Men vs. Women

Wisdom of the Ages: Take 1

Age and Womanhood

  1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
  2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
  3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
  4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
  5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?

Age and Manhood

  1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
  2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
  3. Over 47: Try weakly

Wisdom of the Ages: Take 2

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran,developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. She is completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. She is very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. She is ery wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia, With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape, but filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.

or

Between 15 and 70, a man is like Iraq. Ruled by a Dickhead.

Men's Answers to Women's Questions

1. Why are men such jerks?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?

Please....How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men....Men hunters....Need go roam....Starve in cave....Must go find wildebeest....Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?

Ho, Ho, Ho....Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. What's with all the belching and farting?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. Why do men hate shopping?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err....buying?

Hairassment

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise, (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

Blow Job Etiquette

A Woman's Take on the Subject

  1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it.
  2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard practice to cum on someone's face.
  4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.
  5. My ears are NOT handles.
  6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through your head: I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel particular obligated to blow you. You just can't have sex right now.
  9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
  10. If I have to stop to remove a public hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've "wrecked" it for you.
  11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after is HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
  12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above about gratitude.
  13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit about the protein content.
  14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
  15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to sympathize OR brag.
  16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

  1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.
  6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.
  7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.
  8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)
  9. Play with the balls.
  10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
  11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.
  12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
  13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

Boobons

Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force "breast gravity." It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men's eyes down to women's breasts.

"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. 'Check out the globes on her!' he said. That's when the idea hit me like a brick house."

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the "boobon." Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men's eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women's? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts? Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

Booty Call Agreement

  1. No sleeping over -- unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
  2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
  3. No calls before 9 PM -- we don't have shit to talk about.
  4. None of that "lovemaking" shit -- only mind-blowing sex allowed.
  5. No emotional discussions -- Ex.: Where are we heading with this? Do you love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
  6. No plans made in advance -- that is why you are called the "backup, "unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
  7. All gifts accepted -- money is always good.
  8. No baby talk -- however, dirty talk is encouraged.
  9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers -- it's really none of your damn business.
  10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" -- we are not friends, just sex buddies.
  11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK -- don't be offended.
  12. No extra clothing -- I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
  13. No falling asleep right after sex -- it's over, so get your as up and go home.
  14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it -- I don't care.
  15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
  16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
  17. Doggie style preferred -- just hit it hard and right or get the hell out!
  18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't want look at you, just fuck you.
  19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME -- so don't keep calling.
  20. The most important one -- no condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.
  21. Bring your own drink -- I am not your liquor store.
  22. No phone use, please -- don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

Women's Breasts

What is the difference between women with small or large breasts?

Women with big breasts:

Women with little breasts:

Cats and Dogs

What Is A Cat?

  1. Cats do what they want.
  2. They rarely listen to you.
  3. They're totally unpredictable.
  4. They whine when they are not happy.
  5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  8. They're moody.
  9. They leave hair everywhere.
  10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What Is A Dog?

  1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
  2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you're in the same room.
  3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
  4. They growl when they are not happy.
  5. When you want to play, they want to play.
  6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  7. They are great at begging.
  8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
  9. They leave their toys everywhere.
  10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.

Chain Letter for Men

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off and, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

P.S: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

Communication between Men and Women

Women's English

Yes No
No Yes.
Maybe No.
I'm sorry You'll be sorry...
We need I want.
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk I need to complain.
Sure go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have to learn to communicate Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, you're dead,]

Men's English

I'm hungry I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy I'm sleepy.
I'm tired I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored Do you want to have sex?
I love you Let's have sex now!
I love you, too Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair I liked it better before.
Let's talk I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it to him again and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his friends to play golf; or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment/house or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "after play?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This may include lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich, bringing him a few beers or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Courses for Men

Training Courses Now Available for Men

  1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
  2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
  3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
  4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
  5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
  6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
  7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
  8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
  9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
  10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
  11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
  12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
  13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
  14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
  15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
  16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
  17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
  18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
  19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
  20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
  21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
  22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
  23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
  24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
  25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
  26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
  27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
  28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
  29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Courses for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait [...] training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

  1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
  2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
  3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
  4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
  5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
  6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
  7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
  8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
  9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
  11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
  12. Introduction to Parking
  13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
  14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
  15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
  16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
  17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
  18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
  19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem [...] Not His
  20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
  21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
  22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
  23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
  24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
  25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

More Courses for Women

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:

General Education:

Home Economics:

Interpersonal Relationships:

Sex Education:

Driving Men/Women Crazy

Men

Women

Consumer Reports on Girlfriends

Well it's been almost 30 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at Consumer Union (CU) decided another report was needed.

As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the sales- man will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table

Your age Used or New
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)

Notes

A
Seek psychiatric help
B
Only "new" if income $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering vs. On-The-Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Categories (followed by our comments on each)

Goddess

This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law

This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right

The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long- term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe

This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend

The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

Yeah, Her

The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

7 Degrees of Blondness

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the side walk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hm, this person looks familiar."The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry She opens her purse to take out the gun and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe....push...."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, colouring to en- hance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, colouring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Discoveries and Inventions

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colours, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that.

Why It Didn't Last

She married him because he was such a "strong man."
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."

Men are from GM, Women are from Ford

Taken from the liner notes to Men are from GM, Women are from Ford: Car Talk calls about Couples and Cars.

Tom and Ray's Wives Rules for Making a Relationship Last Forever:

  1. Remember, above all, to be friends.
  2. Always have something good to say about your partner.
  3. Always be honest with your partner about your feelings (except when they conflict with rule #2).
  4. Make "private time" for you and your partner every week, and use that time to communicate.
  5. When in doubt, try to be a "saint", and expect your partner to do the same.
  6. Apologize when you're wrong, and never let your ego get in the way of the relationship.
  7. Never be vicious, always let your partner save face.
  8. Be a good listener, and be emphathetic.
  9. Do your fair share of everything in the relationship.
  10. Don't forget to laugh.

