It seemed wrong that the weather was so beautiful. The room faced east and she had been watching the sun rise until it formed a blinding glare on the window panes. Her fingers folded, unfolded, refolded the ugly hospital gown. The pale blue fabric fanned over her stomach in undulating patterns. Because they were the only part of her that moved, the movements, even though they were slight, seemed grotesque against her still body.
She was alone for the moment. The doctors had finally convinced him to go home. He'd been standing sentinel by her bedside since they had admitted her into the hospital. After the first few hours, he'd given up the idea of making her talk and had contented himself with staring at her.
Shifting her legs beneath the blankets, she released a small puff of air. She hadn't expected to have to re-evaluate her life. Waking up in the middle of the night had been an unwelcome surprise. Waking up to find the Admiral and Harm flanking her like the lions in Trafalgar Square was worse. She shouldn't have called him. That was where she had screwed up. She should have known that despite everything that they had been through, he would swoop in and rescue her from herself. He'd been doing it for eight years and she supposed old habits were hard to break. Even when - her mind stopped at that thought.
A chair's legs scraped against the linoleum by her bed. She didn't have to turn her head to know it was Harm. She blinked against the sudden lack of sunlight. Bright blue and purple spots obscured her view of his face for a minute. He was dressed in a suit, elbows on knees, chin resting against steepled fingertips. He didn't smiled, didn't speak for a minute, just studied her face.
"I might not be able to get away with this," he said after a few minutes. "But the Admiral and I agreed."
"You." The word caught in her mouth and she cleared her throat to try again. "You talked to the Admiral?"
He nodded. "He's granting you leave while you get therapy. You can go through a private doctor and we'll try to keep this as quiet as possible."
"You can't force me into therapy," she said mildly.
"You tried to kill yourself." The words were said quietly but she could hear the anger behind them. Her fingers curled around the gown again, bunching it in her fists, before clawing at the blanket and pulling it up to neck. "Therapy seems like a reasonable step to me."
She sighed a little and looked away again. He put a finger under her chin and turned her head to face him. "You're going to get help, Mac. You have three choices. You can stay in the hospital-"
"No," she said quickly.
"You can get help from a private psychologist and stay with one of us." He waited to see her reaction. "Or we transfer you to Bethesda and the doctors there will treat you."
"You can't transfer me."
He took a deep breath. "I'll go to court, Mac. I'll bring in the doctors who were here last night and I'll petition the courts. I'll try my damnedest to get an order to show cause to have this done immediately."
He waited a minute. From his raised eyebrows, she guessed that he was expecting a reaction from her. For a minute, something flared up and railed against the bullying tactics. But it died just as quickly as it appeared. Exhaling slowly, she said, "You can't do that."
"Yes. I can. I may not succeed, but I can certainly try. And I can do it loudly."
"That's blackmail."
"You tried to kill yourself," he bit the words off in hard syllables. "You have no leverage in this." He pushed the chair back as he stood up. In an awkward gesture of affection, he patted her shoulder. "I wouldn't do this if I didn't care. Call me when they release you and I'll pick you up."
Halfway across the room, he turned back to face her. "I have the name of a psychiatrist. Someone recommended her. He said she was very good. I'll make the appointment for you." His mouth tilted up at the corners. "Try to get some rest, Sarah. I'll be back later this afternoon to check up on you."
She
waited until he left the room before she started to cry. It had seemed
like such an easy solution to her problems before. And now, now her life
was more of a mess than it had ever been. Hiccupping, she closed her eyes
and prayed for sleep.