faith6

Faith Chapter 6

Conversations with old friends . . .

Jack had to admit he had thoroughly enjoyed the cookout; it was nice for a change to be part of a normal, all-American family, even if only for a while. But finally the sky darkened and they moved inside, and Adam led Jack back to his study. With the door closed behind them, Jack braced himself for the real reason for this visit.

Adam went to the bar, reaching for his best bottle of scotch. �None for me, Adam.� He turned, looking at Jack with an expression of �who are you and what have you done with Jack McCoy?� Jack shrugged. �I�ve got so much to tell you, Adam. But please, don�t abstain on my account.� Adam turned back to the bar and poured himself a very large glass; he had a feeling he was going to need it.

They sat in a pair of comfortable old wing back chairs. Jack hesitated, not sure where to begin. �I�ve missed you, Adam. I don�t think I realized how much until I called you in March.� Adam nodded. �Hell, Jack, we worked together for almost 30 years.� Jack grimaced. �Don�t remind me, Adam. I�m feeling old enough as it is.� �So where does that leave me?� �Ahead of the game as usual.� Jack laughed as Adam harrumphed.

Adam sat back and studied his friend. �What�s on your mind, Jack?�

Jack sighed and dove in. �I�ve finally found someone, Adam. Someone I love more than I ever thought I could. Someone who finally made me get over Claire.� Adam nodded. "About damned time, Jack. So why aren't you smiling? Is it Miss Carmichael? You're afraid I'll be upset that you're still dating your assistant?"

Jack shook his head. "Oh, Adam, if only it were that simple. No, I've finally broken that habit. They got so young while I wasn't looking!" Adam laughed. "Well, it's nice to see you finally grew up. So what's so traumatic about this new woman in your life?" Jack bit his lip; this was the point of no return. "It's not a woman."

Adam sat back; this he had not expected. Jack with another man? The most skirt-chasing ADA he had ever worked with? Jack's love life had been infamous in the DA's office. And now he was changing sides? He took a long pull on his scotch.

Jack sat there, waiting for Adam's response. He was glad he didn't have a drink in his hand; he was so nervous he was sure he'd have dropped it. After what felt like an eternity, Adam spoke. "So who is this man who stole your heart?" "Lennie." "Briscoe? Your 'roommate'?" Jack nodded. Adam thought about it and realized that it made an odd sort of sense. They were
both driven workaholics, unsuited to the demands of family life. They had found a unique life together that seemed to work for them. Jack's attitude had certainly improved after Lennie had moved in with him. Maybe this wasn't so surprising after all.

Adam took another sip of his drink and made a face. "Well, I can't say I saw this coming, Jack, but maybe I should have. You're sure about this?" Jack felt relief coursing through his veins; Adam wasn�t rejecting this. He knew there hadn�t been much chance of that, but still, he had been worried. He hadn�t wanted to admit to himself how much he needed Adam�s approval. For the first time, he smiled. "Yeah, I'm sure. I can't remember when I've ever been happier. I still can't really explain it, but it works." Adam nodded. "In the end, Jack, that's all that really matters. If this was strong enough to get you to finally stop moping about Claire Kincaid, then it must be something special. So how did this happen?"

�It was back at Thanksgiving � the day I was attacked.� Adam nodded. �I thought you were leaving something out when you told me about it.� �I just couldn�t do this over the phone, Adam.   I needed to see your eyes, know that you didn�t hate me for this.� Adam sat back, stunned that Jack could even think such a thing. �Now what made you think that was even an option?� Jack shook his head. �The whole thing was so tied up with memories of my old man, Adam. He would have killed me for this.� He looked up into his friend�s eyes. �You�ve been more of a father to me than he ever was, Adam. I guess I needed your approval to override his rejection.�

Adam wasn�t sure what to say to that. Jack had always been more than an employee, more than his prot�g�; and yet never in all their long years had they ever truly acknowledged what they both knew. Adam realized now more than ever how much Jack had needed a father figure in his life, someone he could look up to and aspire to be like. And while his own children had given him great pleasure and pride, none of them had followed in his footsteps. In some ways Jack was more of a son to him than David, Brian�s father. But for all his eloquence in the courtroom, when it came to personal matters Adam had always been tongue-tied.

Finally, he just let his actions speak for him. He reached out and laid his hand over Jack�s on the arm of the chair. �You have it, son. Don�t ever doubt that.� Their eyes met; Jack was nearly overwhelmed by the joy Adam�s words brought. // Son! // �Thank you,� was all he could manage to say.