Tom and Ray's Rules for Making a Relationship Last Forever (for seem like it's been forever):

  1. Never say anything nasty about your partner where she's likely to hear it (like on National Public Radio).
  2. Never lie, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it.
  3. Remember, communication is overrated. After 20 years of marriage, haven't you said everything?
  4. Learn to recognize periods of stress in your partner's life. Those are excellent times for sneaking something by (him or) her.
  5. Always have a variety of clever ways to get your partner to admit she's wrong.
  6. Try not to fall asleep while your wife is spilling her guts to you. And a corollary: Don't schedule private time in public places where scantily clad women will be sure to distract you.
  7. Never tell your wife what car to buy. You'll hear about every little thing that goes wrong, and she'll eventually get nack at you by buying a Mercedes.
  8. Don't ever let your wife know how little you actually do at work. You'll lose many a valuable excuses that way.
  9. Pick household chores that uou are incompetent at, so they will be taken away from you quickly.
  10. Never, ever relinquish, control of the TV remote.

Rules of Bedroom Golf

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
  2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
  4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. Object to the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
  7. It's considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage player's equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
  10. Players should not assume the course is in shape to play at all times. Player may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
  11. Players should be sure that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered to be a private course.
  12. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the back side.
  13. Slow play is encouraged, however, player should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
  14. It's considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Happy Golfing.

100 reasons why it's great to be a guy

  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  8. You can open all your own jars.
  9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
  10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
  11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
  12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
  13. All your orgasms are real.
  14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
  15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you-except during hockey games.
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
  17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  19. Your last name stays put.
  20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
  22. You can kill your own food.
  23. The garage is all yours.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
  26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
  27. You never have to clean the toilet.
  28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
  32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
  37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
  38. You can write your name in the snow.
  39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
  40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  41. Chocolate is just another snack.
  42. You can be president.
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  44. Flowers fix everything.
  45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
  48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
  50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  51. Foreplay is optional.
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
  60. The world is your urinal.
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  64. One mood, all the time.
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
  66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
  68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
  69. Same work....more pay.
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
  72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
  73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
  77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
  78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
  79. ESPN's sports center.
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
  84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
  88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
  93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
  97. Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
  99. Baywatch
  100. There is always a game on somewhere.

Honeymoon of an Electronics Engineer

Dear Mother,

I am writing to inform you of how much I enjoyed my Wireless Honeymoon. As soon as we arrived at our hotel, he insisted on seeing my receiving set, and naturally I agreed, for now he has a licence.

He soon had my set uncovered and spend some time examining it carefully. My two large condens- ers pleased him immediately and he was soon manipulating them with the ease of an expert.

Obviously satisfied that my socket was in order, he got his aerial and had it erected, I was pleased to see that his twin accumulators were fully charged. He had quite a job getting his aerial filtered at first as he had it insulated with rubber. I suggested taking the rubber off to ensure complete contact, and having done so he plugged in again and turning his knob, a perfect contact was made inside my set.

He was careful at first as he played due to the resistance of my new receiver but soon the high tension increased and his aerial began to oscillate. My receiver warmed up and the signal to cover through.

He manipulated the condensers again and extended the volume. Suddenly, I noted the atmosphere on my set and without warning massive fluid came through and fortunately the action caused his aerial to sag and his accumulators were run down. So,he was obliged to disconnect.

It seemed pity that our evening's entertainment had to be curtailed, but as he said my receiver would become adjusted to his aerial once he had learnt to control the high tension, perfect reception could be ensured over a long period. He said he was surprised to find my receiver new as he was under the impression that it had been in use with some other aerials.

I should like to have a longer aerial, for I feel sure if he could get an inch or more longer, we would have enough volume to get a loud speaker. He agreed with me but he thought regular use should stretch it sufficiently.

Well, Mother, I shall have to close now as he has been doing my condensers while I have been writing. He has already uncovered my receiver and his aerial is erected and I cannot write very well once he had got it plugged in.

I will write to you tomorrow and let you know what reception is like tonight. He did say that he is going to try my receiver in a different position.

Your loving daughter,

Insider's Guide to Male Vocabulary

Haven't I seen you before?
Nice ass.
I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.
I need you.
My hand is tired.
I am different from all the other guys.
I am not circumcised.
I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.
You're the only girl I've ever cared about.
You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
She's kinda cute.
I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.
I don't know if I like her.
She won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much.
I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.
Was it good for you?
I'm insecure about my manhood.
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?
Is my penis really that small?
I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?
Do you love me?
I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
How much do you love me?
I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.
I have something to tell you.
Get tested.
I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.
I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!

Island Tales

There are nine beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 American men and 1 American woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred.

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to properly introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo on their wristband "Faxi-Mon" and are still waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex with the ravishing tempremental redhed is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide as they listen to the American woman bitching about how sex is always unsatisfying, on the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do only better, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how all men except her father are pigs, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how her last boyfriend, even though he was a pig, respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, at least before he committed suicide.

But, on the American island, at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

Women's Compact Instruction Book

My Jaded Valentine

If the rules of romance were taken as seriously as rules of law, 99 percent of new lovers would be pursuing fraud claims against their partners. Why? Because with everyone on their best behavior in the early stages of a relationship, what we see is seldom what we get. Protect your legal and emotional rights. Enter into relationships with open eyes and informed consent. Require all suitors to execute the Truth-In-Loving Disclosure Statement, as follows:

I, the undersigned paramour, hereby agree to abide by the time-honored romantic tradition of completely misrepresenting who I am at the beginning of our relationship, to be increasingly candid in the middle stages, and to finally reveal my stunning array of character defects, true beliefs, and annoying quirks at the end. This agreement shall be fully implemented within six months, being the estimated time it will take for our eternal, undying love to change to bitter resentment.

