| Choices Chapter 2 |
| What would we do without our friends? |
| Jack stood looking out the window of his office, not really seeing anything. He had awakened this morning to find himself still alone; Lennie hadn�t come back to bed. // And why should he? // Once again he had managed to hurt the person he loved, and this time he couldn�t even blame the booze. He had done this all by himself. Well, not quite. He could blame her. When he got out of the shower, he had realized Lennie�s towel was still dry, and went to the second bedroom to check on him. Lennie had obviously fallen asleep without setting an alarm; he was still sound asleep. He reached out and gently shook his shoulder. �Lennie. Get up. You�re late.� Lennie�s eyes fluttered open and gradually focused on him. �Jack.� It was almost an accusation. �You forgot to set an alarm. I�ll get out of your way.� While Lennie was in the shower, he had taken off; the pain in his lover�s eyes was more than he could handle. But now he wished he had said something, anything, to break the painful silence between them. He reached out to call Lennie, but realized he didn�t know what to say. He wished he had someone to talk to, to help him figure out how to clean up this mess he had made. He thought about calling Abbie, but got a busy signal on her cell. Just then Serena came in with some questions about a case, so he forced himself to focus on work, his old standby when it came to dealing with problems. Ed looked up as Lennie came over to his desk, a good half hour late. �Hey, man, you�re late.� Lennie looked at him across their desks. �Leave it, Ed.� His voice was flat, lifeless. �Damn, Lennie, you look like shit.� �I said leave it.� //Uh oh � eggshells today. // Ed decided to leave it. For now. He sighed and left Lennie to stew over whatever it was and got up to get a refill on his coffee. While Ed was gone, Lennie dug out his cell phone. The number was programmed there, just press one button. He held his breath until finally a familiar voice answered. �Hello?� �Abbie? I need your help, sweetie.� �Lennie? What�s wrong?� �Everything. Can you meet me for lunch?� Abbie was worried; Lennie�s voice sounded really shaky. �Yeah, of course. Meet me at the deli at noon?� �Can we meet at your place instead?� OK, now she was really worried. �Sure, Lennie.� �Thanks. Gotta run.� He snapped the phone shut. Ed had seen him stashing the phone, but decided discretion was the better part of valor today and left it alone. It was obvious that Lennie wasn�t going to be much good today, so he dove back into the stack of backed-up paperwork he had been working on waiting for Lennie to get in. Just before lunch, Abbie told her boss she had a personal emergency to take care of, then headed back to her apartment. When the doorbell rang, she opened it to see Lennie standing there looking like he had lost his best friend. �Abbie �� She had to eliminate her worst fear: �Is Jack OK?� He nodded as she steered him to the couch and sat beside him. He looked up at her. �It�s over, Abbie.� Lennie looked like he was about to fall apart. �Tell me what happened.� �Not what. Who. Danielle Melnick.� Abbie shook her head. �Lennie, they�ve known each other for almost 20 years. They�re friends, yes, but �� �She came to see him yesterday. Wanted to find out if the rumors were true. She wouldn�t accept it, made a pass at him. He turned her down, but spent the rest of the day thinking about her. Even last night when we were together, he was thinking of her.� Despite his best effort to contain them, the tears spilled over. �Lennie, no!� She wrapped her arms around him, making gentle shushing sounds. He laid his head on her shoulder and finally gave himself over to the tears he had held back all night. She held him, wondering how to approach this. Finally, his sobs stopped. She knew he was hurting, but she had to snap him out of it. �Lennie, when did you and Jack get married?� �Huh?� �You�re acting as if he�s already promised you you�re the only one. Oh, I know you both probably assumed it, but did anybody ever actually PROMISE anything?� �No.� �OK, then stop acting like it�s the end of the world. What Jack did was rude, yes. But try to see it from his perspective. Lennie, he�s bi, not gay. I don�t think either one of you really understands yet what that means. No one person can ever satisfy all his desires. The old rulebook you�re used to doesn�t apply here. You both have to accept that and start negotiating YOUR rules, not making assumptions.� Lennie stared at her, the knot of fear in his stomach finally loosening. She smiled at him and took his hand. �Think about it, Lennie. Most couples go through stages of courtship; dating, getting serious, making a conscious choice to live together or get married. You two skipped all the intermediate steps since you already lived there. No time for negotiation, learning what each of you want. You just assumed it was traditional monogamy with a twist. And you know where assumptions get you.