Everything Else

Are You an Abuser?

Take this test and find out! How many of these apply to you?

  1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
  2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
  3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
  4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
  5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
  6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
  7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
  8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
  9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
  10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
  11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
  12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
  13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
  14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
  15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
  16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
  17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
  18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
  19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to four or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to seven or more indicates a serious problem.

Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.

Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.

HEREDITY

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.

OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS

Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.

PREVENTION

Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.

What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:

  1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
  2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who is this Count Vronsky?
  3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Introduce her to frat boys.
  4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:

Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.

AC/DC

To get a degree in Engineering all that is needed is the presence of mind.

Interviewer
Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Candidate
An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer
How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate
I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
Interviewer
How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate
I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer
How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate
Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer
Stop! Stop!
Candidate
rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer
How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate
By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer
"Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student
"See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
Examiner
"What is a step-up transformer?"
Student
"A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Examiner
"And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student
"Uh - A transformer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Examiner
"Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?" (student knows he is caught -- can't answer) "Well?"
Student
"A stepless transformer, sir!"

Amazing But True Facts

Top-5's completely made-up Amazing But True Facts.

  1. In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.
  2. The increased electricity used by modern appliances is causing a shift in the Earth's magnetic field. By the year 2327, the North Pole will be located in mid-Kansas, while the South Pole will be just off the coast of East Africa.
  3. The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant.
  4. Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises.
  5. Johnny Plessey batted .331 for the Cleveland Spiders in 1891, even though he spent the entire season batting with a rolled-up, lacquered copy of the Toledo Post-Dispatch.
  6. Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.
  7. The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.
  8. The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.
  9. The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and there's no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.
  10. Legislation passed during WWI making it illegal to say "gesundheit" to a sneezer was never repealed.
  11. Manatees possess vocal chords which give them the ability to speak like humans, but they don't do so because they have no ears with which to hear the sound.
  12. SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.
  13. Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.
  14. Replying more than 100 times to the same piece of spam e-mail will overwhelm the sender's system and interfere with their ability to send any more spam.
  15. Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.
  16. The first McDonald's restaurant opened for business in 1952 in Edinburgh, Scotland, and featured the McHaggis sandwich.
  17. The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.
  18. You *can* get blood from a stone, but only if contains at least 17 percent bauxite.
  19. Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.
  20. Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.
  21. The skin needed for elbow transplants must be taken from the scrotum of a cadaver.
  22. The sport of jai alai originated from a game played by Incan priests who held cats by their tails and swung at leather balls. The cats would instinctively grab at the ball with their claws, thus enabling players to catch them.
  23. A cat's purr has the same romance-enhancing frequency as the voice of singer Barry White.
  24. The typewriter was invented by Hungarian immigrant Qwert Yuiop, who left his "signature" on the keyboard.
  25. The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.
  26. King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe.
  27. Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.
  28. In 1843, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation.
  29. Touch-tone telephone keypads were originally planned to have buttons for Police and Fire Departments, but they were replaced with * and # when the project was cancelled in favor of developing the 911 system.
  30. Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.
  31. Calvin, of the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy.
  32. Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than watching a three-hour baseball game.
  33. Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels.
  34. You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.
  35. To human taste buds, Zima is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine.
  36. Seven out of every ten hockey-playing Canadians will lose a tooth during a game. For Canadians who don't play hockey, that figure drops to five out of ten.
  37. A dog's naked behind leaves absolutely no bacteria when pressed against carpet.
  38. A team of University of Virginia researchers released a study promoting the practice of picking one's nose, claiming that the health benefits of keeping nasal passages free from infectious blockages far outweigh the negative social connotations.
  39. Among items left behind at Osama bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of Mad Magazine. Al Qaeda members have admitted that bin Laden is reportedly an avid reader.
  40. Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.
  41. At the first World Cup championship in Uruguay, 1930, the soccer balls were actually monkey skulls wrapped in paper and leather.
  42. Every Labrador retriever dreams about bananas.
  43. If you put a bee in a film canister for two hours, it will go blind and leave behind its weight in honey.
  44. Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.
  45. Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs.
  46. Centuries ago, purchasing real estate often required having one or more limbs amputated in order to prevent the purchaser from running away to avoid repayment of the loan. Hence an expensive purchase was said to cost "an arm and a leg."
  47. When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five gold Krugerrands in his small intestine.
  48. Aardvarks are allergic to radishes, but only during the summer.
  49. Coca-Cola was the favored drink of Pharaoh Ramses. An inscription found in his tomb, when translated, was found to be almost identical to the recipe used today.
  50. If you part your hair on the right side, you were born to be carnivorous. If you part it on the left, your physical and psychological make-up is that of a vegetarian.
  51. When immersed in liquid, a dead sparrow will make a sound like a crying baby.
  52. In WWII the US military planned to airdrop over France propaganda in the form of Playboy magazine, with coded messages hidden in the models' turn-ons and turn-offs. The plan was scrapped because of a staple shortage due to rationing of metal.
  53. Although difficult, it's possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing together two Cool Ranch Doritos.
  54. Napoleon's favorite type of wood was knotty chestnut.
  55. The world's smartest pig, owned by a mathematics teacher in Madison, WI, memorized the multiplication tables up to 12.
  56. Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.
  57. In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.
  58. It is nearly three miles farther to fly from Amarillo, Texas to Louisville, Kentucky than it is to return from Louisville to Amarillo.
  59. The "nine lives" attributed to cats is probably due to their having nine primary whiskers.
  60. The original inspiration for Barbie dolls comes from dolls developed by German propagandists in the late 1930s to impress young girls with the ideal notions of Aryan features. The proportions for Barbie were actually based on those of Eva Braun.
  61. The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.

Are You American?

  1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
    1. Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away.
    2. Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision.
    3. Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
  2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
    1. A ball
    2. A ball and two coats
    3. A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armor, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.
  3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
    1. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.
    2. Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
    3. Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping, and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
  4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
    1. Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
    2. Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things..
    3. Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, while screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
  5. What do you have for breakfast?
    1. A bowl of Corn Flakes, slice of toast, and a mug of tea.
    2. Glass of orange juice, croissant, and a cup of coffee
    3. A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32-ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, 15 pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs, and a diet root beer.
  6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
    1. A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
    2. A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
    3. A minute-long mockery at a 24-hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
  7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
    1. Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
    2. Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports, or join a youth club.
    3. Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
  8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
    1. A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.
    2. A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show.
    3. A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
  9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
    1. Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
    2. Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again.
    3. Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife's ass.
  10. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
    1. Let them get on with it but offer your advice if needed.
    2. Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides.
    3. Ignore all parties' wishes and protests and take over the talks.
  11. There are global concerns about the emissions from cars, do you:
    1. Introduce incentives to switch to cleaner cars?
    2. Invent a new cleaner fuel?
    3. Continue to use and invent dirtier cars, ignoring the global concerns about the emissions?
  12. There is a war in another part of the world, do you:
    1. Monitor to see if human rights are being infringed upon and step in when necessary?
    2. Monitor to see if human rights are being infringed upon and bring the culprits to justice?
    3. Invade the country, flattening all buildings; fire at all allied and enemy airplanes, killing people no matter which side they're on - after all, a kill is a kill?
  13. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack. You should:
    1. Treat victims, clean up, and find those responsible.
    2. Treat victims, clean up, find those responsible, and bring them to justice
    3. Treat victims, clean up, find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.
  14. You're on holiday abroad, do you:
    1. Enjoy the local culture and food?
    2. Enjoy the local culture and food but look forward to getting home?
    3. Complain and whine that the country that you are visiting is nothing like home?

Answers:

If you answered mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced individual. If you answered mostly (c)'s then sorry, you are an American.

That's Amore!

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
becomes stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used his sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That's some more "A"s!
When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray....
A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That smore.
When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That's "No more!", eh?

Anagrams

Word/Phrase Anagram
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
Astronomer Moon Starer
Princess Diana End Is A Car Spin

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind. [Neil Armstrong, on the moon]

A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

President Clinton, of the USA.

To copulate, he finds interns.

How to Win Arguments

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases

Memorize this list:

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question.

OR

You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.

Australian Tourism Q&A

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Toursim Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

I am a Bad American

I Am A Bad American
George Carlin Speaks Out

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where does he get his money & why is he always part of the problem and not the solution?

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy tail through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my butt through a long winter?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.

If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

An Inviation to a Scientists' Ball

Brain Damage Quiz

Following is a quiz. Please answer all questions honestly, and to the best of your ability. If you answer more than five questions TRUE, then you made have brain damage. Seek professional medical help.

  1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
  2. I can't unclasp my hands.
  3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
  4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
  5. At parties, I like to sit by myself and collect a great deal of saliva.
  6. I often mistake my hands for food.
  7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
  8. I never liked room temperature.
  9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
  10. My throat is closer than it seems.
  11. I am annoyed by the taste of my teeth.
  12. Sometimes I feel compelled to count the freckles on my arms over and over until I lose control of my bladder.
  13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
  14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
  15. My patio is covered with killer frost.
  16. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
  17. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
  18. My best friend is a social worker.
  19. I've always known when to close my eyes.
  20. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
  21. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
  22. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
  23. I walk this way because I have to.
  24. Walls impede my progress.
  25. I can't find my marmots.
  26. I like mechanics magazines, but I would rather fondle a marine.
  27. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
  28. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
  29. My toes are numbered.
  30. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
  31. People tell me I'm deaf.
  32. My beaver won't go near the water.
  33. I can find my ears, but I have to look for them.
  34. I don't like any of my loved ones.
  35. Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something before.
  36. Sometimes I have the strange feeling that I've done something before.
  37. A good friend should stick to the ceiling when the going gets rough.

The World according to Calvin's Dad

Calvin: How do they know the load limit on bridges, Dad?
Dad: They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge.