  1. Ridiculously early in our relationship, I covenant to begin calling you my soul mate, even though neither I nor my 29 previous soul mates have any clue what that word means.
  2. When asked why my prior relationships didn't work out, I shall state, "We had different goals," failing to mention that one of mine is to sabotage all relationships.
  3. I will tell you that I love all the little things you do, when in fact, I hate all the little things you do, especially the way you (choose one or more): talk incessantly, squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle, sneak up on me with a flashlight.
  4. Men: I shall misrepresent that I love to cook, have deep soul-searching talks, and especially dance. Women: I shall misrepresent that I have a deep interest in the standings, statistical leaders, and weekly injury reports for all major sports.
  5. I will insist with a straight face that I never want to try to change you, even as my list of suggestions for improving your appearance, personality, and lifestyle approaches the 10,000 mark.
  6. I shall pretend to find it cute how your cat climbs all over me while I'm sucking on an asthma inhaler at the same time that your dog is attempting to have intimate relations with my leg.
  7. We shall talk on the phone at the following frequency:
    First month: five times per day;
    Second month: three times per day;
    Third and fourth months: once per day;
    Fifth month: when I need a ride;
    Sixth month: when I forget to check my Caller ID.
  8. In the second month, I agree to begin combining the words "committed" and "you" in the same sentence, provided I will not add "mental institution" to such sentence until the fifth month.
  9. In months one and two, we shall engage in frequent, excessive public displays of affection. During months three to five, such displays shall decline in direct proportion to number of syllables we utter to each other while dining out. In month six, excessive displays shall resume, but only with persons not party to this agreement.
  10. I will see only the good in your numerous negative qualities until the sixth month, at which point I will come to the startling realization that your playfulness is really immaturity, your caring is codependence, and your confidence is narcissism.

Dos and Don'ts of Jerking Off

The Joy of Being Male

Are You One of the Lads?

  1. When you are reaching your sexual climax, do you:
    1. make low moaning sounds in her ear
    2. suck on her neck giving her a love-bite
    3. shove your fucking thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off
  2. You are in bed at night and she whispers she loves you, do you:
    1. whisper back, 'I love you darling'
    2. put your arse on her leg and fart
    3. say 'go to fucking sleep, arse breath'
  3. After you have made love to your wife, do you:
    1. hold her in your arms until she falls asleep
    2. wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over
    3. tell the bitch to get in with the kids
  4. If you break wind during the night, do you:
    1. try to cough at the same time and hope she's asleep
    2. hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off
    3. blame her and give her a fore leg kick
  5. If she breaks wind in bed, do you:
    1. be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear
    2. clout the bitch
    3. say 'You dirty bitch' and shove her into the garage
  6. If she tells you she is going to have an unwanted baby, do you:
    1. tell her not to worry, you will manage somehow
    2. belt her in the stomach with a baseball bat
    3. bide your time, you can shove her down the stairs (accidently) whenever you fancy
  7. If you came home early and found her in bed with a negro, would you:
    1. close the door quietly and tiptoe outside again
    2. stick it up the coon's arse and join in
    3. dowse them both in petrol and set them both alight
  8. Your toilets in the bathroom and your bursting for a crap but the wife's in the bath, do you:
    1. go next door and use theirs
    2. yell in 'Hurry up goatface your tortoise is sticking its fucking head out of its shell'
    3. sit next to her and make a noise like a flock of starlings taking off
  9. You want sex with your wife but it's her period week, do you:
    1. wait until it is finished
    2. lie on your back and put your arm underneath it and wait until it's numb, then wank so that it is like somebody else doing it
    3. get your face in there and come up looking like one of those men in the ribena advert
  10. She says she is leaving you for good, do you:
    1. break down in tears and ask her to stay
    2. put up streamers and arrange a party
    3. empty your nostrils on her face, kick her in the cunt then get pissed as fuck to celebrate

Love, Lust, Marriage

LOVE: when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE: when intercourse is called making love.
LUST: all other times.
MARRIAGE: what's intercourse?

LOVE: when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: when you argue over money.

LOVE: when you share everything you own.
LUST: when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE: when the bank owns everything.

LOVE: when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST: when the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE: what's a climax?

LOVE: when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST: when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE: when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE: when you write poems about your partner.
LUST: when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: when all you write is cheques.

LOVE: when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST: when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE: when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE: when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST: when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE: when your farewell is silent.

LOVE: when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE: when you never see each other awake.

LOVE: when your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST: when your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE: when your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE: when nobody else matters.
LUST: when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE: when you never listen to music.

LOVE: when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST: when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE: when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE: when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST: when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE: when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street
  Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
  Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
  Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
  Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
  Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
  Marriage is a long, hot ride

Love is losing your appetite
  Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
  Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
  Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
  Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

Girls are Evil: A Lesson in Logic

Proof that Girls are Evil

First we state that girls require time and money:

Girls = Time x Money

And as we all know, "time is money:

Time = Money

Therefore:

Girls = Money x Money = (Money)^2

And because "money is the root of all evil":

Money = sqrt(Evil)

Therefore:

Girls = (sqrt(Evil))^2

And we are forced to conclude that:

Girls = Evil

Love Explained

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too. [ Andrew, age 6]

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. [ Mae, age 9]

I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. [ Manuel, age 8]

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. [ John, age 9]

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it.It takes too long. [ Glenn, age 7]

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. [ Anita C., age 8]

It isn't always just how you look.Look at me.I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. [ Brian, age 7]

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. [ Christine, age 9]

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too. [ Greg, age 8]

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much. [ Arnold, age 10]

All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark. [ Sherm, age 8]

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. [ Gavin, age 8]

They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing. [ John, age 9]

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television. [ Jill, age 6]

Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime. [ Floyd, age 9]

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. [ Dave, age 8]

I'm not rushing into being in love.I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. [ Regina, age 10]

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

Sensitivity don't hurt. [ Robbie, age 8]

One of you should know how to write a check.Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. [ Ava, age 8]

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. [ Del, age 6]

Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there. [ Manuel, age 8]

Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers.You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. [ Alonzo, age 9]

One way is to take the girl out to eat.Make sure it's something she likes to eat.French fries usually works for me. [ Bart, age 9]

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. [ Bobby, age 9]

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold ... Other people care more about the food. [ Bart, age 9]

Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. [ Sarah, age 9]

