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Blonde Jokes
Q.How do you measure a blonde's
IQ?A.With a tire guage!
Q.Why did the blonde climb the glass
wall?A.To see what was on the other side.
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland
when they saw a sign that
read,"Disneyland Left" so they
turned around and went home.
Q.Why do blondes wear ponytails?A.So
people won't see the valve on their head.
Two blondes were walking around when they
saw some tracks. One blonde
says,"They're moose tracks."The
other blonde says,"No, they're deer
tracks.""No, they're moose
tracks!""Deer tracks!"They
kept arguing until the train ran them
over.
Q.How does a blonde turn on the light
after sex?A.She opens the car door.
Q.How can you tell blondes are so
bias?A.They keep going, "Buy us
this," "Buy us that."
Q.What's the difference between the
following two sounds: A punctured balloon
and a blonde with a hole in her
head?A.None.
Q.Why did the blonde dye her
hair?A.Instant intelligence!
Q.Why don't blondes like the
S.A.T.?A.It's too difficult to spell.
Q.Why do blondes write TGIF on their
shoes?A.So they remember 'Toe Goes in
First'
Q.Why don't blondes like to make
Kool-Aid?A.They can't get all that water
in the little package.
Q.Why did the blonde stare at the carton
of Orange Juice?A.It said 'concentrate'
Q.What's the first things blondes do in
the morninng?A.They go home!
Q.What's a blonde's favorite
saying?A."I don't know"
Q.Why do blonde's wear shoulder pads?A.To
protect their head when saying 'I don't
know' (This joke requires that special
visual element)
Q.What do a blonde reading a book and
people in a silent movie have
incommon?A.Their lips are moving but no
sound is coming out!
Q.How do you tell the difference between
a smart blonde and a dumb blonde?A.Wait a
minute: I forgot. (Note: This only works
if a blonde tells it)
Did you hear about the blonde who woke up
next to a guy in a baseball cap?A.She
looked around bewildered and asked,
"Where's the rest of the team?"
Q.What does a blonde wear around her neck
to attract men?A.Her ankles.
Q.Why do blondes like tilt steering
wheels?A.More head-room.
Q.How can you tell if a blonde has just
been using a computer?A.There's white-out
on the screen!
Q.How do you get a blonde to be
quiet?A.Just say to her: "A penny
for your thoughts."
Q.Why didn't the blonde go in the
building?A.She heard it was four stories
and she didn't like to read.
Q.What's a blonde's mating call?A.'I'm so
drunk.'
Q.How many blondes does it take to make a
smart blonde?A.It can't be done!
Q.How do you keep a blonde entertained
indefinitely?A.Give her a 'Where's Waldo'
book...
Q.What do you call a blonde with half a
brain?A.Gifted!!!
Q.Why did eighteen blondes go to the
movies together?A.They heard under
seventeen weren't admitted!!!
Q.How do you make a blonde
confused?A.Hand her a bag of M&Ms and
ask her to alphabetize them.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a trampoline?A.You take your shoes
off before you jump on a trampoline!
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a limo?A.Not everyone's been in a
limo!
Q.What's a blonde's mating call?A.I'm
drunk! Someone take me home!
Q.Why are all blonde jokes
one-liners?A.So brunettes can understand
them!!!
Q.How do blondes spell
'farm?'A.E-I-E-I-O!!!!
Q.Do you know the brunette's mating
call?A.Has the damned blonde left yet???
Q.Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?A.To
put their feet through.
Q.How can yo tell if a blonde has been in
your refrigerator?A.By the lipstick on
your cucumbers!
Q.Why don't blondes use vibrators?A.They
chip their teeth.
Q.Why do blondes wear underwear?A.They
make good anklewarmers!
Q.Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear
short black mini-skirts?A.Because their
testicles show!
Q.How can you tell which blonde is the
waitress?A.She is the one with the tampon
behind her ear, wondering what she did
with her pencil.
Q.What does a peroxide blonde and a 747
have in common?A.They both have a black
box.
Q.How does a psychic refer to a
blonde?A.Light reading.
Q.How do blonde brain cells die?A.Alone.
Q.What do you call a blonde with two
brain cells?A.Pregnant.
Q.Why aren't blondes good
cattle-herders/cowboys?A.They can't even
keep their own two calves together!
Q.What did the blonde's right leg say to
the left leg?A.Nothing. They've never
met.
Q.How do you make a blonde's eyes light
up?A.Shine a flashlight in her ear!
Q.Why should blondes not be given coffee
breaks?A.It takes to long too retrain
them!
Q.How can you tell if another blonde's
been using the computer?A.There's writing
on the white-out!
Q.Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A.From dating blonde men.
Q.But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A.Wishful Thinking.
Q.Why don't blondes make good
pharmacists? A.They can't get the bottle
into the typewriter.
Q.Why don't blondes call 911 in an
emergency? A.They can't remember the
number.
Q.Why don't blondes call 911 in an
emergency? A.She can't find the number 11
on the telephone buttons.
Q.What does a blonde make best for
dinner? A.Reservations.
Q.What do you call a blonde lesbian? A.A
waste.
Q.What do you call 4 blondes lying on the
ground? A.An air mattress.
Q.What do you call an unmarried blond in
a BMW? A.A divorcee.
Q.What does a blonde owl say? A.What,
what?
Q.What do you call a zit on a blonde's
butt? A.A brain tumor.