Calvin: Why does the sun set?
Dad: It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.

Calvin: Why does it go from east to west?
Dad: Solar wind.

Calvin: Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
Dad: That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.

Calvin: Where does the sun go when it sets?
Dad: The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff.

Calvin: Oh.
Dad: That's why the rocks there are so red.
Calvin: Don't the people get burned up?
Dad: No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it is dark at night.

Calvin: Doesn't the sun crush the whole state when it lands?
Dad: Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.

Calvin: I thought I read that the sun was really big.
Dad: You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.

Calvin: So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night?
Dad: Well, time for bed.

Calvin: Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
Dad: Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs ARE in color. It's just the WORLD was black and white then.

Calvin: Really?
Dad: Yep. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.

Calvin: That's really weird.
Dad: Well, truth is stranger than fiction.

Calvin: But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
Dad: Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.

Calvin: But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
Dad: Of course, but they turned colors like everything else in the '30s.

Calvin: So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
Dad: Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Calvin: Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at greater speed.
Dad: It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain MORE time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.

Anti-Chain Letter

Hello, my name is Bitchass Jones. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid forwards. Maybe the evil chainletter leprechauns will come into my dorm room and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. Thank you, and feel free to delete this email without sending it on to others (unless they have it coming).

Types of Chain Letters

Four Basic Types of Chain Letters.

Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Keep Scrolling

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!!

Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of assholes.

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English...no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again!

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Chili Judge

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron [24]http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON: Momma?

Chopsticks

welcome to chinese restaurant

please try your nice chinese food with chopsticks the traditional and typical of chinese glonous history and cultual.

learn how to use your chopsticks

Claim

The claim that the claim that one can dislike a category of people in a non-categorical way is false is false.

The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit

+----------+     +-----------+            +-------------------+
| Are there|  No | Are there | "What's a  | Are there clothes |
|clothes in|---->|clothes in |  hamper?"  | strewn in random  |
| dresser? |     |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?|
+----------+     +-----------+            +-------------------+
       | Yes           | Yes                | Yes       | No
       +------------------------------------+           V
       |                                              +-------+
       V                                              |  Buy  |
  +---------------+                                   |  more |
  | Take whatever |                                   |clothes|
  |   is on top   |                                   +-------+
  +---------------+          +-----------------------+
       |                     |                       |
       V                     V                       |
  +--------+ No         +---------+              +-----------+
  |   Is   |----------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh"   |  Spray    |
  |   it   | Not sure   |  smell  |------------->|   with    |
  | clean? |----------->|  test   |              | deodorant |
  +--------+            +---------+              +-----------+
       | Yes                | "Not bad"
       +--------------------+
       |
       V
  +--------------+                  +---------+
  |For underwear:| "Which ones are  |Will they|   "I may get
  |Are there many|   for my legs?"  |   be    |    arrested."
  |    holes?    |----------------->| visible?|--------+
  +--------------+                  +---------+        |
       | No                           | No             V
       +------------------------------+          +-------------+
       |                                         |Place item on|
       |                                         | dirty pile; |
       |                                         | start over  |
       |                                         +-------------+
       V
  +---------+      +------------+      +----------------------+
  |  Is it  | Yes  |   Do you   | Yes  | But would you rather |
  |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| have a tick on your  |
  +---------+      +------------+      | eyeball than iron a  |
       | No              | No          | shirt?               |
       |                 |             +----------------------+
       |                 |                             | Yes
       +-----------------------------------------------+
       |
       V
  +--------+  Kinda           +-------+        +-----------+
  |  Does  |----------------->|Is it  |  No    | Seek the  |
  |   it   |  "Does it what?" |  dark |------->| advice of |
  | match? |----------------->|  out? |        | a female  |
  +--------+                  +-------+        +-----------+
       | Yes                      | Yes
       +--------------------------+
       |
       V
  +----------+
  |  Put on  |
  | clothes! |
  +----------+

You Know You Are Drinking Too Much Coffee When

Coffee Lovers

He likes his Irish coffee like he likes his women: loaded with whiskey.

I like my coffee like I like my recently deceased Chihuahua: stored in the freezer to lock in freshness.

He likes his coffee like a baby likes fruit juice in a bottle: sweet, spill-resistant and something to occupy the mouth when no naked breasts are around.

I like my coffee like I like surrealist humour: giraffe.

He likes his coffee like he likes his one-night stands: stale, bitter, smoking like a chimney, with a butt-ugly mug.

I like my coffee like I like my meddlesome neighbours: ground into tiny bits.

She likes her coffee like divorce attorneys like their clients: very rich, very bitter and with lots of grounds.

He likes his coffee like he likes his flatulence: made from the finest beans, rich enough to smell from across the room and satisfying to the last "Ahhhh!"

She likes her coffee like she likes her Iraqi information ministry: chock full o' nuts.

I like my coffee like Maria Myerson, a girl in fifth grade who gave every boy except me a Valentine, even though I had written her love poems in my own blood every day -- ruining me for life, that ungrateful skank prosti-- um, sorry [...] cold, with a bitter aftertaste.

I like my chai tea like I like my women: vapid, lukewarm and smelling faintly of soy milk.

I like my coffee like the Iraqis like their Saddam statues: without a head.

He likes his coffee like he likes his hillbilly women: mountain grown.

She likes her Starbucks coffee like she likes her men: always another one around the corner.

Conspiracies redux

This sounds like the kind of thing that may have been brought up before, but this is Canada, eh? It's claimed by several of my acquantances that Snapple, the yucky fruit drink, endorses and supports the KKK.

This is complete BS.

The KKK is endorsed by Procter and Gamble, who also supports the satanists, and who sold Mrs. Field's cookie recipe to Neiman Marcus for $2,000 after the kiddie tatoos laced with LSD that were supposed to be used for satanic ritual abuse at that day care center in Beaufort were mistakenly eaten by the choking doberman who was bitten by the snake that came out of the fur coat that was worn by the escaped homicidal maniac whose hook prosthesis was found hanging from the door of the car of the teenagers who high-tailed it out of a lover's lane when they heard that he had escaped and then went to the pot party where the kids who were supposed to be babysitting got high on marijuana and were so stoned they accidentally put the baby in the oven instead of the turkey that makes you sleepy because it contains tryptophan because the microwave was ruined by the exploding poodle that the girl with the beehive hairdo that turned out to contain roaches who had gotten an automatic "A" at college because her roommate had committed suicide had put in to dry after it had gotten wet chasing the vanishing hitchhiker who had tried to warn the girl that her insides were cooked because she had stayed too long under the sun lamp at the local tanning salon while her dad poured a load of concrete into a new convertible parked outside of the house because he thought it belonged to a guy who was having sex with his wife but was really a prize he had won in a contest at that radio station that played rock records that contained hidden commands and subliminal messages planted by the Jews, international bankers, the Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Illuminati, the New World Order, multinational corporations, right wing militias, Jerry Falwell, the Christian Coalition, Planned Parenthood, and the spooks at Hanger 18 of Area 51 in Dreamland who performed the autopsies on the aliens who crashed at Roswell, New Mexico while on a mission to abduct people and conduct weird sexual and reproductive experiments on them because they knew we use only ten percent of our brains and that engineers had "proven" that bumblebees can't fly and that sugar wakes you up even if you're a CIA agent who has recovered memories about conspiring with organized crime and anti-Castro extremists to kill JFK with a magic bullet, and then killed dozens of other people whose odds of all dying within the period in which they did are infintesimal even if you don't count their near-death experiences in which an angel guided them to the light before they were called back because it wasn't time for them to die like Mikey from the Life cereal commercials did after eating Pop Rocks(R) candy when his friend Alice Cooper who was Eddie Haskell on Leave it to Beaver woke up after a one night stand in a hotel only to find that the girl he was with was gone and had written "Welcome to the world of AIDS" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror which terrified him because he knew that it is just as easy to get AIDS from heterosexual intercourse as it is from homosexual sodomy with an IV drug user because when the US government created AIDS to commit genocide against blacks who aren't adversely affected by the minimum wage with the aid of Korean grocers who don't give anything back to the community they knew that Anne Klein had said on the Donahue show that she didn't want blacks buying her clothes because when the poison they put in that fried chicken at Church's so The Rich could keep the poor down because they can't be rich if nobody is poor there would be a massive coverup like the Philadelphia Experiment or the carburetor that can allow a car to get 100 mpg in perpetual motion just like Nikola Tesla had done a hundred years ago using the same principal that Uri Geller uses to bend spoons and psychic friends use to give you valuable insights that improve your life for amusement purposes only while smoking a cigarette that has no more been proven to give you cancer than evolution has been proven to occur because it's only a theory and there are no transitional fossils and it violates the second law of thermodynamics unlike creation science which is not religious and fear of irradiated food which is rational because we know it's bad just like the assault weapons that are more dangerous than other semi-automatic weapons because they look scary and ugly and they're ok to ban because the second amendment wasn't meant to preserve the rights of individuals against the state like the other nine amendments in the Bill of Rights but instead is the only amendment designed to protect the state against individuals because if there is no effective way to keep guns out of the hands of criminals the next best thing is to keep them out of the hands of law abiding citizens and make sure only the state has them because countries where the state doesn't permit its citizens to own guns are never oppressive and the government doesn't become arrogant and intractable and corrupt because the government can improve our lives by suspending the laws of supply and demand to make prices fair and deciding how many people of each race and sex should be in colleges and jobs which is good because when control of everyday life is centralized in the state the people who get to make the decisions are never capricious or highhanded or make decisions favoring their friends and family and people who pay them money because if only we can get the right people into positions of control it will be safe to let them run things because smart people can figure out how to allocate resources and what fair prices are for goods and services and labor and who should be allowed to do what much more efficiently and constructively than just letting millions of people make their own decisions about what they should eat or drink or smoke or for whom they should work for under what conditions for how much money on what schedule based on their own perceptions concerns and plans in accordance with their best interests.