See if the man has lipstick on his face. [ Sandra, age 7]

It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire. [ Christine, age 9]

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?' [ Arnold, age 10]

'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.' [ Larry, age 8]

'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!' [ Eddie, age 6]

'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.' [ Bob, age 9]

'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!' [ Will, age 7]

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him.But I hope he showers at least once a day. [ Michelle, age 9]

Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat. [ Dick, age 7]

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses. [ Gina, age 8]

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. [ Julia, age 7]

You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. [ Brian, age 7]

It might help to watch soap operas all day. [ Carin, age 9]

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. [ Pam, age 7]

It's never okay to kiss a boy.They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it. [ Tammy, age 10]

If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime.But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission. [ Roger, age 6]

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. [ Dick, age 7]

Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love. [ Erin, age 8]

Be a good kisser.It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. [ Dave, age 8]

Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch. [ Natalie, age 9]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. [Alan, age 10].

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. [Kirsten, age 10]

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. [Camille, age 10]

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. [Freddie, age 6]

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. [Derrick, age 8]

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. [Lori, age 8]

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. [Lynnette, age 8]

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. [Martin, age 10]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. [Craig, age 9]

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. [Pam, age 7]

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. [Curt, age 7]

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. [Howard, age 8]

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. [Anita, age 9]

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? [Kelvin, age 8]

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. [Ricky, age 10]

What is Love

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." [Rebecca, age 8]
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." [Billy, age 4]
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." [Karl, age 5]
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." [Chrissy, age 6]
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." [Samantha, age 6]
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." [Terri, age 4]
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." [Danny, age 7]
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." [Emily, age 8]
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." [Bobby, age 5]
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." [Nikka, age 6]
"Love is hugging, Love is kissing, Love is saying no" [Patty, age 8]
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more." [Matthew, age 7
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." [Jenny, age 4]
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." [Noelle, age 7]
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." [Tommy, age 6]
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." [Cindy, age 8]
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." [Clare, age 5]
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." [Elaine, age 5]
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." [Chris, age 8]
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." [Mary Ann, age 4]
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." [Lauren, age 4]
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." [Bethany, age 4]
"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying." [Mike, age 8]
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." [Karen, age 7]
"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." [Mark, age 6]
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." [Jessica, age 8]
"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way." [Charlie, age 5]

Arranged Marriages

Ever since I turned 30, my mom's vocabulary seems to have gradually shrunk. It now consists of only about five words, usually arranged to form this question: "When are you getting married?"

If I had a nickel for every time I've heard the question, I'd be able to afford a mail-order bride. Maybe even one who can speak English.

My mom and others ask the marriage question so often, I'm tempted to tattoo the answer on my forehead: "I'm a journalist, not a psychic."

But if I did that, my mom and I would never talk. She'd just look at my forehead and shake her head. And her expression would say: "Where did I go wrong with this child?"

Sometimes, just for fun, I feel like scaring my mom by saying I won't get married until one of these things happen:

It's not that I don't believe in marriage. I just believe it should involve two people who love each other so much, they're willing to risk living together.

It's certainly a big risk. If the marriage goes sour, you can lose some of your most prized possessions. Just ask John Bobbitt.

But I could be wrong about the importance of love. After all, millions of people in my native country, India, believe in arranged marriages, even though such marriages sometimes produce children like me.

The families of the bride and groom usually do the arranging, uniting two people who hardly know each other. The honeymoon is like a first date, except you're certain to get past first base. To many Americans, an arranged marriage may seem more like a deranged marriage. But such marriages tend to last. Divorces in India are as rare as hamburger joints.

Like me, most Americans believe in falling in love before marriage. Many even believe in falling in bed before marriage. The only mystery left for the honeymoon is whether the hotel accepts American Express.

Considering the soaring divorce rate, such marriages are more suspect than O.J. Simpson.

So maybe David Weinlick has the right idea. About four years ago, the Minnesota man got tired of people asking when he was going to get married. So he just gave them a stock answer: June 13, 1998. He even planned the entire wedding, the first man ever to do so. But an essential part of the wedding was missing.

No, not the wine -- the bride. Weinlick, 28, decided to let his friends pick his bride, after they interviewed a couple of dozen women in several states, including the state of desperation. He married the bride-elect, Elizabeth Runze, before 2,000 shoppers at the Mall of America. And he was all smiles afterward. That could mean the wedding was a big success, or perhaps Weinlick had been licking too much wine.

Melvin Durai

Marriage Definitions

Bachelor
  1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
  2. A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
  3. A man who never makes the same mistake once.
  4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
  5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
  6. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Cad
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
Compromise
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
Diplomat
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
Gentleman
  1. A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
  2. A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
Housework
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
Husband
  1. A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
  2. A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
Joint checking account
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
Love
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Miss
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Mistress
Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-law
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mrs.
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Spouse
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Wife
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Take 1

The Difference

Women have more imagination than men do. They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

The Workplace

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.

Relationships

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Love

Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.

The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.

To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men

If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. Women have two weapons: cosmetics and tears. Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: Take 2

From Matt Groening.

MATURITY

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why most high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING

To their credit, men do not decorate their penman- ship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and dot their "i"'s with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p"'s and "g"'s. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited: they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. Women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom ; toothpaste, a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less checkout lane.

SHOES

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day long.

GOING OUT

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out NOW. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup [...]

CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking [...] men kick cats.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh,gee. That must have hurt. " A man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to; go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for; weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.

WEDDINGS

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about " the bachelor party".

SOCKS

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But, if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT

When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit to wanting change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface; mirrors, spoons,store windows, bald men's heads [...]

THE TELEPHONE

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can go visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS

If a woman is out driving. and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man to admit a mistake was General George Custer.

TOYS

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys; little miniature TV's . Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers, Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" cell batteries to operate.

PLANTS

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS

Men take photography seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course. women always end up taking better pictures.

GARAGES

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawn mowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

SPORTS ARENAS

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION

Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For example:

"Wow ! What a great movie!"