Adam leaned back and took another drink of his scotch. He could see how deeply his words had affected Jack. �Sure you don�t want one of these?�

That brought Jack back to reality. �I can�t, Adam. Never again.� Adam looked at him, concerned. �What happened?�

�You know me, Adam, I can never take the easy road. If there�s a way to complicate a relationship, I�ll find it.� Adam made a face. �At least you recognize that.� Jack sighed. �It�s been an interesting couple of months, Adam. You have to understand something. Despite everything I�ve told you, I�m not gay.� Adam raised an eyebrow, wondering if Jack was just �not dealing� with this the way he often buried his problems. �Skoda says I�m primarily attracted to women, but there is some small corner of my psyche that can go both ways. So it�s kind of like Lennie is my special exception. And sometimes the dominant straight part of my mentality tries to reassert itself. And between that and all the church nonsense about sex in general and gay sex in particular, I got to feeling guilty for wanting this.�

Adam sighed. �And as usual you were way too hard on yourself.� �Am I that predictable?� Adam snorted. �Some things, yes. And let me guess the next step � you kept the guilt locked inside, didn�t talk to your lover about it, didn�t let anyone else help you.� He gazed into Jack�s eyes, challenging him to dispute his analysis. Jack looked away. �I thought as much.�

�I think that lesson is finally getting through, Adam.� He looked up again and continued his story. �I froze, Adam. Right in the middle of things, I froze, and I pushed him away. And for about two weeks, I let it fester, eating away at me, until I snapped.�

He took a deep breath, wishing he had a glass of scotch to help get through this. // No! That�s what got me into this in the first place! // �I found out Lennie had been talking to Abbie about it. It seems she's not exactly the 'innocent' you might expect ..." Adam smirked. "I for one never figured her for an 'innocent,' Jack." That caused Jack's eyebrow to climb almost off his forehead. He shook his head and continued his story. "I lost it, Adam. There was so much crap going through my head. I was feeling emasculated both because I . . . couldn't, and at the same time I wanted �� He just didn�t feel right getting into graphic detail, so he hedged. �something that I thought I shouldn�t want, and I was just so confused. When I realized Abbie knew, it was more than my fragile male ego could take. I threw her out of my office and buried myself in a bottle of scotch."

Jack bowed his head, deeply ashamed of his recent actions. �I passed out over my desk, Adam. Nora almost fired me for it when she came back the next week. Lennie had to drag me home. We had a big fight; I tried to blame it all on him. I said some really awful things.� He couldn�t go on. Adam got up, went to the bar and poured him a glass of water. He handed Jack the glass and perched on the arm of the chair. �It�s not scotch, Jack, but . . .� Jack sighed heavily and took the glass. �Thanks, Adam.� He drank deeply, then took a deep breath and started again. �Lennie stormed out, and I just crawled into bed to sleep it off. The next morning, I realized he never came home. We didn�t find him until noon � he had gotten mugged while wandering around after he left.� Jack finally looked up into his mentor�s eyes. �Adam, I thought I was going to die those long hours when he was gone. I was afraid I was going to lose him just like I lost Claire, after a fight. I couldn't take that again."

Adam nodded; he could see the pain in Jack�s eyes. // Keep things going, don�t let him dwell on this. // �But you didn�t.� Jack took a deep breath. �No, thank god. Not only was he alive, but he was willing to forgive me. He said the hard part would be forgiving myself. There was something in his voice, I don�t know, it just sounded like he was quoting someone. As if someone had said that to him once before. Suddenly it all snapped into focus, Adam. Just like my old man, I had hurt the person I loved most while I was drunk. I think I knew after Claire died that I was dangerously close to the line. I thought the danger was gone since it had been so long since I had needed to get drunk. But all it took was one drunken rage to nearly get Lennie killed. I don�t want to risk that ever again.�

Adam looked at him and considered how much to say. �I�m glad, Jack. I was worried you had crossed the line, but I knew you had to figure it out yourself. If only for that, I�m glad for your relationship with Briscoe. He�s AA, right?� Jack nodded. �He�ll help you. If you�ll let him. You got a second chance this time, Jack. Don�t blow it.� �Like I said, Adam, I think that lesson is finally starting to get through my thick skull.�

Adam sat back down in his chair. "Jack, I know you, and I know how AA works. They want you to put your faith in a �higher power.� That's fine for some people, Jack. But you�ve always struggled with faith. You call yourself a Catholic, but you�ve never been one to buy into dogma. You�re too independent. And given your new awareness of your sexuality, I get the feeling the Church isn�t the right place for you. If you need something to believe in, Jack, believe in yourself. I know that�s not what they �preach.� But it�s what�s right for you. If you believe you can conquer the booze, you will. Put your faith in yourself, and in Briscoe's love, and you can achieve anything.�

Jack sat back and thought about Adam�s words. Could it be that simple? And yet it felt right. He sighed. �Adam, sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself.� Adam shrugged. �I see the big picture, Jack. You�ve always been a detail person. Sometimes you need both perspectives.� Jack nodded and yawned, exhausted by the long day and the intensity of their conversation. Adam stood, offering him a hand up. �Get some rest, Jack. You look beat.� Jack took the offered hand, and paused to face his mentor.   �I don�t think I ever told you how much I need you, Adam. I�m not sure I ever told myself. But you�ve always been there for me . . .�    Their eyes met; no more words were needed. For just a moment, Adam squeezed his hand, then let go. Jack smiled. �Night, Adam.� �Mmmph.� With his trademark curt nod, Adam turned toward his bedroom, and Jack headed upstairs to his.

The funeral home was getting ready to close at 9PM. Olivia and Serena had gone home earlier with their grandparents; little Isabel had stayed home with Debra�s sister. Lennie and Anita had made their exit a little earlier, but not before Lennie made Rey promise to call if he needed anything. �And this time I mean it, OK?� Rey nodded. �I get the message, Lennie.�

Finally, all the guests were ushered out. Rey went out to his car, feeling drained. The girls would already be asleep, he didn�t want to disturb them. But he was feeling restless. Reconciling with Lennie earlier had eased a terrible hurt he hadn�t even been aware he�d been carrying. It had been lost in all the other hurts. If only he had someone to talk to �

He didn�t even realize that he was driving to Lennie�s apartment until he was almost there. He knew Lennie had to work tomorrow, he had no right to show up unannounced. But he kept hearing his partner�s words, �Anything, Rey. Anything.� He found a parking space on the street right across from the building; he took it as a sign.

Lennie had gotten back from the funeral home exhausted but almost happy. Making things right with Rey had taken a terrible weight from his mind. He hung up his suit and quickly changed into pajamas. He chuckled as he realized how seldom he wore them anymore; but tonight with Jack gone, it just seemed to feel right. He wondered if Jack�s talk with Adam was as gratifying as his day had been.

He knew he should make an early night of it, but he was feeling restless. He headed into the kitchen to find something to calm him down, and was just pouring a glass of milk to go with the oreos when he heard a knock on the door. // Who the hell is that at this hour? //

Rey had decided to knock instead of using the doorbell, figuring that if Lennie was awake he�d hear the knock. He was just turning to leave when he heard the lock snap open. Lennie looked out at him. �Rey! Are you OK?�

He hesitated. �I know it�s late, Lennie, but I was hoping we could talk?� Lennie�s heart all but melted. He smiled warmly. �Sure, Rey. Come on in.� Rey looked around, wondering if they were alone. �Where�s Jack?� �He went up to see Adam Schiff this weekend. He�ll be back Monday for the funeral.� Rey nodded, relieved. He had to admit that not only did he want the time to talk to his old partner, but part of him was glad he didn�t have to see them together just yet.

Lennie motioned toward the couch. �Can I get you something?� Rey shook his head and sat down. Lennie took the facing chair. �What�s on your mind, Rey?� He looked up into Lennie�s eyes. �I�m just so confused, Lennie. I just don�t know what to believe anymore!�

He buried his face in his hands. Lennie kept quiet, letting Rey find a place to start. Finally he looked up. �Lennie, there was a reason I overreacted to your news. I�ve been so full of doubts lately. I�ve always been so sure of everything. I believed everything the church taught. But lately I can�t make it make sense. Why did Debra have to go through this? Why put her on this earth just to take her away like this? What did she do to deserve this? For a while I thought I was the one being punished, for my infidelity. But she shouldn�t have to suffer for that, and believe me, Lennie, she suffered.� Lennie sighed. �Rey, don�t you dare blame yourself! You�ve been a cop long enough. You know bad stuff happens to good people all the time.�

Rey nodded. �I know, Lennie. Just like I know you�re one of the good guys, no matter what the church says. But knowing and believing aren�t the same thing.� Rey looked away from him, not wanting to meet his eyes. �Lennie, I am so sorry I hurt you. But it was just one more thing where what I BELIEVED wasn�t matching up with what I KNEW. I couldn�t think straight � hell, I couldn�t think about it at all. I was so tired, Lennie. . .�

Lennie reached out to lay his hand on Rey�s arm.   �This has been hard on you, too, Rey. Working full time, taking care of Debra, and taking care of the girls. You�ve been pulling three full time jobs at once. When was the last time you had a good night�s sleep?� Rey finally looked at him again. �Before last night? I don�t remember.� He buried his head in his hands again. Lennie sighed. �No wonder you�re exhausted.� Rey nodded. �It�s not just that, Lennie. For months now, since I realized there wasn�t going to be a miracle here, I�ve been praying that God take her soon so I could get some rest.� He hadn�t even Confessed this yet. But somehow it was easier to tell Lennie, and he desperately needed to tell someone.

Lennie realized what this admission cost Rey. He was determined to somehow take all the guilt onto himself. Lennie wasn�t going to let that happen. He got up and came around to sit next to his friend. �Listen, Rey. You didn�t do anything wrong. You wished for an end to her suffering � and yours. That�s all.� He gently laid his hand on his friend�s back, hoping to provide reassurance, praying Rey wouldn�t cringe at the contact. He needn�t have worried; Rey accepted it, leaning into Lennie�s shoulder. �What do I do now, Lennie? How do I go on?�

The memories of Cathy�s death had been hovering just outside his consciousness all evening. They spilled over now. His voice was shaky as he answered. �You just do, Rey. You lean on your friends, you hold on to the parts of your faith that give you strength, and ignore the parts that trouble you for right now. Believe that she�s in a better place now, don�t think about the why�s. Later on, when you�re thinking more clearly, you can reevaluate some of your long-held beliefs. But for right now, just hold on to whatever helps you; whether it�s the church or your family or even your crazy mixed-up former partner.� He looked down, saw the barest hint of a smile and wrapped his arm the rest of the way around Rey�s back, squeezing gently. �Thanks, Lennie.� �Hey, I told you a long time ago, I�m here if you need me. You�re as bad as Jack when it comes to letting your friends help you.�

Lennie decided some distraction was exactly what Rey needed right now. �Hey, listen, I was just about to break into a package of oreos when you got here. Want some?� Rey managed a smile. �Sure, why not?�

They got up and moved to the kitchen table for a late-night cookies-and-milk festival. Lennie watched with amusement as Rey twisted open each cookie, eating each half separately. �You�ve been around kids too long, Rey!� he teased, pointing to the split cookie as he simply dunked his into the glass of cold milk. Rey laughed. �I didn�t even realize I�d picked up that habit!�

After the first few rounds, Rey settled back and looked at his friend. �Lennie, can I ask you something?� �Sure.� �How did you know? About Jack, I mean.� Lennie sighed. �Man, you go straight for the million dollar question, huh?� �Hey, if you don�t want to talk about it, that�s fine.� He studied the expression on Rey�s face; it looked like he really wanted to know. �No, I don�t mind. I just didn�t expect you to be interested.� Rey shrugged. �I�ve known you a long time, Lennie, and I never suspected anything. I guess I was just wondering if this was there all along and I didn�t see it?�

Lennie smiled. �If you didn�t see it, then you were in good company, because neither did I. Well, that�s not exactly true. I guess maybe the last couple of years I�d been wondering if maybe there was a reason I never was all that good at the romance game. Come to think about it, it probably started not long after I moved in here. Maybe my subconscious was already interested and trying to get my attention. Who knows?� He paused, looking at his friend. �Rey, are you sure you want to hear this?� Rey smiled at him. �It�s OK, Lennie. I�m not going to freak out on you again. I promise.� Lennie looked at him and nodded. �OK. Anyway, last fall, Jack finally talked me into going out with him on that deathtrap he rides. You ever ride a motorcycle, Rey?� �Nah, not really my sort of thing.� Lennie nodded. �That�s what I thought, too. But let me tell you, with the engine vibrating between your legs and your arms wrapped around the driver, it can be a very erotic experience.� Rey actually blushed. Lennie laughed. �Hey, it was ME, not you! That was when I started playing around with the idea. I couldn�t help wonder why Jack had been so determined to get me to go along � he had to know what that would feel like. We figured later that we both were looking for an excuse, but neither one of us was ready to admit it yet, even to ourselves.�

Rey was confused. �So you�re saying something changed that day?� Lennie realized what he was actually asking. �The only thing that changed was my awareness. Thinking about it now, I�ve realized that I�ve probably always been gay, just never figured it out until now. I swear to you, Rey. Nothing changed. I�m still me.� Rey looked into his eyes and realized that Lennie was telling the truth. His friend hadn�t changed. And now he was genuinely curious. �So what made you finally admit it?�

Lennie sighed, remembering that awful day. �Back in November when he was attacked. When Ed and I got there, that monstrosity Owens had a knife to his neck, and I was terrified I was going to lose him. I think that was the moment when I realized I love him.� Lennie paused, looking into his partner�s eyes. They both knew too well how the threat of death can make you realize how much you love someone. Rey nodded. �Then when we got home from the hospital, the stuff they gave him to calm him down wore off, and he just fell apart. He was so scared, Rey. He just needed somebody to hold onto, to make it all go away, and I was here. I just wanted to take care of him, but there was also a part of me that wanted more. I tried not to let that through. But at one point, he had finally stopped crying, was just leaning against me. I couldn�t stop myself; I just bent down to kiss his hair, like you�d comfort a child. He looked up at me, said something about thinking about me during the attack. The next thing I knew we were kissing. I didn�t mean it to happen, it just did.� Lennie closed his eyes, reliving that moment. Finally, he looked back up at Rey. �I wouldn�t let anything else happen that night, didn�t even stay with him. I didn�t want to pressure him at all. But he woke up with a nightmare, and asked me to stay with him after that, and the next morning .. .� Lennie trailed off, letting Rey�s imagination complete the scene.

Rey gave a small laugh. �OK, Lennie, I get the picture.� Lennie smiled and shrugged, then got quiet. �You know something, Rey?   It�s a good thing that Owens died that day. Cause if he hadn�t and I�d gotten to him, I�d�ve killed him with my bare hands for what he did to Jack. And yet . . .� He shook his head. Rey looked at him, curious. �If it wasn�t for him, I don�t know if we would have ever taken that first step, Rey. It kills me that I might owe the happiest days of my life to that bastard.�

It was Rey�s turn to offer comfort; he realized that Lennie was as conflicted about this as he had been about wishing the end would come. He shook his head. �Don�t think like that, Lennie. It sounds like this was brewing for a while. You would have figured it out eventually.� Lennie sighed. �I like to think so, but �� No buts, Lennie. It would have happened.� Lennie looked up at his friend, seeing the certainty in his eyes. Rey was so good at absolutes. He managed a laugh. �Thanks for the vote of confidence.� Rey grinned at him. �Anytime, Lennie.�

He took a long look at his old partner. �So you�re really happy now?� Lennie smiled. �Jack isn�t the easiest person to love, but somehow no matter what happens, this still feels better to me than anything I�ve ever felt before. Yeah, I�m happy.� �Then hold on to it with all you�ve got, Lennie. Cause you never know when it might get taken away from you.� The sadness was creeping back into Rey�s eyes. �Yeah, I know what you mean. Trust me, Rey, I will.� They sat there for a few moments, each remembering what he had already lost. Lennie reached across the table and gently squeezed Rey�s hand. �It will be OK, Rey. It takes time, but the hurt does eventually diminish to a dull roar. Even someday to a whisper. You�ll make it.�

Rey took a long, shuddering breath and nodded. �Thanks, Lennie.� Lennie gave his hand one last squeeze and let go. He looked at the clock. �It�s late. You�re welcome to crash here if you don�t feel like driving home.� Rey shook his head. �No, I want to be with the girls when they wake up tomorrow. But thanks.� Lennie nodded and got up to put the milk away.

He walked Rey to the door. �Lennie � thanks. For everything.� Lennie smiled. �I�m always here for you, partner.� He laid his hand on Rey�s arm, then decided he didn�t have to be the �macho� man anymore and gently wrapped his arms around his friend. Rey hesitated for just a moment, then gave himself over to the embrace. As Lennie pulled away, their eyes met and they knew that all was well. �Night, Rey.� �Night.�

Continue to Chapter 7

Send me some feedback

Back to the Story Index

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. I'm just borrowing them for fun, not profit.