But I digress [...]

The Cow, an Assay!

Explanation: UPSC conducts examinations for the top civil servants in India.

In the recent UPSC examinations, a candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.

Indian Culture Explained

Distinguishing India's different cultures by the numbers [...] !

How to Combat Depression

  1. Try to be PERFECT.
  2. Be very critical of any mistakes or failures you might make.
  3. Do what you SHOULD do, even if it is not what you want to do.
  4. Always do what you are supposed to be doing.
  5. Make other persons happy at any cost to yourself.
  6. Work hard at pleasing your most severe critic.
  7. Know that if you don't please, the other person will reject or leave you.
  8. Never make a mistake
  9. Live alone and have few friends.
  10. Keep your failures, mistakes, errors and faults to yourself. Never let anyone know of them, because you never want anyone to know how bad you really are. Keep your secrets personal.
  11. FEAR the future, because you know it will turn out bad.
  12. WORRY about how bad it will be.
  13. With such an awful future, try to be in control as much as possible. Knowing you are not in self control, seek to control other and events.
  14. Knowing how you really are inside, your secret self, never listen to or accept praise or compliments. They will just make you big headed and egotistical.
  15. Recognize the true importance of a negative interpretation and be certain to always emphasize the negative, and generalize it to yourself whenever possible.
  16. Avoid any awareness of how your negativeness affects others. You have an important role to fulfill for them, and they need your realistic balance.

Des-Pardes

  1. Mother-in law
    Des
    A women capable of making your life miserable.
    Pardes
    A women you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?
  2. Husband:
    Des
    A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
    Pardes
    Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.
  3. Friend:
    Des
    A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.
    Pardes
    A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
  4. Wife:
    Des
    A woman who gives you your clothes and towel when you go to take a shower.
    Pardes
    A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
  5. Son:
    Des
    A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
    Pardes
    A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
  6. Daughter:
    In Des
    A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave.
    In Pardes
    A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time.
  7. Father:
    Des
    A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
    Pardes
    A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
  8. Desi Engineer:
    Des
    A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai.
    Pardes
    A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
  9. Desi Doctor:
    Des
    A respectable person with ok income.
    Pardes
    A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor ki biwi" (doctor's wife).
  10. Bhangra:
    Des
    A vigorous punjabi festival dance.
    Pardes
    A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
  11. Software Engineer:
    Des
    A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue consulate visa line.
    Pardes
    The same hitech guy, who does Ganapati puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year.
  12. A Green Card holder bachelor:
    Des
    The guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.
    Pardes
    The guy can't speak English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.

The Conclusive, Definitive, Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List

Air-Quality Monitor: Carmine Dioxide
Airline Reservation Manager: Will Price Randomly
Art Critic: Phyllis Steen
Assertiveness Training Coach: Lois Steem
Assistant Customer Care Representive: Kurt Reply
Asst. Directors of Computer Services: Sy Burnett and Sy Quest
Assistant Director of Moral Support: Hugo Gurll
Asst. Fleet Manager: Lisa Carr
Asst. Transportation Coordinator: Orson Buggy
Attorney General: Janet Torino
Attorney General forTobacco Settlements: Hubert H. Humvee II
Auto-Body Expert: James Bondo
Automotive Finishes Consultant: Rusty Steele
Automotive Medical Researcher: Dr. Denton Fender
Automotive Registrar: Megan Model

Behavior Consultant: Wyatt B. Hoovesia
Bathroom Tile Installer: Lotta Bullnose
Blues Coordinator: Mahamadan Ptolemy
British Cutlery Specialist: Sir Irving Spoon
British Doorman: Isaiah Olchap
Boston Funeral Director: Hadley Newham
Boston Traffic Director: Laura Biden
Butler in Car Talk's Scotland Division: Angus MacCoatup
Broadcast Philosopher: Phillip Airtime

Car Talk Bouncer: Euripedes Ibreakayourface
Car Talk Opera Critic: Barbara Seville
Celebrity Consultants: Richard Gere-Oil, Mick Jaguar
Chairman, Federal Lubrication Board: Alan Greasepan
Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff: John Shall-I-Pop-a-Wheelie
Chairman, Math Dept.: Horatio Algebra
Chairman, Oral History Dept.: Ira Caull
Chairman, Staff Physics Dept.: Victor Analysis
Chairman, Underemployment Study Group: Art Majors
Chief Justice: Judge Mental
Chief Legal Counsel: Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham Howe
Chief of Stadium Seating for the Olympics: Wayne Back
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat
Child Development Expert: Dr. Benjamin Spark
Co-Chairmen of Apathy Study Group: Ben Thayer, Don Thatt
Collision Repair Specialist: Jesse "The Body Shop" Ventura
Communications Director: George Stayontopothis
Conductor Emeritus, Tappet Symphony Orchestra: Sludgy Ozawa
Conductor, Tappet Brothers Symphony Orchestra: Philip Harmonic
Congressional Lobbyists: OrrinHatchback, Dan Rustencarski, Paul Simonize, B. F. Gingrich
Conservative Political Commentator: Eileen Tudor-Wright
Coordinator, 12-Step Recovery Program: Cody Pendant
Copyright Attorney: Pat Pending
Corporate Spokesperson: Hugh Lyon Sack
Curator of Tom's Car Collection: Rex Galore
Customer Car Care Representative: Haywood Jabuzoff

Defense Dept. Consultant: Major Error
Dental Hygienist: Ginger Vitis
Designer of Our Casual Clothing Line: Noh Tie, Woo!
Director of Automotive Security: Boris Karlarm
Director, Automotive Recycling Center: Ricardo Dismantleban
Director of Jamaican Baseball Operations: Reggae Jackson
Director of Catering: Russell Upsumgrub
Director of Cadillac Steering: Toulouse Toutrack
Director of Cold Weather Starting: Martina Neverturnover
Director of Moral Support: Hugh DeMann
Director of Computer Diagnostics: Gus O'Genn
Director of Computer Services: Dot Matrix
Director of Congressional Funding: Fred Knott
Director of Country Music: Stan Beyerman
Director of Delicate Electronics Repair: Anita Hammer
Director of Desert Food Supplies: Sandy Berger
Director of E-mail Responses: Peggy Flaming
Director of Gender Studies: Amanda B. Reckondwyth
Director of High-Speed Impact Studies: Ricardo Montana-Bahn
Director of Italian Traffic Enforcement: Noah U. Turna
Director of Intensive Care Unit: Picabo Street
Director of Listener Support: Noah Fundrive
Director of Lubrication: Olive Presser
Director of Long-Range Strategic Planning: Kay Sera
Director of New Product Repair: Warren T. Mifutt
Director of Nutritional Supplements: Rose Hips
Director of Pedestrian Operations: Carless Castenada
Director of Photography: Len Scapon
Director of Pollution Control: Maury Missions
Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder
Director of Speed Bumps: Slow-Me-Down Milosevic
Director of Sports Information: Linus Scrimmage
Director of Monopoly Policy: Juan Moorehouse
Director of Staff Pay Increases: Xavier Breath & Tony Von Thinkett
Director of The Car Talk Psychic Network: La Toyota Jackson
Director of Unsolicited Advice: H. Ross Peugeot
Director of Upward Mobility in Eastern Europe: Zbigniew
Chrysler Director of Warm-Weather Programming: Sumner Reruns
Document Security Expert from Jamaica: Euripedes Upmann

East Asian Used Car Expert: Alexander Soldyernissan
Electronics Technician: Sammy Conductor
Elocution Coach: Dick Shun
Emissions Tester: Justin Hale VII,
Engine Cooling Systems Manager: Jean Claude Air Damme
Evasive Driving Instructor: Vera Bruptly

Fact Checker: Ella Fynoe
Fashion Consultant: Natalie Attired
Financial Forecaster: Lou Gubrious
Fleet Manager: Oscar de la Rental
French Automotive Liason: Maurice Chevrolet

German Interpreter: Axel Hausen
Graduation Coordinators: Val and Dick Torian
Grammar Consultant: I.M. Shirley Wright

Head of Bldgs. & Grounds: Moe D'Lawn
Head of Personal Security: C. Howie Run
Head of Security: Barb Dwyer
Heads of Parts Dept: Al Lloyd Wheel, Constance Velocity
Head of Used Car Purchasing: Ewell B. Hoffinett
Horsepower Consultant: Mr. Ed

Inventory Manager: Mandalit Del Bar-Code
Italian Governess; Donna Day Evvalurn
International Lubrication Experts: C.V. Boutro Boutros Gali nd Fidel Castrol

Jazz Music Coordinator: Bertha Deblues

Keeper of Bell Tower (Hatchback of Notre Dame): Quasi Automotive

Latin American Trade Representative: Noah Comprenday
Leader of The Former Peugeot Dealers ofAmerica Support Group: Eustace L. Emmons
Libel Defense Director in Tokyo: Sosumi Areti
Leo Tolstoy biographer: Warren Peace
Liaison Officer to Volvo & Renault: Bjorne Toulouse
Lighting Expert: Shanda Lear
Literary Critics: Ernest & Julio Hemingway

Manager of Automotive Accessories: Francis Ford Cupholda
Manager of Car Talk Capital Depreciation Fund: Les Ismore
Manager of Cartalk.Com: Cy Burnett
Manager of Employee Refrigerator: Carmen Dating
Manager of the Weekly Shrimp Buffet: Sheldon Deveigned
Marriage Counselor: Marion Haste
Montana Traffic Law Director: Hugh Jim Bissell
Mortgage Loan Consultant: Nora Lenderbee

