tells them what they perfectly know already, the whole assembly are thrown into a ferment, and have a long talk about the quantity of words that are to be returned in answer to this message; and here arise many disputes about the correction and alteration of "if so be's " and howsever's" A month, perhaps, is spent in thus determining the precise number of words the answer shall contain; and then another, most probably, in concluding whether it shall be carried to the bashaw on foot, or horseback, or in coaches. Having settled this weighty matter, they next fall to work upon the message itself, and hold as much clattering over it as so many magpies over an addled egg. This done, they divide the message into small portions, and deliver them into the hands of little juntos of talkers, called committees, these junto have each a world of talking about their respective paragraphs, and return the results to the grand divan, which forthwith falls to and retalks the matter over more earnestly than ever. Now after all it is an even chance that the subject of this prodigious arguing, quarreling, and talking, is an affair of no importance, and ends entirely in smoke. .... "all talk and no cider:' this is particularly applied when their congress, or assembly of all the sage chatterers of the nation, have chattered through a whole session, in a time of great peril and momentous event, and have done nothing but exhibit the length of their tongues and the emptiness of their heads. ... there have been absolutely several old women smuggled into congress from different parts of the empire, who, having once got on the breeches, as thou mayest well imagine, have taken the lead in debate, and overwhelmed the whole assembly with their garrulity! For my part, as times go, I do not see why old women should not be as eligible to public councils as old men who posses their dispositions; they certainly are eminently possessed of the qualifications requisite to govern in a logocracy.
Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, can be done in this country without talking; but they take so long to talk over a measure, that by the time they have determined upon adoption it, the period has elapsed which was proper for carrying in into effect. Unhappy nation! Thus torn to pieces by intestine talks! Never, I fear, will it be restored to tranquility and silence. Words are but breath; breath is but air; and air put into motion is nothing but wind. This vast empire therefore, may be compared to nothing more nor less than a mighty windmill, and the orators, and the chatterers, and the slang-whangers are the breezes that put it in motion: unluckily, however, they are apt to blow different ways; and their blast contracting each other, the mill is perplexed, the wheels stand still, the grist is unground, and the miller and his family starved.
Everything partakes of the windy nature of the government. In case of any domestic grievance, or as insult from a foreign foe, the people are all in a buzz; ...
As to his Highness the present pashaw, who is at the very top of the logocracy, never was a dignitary better qualified for his station. He is a man of superlative ventosity, and comparable to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of vanquishing all opposition by the force of reason and philosophy; throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and defies them to meet him - on the field of argument!.... Heavens, my friend, what a deal of blustering is here! It reminds me of a dunghill cock in a farm-yard, who, having accidentally in his scratchings found a worm, immediately begins a most vociferous cackling - calls around him his hen-hearted companions, who run chattering from all quarters to gobble up the poor little worm that happened to turn under his eye. ...
Ever thine,
Mustapha
*****
August 2, 2002
Email to: Asem Hacchem VIII
Having found in an old trunk a letter intended for delivery to your great ancestor Asem Hacchem, I am posting it on the Internet for your information.
Much has not changed in the two centuries since pen was put to paper by my most worthy, virtuous and noble sire. To properly update events, it is only necessary to substitute the names of the current occupants of the Capitol and Congress.
Chattering has become a national pastime with the intrusion of the television set into every home no matter how humble. Now highly rewarded faces are placed before the admiring public and do perform in a most fluid manner, being able to glide from tragedy to joyful events without a break in continence, perhaps due to the use of Biotox to freeze their visage into a most pleasant smile regardless of the carnage being reported.
As my noble ancestor predicted, those who won their metals in war of another sort have now joined the army of tongues that are knowledgeable on each and ever subject know to Allah. Likewise those harry legged women who wear pink suits and other coverings have now permanent places in the assemblages and with their razor sharp tongues are quite capable of eviscerating the most gallant foe. Money helps.
And, the point make by beloved and revered Mustapha on response to emergencies, continues to this day. Sad to say the miller and his family are in no less danger than before, although they dress well, so much the better for their funeral. They will be mourned no less by the silver tongues who insist they were there to help in the time of need, but were unable to perform as they would surely have liked, if only they had had clearly written instructions on how to proceed and were even now, awaiting instructions from the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Too bad, the miller's children starved. But those in authority add a positive note; deer and other animals that the miller would surely have killed to feed his starving family are now increasing in number and are no longer on the endangered species list.
With voting now all the rage and with those who can make an x and put finger to a video screen in control of how the sweat of one's brow is to be dispensed amongst all, with the waggle-tongues only too happy to please, a new world rewards those of the so called under-class (assisted by trial lawyers, for sure), in what now is called the mo-bo-lo-go crazy. In the current spirit of things, Hollywood rules.
Mustapha VI
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Salmagundi - A mixture of minced veal, chicken, or turkey, anchovies, or pickled herrings, and onions, all chopped together, and served with lemon juice and oil. The word appeared in the 17th century; its origin is unknown, but fable has it that it was the name of Marie de Medici, wife of Henri IV of France, who either invented or popularized the dish. (The Reader's Encyclopedia, William Rose Benet editor, Crowell Company, New York.)
Washington Irving wrote a series of satires of New York life which appeared as the Salmagundi Papers in 1807-1808. Salmagundi, Washington Irving, George Routledge & Co. Soho Square, 150, pp 65.
Mobocracy from the late 1700's where the mob ruled, followed by logocracy from Washington Irving's pen, now combined to yield the current Mo-bo-lo-go-crazy to describe current conditions in Washington D. C.
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