"What are you, nuts??!! No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

"Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys [...]"

etc. Women, not having this problem attempt to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable:

"That garden by the roadside looks lovely."

"Mm-hmm." [Pause.]

"That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." [Pause.]

And so on.

FRIENDS

Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.

Male Answer Syndrome

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as display behavior in order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally try to appear more impressive than they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:

Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting that you mention that [...]," he will begin, and then he will come up with something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.

This behavior-the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual knowledge is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They prefer, "That's not what's important here."

They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did Madonna go on the David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly, acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories (she has the same agent? overdose of Prozac). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.

But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said. "They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.

Later in life women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking about.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.

Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious facts.

Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company, gaping at the news that the earth is round.

MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And how MAS developed: Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting elaborate theories about football.

Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moratorium on all male-female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.

Are you a Real Man?

Taken from Dave Barry's Guide to Guys.

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Know this, and you will have come far in understanding them and enriching your own life.

  1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
    1. Present it to the President of the United States.
    2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
    3. Take it apart.
  2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
    1. Innocence.
    2. Idealism.
    3. Cherry bombs.
  3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
    1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    2. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips).
    3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
  4. What about hugging another male?
    1. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
    2. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
    3. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
      • He is legally within the base path;
      • Both of you are wearing sufficient protection;
      • You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
  5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
    1. A cat.
    2. A dog.
    3. A dog that eats cats.
  6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
    1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
    2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    3. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
  7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to share with her all of the joys and sorrows that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
    1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    3. Tell her what?
  8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
    1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    2. "They're in school already?"
    3. "There are three of them?"
  9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    1. When it has turned the colourr of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, but this might be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
  10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    1. He was being tested.
    2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    3. He refused to ask for directions.
  11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    1. Democracy.
    2. Religion.
    3. Remote control.

What Men Really Mean When They Say

"I'm going fishing.
I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.
"Let's take your car."
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

Harsh Things to Say to a Naked Guy

  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
  3. Why don't we just cuddle?
  4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  5. Make it dance.
  6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
  7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  10. Oh no [...] a flash headache.
  11. (giggle and point)
  12. Can I be honest with you?
  13. How sweet, you brought incense.
  14. This explains your car.
  15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  16. Why is God punishing me?
  17. At least this won't take long.
  18. I never saw one like that before.
  19. But it still works, right?
  20. It looks so unused.
  21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  23. Are you cold?
  24. If you get me real drunk first.
  25. Is that an optical illusion?
  26. What is that?
  27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  28. Does it come with an air pump?
  29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Why a Man Cannot Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..if you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

In Praise of Older Women

In praise of older women (which in our society means over 35):

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think, if you think at all.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets [...] which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know!

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas.

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends [...] and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

Politically Correct Terms for Women

She is not a BABE or a CHICK.
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER.
She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY.
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT.
She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB.
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND.
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED.
She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY.
She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY.
She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD.
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY.
She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY.
She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU.
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT.
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS.
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE.
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Penis Salary Increase Request

The Request

I, The penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

Response from the Administration

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your raise request for the following reasons:

The Perfect Attitude for the Perfect Woman

  1. I'll swallow it all [...] I love the taste.
  2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
  3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
  4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
  5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
  6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
  7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
  8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
  9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
  10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
  11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
  12. I'll be out painting the house.
  13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays too.
  14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
  15. I know it is a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
  16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
  17. Your mother is way better than mine.
  18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy new clubs.
  19. I understand fully [...] our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
  20. On come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a box of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
  21. Oh come on, not the damn mall again. Let's go to that new strip joint!
  22. Listen, I make enough money for both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
  23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
  24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
  25. I signed up for yoya so I can get my ankles behind my head just for you.

Jewish Personals

ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB74.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

37 Rude and Crude Pick-up Lines

  1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
  2. Nice legs....what time do they open?
  3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
  4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
  5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  6. I may not be the best looking guy in here but I'm the only one talking to you.
  7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
  8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
  9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
  10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
  11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
  12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
  13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
  14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
  15. Are those real?
  16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
  17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
  18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
  20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
  21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
  22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
  23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
  24. My name is (name)....remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
  25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
  26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
  27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
  28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
  29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
  30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
  31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
  32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
  33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover....you shouldn't go home without me.
  34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
  35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
  36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
  37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

40 Correct Ways to Please Men

  1. MILKING IT
    When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty,and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
  2. LETHAL WEAPONS
    A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
  3. ROBOTS
    When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
  4. SILENT FRIGHT
    If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
  5. PHONE TURN-Off
    Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
  6. NO LAUGHING MATTER
    Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
  7. CLOSING UP
    If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
  8. POOR PRESENTATION
    Presentation is all important.Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
  9. HANGING AROUND
    When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out Thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
  10. BEING SHY
    Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
  11. BEING A DRIP
    You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
  12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE
    Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds, so what chance have you got?
  13. CLOCK-WATCHING
    Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
  14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS
    Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
  15. PLAYING DEAD
    Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
  16. BEING POSSESSIVE
    If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
  17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON
    Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
  18. SPITTING IT OUT
    When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
  19. INGRATITUDE
    Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if
    1. sex has lasted more than five minutes, and/or
    2. you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
  20. SEEKING FAVOURS
    Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
  21. BED-RIDDEN
    Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
  22. SHARING NOT CARING
    Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
  23. BEING NAKED
    Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent ass but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
  24. TOO BRIGHT
    If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
  25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1)
    Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
  26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2)
    Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
  27. KEEPING HIM WAITING
    Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
  28. TOOTH ACHE
    When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
  29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE
    If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
  30. TWO DIMENSIONAL
    It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
  31. CAMERA SHY
    If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
  32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS
    While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
  33. OBSESSIVE
    The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
  34. PERIOD PAIN (1)
    It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
  35. PERIOD PAIN (2)
    Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
  36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF)
    Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.
  37. WAKE-UP CALLER
    Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
  38. COVER UP
    If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
  39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING
    Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
  40. TV SINNER
    The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.