Nutrition Consultants: Eaton Wright and Liven Good

Parking Attendant: Rick O'Shea
Personal Trainer: Jim Shortz
Photographer: F. Stop Fitzgerald
Poet Laureate: Robert Defrost
Pre-show Caterers: Giardia Brothers
President, Car Talk Hair Club for Men: Emerson Fittibaldie
Producer's Office, Furnished by: Rick Kleiner
Proprietor of Car Talk's men clothing store: Euripedes, Eumenedes
Public Opinion Pollster: Paul Murky of Murky Research

Ratings Analysis Specialist: Rita Menweip
Regional Director, Atlanta: Frank Lee Scarlett
Repair Cost Consultant: Bill M. Moore

Safety Officers: Mort & Fay Tality
Sales Motivation Coach: Norman Vincent Pealeout
Seating Consultant: Rush Lumbar
Secretary of Pain Relief: Les Aspirin
Secretary of Halogen Headlamps: Made-A-Lane Allbright
Secretary of Photographic Reproduction: Fresh Prince
Sexual Harrassment Intervention Counselor: Pat McCann
Singing Urologist: Urethra Franklin
Soloists: Kerry Oki, Victor Yugo
Speech Pathologist: Peter Aftermey
Spiritual Counselor;Miss Dolly Lama
Staff Author: Four-Doo Dostoevski
Staff Bikini Waxer: Harry Mouval
Staff Butler, from the Car Talk Bombay Division: Mahatma Coat
Staff Bouncer: Euripedes Ibrakauface
Staff Carburetor Expert: Leslie Stahl
Staff Cardiologist: Angie O'Plasty
Staff Cat Feeder: Ken Opener
Staff Chaplain: Neil Down
Staff Child Seat Tester: Drew Lee Weiner
Staff Chiropractor: Winston Paine
Staff Composers: Gustav Muffler, Bela Cartok
Staff Cooks: Al Dente, Sal Monella
Staff Disciplinarian: Les Stern
Staff Dramatist: Anton Chokeov
Staff Geneticist: Dr. Jean Poole
Staff Gossip Columnist: Bud Inski
Staff Grief Counselor: Ariel Bummerman
Staff Meteorologist: Gail Storm
Staff Nutritionist: Arlene Menu
Staff Oral Historian: Studds Tercel
Staff Physicist: Moe Mentum
Staff Psychologist: Les Moody
Staff Reporters: Walter Crankcase
Staff Urologist: Willa Catheter
Statistician: Marge Innovera
Suppliers of Insurance to Dewey, Cheetham and Howe: C.F.I. Care
Surgeon General: C. Everett Koop DeVille
Swedish Attorney: Bjorn Liar

Tailo: Euripedes Imenedes
Tax Consultant: Lou Pole
Telephone Solicitation Response Specialist: Teresa Noboddihoum
Timing Director: Benjamin Not-Yet-You-Yahoo!

DNA Personals

I've been single-stranded too long! Lonely ATGCATG would like to pair up with congenial TACGTAC.

Menage a trois! Ligand seeks two receptors into binding and mutual phosphorylation. Let's get together and transduce some signals.

Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind.

Highly sensitive, orally active small molecule seeks stable well-structured receptor who knows size isn't everything.

There must be a rational way to meet a date! I'm tired of hanging out in those molecular diversity bars, hoping to randomly bump into the right peptide. I want a molecule that will fit right into my active site and really turn me on. I'll send you my crystal structure if you send me yours!

Gene therapy graduate. After years of producing nothing but gibberish, I've shed my exons and am ready to express my introns. All I need is a cute vector to introduce me to the right host.

My RNA, I'm sorry I misread your UAAUAAUAA and inserted three tyrosines when you repeatedly asked me to stop. Something got lost in the translation. Please forgive me.

Naked DNA with sticky ends seeks kanamycin-resistant plasmid. EcoR1 sites preferred.

Uninhibited virus seeks reason to make me shed my coat protein.

This very selective oliogonucleotide has been probing for just the right target for long term hybridization.

Mature cell seeks same who still enjoys cycling and won't go apoptotic on me. Let's fight senescence together!

I'm a prolific progenitor with great potential for growth and self-renewal. Call me if you're a potent hematopoietic factor who still believes in endless nights of colony stimulation.

I don't always express myself on the surface, but I'm looking for a signal that you appreciate my complexity. Send me the right message that will penetrate my membranes, turn on my protein expression and release my potential energy.

If Dogs Could Talk, They'd tell Us

Easy Questions and their Answers

The Questions

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
  2. In which country are Panama hats made?
  3. Where does catgut come from?
  4. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  5. What kind of creatures were the Canary Isles named after?
  6. What was King George VI's first name?
  7. What color is a purple finch?
  8. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
  10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

The Answers

  1. 116 years from 1337 to 1453.
  2. Ecuador.
  3. From sheep and horses.
  4. Squirrel fur.
  5. A large breed of dogs. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - "Island of Dogs."
  6. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should be called Albert.
  7. The distinctively colored parts are crimson.
  8. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
  9. New Zealand.
  10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Reasons why the English Language is hard to learn

  1. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  2. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
  3. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  4. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  5. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  6. I did not object to the object.
  7. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  8. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
  9. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  10. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  11. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  12. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  13. The farm was used to produce produce.
  14. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  15. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  16. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  17. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  18. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
  19. They were too close to the door to close it.
  20. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  21. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  22. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  23. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

To Err is Human

Guide to France

What you should know about France

From: Cultural Officer, American Embassy, Bonn

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some over expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupation are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5. l5 am and 5. 20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly filled fellows and facing famine, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farm-lot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.

"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family. Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors".

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

But the fugitive's fault finding frater , faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude."

Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor, quoted in More Holy Humor, Cal and Rose Samra, Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2, modified by Robert Woodman. Feel free to publish this but leave the copyright information in place.

German Motoring Phrases

The abolition of Euro trade barriers in 1996 means that all company cars will now be of German origin. To this end the company has produced the following list of GERMAN MOTORING PHRASES:

  1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken: Indicators
  2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen: Bonnet
  3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben: Exhaust
  4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken: Clutch
  5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken: Puncture
  6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz: Learner driver
  7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin: Estate car
  8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader: Windscreen wipers
  9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen: Seat belt
  10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen: Highway code
  11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden: Headlights
  12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken: Cyclist
  13. Der Fukkengratentrucken: Lorry
  14. Der Bananwaltzen: Skid
  15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen: Near accident

Gooder Grammar

Letter from a Triple-Threat Grammarian.

Dear sir:

You never past me in grammar but I getted this here athletes scholarship any way. Well, the other day I finally get to writing the rule's down so I can always study it if they ever slip my mind.

  1. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
  2. Just between you and I, case is important.
  3. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
  4. Watch out for irregular verbs which has creeped into our language.
  5. Don't use no double negatives.
  6. A writer musn't shift your point of view.
  7. When dangling, don't use participles.
  8. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
  9. Don't write run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
  10. About sentence fragments.
  11. In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
  12. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
  13. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
  14. Don't abbrev.
  15. Check to see of you any words out.
  16. In my opinion I think that an author when he is writing shouldn't get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
  17. In the case of a business letter, check it in terms of jargon.
  18. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition -- take for instance, Abraham Lincoln.
  19. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
  20. Last but not least, lay off cliche's.

How I Met My Wife

by Jack Winter, from the New Yorker, July 25, 1994

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my weildy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito. Beknowst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make head or tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated---as if this were something I was great shakes at---and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had not time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myselfs.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

Halley's Comet

MEMORANDUM 1

From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.

MEMORANDUM 2

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM 3

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.

MEMORANDUM 4

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

MEMORANDUM 5

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.

Science Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.

Here are this year's winners:

Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive. [Valerie Moyses]

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge. [Cheryl Chapman]

Time travel to be discovered next year. [J. White]

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true. [J. White]

Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism. [Stephen Thompson]

Water into wine -- ancient catalyst rediscovered. [Ray Heaton]

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus. [Helena Petre]

Half-dead cat found in box -- RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist. [Peter Rowland]

Tony Blair cloned -- regional assemblies to get one each. [George Oldham]

"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament. [Kevin Ennis]

Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize. [Kevin Ennis]

Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket. [Alastair Johnson]

The Universe stops expanding this week -- keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT. [Raymond Broersma]

Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra -- "We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton. [Bonnie Ralph]

Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books. [Ronald Smith]

Meteorite hits lottery winner. [Patrick Rowley]

Fermat's last memo discovered -- "Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page." [Chris Moore]

Goodbye Dolly -- biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car. [Richard Collender]

"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion -- NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars. [Bruce Alcorn]

Immune system boosted by real ale. [Gerald Leach]

Microsoft help helps. [Mike Haslam]

"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed -- millions enjoy Christmas. [Melissa Lewis]

Hollywood Squares Classics

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measurers.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver -- that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

If

THEN, my friend you are almost as good as your dog.

India: A Tourist Guide

India, Land of Snake Charmers.

Stupid Questions

Q.
Why do indian women wear red dots on their foreheads?
A.
Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target.
Q.
You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A.
Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started participating in elephant ride-sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emissions" problem.
Q.
Does India have cars?
A.
No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q.
Does India have TV?
A.
No. We only have cable.
Q.
Are all Indians vegetarian?
A.
Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q.
Are you a Hindi?
A.
Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q.
Do you speak Hindu?
A.
Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q.
Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A.
Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.
Q.
India is very hot, isn't it?
A.
It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q.
Are there any business companies in India?
A.
No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians; it is is a lot of hard work.
Q.
Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A.
Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.
Q.
India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A.
Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.
Q.
I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A.
We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk.

India is known by various names, ranging from The Jewel In The Crown to The Land of Snake Charmers. However, most Indians would be surprised to hear either of these things, because they consider India as being the place in which they live, and which fits neither of these descriptions at all.

