AN: I normally don’t do songfics, it always seems like cheating to me. But I heard Dido’s newest- White Flag- and I couldn’t resist. Blame it on a sappy holiday cheer-LOL.

Jag Headquarters
Sarah Mackenzie’s Office
2245 Local

It was late, but working late was nothing new for her, especially lately. It was easier is she kept busy. If she kept thinking at bay. When she looked up, she realized everyone had gone home and the bullpen was dark.

Closing the file she was working on, she allowed her attention to drift to the song playing softly on her radio. She almost laughed when she heard the opening lyrics.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Mac sighed, wishing she had the courage to actually say the words to him. But what would it change? He had moved on. In point of fact, she’d given him no other choice. Cursing softly under her breath, she rubbed her eyes with both hands, heedless of makeup. There was no one to see now, or care.

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well that was the truth. She finally had faced the truth, unpalatable as it might be. She loved him and always would. For all the good it did her. The tears welled, but she battled them back. He may have loved her, but she’d never know now. She probably never would have known anyway, he couldn’t say the words. He was great on the grand gesture, but terrible at follow-up.

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

God had she ever left too much mess. It hadn’t taken more than one day for her to realize there was no chance of anything with Clay. She was just lucky he didn’t hate her too. Somehow he had known before she had to say anything. He’d just smiled sadly at her that last day in the hospital and let her go. No recrimination. Just…calm resignation.

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And here she was again. Stuck back in the same old cycle. Like a hamster on a wheel. Only now it was worse. She was the one who had slammed the door on “them”. True, he’d been snide. But she’d been equally snide. Their trademark banter had degenerated so quickly into nasty sniping she couldn’t think which way was up. And when she’d had one clear moment of relief that it was over, he couldn’t let her enjoy it. He’d kept on sniping. And something in her had just snapped. The words were out before she knew what she was saying.

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

There really wasn’t much else she could do. Of course they’d meet again. Every day, in the office. Sighing, she swiveled her chair around and stared out into the night. How had her life degenerated into this? How had their friendship? The tears bubbled up again, and this time she let them fall. At least he was being polite, even superficially friendly to her.

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well, that was the worst. This surface of civility, this pretense of…of…what? She wanted to believe there was more, bubbling beneath that careful veneer of professional courtesy, but she couldn’t fool herself. Whatever he had felt for her, she’d strangled it. If only she could explain…it had been the stress…the lack of sleep….the reaction to the whole of everything that had happened. It hadn’t been how she really felt.

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

But it was way too late. Better now to accept it. She allowed a soft sob to escape. The dreams she’d held for so long were ashes now. She was allowed to wallow in it a little.

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Leaning back, she closed her eyes against the tears. She was tired, so very tired of it all. Somehow, she had to figure out a way to survive this. She’d survived pain before, she just had to be tough.

Another sob escaped her. She was tired of being tough.

“Mac?” Oh God, it was Harm.

Striving to make her voice normal, she didn’t turn right away. “Yes?” Surreptitiously she wiped the tears as she swiveled her chair around to face him.

“Can we talk?”

She caught the look of concern in his eyes, but looked away, trying to appear casual. “About what?” She busied herself moving files around on her desk.

His hand stopped one of hers, and held it. Leaning over the desk, he forced her to meet his gaze once more. “About us.”

The End

Sorry- I couldn’t resist putting that last little bit in. I am constitutionally unable to not “fix” things-LOL.

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