How to please a Woman/Man

To please a woman, all you have to do is to be:

  1. a friend
  2. a companion
  3. a lover
  4. a brother
  5. a father figure
  6. a teacher
  7. an educator
  8. a cook
  9. a gardener
  10. a carpenter
  11. a driver
  12. an engineer
  13. a mechanic
  14. an interior decorator
  15. a stylist
  16. a sex therapist
  17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
  18. a psychologist
  19. a psychiatrist
  20. a therapist
  21. a good father
  22. a gentleman
  23. well organized
  24. tidy
  25. very clean
  26. athletic
  27. affectionate
  28. affable
  29. attentive
  30. ambitious
  31. amenable
  32. articulate
  33. bold
  34. brave
  35. creative
  36. courageous
  37. complimentary
  38. capable
  39. decisive
  40. intelligent
  41. imaginative
  42. interesting
  43. prudent
  44. patient
  45. polite
  46. passionate
  47. respectful
  48. sweet
  49. strong
  50. skilful
  51. supportive
  52. sympathetic
  53. tolerant
  54. understanding
  55. someone who loves shopping
  56. someone who doesn't make problems
  57. someone who never looks at other women
  58. very rich

At the same time, you must pay attention to make sure you:

  1. are neither jealous nor disinterested
  2. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her
  3. give her her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes

Above all it is very important to:

  1. Not forget the dates of:

However, even if you observe the above instructions perfectly, you are not 100% guaranteed that she will be happy, as she could one day feel overcome with the suffocating perfection of her life with you and run off with the first wild bastard-bohemian-drunk-bon viveur she meets...

To please a man:

  1. Let him play with your tits

Pre-nuptial Contract

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:

  1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
    1. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
    2. I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
  2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
  3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.
    1. I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
    2. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
  4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
    1. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
  5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
    1. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
    2. I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
    3. I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
    4. I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body and will always love your *weekend* beard...
  6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".
  7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
    1. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

5 Questions that Men Dread

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat in this?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question# 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

  1. Football.
  2. Golf.
  3. How fat you are.
  4. How much prettier she is than you
  5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question# 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

  1. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  3. That depends on what you mean by love.
  4. Does it matter?
  5. Who, me?

Question# 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

  1. Compared to what?
  2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I've seen fatter.
  5. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

  1. Yes, but you have a better personality
  2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
  4. Define pretty
  5. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (makes audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
MAN: shit.

Personal Safety Reality-Check Test

Grading the Exam

Top 10 Rejection Lines

Top 10 Rejection Lines given by Women

  1. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)
  2. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
  3. I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
  4. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
  5. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
  6. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
  7. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
  8. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
  9. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
  10. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

Top 10 Rejection Lines given by Men

  1. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
  2. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
  3. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
  4. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
  5. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
  6. I don't date women where I work.) (You're ugly.)
  7. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
  8. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
  9. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
  10. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Romance Scoring

In the world of Romance, one single rule applies: Make "the woman" happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings +5
But return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say,"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" -6
That woman is her sister -90
You have one drink, and that's it 0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted -18
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den +15
Or refinishing the floors +16
Or rewiring the basement +17
Or adding a second floor +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you're tickled pink about it -15
You visit her parents 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear -6
And you didn't even go to college -10
And it's not your underwear -15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player,get up and sing +4
If you stink +2
If you're not half bad +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance -10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day -10
With her credit card -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big -40
And whatever you bought is two sizes too small -70
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely -20
You forget your anniversary -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station -45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey -50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast -60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
You have a few beers -9
And miss curfew by an hour -12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call -20
You get home at 3 am -30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars -40
And not wearing any pants -50
Is that a tattoo?? -200
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends and she comes home late +10
You wait up +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed +20
A Night At Home
You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself +30
And she contracts Lyme disease -25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -5
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she can't use -10
Such a a motorized model airplane -20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday -40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal -25
You know them -60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 mins without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20

The Rules in a Relationship

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

  1. The female always makes the rules.
  2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
  3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
  4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
  5. The female is never wrong.
  6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
  7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
  10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
  13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
  14. The female always gets the last word!

These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

Rules Men Wish Women Knew

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!

Schedules

A Woman's Schedule

  1. Get up.
  2. Pee.
  3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
  4. Pee.
  5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the middle.
  6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
  7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
  8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
  9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
  10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and pee.
  11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of giving him head, go and pee.

A Man's Schedule

  1. Get up.
  2. Pass gas.
  3. Drink cup of black coffee.
  4. Pass gas.
  5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
  6. Pass gas.
  7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
  8. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car.
  9. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
  10. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas.
  11. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
  12. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep.
  13. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.

The Secrets of Women's Language

A must-read for any man.

"Fine"
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of *those* arguments.
"Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
[Loud Sigh]
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
[Soft Sigh]
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
"Thanks"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.

Things to NOT Say During Sex

  1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  2. You woke me up for that?
  3. Did I mention the video camera?
  4. Do you smell something burning?
  5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead.
  6. Try breathing through your nose.
  7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
  10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
  11. Person 1: This is your first time, right? Person 2: Yeah, today.
  12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
  13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
  14. Do you accept Visa?
  15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
  16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
  17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
  18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
  19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
  20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober.
  21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
  22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
  23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
  24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
  25. Got any penicillin?
  26. But I just brushed my teeth.
  27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
  28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
  29. I want a baby!
  30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
  31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
  32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
  33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
  34. I think you have it on backwards.
  35. When is this supposed to feel good?
  36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
  37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
  38. Is that blood on the headboard?
  39. Did I remember to take my pill?
  40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
  41. I wish we got the Playboy channel.
  42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
  43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
  44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
  45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
  46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
  47. No, really. I do this part better myself!
  48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
  49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
  50. You're almost as good as my ex!
  51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
  52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
  53. You look younger than you feel.
  54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
  55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
  56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
  57. Now I know why he/she dumped you.
  58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
  59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
  60. What tampon?
  61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
  62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
  63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
  64. I have a confession [...]
  65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
  66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
  67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
  68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
  69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
  70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
  71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
  72. Did you come yet, dear?
  73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.
  74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
  75. Does this count as a date?
  76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
  77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
  78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
  79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
  80. When would you like to meet my parents?
  81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like. Woman: Yourself?
  82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
  83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
  84. Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed.
  85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
  86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
  87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
  88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
  89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
  90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
  91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
  92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
  93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
  94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
  95. Is this a sin too?
  96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
  97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
  98. Long kisses clog my sinuses.
  99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise.
  100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
  101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Art thou a Shakespearean?