A famous guy whose name is not important (chiefly because I cannot remember it) once said in a weak moment, "Everything that you hear about India is true. The opposite is also true." What an idiot [...] in India (that includes YOU, stupid) usually feel like they do not know whether to laugh or to cry. Especially when the natives keep laughing at you most of the time.

Location

Unless it moved recently, India is located on the southern edge of Asia, which is rather neat because we are right next to the Indian ocean too. Would have confused people otherwise, I mean, imagine finding the Indian ocean there and seeing India somewhere on the other side of the world. Well, luckily for map-makers, that isn't the case, unlike for instance a certain European colonial power whom we shall not identify by name, who is not located anyhere near French Samoa.

How to get there

Getting there is half the fun, especially if you fly Air India (A.I.), the national airline. The domestic airline is Indian Airlines (I.A.), which is rather clever because they can re-use the same letters in the acronym. We heard recently that having picked up some knowledge about other alphabets, practically everyone and his brother is now starting up local airlines, such as Vayudoot, Damania and Megalomania.

The conventional way to enter the country is through one of the international airports which are in Bombay, New Delhi, Calcutta and Madras. Most people who land there are headed somewhere else in India, which might make you wonder why the airports were set up there in the first place, but that's the way it is, and remember that you are just a measly tourist and who the heck are you to tell us where to put our airports anyway? And oh yeah, I was asked to welcome you, even if I thought you were a poor, sad excuse for a human as long as you were fool enough to give us your money. So, Welcome to India.

For the more adventurous minded tourist, there are other ways of entering the country, such as first going to Pakistan and crossing the border into Kashmir. Should you choose this route, the Pakistani government provides you (at no extra charge) with the latest in US Army surplus AK-47s as an incentive. (Offer good till supplies last. The Government of Pakistan reserves the right to substitute other weaponry without prior notice.) While this means you can get an all-expenses-paid to the Kashmir Valley, the catch is that it is very difficult to get travel insurance on this trip. Something to do with getting killed or something. I dunno.

You can choose to travel to Bangladesh first, which also provides free infiltration services, particularly into the Northeastern parts of India, but I hear that tourism is difficult in those regions. The natives in Northeastern India don't speak English anymore, since they have discovered that assault rifles are a more lucid way of getting the point across to dumbfucks illegally crossing over the border from Bangladesh. Besides, this way they don't have to worry about dangling participles and split infinitives, always a problem when you try to communicate in English. They are reported to ask questions later, a point which is of little comfort to anyone who's been shot first. Besides, you would first have to go to Bangladesh, and who wants to do that.

Finally, you could take the boat ride from Sri Lanka to India, but the catch is that you won't be able to see much of India because you will be sent back on the next boat to Sri Lanka. Not much of India you can see in an afternoon.

Indian hospitality

Foreign tourists are welcome in most parts of India, and are referred to as "gora firangi", which is Indian for "fat-assed foreign bastard with diarrhea and way too much money". Where does the diarrhea come into the picture? Well I'd rather not go into the details, you know well enough where it does. If you want to know where you got it from, I would say the water, or the food, or the air. Of course the real reason is that you are a wimpy foreigner whose stomach isn't strong enough to take care of itself, and we are just too damn polite to say so to your face. The least you could do is to quit whining. Thank you.

People

First of all, there are a lot of them. Get used to it. There are so many of them that India's primary contribution to the sociological spectrum is the mob. They come in various shapes and sizes, primarily in two sexes (stop sniggering, sex in this context means gender), and range from fair to dark. Most people of marriageable age can be identified easily because they turn a distinctive colour best described as "wheatish complexioned".

Indian names are difficult to pronounce, which is why most Indian kids have nicknames like Babloo. If you forget someone's name, I would advise you against referring to him as Whatsisface, simply because there may be some guy within earshot called Chandragupta Harshavardhana Whatsisface and he may think you are talking about him. If you have to, at least say Mr. Whatsisface, and pray that there isn't a woman around called Mrs.Whatsisface. Better still, keep your big mouth shut, but this may be impossible to do if you are an American tourist.

Among the millions of unknown and unimportant Indians are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as:

This list has only included a few people. There are about nine hundred million more, so your chance of meeting any of the above in India is pretty slim. Still, we gave you a little background on them; just in case you ran across one of them so you wouldn't look like a darned fool. Probably too late for that, but at least now it won't be our fault.

Places

There are thousands of places you could go to in India, and some of them are even interesting to go to.

The Taj Mahal: This is well-known around the world as one of the most hyper-hyped tourist places of all time. Most foreign tourists seem to think that it is a mosque, but they are wrong (bloody typical, isn't it!). It is a tomb, built to bury a queen. After she died of course, they weren't barbarians or anything. Her husband thought it would be a cool idea to have a massive erection for his dead wife, which is pretty perverted, if you ask me. I mean, the old bag was dead, for chrissakes. Anyway, different strokes for different folks.

The Red Fort: Well, it is a fort, and um... it is kind of red, but I guess you expected that anyway. It is located in Old Delhi, to which I guess you can go from New Delhi by doing some nifty time-travel. Heh heh, no actually that's just a joke and you are supposed to laugh now. Thanks. You don't need a time-machine, you can just take a taxi.

Corbett National Park: Basically a jungle, but we figure you would pay good money to go stay there (and get out of our hair for a while) if we told you that you could see some tigers there. Kind of ironic, since Corbett was known for killing tigers. Sort of like starting up a chain of Kosher Deli's named after that Hitler bloke.

Khajuraho: A bunch of dilapidated temples in the middle of nowhere, - but it just goes to show you how far people would go as long as there was some sex involved. You can think of it as Debbie Does Dallas in stone. Statues of men and women (and assorted barnyard animals) indulging in sexual acts which, aside from some of them being illegal under existing Indian laws, can be best described as falling into the "Can you really do that" category. A source of inspiration to young honeymooners and middle-aged foreign tourists alike, and a source of rich livelihood to local orthopaedic surgeons and emergency paramedics.

Kashmir: Snow-capped mountains, serene lakes, quaint ageless traditions, and beautiful valleys which are filled with the sounds of staccato gunfire. Stroll through centuries old marketplaces, touch lovingly handcrafted local ware, and witness a real-life kidnapping by local terrorists, or get caught in an exciting cross-fire between the army and the terrorists. Look up at the clear blue skies at just the right moment (timing is everything) and you may see a rocket bomb arcing gracefully through the air. Unparalleled scenic beauty and violent armed civil unrest, a combination you would be hard pressed to find elsewhere in the world.

Rajasthan: Desert, mostly, but the kings built palaces there with a keen eye on the twentieth century tourist industry. They also have an annual camel-trading show, where a lot of tourists like to get into the way of local camel traders trying to run their business. Still, if sand turns you on, you'll find plenty of it here.

Other Stuff: Not to be outdone, there are hundreds of places with really no inherent tourist appeal which would love to have you visit them and support the local skin-the-tourist industry.

Languages

English is spoken widely, but understood somewhat less widely. Exceptions are regions such as Assam (see above) and Kashmir, where the locals, presumably disenchanted with the peculiarities of English grammar, have made creative use of alternative ways to express themselves.

Sometimes you may come across signs which seem to be English, but make no sense anyway [...] such as: Xerox photocopy done in Telugu, Kannada and English or Limca---The zero bacteria drink.

There are several hundred local languages, none of which you have any hope of understanding, so let us just forget that for now.

Politics

India follows a parliamentary democratic form of government, in which the people get together every five years and decide which party they hate the least, and this party gets to rule until the people find a party they hate even less. In this respect, India is just like any other democracy. The losing party usually vanishes, breaks up, merges with the winning party, figures out which ideology would get them the most votes and reconvenes with a different name in time for the next election.

Sports

The most popular sport is cricket, which the Indians picked up from the British. The Pommie bastards have been looking for it ever since, with little success, heh heh. There are several versions, such as "tennis ball cricket", "street cricket", "hostel corridor cricket", "half pitch cricket", "one day cricket" and "that's not cricket". The fundamental rules are common across these various forms.

Each match takes five days. It takes this long because they need time to figure out who is in, i.e. out, and who is out, i.e. in, and who is not out, but not yet in. There are one-day matches, which oddly are usually played at night these days (which may make you wonder why they don't call them one-night matches), in which everyone is in a hurry to get in and stay out.

Hockey, basketball and soccer also claim that they are popular, but only among the people who play them. These people like these sports when there is no cricket to watch.

Shakespearian Insult Kit

Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this handy table to construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with the word "Thou":

Column_1 Columm_2 Column_3
artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming| clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlet
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail

Iraqi TV Listings

MONDAY

8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY

8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY

8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY

8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY

8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News

For Those Who Love Language

  1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris...are in-seine.
  2. A backward poet writes...inverse.
  3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  5. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
  6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  7. A man needs a mistress...just to break the monogamy.
  8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  15. The definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  18. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  25. Local Area Network in Australia: ... the LAN down under.
  26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  27. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  28. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
  29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  32. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  33. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  34. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
  35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  36. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  37. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Laws

O'Reilly's law of the kitchen:
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law:
Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law:
If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law:
In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law:
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law:
When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success:
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism:
The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science:
If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction:
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history:
History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Eleven Rules of Life

  1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
  2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you have to let go.
  3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
  4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
  5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
  6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
  7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be because you have only one chance at life to do the things you want to do.
  8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
  9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress, a loving word may heal and bless.
  10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
  11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear.