� Lennie gave up a grudging smile. She squeezed his hand. �This is a good thing, Lennie. It will force you two to talk, examine those assumptions. I think he needs to explore this thing with Danielle; it sounds like it�s taken a pretty strong hold on him. So let him. And while you�re at it, maybe you should also explore what it means to you to be gay; not just with Jack. The smile had vanished. �Are you saying we should break up?� �No, Lennie. But maybe take a step or two back. I think maybe you should move out for a bit. Still see him, but each of you see others as well. Then if you do decide to get back together full time, it will be a conscious choice, not an assumption. And you can choose what promises you want to make to each other. Better all around.� She could see he was having difficulty accepting the idea. �Lennie, did you ever hear that old saying: �If you love something, set it free. It if returns, it is yours. If not, it never was.� I think you have to have the courage to set him free, Lennie. I think he�ll come back to you once he remembers that the sex wasn�t really any better, just different.� Lennie sighed and leaned against her. �I used to get my courage out of a bottle, Abbie. I�m going to need some help to find that much courage now.� �Hey, I�m always here for you, girlfriend!� Lennie had to laugh at her affectionate term for him. He nodded. �So where do I live?� Abbie smiled. �You�re welcome to crash here for a couple of days until you sort something out; I don�t have a lot of room, but you�re welcome to the couch.� Lennie blushed. �It may be old fashioned, but I don�t think I could stay here with you.� She laughed. �I had a feeling you�d say that. How about Rey?� Lennie shook his head. �Number one, I really don�t feel like explaining the details of this to him; he�s OK with it as it is, but I don�t want to listen to him telling me that this is for the better, and number two, if I am going to �come out� I don�t want it affecting the girls.� Abbie nodded. �OK, then how about Ed?� That one caught him off guard. �You know, I never would have thought of that. That just might work � if I can keep from killing him.� Abbie chuckled. �I think you can manage for a while. Who knows, you two might even have fun.� Lennie raised an eyebrow. �Not like that, you idiot,� she laughed. �But at least YOU thought of the possibility!� // oh, god, I did, didn�t I? // Almost against his will, a smile crept across his face. �That�s better. It really isn�t the end of the world, Lennie. Trust me � you�ll see.� When Lennie finally made it back to the station, Ed flagged him down in the parking lot. �Lieu wants us to head over to Jersey and track down a lead that just came in on the Martinson case. Told her we�d leave right away. That was an hour ago; she thinks we�ve been gone since then.� Lennie sighed as he got into the passenger side; Ed could drive this trip. �Thanks for covering for me, partner.� �Hey, you�d do the same for me if I looked as bad as you did this morning. You OK now?� Lennie shook his head. �I don�t know, Ed, but at least I�m no longer convinced it�s the end of the world.� �You wanna talk? It�s a long trip to south Jersey, man.� So over the next hour, Lennie filled Ed in on the soap opera that his love life had become. �OK, let me get this straight � he�s doin� you but thinking he�s doin� her? That�s just RUDE, man! So what are you gonna do about it?� �Set him free, Ed. See if he comes home.� Ed looked confused for a minute, then remembered the proverb. �But it�s his place, ain�t it?� �Yeah. So I gotta move out.� �You got someplace to go?� �I was kinda hoping my partner would take me in for a while until I figure something out.� Ed was momentarily nervous about having his gay partner crashing at his place, then he decided he was being stupid. �Sure, man. When you going to do this?� �I don�t know. Still have to have the big confrontation. Maybe Friday night.� �OK, well, I�ll get you a key made. If I�m out, you can just let yourself in. �Thanks, Ed. This means a lot.� �Hey, as long as you stay on the couch, we�ll be fine.� His expression took the sting out of the words; he was obviously just egging Lennie on. Lennie laughed. �What, you think you�re so hot I won�t be able to keep my hands off you?� �That�s what all the women tell me. Prime specimen of manhood. It that�s what turns you on, plenty of it right here!� �Keep that up and I might just be tempted to try!� After Lennie left, Abbie debated whether to call Jack. She was a little worried after what happened the last time Lennie had come to her during a crisis, but she was pretty sure that Jack wouldn�t mind her knowing, especially now that she didn�t work for him anymore. She was also certain that he didn�t have anybody else he could talk to about this, and that it was probably eating him up inside. That made her decision. Jack ended up being grateful to Serena for keeping him distracted most of the morning, even if he did have to put up with the eager puppy attitude. But when she finally left for a late lunch, his depression returned full force, and he was back to staring out the window when the phone rang. �Hey, Jack, it�s Abbie.