A high school English class was given the task of summarizing six Shakespearian plays. One student had summarized the six plays as follows:

  1. 3 inches
  2. 6 inches
  3. 12 inches
  4. wet
  5. dry
  6. abortion

The answers:

  1. Much Ado About Nothing
  2. As You Like It
  3. The Taming of the Shrew
  4. Midsummer Night's Dream
  5. The Twelfth Night
  6. Love's Labor Lost

How to Shower

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your partner along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine about how you're getting fat.

Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs.

Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your partner flushes the toilet and you lose the cold water.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray dirty spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit or blemish.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them In a pile on the floor.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your partner along the way, Shake penis at her making a "WooOOooOO" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see If you have pecs (no).

Admire your penis in the mirror and scratch your testicles. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Wash your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee in the shower.

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire penis again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your partner, pull off the towel, grab your penis, go "Yeah baby" and thrust out your pelvis at her.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Fart and go on about your day.

The Stages of Life

The Male stages of Life

Age Drink
17 Beer
25 Bourbon
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox
Age Seduction Line
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
Age Favorite Sport
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 A good bowel movement and a nap.
Age Definition of a Successful Date
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.
Age Favorite Fantasy
17 Getting to third base
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trios
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
Age What's the ideal age to get married?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
Age Ideal Date
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place
35 Just come over.
48 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
66 Just come over and cook.

The Female stages of Life

Age Drink
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniels with an Ensure chaser
Age Excuses for refusing dates
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
Age Favorite Sport
17 Shopping for cool clothes/first car
25 Shopping for wedding ring/baby clothes/station wagon
35 Shopping for a good divorce lawyer/minivan
48 Shopping for a better divorce lawyer/sports car
66 Shopping for a good laxative/a "Rascal"
Age Definition of a successful date
17 Burger King
25 Free meal at a fancy restaurant
35 A diamond
48 A bigger diamond
66 Home Alone
Age Favorite Fantasy
17 Tall, dark and handsome
25 Tall, dark and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man
Age What's the ideal age to get married?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
Age Ideal Date
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the grandkids
66 He can chew breakfast

Surefire Ways to Know You Are a Woman

  1. You are a Bitch.
  2. When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.
  3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.
  4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.
  5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'
  6. Whine.
  7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.
  8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.
  9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.
  10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.
  11. Complain.
  12. Hate any bar he likes.
  13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.
  14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).
  15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.
  16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
  17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.
  18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.
  19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

Sex Test for Dummies

Directions: Please complete the following problems. You may use a scratch piece of paper for your calculations which must be turned in with your exam. SHOW ALL WORK! Use only a #2 pencil. You have 20 minutes to complete the exam.

  1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. [True] or [False]
  2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. [True] or [False]
  3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. [True] or [False]
  4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. [True] or [False]
  5. The clitoris is a type of flower. [True] or [False]
  6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. [True] or [False]
  7. Semen is a term for sailors. [True] or [False]
  8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. [True] or [False]
  9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. [True] or [False]
  10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. [True] or [False]
  11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. [True] or [False]
  12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. [True] or [False]
  13. Coitus is a musical instrument. [True] or [False]
  14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. [True] or [False]
  15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. [True] or [False]
  16. A condom is a large apartment complex. [True] or [False]
  17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. [True] or [False]
  18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. [True] or [False]
  19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. [True] or [False]
  20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. [True] or [False]
  21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. [True] or [False]
  22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. [True] or [False]
  23. Pornography is the business of making records. [True] or [False]
  24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. [True] or [False]
  25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." [True] or [False]

Time's up! Put your pencil's down. Turn your results in to your significant other, so they know what they are dealing with.

Wedding Toast

You are the witness [best man], (they're not mad at you for that) and you must---it's a family tradition---come up with the traditional toast.

"Hell and Damnation!" you exclaim, knotting your tie and looking for your cufflinks. No, they're not in your left shoe, but on the top shelf in the medicine cabinet. Besides having to endure the torture to your neck, you wrack your brains (if you have any) trying to find something to say to them. I sympathize with you. To help you along, here are a few gimmicks.

With a little practice and memorization [...]

Good evening, everyone! It's a great pleasure for me to be here tonight to celebrate the marriage of ______ (insert here the bride's name) with my best friend _______(insert here the name of your former best friend)

After several weeks of arguments about the invitations and the layout of the hall, it's hard to believe it, but the Big Day has finally arrived. Looking around the room this evening, I cannot help but

As the witness [best man], I had the pleasure of meeting most of you for the first time this week. Seeing so many friends and members of the family gathered for this occasion, I realize

First of all, on behalf of the newlyweds, I would like to express my deepest gratitude and my best wishes to the parents

I know that this has been an evening charged with emotion. But remember, you are not losing a daughter, you

I know that this sounds like a cliche', but I can swear that she is one of the prettiest brides I've ever seen

For those who don't know it, I've been a friend of the groom since

We shared some amazing experiences together, but I'll never forget the day when

I think it's my responsibility to speak of his ex-blondes: I knew them all. I can say

As soon as I met the bride, I

There's a lot of talk tonight about when they will have a child. I can tell you that

Of course, my dear friend, I must stress the fact that from this day forward your sex life will never be the same, because

If I can give any advice, it's simply

(Lift your glass, wipe away a tear for effect): On behalf of all your friends present here tonight, let me be the first to say

And as you prepare for this long trip together through life, I have only three words for you:

To Women everywhere, from the Men who have had enough!