Total Management

Those of us used to writing technical and business reports know how difficult it can be to use just the right phrase to convey the true depth of your topic. Now, professionals and students alike can seem like etymological geniuses, thanks to the Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector created by Phillip Broughton, a U.S. Public Health Service official. Using only 30 carefully chosen buzz words, you can woo your way through any written or oral presentation:

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency

USAGE: Randomly pick any three-digit number. Now select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, 768 produces synchronized transitional hardware, or 539 yeilds responsive reciprocal contingency, a phrase which can be dropped into any report with the ring of authority. "No one will have any idea what you're talking about," says Broughton, "but they're probably not about to admit it."

Martha vs Erma

Letter from Martha Stewart to Erma Bombeck:

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to.

Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.

Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.

Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast.

I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making. Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha,

I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains.

I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out, again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that?

Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth.

Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave.

Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.

Love, Erma

Math History

In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that:

  1. Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."
  2. Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his daughter "Tootsie."
  3. William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his friends.
  4. The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."
  5. Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."
  6. Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."
  7. There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine, and if there was, the motto of their mathematics department would not be "Secant ye shall find."
  8. Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.
  9. Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself."
  10. Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
  11. It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could only see one side to every question.
  12. It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that after his lecture the first three questions he was asked were "What is elliptical?", "What is an orbit?" and "What is a planet?".
  13. It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics. For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is dependent upon government assistance, which is not always forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government at half-price, and the government passed them onto the northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples: "He who has a Tait's is lost."

Merge-Matic Books

From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books. (Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.)

Second Runner-Up: Machiavelli's The Little Prince. Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

First Runner-Up: Green Eggs and Hamlet. Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

And the Winner: Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities. An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

Honorable Mentions:

Where's Walden? Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

Catch-22 in the Rye Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.

2001: A Space Iliad. The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi. Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

The Maltese Faulkner. Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

Jane Eyre Jordan. Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

Looking for Mr. Godot. A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait.

The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter. An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

Lorna Dune An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

The Remains of the Day of the Jackal. A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles de Gaulle.

The Invisible Man of La Mancha. Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

Singing in the Black Rain. A gang of vicious Japanese drug lords beat the stuffings out of Gene Kelly.

Of Three Blind Mice and Men. Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

Planet of the Grapes of Wrath. Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

Paradise Lost in Space. Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist and two annoying children.

The Exorstentialist. Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

Useful Metric Conversions

We as Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions."

1 million microphones 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds two kilomockingbirds
10 cards 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins 1 terrapin
10 rations 1 decoration
100 rations 1 C-ration
10 millipedes 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents 1 decadent
2 monograms 1 diagram
8 nickels 2 paradigms
2 wharves 1 paradox

Mr.Burns

C.Montgomery Burns ("Mr.Burns") is the greedy, conniving, frail 104 year-old owner of the Springfield Nuclear Plant where Homer Simpson works. With his very loyal henchman, Waylon Smithers, here are a selection of some of the better quotes from Mr.Burns' lips, from the hilarious cartoon "The Simpsons".

You might be a "Music Theory Geek" if

You might be a Music Theory Geek if:

Murphy's Laws of Love

  1. All the good ones are taken.
  2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to 1).
  3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
  4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
  5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
  6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
  7. The best things in the world are free---and worth every penny of it.
  8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
  9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
  10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.

Murphy's Laws of Sex

Musical Musings

"There are more bad musicians than there is bad music." --Isaac Stern

After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatgorsky, Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?" "You played relatively well," replied Piatigorsky.

"The chromatic scale is what you use to give the effect of drinking a quinine martini and having an enema simultaneously." --Philip Larkin

"The sound of a harpsichord - two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm." --Sir Thomas Beecham

"Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten percent playing out of tune." --Igor Stravinsky

"Mozart died too late rather than too soon." --Glenn Gould

"Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of a bag of nails, with here and there also a dropped hammer." --John Ruskin

"Art is long and life is short; here is evidently the explanation of a Brahms symphony." --Edward Lorne

"I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws." --Charles Baudelaire

"If the reader were so rash as to purchase any of Bela Bartok's compositions, he would find that they each and all consist of unmeaning bunches of notes, apparently representing the composer promenading the keyboard in his boots. Some can be played better with the elbows, others with the flat of the hand. None require fingers to perform or ears to listen too." --Frederick Corder

"In the first movement alone, I took note of six pregnancies and at least four miscarriages." --Sir Thomas Beecham on Bruckner's Seventh Symphony

"What can you do with it? It's like a lot of yaks jumping about." --Sir Thomas Beecham on Beethoven's Seventh Symphony

Sir Thomas Beecham was once asked if he had played any Stockhausen. "No," he replied, "but I have trodden in some."

"Rossini would have been a great composer if his teacher had spanked him enough on his backside." --Ludwig van Beethoven

"Anton Bruckner wrote the same symphony nine times, trying to get it just right. He failed." --Edward Abbey

"Schoenberg is too melodious for me, too sweet." --Bertolt Brecht

"He'd be better off shoveling snow." --Richard Strauss on Arnold Schoenberg.

When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto, Arnold Schoenberg replied, "I can wait."

"I would like to hear Elliot Carter's Fourth String Quartet, if only to discover what a cranky prostate does to one's polyphony." --James Sellars

"Exit in case of Brahms." --Philip Hale's proposed inscription over the doors of Boston Symphony Hall

"Why is it that whenever I hear a piece of music I don't like, it's always by Villa-Lobos?" --Igor Stravinsky

"His music used to be original. Now it's aboriginal." --Sir Ernest Newman on Igor Stravinsky

"If he'd been making shell-cases during the war it might have been better for music." --Maurice Ravel on Camille Saint-Saens

"He has an enormously wide repertory. He can conduct anything, provided it's by Beethoven, Brahms or Wagner. He tried Debussy's La Mer once. It came out as Das Merde." --Anonymous Orchestra Member on George Szell

Someone commented to Rudolph Bing, manager of the Metropolitan Opera, that "George Szell is his own worst enemy." "Not while I'm alive, he isn't!" said Bing.

"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a lady cellist.

"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter." --Arturo Toscanini to the NBC Orchestra

"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again." --Sir Thomas Beecham to a musician during a rehearsal

"Jack Benny played Mendelssohn last night. Mendelssohn lost." --Anonymous

The great German conductor Hans von Buelow detested two members of an orchestra, who were named Schultz and Schmidt. Upon being told the Schmidt had died, von Buelow immediately asked, "Und Schultz?"

"Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed." --Ralph Novak on Yoko Ono

"Parsifal - the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20." --David Randolph

"One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time." --Gioacchino Rossini

"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music." --Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress

"Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brake on." --Sir Thomas Beecham on an unidentified soprano in Die Walkyre

You Might be from the Northwest

If:

  1. Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
  2. Use the expression: "sun break" and know what it means.
  3. Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
  4. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
  5. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
  6. Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
  7. Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
  8. Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one.
  9. Know the difference between Chinook, Steelhead, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
  10. Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, Calapooya, Umpqua and Willamette.
  11. Consider swimming an indoor sport.
  12. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
  13. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark while only working 8-hour days.
  14. Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass."
  15. Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
  16. Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks."
  17. Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
  18. Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Tully's.
  19. Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
  20. Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see them through the cloud cover.
  21. Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it.
  22. Feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't quite figure out why people can be so mean to him.
  23. Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
  24. Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
  25. Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
  26. Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
  27. Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake.
  28. You know you're from the NW if you buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
  29. You know 10 different words to describe "rain."
  30. In your garden you have more slugs than plants.

21st Century Tempo Markings and other Musical Atrocities

Adagio formaggio
To play in a slow and cheesy manner.
Al dente con tableau
In opera, chew the scenery.
AnDante
A musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei
A divine, beefy tone.
Antiphonal
Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
A patella
Unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura
An ornament you regret after playing it.
Approximatura
A series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of "I meant to do that."
Approximento
A musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.
Bar line
What musicians form after a concert.
Basso continuo
The act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.
Basso profundo
An opera about deep sea fishing.
Brake drum
The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.
Concerto grosso
A really bad performance.
Coral Symphony
(see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period).
Cornetti trombosis
Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage.
D.C. al capone
You betta go back to the beginning, capiche?
Dill piccolo
A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Diminuendo
The process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.
Eardrum
A teeny, tiny tympani.
Fermantra
A note that is held over and over and over and...
Fermoota
A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fiddler crabs
Grumpy string players.
Flute flies
Gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.
Fog horn
A brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Frugalhorn
A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
Gaul blatter
A French horn player.
Good conductor
A person who can give an electrifying performance.
Gregorian champ
Monk who can hold a note the longest.
Herbert von Carryon
A conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.
Kvetchendo
Gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade
A romantic song that's pretty awful.
Molto bolto
Head straight for the ending, but don't make it seem rushed.
Opera buffa
Musical stage production at a nudist camp.
Pipe smoker
An extremely virtuosic(k) organist.
Poochini
When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.
Pre-Classical Conservatism
School of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it".
Prelude
A cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing those singing the roles of the wicked to pray in an offensive or profane manner. (Pray lewd?)
(The) Rights of Strings
Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.
Spinet
Politician's order.
Spritzicato
Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Status cymbal
An instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls.
Tempo tantrum
What a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time with the conductor.
Timpani Alley
A row of kettledrums.
Tincanabulation
The annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso
A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

Old Age

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

Toothaches always start on Friday night right before the weekend when the Dental Office will be closed.

Sydney Olympics

Here are some of the classic questions being asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and some answers that may be appropriate.

I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy) (Sure, there's only 8 million of them)

I want to go swimming at Bondi Beach on October 20th. Will I turn blue? (Germany) (More likely brown, considering the effluent...)

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) (Depends on how much beer you've consumed...)

I plan to take some day trips during the Olympics. Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney for the Olympics - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) (Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for the Games...)

Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) (And accomplish what?)

It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) (I'm not touching this one...)

My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let her in? (South Africa) (Why? We do have toilet paper here...)

Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) (No, and we use shells for money too)

Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal) (???)

Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK) (Depends if you get an ugly one or not...)

