| |
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your good deed for the month was
hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four
relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro
from her lips before telling the State
Trooper to kiss her ass.
You stand under the mistletoe at
Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in
thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody
fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit
when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move
this transmission so I can take a
bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen
on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery
room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air
freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are
"Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to
low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn
shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case
of oil as the "day my ship came
in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a
ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist
fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a
rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to
leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over
your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up
women.
your grandmother has ever been asked to
leave a bingo game because of her
language.
You can't tell what color your car is
because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy
Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed for best
picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room
table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least
twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life"
deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought
at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than
once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains
the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the
ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an
orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids
were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a
painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia
leader.
You have the local taxidermist's number
on speed dial.
Your school fight song was "Dueling
Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical
instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a
scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your
family reunion is "What the h--l are
you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your
house.
The first words out of your mouth every
time you see friends are
"Howdy!", "HEY!" or
"How Y'all Doin'?" (If they
respond with the same... they're a
redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named
Bubba or Junior.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your
butt included.
Your father encourages you to quit school
because Larry has an opening on the lube
rack.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral
home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is
the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding
pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon
hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car
that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a
chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something
out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house
and you have to help take the wheels off
it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol,
you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a
bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks
stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show
them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include
"turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on
chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight
because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your
annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening
a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of
"most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have
an empty beer can in the car.
You have a very special baseball cap,
just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks you to school because you
are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find
it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but
your truck does.
You call your boss "Buddy", on
a regular basis.
You consider your license plate
personalized because your dad made it in
prison.
You have been fired from a construction
job because of your appearance. (Is that
a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber
before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is
which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom
appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n
heer an' lookit this afore I flush
it."
You move your refrigerator and the grass
underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of
the night involves putting on shoes and a
jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom,
sister, and girlfriend, and you only need
to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate
money because you think the South will
rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a
gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an
hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take
a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit
tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash
it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a
pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt
and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet
and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just"misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering
plate.
|
|
|
|