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  2. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us anymore---we refuse to answer.
  4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. And don't ask us what we ARE thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such subjects as belly button lint or monster trucks.
  5. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the tides: there's nothing you can do about it. And shopping isn't a sport, never was a sport and never will be a sport.
  6. When we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's get going already!
  7. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Most guys own just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be any good at choosing which of YOUR 30 pairs goes well with that dress?
  8. Crying is blackmail. Blackmail is cheating. Men don't like people who cheat. See #5.
  9. Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about it, just come right out and ask us. And by the way, the answer is probably "no".
  10. We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the calendar.
  11. Trust me on this, standing up while peeing makes it much harder to aim. We're bound to miss sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
  12. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
  13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we DO. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  14. A headache that recurs every night is a problem. See a doctor.
  15. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless there's fighting in it.
  16. Check your dang oil. And if your car makes a "funny noise", say something now---don't wait until it gets worse. And it ALWAYS gets worse.
  17. It is not in your best interest or ours to take that magazine quiz together. It doesn't matter which magazine or which quiz.
  18. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. Really.
  20. Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. As my old friend Rich used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an appetite, OK?
  21. You can either tell us to do something -or- tell us how to do something, but not both.
  22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  23. All men see in about 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colors into "pretty much white."
  24. When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
  25. Know how you feel about handbags? That's how we feel about beer.
  26. If we ask what's wrong, and you say 'nothing' we'll act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying---it's just not worth the hassle to dig it out of you. So if you have something to say, just SAY IT!
  27. If we've settled an argument, it's settled, OK? Don't start it all over again later. If it's NOT settled in YOUR mind, don't agree to the settlement the first time.

Why is the Internet like a Vagina?

  1. The more people use it the bigger it gets.
  2. If you play with it too much you can go blind.
  3. You wouldn't *believe* the things people put in there!
  4. Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface.
  5. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
  6. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
  7. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
  8. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
  9. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
  10. You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
  11. The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
  12. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
  13. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
  14. Some folks have it, some don't.
  15. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
  16. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
  17. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
  18. Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.
  19. Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.

What I Want in a Man

What I Want in a Man (original list)

  1. Handsome
  2. Charming
  3. Financially successful
  4. A caring listener
  5. Witty
  6. In good shape
  7. Dresses with style
  8. Appreciates finer things
  9. Full of thoughtful surprises
  10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

  1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
  2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
  3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
  4. Listens more than talks
  5. Laughs at my jokes
  6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
  7. Owns at least one tie
  8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
  9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
  10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

  1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
  2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
  4. Nods head when I'm talking
  5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
  6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
  8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
  9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
  10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

  1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
  2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  3. Doesn't borrow money too often
  4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
  5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
  6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
  7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
  9. Remembers your name on occasion
  10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

  1. Doesn't scare small children
  2. Remembers where bathroom is
  3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  4. Only snores lightly when asleep
  5. Remembers why he's laughing
  6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  7. Usually wears some clothes
  8. Likes soft foods
  9. Remembers where he left his teeth
  10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

  1. Breathing
  2. Doesn't miss the toilet

100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Woman

  1. We can get laid anytime we want
  2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
  3. We piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
  4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
  5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
  6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
  7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret
  8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
  9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
  10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is sleep with them
  11. Men light our cigarettes for us
  12. Men hold the door open for us
  13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
  14. We're cuter
  15. We lie better
  16. We're better manipulators
  17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch
  18. We always have food in the fridge
  19. We don't worry about losing our hair
  20. We always get to choose the movie
  21. We don't have to mow the lawn
  22. We don't have to take out the garbage
  23. We don't have to paint the house or walls
  24. PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men
  25. Cosmopolitan
  26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
  27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold
  28. PMS is a legal defence for murder
  29. Men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
  30. We can masturbate more in a day than men
  31. 2 words - multi orgasmic
  32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
  33. Sweat is sexy on us
  34. We never run out of excuses
  35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
  36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game too
  37. We get expensive jewellery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
  38. We get candy, flowers and jewellery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
  39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
  40. Women are cleaner
  41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know)
  42. We're better arguers
  43. We don't always have to think with our genitals
  44. Massage!!!!
  45. We're better parents
  46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
  47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
  48. We're flexible
  49. When women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can
  50. Menopause - thank god we're not capable of having children after we're fifty
  51. Menstruation - just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
  52. Men in uniform
  53. There is no penis envy
  54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy cleanup
  55. It generally takes us less to get drunk
  56. We have a higher tolerance to pain
  57. We often get to cut in line
  58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T
  59. Better tips
  60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
  61. We have mastered civilised eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
  62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank god for long pants and perfume!
  63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
  64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair
  65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
  66. Men will pay us for sex
  67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
  68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
  69. Men may fantasise about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
  70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
  71. Women sweat less
  72. Women smell better
  73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all
  74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
  75. Women don't get the humor in the three stooges
  76. Women have three accessible holes
  77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
  78. We're better gossips
  79. We have better fashion sense
  80. We're better shoppers
  81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
  82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
  83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)
  84. We're all sittin on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
  85. We don't have to drive when on a date
  86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just fucked
  87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
  88. Women know how to fake it
  89. Women look better naked
  90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
  91. When women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short
  92. Women do less time for violent crime
  93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
  94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
  95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
  96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
  97. Women never have to see combat
  98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
  99. Women are sexier
and the 100th reason its better to be a woman - this one is definitely worthy of reiteration:
  1. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

Women Explained?

10 Ways to know if you have "Estrogen Issues"

  1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
  2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
  3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
  4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
  5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
  6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
  7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
  8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
  9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
  10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Top Ten Things only Women Understand

  1. Cats' facial expressions.
  2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
  3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
  4. Fat clothes.
  5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
  6. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white and eggshell.
  7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
  8. Eyelash curlers.
  9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
  10. OTHER WOMEN

50 Ways Women Drive Men Crazy

[ Assorted Humor | Krishna Kunchithapadam ]

Last updated: Sun Jun 27 17:00:19 PDT 2004
URL: http://www.geocities.com/krishna_kunchith/humor/menwomen.html

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