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) (Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)

Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) (No. Everybody stinks.)

Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) (Yes, but only in sporting goods stores, peoples' garages, and most national parks...)

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) (Yes. At Christmas.)

Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)

Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) (What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) (A blonde?)

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) (Rattlesnakes? There is only serum for the Funnel Web and Red-Back Spiders. You will need to contend with White-Tail Spiders, Brown, Tiger and Red-Belly Black snakes, sharks, Red Kangaroos, Blue-ringed Octopuses and the 3am pub closing time/taxi change-over)

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) (Face North and you should be about right)

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) (Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) (Another blonde?)

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)

Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy) (Yes. Outdoors.)

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) (Yes, except in America.)

Pangrams

A Pair a' Doxes

Compiled by Robert Lockard.

Not everyone agrees on just what a paradox is. However, three descriptive terms keep popping up: Self-reference, contradiction, and vicious circle. Somebody once wrote that paradoxes are for people who aren't sure anymore what they think but haven't lost the habit of being dogmatic. Some examples:

"A truth is an error which is momentarily irrefutable. And that's the truth." -- UCLA graffi

"There are no errors in this book, except this one."

"Although our information is incorrect, we do not vouch for it." -- Satie

"If you turn on the light quickly enough you can see what the dark looks like."

"An advertisement offers to make your fortune, instructions sent on receipt of $10. The reply is -- 'Do as we do.'"

"Every exit is an entry somewhere else." -- Tom Stoppard

"The foot feels the ground when it feels the ground." -- Buddha

"It is forbidden to forbid." -- Wall in Paris, May 1968

The following resolutions were passed by the Board of Councilmen in Canton, Mi ssissippi: 1. Resolved, by this Council, that we build a new Jail. 2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the materials of the old jail. 3. Resolved, that the old jail be used until the new Jail is finished.

"God loves everyone in the world who doesn't love himself. Does God love God?" -- Teilhard de Chardin

"I'm still an atheist, thank God." -- Luis Bunuel

"Substance is one of the greatest of our illusions." -- Eddington

Socrates: "What Plato is about to say is false." Plato: "Socrates has just spoken truly."

"Charlie walked toward us carrying a handless axe without a blade." -- Lockard

"What happens to your fist when you open your hand?" -- Zen Buddhism [RL: it goes to the same place where your lap goes when you stand up; that's the same location where your last grin resides; or where the hole goes after the doughnut is eaten.]

"My reputation grows with every failure." -- Shaw

"A sadist is a person who is kind to a masochist."

"That mythical island, whose inhabitants earned a precarious living taking in each other's washing." -- Lewis Caroll

"The candidate had allowed television cameras into his hotel suite to watch him watch television."

"Before we put the motion: 'That the motion be now put,' should we not first put the motion: 'That the motion be now put' be now put?"

"What happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object? An inconceivable disturbance."

"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms." -- George Wald

"To endure what is unendurable is true endurance." -- Japanese proverb

"We can't leave the haphazard to chance." -- N.F. Simpson

"He spent his last shilling on a purse."

"I have always taken the tips of my fingers for the beginning of her hair." -- Edmond Jabes

"A solipsist is like the man who gave up turning round because whatever he saw was always in front of him." -- Ernst Mach

"A banker will lend you money only if you can prove you don't need it."

"One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it." -- Finley Peter Dunne

"If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living." -- Yiddish proverb

"You get the best view of Paris from the Eiffel Tower, because you can't see the Eiffel Tower from there." [RL: I agree perfectly (can we agree perfectly, but disagree imperfectly?), I was there and, indeed, could not see the Eiffel Tower even though that gave the best view of Paris.]

"The supreme triumph of reason is to cast doubt upon its own validity." -- Miguel de Unamuno

"The thing that astonished him was that cats should have two holes cut in their coat exactly at the place where their eyes are." -- Lichentberg [other astonishing facts: that our noses should be just so constructed that our spectacles fit just right upon them, or that we have precisely two legs so that they fit just right into our pants, or that rivers are placed just right so that they flow under the bridges, or that God has created our atmosphere just right so that it produces the oxygen to sustain life, or ...]

"We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"We had to destroy the village in order to save it." -- Major in the Mekong Delta

"I'm saying nothing and I mean it." "A ring is a hole with a rim round it."

"How to paint a perfect painting--make yourself perfect and then just paint naturally." -- Robert M. Pirsig

"To Wilde, a book on Italian literature showed a 'want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study'"

"The little I know, I owe to my ignorance." -- Sacha Guitry

"I'm so glad I don't like asparagus," said the small girl to a sympathetic friend. "Because if I did, I should have to eat it-- and I can't bear it!" -- Lewis Carol

-- Robert Lockard, who found the above paradoxes in exactly the same place where he had found them before; although they had not moved, they had changed location.

Useful phrases to know when travelling in Moslem areas

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Ping-Pong

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China [...] the bill failed, however, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Pirate Pickup Lines

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

(courtesy of Top10 Productions, by way of multiple layers of Internet plagiarism and memetic evolution).

  1. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?
  2. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
  3. Come on up and see me urchins.
  4. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
  5. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
  6. Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
  7. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
  8. Ya know, darlin?? I?? 97 percent chum free.
  9. Well blow me down?
  10. Prepare to be boarded.

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't).

Spelling Potato

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU.

A Pun is its Own Reword

Truly Bad Puns

Raednig is esay

The brain does amazing things, doesn't it? Just read the sentence straight through.

Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a word dosen't mttaer, the olny thnig thta's iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat ltteer of eevry word is in the crrecot ptoision. The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy.

Rules of Life

More Rules of Life

  1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
  2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
  3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
  4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
  5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
  6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
  7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
  10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
  11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
  13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
  15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
  16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
  17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
  18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
  19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
  20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
  21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
  23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
  24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Man's Three Rules When Getting Old

Rules of the Air

(from Australian Aviation magazine -- June 2000)

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane, used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which you can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. (Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice-versa.)
  12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
  15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round, and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal!
  24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you, and a second ago.

School Test and Alleged Answers

The following questions and answers were collected from tests given in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard; one of these may be the president someday [...] or may run for another term.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy:
The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory:
A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger:
An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
Biological Science:
A contradiction in terms.
Bunsen Burner:
A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.
Butyl:
An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant- smelling alcohol.
CAI:
Acronym for Computer-Aided Instruction. The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research.
Cavendish:
A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.
Chemical:
A substance that:
  1. An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
  2. an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
  3. a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
  4. a biochemist turns into a helix;
  5. a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
Chemical Engineering:
The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
Chromatography:
(From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.
Clinical Testing
The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)
Compound:
To make worse, as in:
  1. A fracture;
  2. the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.
Computer Resources:
The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.
Eigen Function:
The use to which an eigen is put.
En:
The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
Evaporation Allowance:
The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time.
Exhaustive Methylation:
A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion.
First Order Reaction:
The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.
Flame Test:
Trial by fire.
Genetic Engineering:
A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.
Grignard:
A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.
Inorganic Chemistry:
That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Mercury:
(From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.
Monomer:
One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
Natural Product:
A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.
Organic Chemistry:
The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
Partition Function:
The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.
Pass/Fail:
An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer.
Pharmacology:
The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
Physical Chemistry:
The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
Pilot Plant:
A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.
Polymer:
Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
Prelims:
(From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
Publish or Perish:
The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.
Purple Passion:
A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol.
Quantum Mechanics:
A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.
Rate Equations:
(Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
Research:
(Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.
Sagan:
The international unit of humility.
Scientific Method:
The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.
SI:
Acronym for Systeme Infernelle.
Spectrophotometry:
A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.
Spectroscope:
A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.
Toxicology:
The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
X-Ray Diffraction:
An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.
Ytterbium:
A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

Serendipity

Posted to comp.risks by Henry Baker <[email protected]>

Subject: Cancelling errors, serendipity in avoiding risks, and Kepler

Subtitle:

Serendipity = Error2 - Error1 ?, or
Serendipity = [Error1,Error2] using commutators!)

RISKS spends a lot of time bemoaning the negative side of errors. Perhaps more time should be given to "serendipity" which I loosely translate as "order from chaos". Serendipity is celebrated by authors and film-makers as the way to find love after some disastrous mistake. But science also proceeds in such ways.

A famous example is that of Kepler. I quote from Fundamentals of Astrodynamics by Roger Bate, Donald Mueller, and Jerry White, 1971, Dover ISBN 0-486-60061-0 (Sec 4.1, p. 178):

Kepler's first task was to determine the radius of the circle [of the orbit] and the direction of the axis connecting the perihelion and aphelion. At the beginning of a whole chapter of excruciating trial-and-error calculations, Kepler absentmindedly put down three erroneous figures for three vital longitudes of Mars, never noticing his error. His results, however, were nearly correct because of several mistakes of simple arithmetic committed later in the chapter which happened very nearly to cancel out his earlier errors.

At the end he seemed to have achieved his goal of representing within 2 arc-minutes the position of Mars at all 10 oppositions recorded by Tycho. But then without a word of transition, in the next two chapters Kepler explains, almost with masochistic delight, how two other observations from Tycho's collection did not fit: there was a discrepancy of 8 minutes of arc. Others might have shrugged off this minor discrepancy between fact and hypothesis [or fudged his numbers a la Newton's Moon]. It is to Kepler's everlasting credit that he made it the basis for a complete reformulation of astronomy. He decided that the sacred concept of circular motion had to go. [...]

Forgetting his earlier resolve to abandon circular motion he reasoned, again incorrectly, that, since speed was inversely proportional to distance, the line joining the sun (which was off-center in the circle) and the planet swept out equal areas in the orbit in equal times.