� His spirits lifted just at the sound of her voice. �Hey yourself! God, am I glad to hear from you. I tried to call you earlier but your line was busy.� �I was talking to Lennie. Are you OK?� �I don�t know, Abbie. I�m so confused.� �Jack, will you let me help this time?� He sighed. �Yeah. I need help on this one.� �Good. Why don�t you come over after work � I don�t think we want to discuss this anyplace public.� �Thanks, Abbie.� Did she hear a catch in his voice there at the end? The afternoon seemed to go on forever, but finally 5 o�clock came and he was able to abandon any pretense of working, change back into jeans, and head down to get his cycle from the garage. Abbie�s apartment wasn�t far from the office; he hoped he wouldn�t get there before she did. She opened the door and saw him standing there, helmet in hands, the look on his face a curious blending of his sadness at the circumstances with happiness at seeing her. She decided to set the tone for their �new� relationship as friends by wrapping her arms around him and kissing his cheek. He was flustered for a moment, used to a more professional relationship. But as soon as he realized that things had in fact changed, he gratefully returned the hug. �Thanks, Abbie. I needed that.� They sat together on the couch. �OK, so tell me what happened.� Jack looked confused. �I thought you already knew?� �No, I know what Lennie thinks happened. Not the same thing.� Jack sighed. �What can I say, Abbie. I was a real jerk.� �Start from the beginning, OK? Leave the judgements to me.� Jack raised an eyebrow, but settled in to tell the sad tale. How Danielle had come to him, wanting to know about the rumors. The pass. His reaction. �I turned her down, Abbie. Didn�t even pause to think about it. But then I spent the rest of the day thinking about it. I just couldn�t get it out of my mind. Even later when we were together �� He sighed, his regret at hurting Lennie clearly evident. She wrapped her arm around his shoulders and squeezed. �You didn�t mean to hurt him, Jack. He knows that. But it�s probably a good thing this has come up now. You�ve said you�re bisexual, but I don�t think you have the foggiest idea of what it means or whether you really are.� �What does it mean?� �Different things to different people. For some, it�s what you assumed; you can go either way. But for others, it means NEEDING both. You need to figure out what it means for Jack McCoy. If you don�t, every time you look at a woman, Lennie will have every right to get jealous, and that�s no way to build a life together. Find out now if your preference for women is so strong that eventually your �special exception� for him won�t be enough. If not for yourself, you owe that to Lennie. Or maybe you�ll find out you really do want both; in that case you�re going to have to figure out if you and Lennie can share. I know lots of people with �open marriages� and it can work. Or you might even find that the only reason you obsessed about this is because it�s been so long since you had a woman you just wanted one last comparison to be sure it didn�t give you anything more than you get with Lennie. You�ve both got to understand what you each need if there�s any chance of long term happiness.� �So you think I should go out with Danielle?� �Absolutely.� �But what about Lennie?� �You two need to talk about that.� �Did you discuss it with him earlier?� �Yes. You have a lot of things to work out together, Jack. I�m here as a friend to both of you, I may nudge here and there, might even smack you upside the head if you get really stupid about something, but ultimately you have to work it out with him.� He ran his hands through his hair. �All this because of one little pass? Am I that messed up, Abbie?� She laid her hand on his arm. �I know it seems like a lot. But you know what, Jack? Anything worth having is worth working for. I think Lennie�s worth it, don�t you?� When Jack got home, the apartment was empty. For a frightening moment he thought Lennie had left for good, then he noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. He sighed with relief as he heard Lennie�s voice: �Hey, Jack, Ed and I had to head down to Jersey on a case. I won�t be home till late � don�t wait up. And Jack � it�s OK, we�ll work through this. Love you.� He felt the sting of tears, squeezed his eyes tight against them. When Lennie got home late that night, he found Jack asleep on the couch. He gently woke him. �Lennie. What time is it?� �10 o�clock.� �Lennie �� Lennie sighed. �I know, Jack. We need to talk, but it�s too late now.� Jack nodded. �I talked to Abbie today too. Lennie, can you ever forgive me?� �You know it�s more complicated than that, Jack. But yeah, I forgive you. Come on, let�s go to bed.� He offered Jack a hand up off the couch and they went back to bed together. He fell asleep with Jack�s arm wrapped around him. Continue to Chapter 3 Send me some feedback Back to the Story Index Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just borrowing them for fun, not profit. |
 |