This was his famous Second Law--discovered before the First--a law of amazing simplicity, arrived at by a series of faulty steps which he himself later recognized with the observation: 'But these two errors--it is like a miracle--cancel out in the most precise manner, as I shall prove further down.'

The correct result is even more miraculous than Kepler realized since his explanation of why the errors cancelled was also erroneous!

The search for the source of errors is often times hugely more valuable than the original error. The progress of science is pretty much fueled by errors. How many times have you searched for a minor bug and in the process of correcting it fixed a major bug? (I seem to recall that David Moon, ex of Symbolics and Apple, used to call these "dead bears", probably having something to do with letting sleeping and/or dead bears alone.)

Snigets, by Rich Hall

ACCORDIONATED
(ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM
(ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE
(burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
BUZZACKS
(buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION
(kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP
(dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.
ECNALUBMA
(ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES
(eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELBONICS
(el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.
ELEVCELLERATION
(el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
FRUST
(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
NEONPHANCY
(ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PEPPIER
(pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PETOPHOBIC
(peh toe fo' bik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
PHONESIA
(fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS
(pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up.
Feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca-Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Taking Liberties: The Pluperfect Virus

By Bob Hirschfeld (Sunday, May 2, 1999; Washington Post Page B05).

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than last week's Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spellcheckers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company, 10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents, friends and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to " click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from Strunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems to run a foul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is [...]" and "in fact [...]".

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever encountered.

We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

Super S*P*A*M

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Qualifying Exam for Income Tax Form Designer

Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit is four hours.

HISTORY

Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.

MEDICINE

You will be provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You will have fifteen minutes.

PUBLIC SPEAKING

2500 riot-crazed aborigines will be turned loose in the classroom with you. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

BIOLOGY

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on our next election. Show who would have been our next President and why.

MUSIC

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

PSYCHOLOGY

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of Nicoa, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

SOCIOLOGY

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a full-scale experiment to test your theory.

MANAGEMENT SCIENCE

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm that can be used to optimize all managerial decisions. Design the systems interface and prepare all software necessary to program this algorithm on whatever computer may be selected by the examiner.

ENGINEERING

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle will be placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

ECONOMICS

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan on the wave theory of light and on the overcrowding of citizens band radio channels.

POLITICAL SCIENCE

Pick up the phone on the desk beside you and start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

EPISTEMOLOGY

Take a position for or against the truth. Prove the validity of your position.

PHYSICS

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiation on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.

PHILOSOPHY

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare this with the development of other kinds of thought.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE

Describe everything you know in detail. Be objective and specific.

EXTRA CREDIT

Define the universe. Give three examples.

The First Teaching Manual

August 3, 1750. Christopher Dock completed the first book of teaching methods. It was titlted "A Simple and Thoroughly Prepared School Management."

THE UNOFFICIAL MANUAL (for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors)

LATE HOMEWORK

  1. When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.

DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS

  1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
  2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.

LECTURES

  1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
  2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.

GRADING

  1. .Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance.
  2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading:
    20 % Name
    20 % Penmanship
    50 % Homework is stapled together
    10 % The work itself
    Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.

GRADING ERRORS

  1. If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A.

EXTRA CREDIT

  1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are:
    1. Solve the dining philosophers problem, using semaphores.
    2. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64.
    3. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit.
    4. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
    5. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
  2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it.

CHEATING

  1. .When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
  2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
    1. The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe, and Curly.
    2. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
    3. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
    4. The microphone is an output device.
    5. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds.
    6. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP.
    7. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory.
    8. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir".
    9. CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal.
    10. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing.

The Texas Test

  1. Which of the following foods should be fried?
    1. all foods
    2. all foods
    3. all foods
    4. all foods
  2. If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?
    1. True
    2. False
  3. What is 8 + 3?
    1. what?
    2. the number of people living in your trailer home
    3. fertilizer
    4. The number eight, Jesus, and the number three
  4. I will cheat on my husband:
    1. for a quart of Schlitz
    2. not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
    3. because he cheats on our daughter
    4. if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove
  5. I wash my underwear when:
    1. I go swimming with it on
    2. I wash my truck
    3. it gets brittle
    4. it rains
  6. I brush my teeth when:
    1. I wash my truck
    2. they bleed
    3. it rains
    4. Never. I don't have teeth
  7. How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?
    1. 15-20
    2. 21-25
    3. 26-30
    4. beer
  8. My favorite book is:
    1. TV Guide
    2. Jaws
    3. Bob Barker's Bio
    4. What is a book?
  9. Country music is so great because:
    1. it makes me cry
    2. it goes good with fried food
    3. they play it at all our favorite truck stops
    4. Black people can't dance to it
  10. Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than:
    1. Oprah
    2. okra
    3. a V8 engine
    4. greased up goats
  11. Cholesterol is:
    1. monster truck fuel
    2. a laxative
    3. a communist effort to overthrow Texas
    4. don't know
  12. Complete the sentence: "That ole boy
    1. is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
    2. is tougher than prison bacon."
    3. is uglier than a mud fence."
    4. is one little fork short of a fondue party"
  13. Women should:
    1. never clean house unless they're naked
    2. put gravy on everything
    3. cost less
    4. bait their own hook

Then and Now

1970 2000
Long Hair Longing for hair
The perfect high. The perfect high yield mutual fund.
KEG. EKG.
Acid Rock. Acid Reflux.
Moving to California because it's cool. Moving to California because it's warm.
Growing pot. Growing pot belly.
Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Seeds and stems. Roughage.
Popping pills, smoking joints. Popping joints.
Our president's struggle with Fidel. Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Paar. AARP.
Killer weed. Weed killer.
Hoping for a BMW. Hoping for a BM.
The Grateful Dead. Dr. Kevorkian.
Getting out to a new, hip joint. Getting a new hip joint.
Rolling Stones. Kidney stones.
Being called into the principal's office. Calling the principal's office.
Screw the system! Upgrade the system.
Peace sign. Mercedes logo.
Parents begging you to get your hair cut. Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Take acid. Take antacid.
Passing the driver's test. Passing the vision test.
"Whatever" "Depends"

Things I Learned

by Dave Barry

  1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  4. Never lick a steak knife.
  5. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
  6. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
  7. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
  8. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
  9. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  11. A penny saved is worthless.
  12. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
  13. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
  15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
  16. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  17. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
  18. Nobody is normal.
  19. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
  20. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
  21. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
  22. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  23. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  24. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  25. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  26. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
  27. Your friends love you anyway.
  28. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

A Brief History of Time

3050 B.C.: A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C.: Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1785 B.C.: The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C.: Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C.: The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear the next day.

525 B.C.: The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C.: Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C.: The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C.: Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China, and it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C.: Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year, and Y1K raises its ugly head.

79 A.D.: Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432: St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000: Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043: Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125: Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233: The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297: The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433: Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456: An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1492: Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

1508: Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

1513: Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of Youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

1522: Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568: Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

1607: The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618: Future generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

1642: Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.

1670: The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

1755: Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1758: New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first Indian reservation, which should have given Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from there on out.

1763: The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.

1770: The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

1773: Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.

1776: Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

1779: John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have not yet begun to fight!" causing the battered Marine sharpshooters in the rigging of the sinking ship to proclaim, "That ten percent never gets the word!"

1793: "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

1799: Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important; "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

1805: Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807: Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1815: Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

1840: William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

1850: Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

1859: Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

1894: Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

1903: The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

1910: The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

1920: The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops, except for the 40 million who don't stop.

1924: German Adolf Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

1928: Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

1930: Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

1933: Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

1934: John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

1934: As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

1938: Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of W.W.II.

1944: Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

Reservations Of An Airline Agent

(After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)
By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teen- age daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia.

They are the enemy and they are everywhere. In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."

It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA.

I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for. But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair."

I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be.

75% won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call. But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.

Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day."

More Travel Agent Horror Stories

The following are actual stories told to travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score lower than the rest of the world on geography).

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts; Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight; is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
  10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
  3. Families are like fudge---mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
  5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

  1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
  2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
  3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
  4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
  6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
  7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

  1. You believe in Santa Claus.
  2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
  3. You are Santa Claus.
  4. You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Advice from Mark Twain

The ultimate urban legend

Craig Shergold is a 10 year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before he dies, he would like to set the world record for receiving the most Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipes.

You can help Craig by sending an irate fax to LEXIS-NEXIS demanding that they remove all traces of your mother's maiden name from their executive washroom wall. They will respond by sending e-mail labeled "goodtimes" to the computer controlling Craig's life support equipment.

When Felippe Linz, the technician operating the computer opens this mail, his hard drive will be overwritten with thousands of credit card invoices for $250.00, erasing the last bit of evidence that Hilary was seen on the grassy knoll when JFK was shot, thus allowing world domination by Bill Gates, and his tri-lateral commission cronies who are eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the black helicopters with Elvis.

Even more urban legends

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, who was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman- Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates (It's true--I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld Vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e- mail to everyone I know).

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital--the one, actually where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e- mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e- mail he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people only will give you OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck FOR SEVEN YEARS!)

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

And its a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Product Warnings

The following are possible product warnings that might be required on a package of any and every product, based on the laws of physics.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe,Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass,and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

There Oughta be a Woid

arachnoleptic fit, n:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, n:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, n:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, n:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, n:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, n:
  1. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
  2. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, n:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
foreploy, n:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, n:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, n:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, n:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, n:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Writing Wrules

How to Write Better.

  1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  3. Employ the vernacular.
  4. Eschew ampersands and abbreviations, etc.
  5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
  7. Contractions aren't necessary.
  8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  9. One should never generalize.
  10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  13. Be more or less specific.
  14. Understatement is always best.
  15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  22. Don't never use a double negation.
  23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
  24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
  25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
  31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
  32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  38. The adverb always follows the verb.
  39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

[ Assorted Humor | Krishna Kunchithapadam ]

Last updated: Tue Jul 12 19:01:55 PST 2005
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