A guy's in bed with a blonde and asks
her, "Do you smoke after
sex?"She replies, "I don't
know; I never looked."
Q.What do you get when you turn 3 blondes
upside-down? A.Two brunettes.
Q.Why did the blonde scale the chain-link
fence? A.To see what was on the other
side.
Q.Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger
in her back seat? A.In case she locks the
keys in her car.
Q.Why did the blonde tip-toe past the
medicine cabinet? A.So she wouldn't wake
up the sleeping pills.
Q.Why did the blonde want to become a
veterinarian? A.Because she loved
children.
Q.To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A.Grade 4.
Q.What are the worst six years in a
blonde's life? A.Third Grade.
Q.What is the definition of gross
ignorance? A.144 blondes.
Q.Why is 68 the maximum speed for
blondes? A.Because at 69 they blow a
rod...
Q.Why won't they hire a blonde
pharmacist? A.They keep breaking the
prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Q.What is the definition of the perfect
woman? A.A deaf and dumb blonde
nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q.How would a blond punctuate the
following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry
worry" A.Fun period fun period fun
NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
A blonde is walking down the street with
a pig under her arm. She passes a person
who asks "Where did you get
that?" The pig says, "I won her
in a raffle!"
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk
asked if he should cut it in six or
twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could
never eat twelve pieces."
Q.What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A.Locking the car door. Putting the car
in park.
Q.Why did the blonde keep failing her
driver's test? A.Because every time the
door opened, she jumped into the back
seat.
Q.What did the blonde do when she heard
that 90% of accidents occur around the
home? A.She moved.
Q.What's five miles long and has an IQ of
forty? A.A blonde parade.
Q.Why is it okay for blondes to catch
cold? A.They don't have to worry about
blowing their brains out.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was
going skeet shooting. She told me she
didn't know how to cook them.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who
thought that "love handles"
referred to her ears?
Q.Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A.Because they can't fit 8 cups of water
in the little packet.
Q.How do you give a blonde a brain
transplant? A.Blow in her ear.
Q.Why does a blonde have fur on the hem
of her dress? A.To keep her ankles warm.
A2.To keep her neck warm
Q.What does a blonde say after multiple
orgasms? A.Way to go team!
Q.How can you tell if a blonde has a
vibrator? A.By the chipped tooth.
Q.How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A.I'll tell you tomorrow.
Q.Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? A.To
keep from bruising their ears.
Q.Why does a blondes bra say T.G.I.F?
A.Tits go in first.
Q.Why do blondes have vaginas? A.So guys
will talk to them at parties.
Q.What do you call a blonde with a runny
nose? A.Full.
Imitation of a blonde refueling.. (Flap
hand, blowing air into ears)
Q.Why don't blonds breastfeed their
babies? A.It hurts too much when they
boil their nipples.
Q.What does a blonde answer to the
question "Are you sexually
active?" A."No, I just lie
there."
Q.What's the first thing a blonde says in
the morning? A."Thanks,
guys..."
Q.What do you call 10 blondes at the
bottom of the pool? A.Air pockets.
Q.Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A.They're
too hard to peel.
Q.What does "Bones" McCoy say
before he performs brain surgery on a
blonde? A."Space. The final
frontier......"
Q.What's brown and red and black and
blue? A.A brunette who's told one too
many blonde jokes.
Q.What do you call a brunette and three
blondes on a corner? A.You don't, you see
if you've got 3 condoms.
Q.Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in
the freezer? A.So she could keep the
refrigerator cold.
Q.What can strike a blonde without her
even knowing it? A.A thought.
Q.How many blondes does it take to play
Hide and Seek? A.One.
Q.Why couldn't the blonde write the
number ELEVEN ? A.She didn't know what
ONE came first...
Q.Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A.Their mothers told them not to talk to
strangers.
Q.What do you call a blonde with 90% of
her intelligence gone? A.Divorced.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one
day. The brunette said that her boyfriend
had a slight dandruff problem but she
gave him "Head and Shoulders"
and it cleared it up. The blonde asked
inquisitively, "How do you give
shoulders?
Q.How many blondes does it take to make a
circuit? A.Two, One to stand in the
bathtub, and another to pass her the blow
dryer!
Q.How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a
blonde? A.Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good
night.
Q.Why did the blonde fail her drivers
license ? A.She wasn't used to the front
seat!
Q.What does a blonde do if she is not in
bed by 10? A.She picks up her purse and
goes home.
Q.Where do blondes go to meet their
relatives? A.The vegetable garden.
Q.How many blondes does it take to play
tag? A.One.
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was
easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than
what?
Q.What do you call four Blondes in a
Volkswagen? A.Far-from-thinkin.
Q.What do a moped and a blond have in
common? A.They're both fun to ride until
a friend sees you on one.
Q.How can you tell when a blonde rejects
a new brain transplant? A.She sneezes.
Q.What's the fastest way to get a blonde
pregnant? A.Take her to the petting zoo.
Q.How do you get a blonde to climb on the
roof? A.Tell her that the drinks are on
the house
Q.What is the connection between a blonde
and a halogen headlamp? A.They both get
screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q.What do you call it when a blonde gets
taken over by a demon? A.A vacant
possession.
Q.What did the blonde's dentist find?
A.Teeth in the cavity.
Q.What is a blonde doing when she holds
her hands tightly over her ears? A.She's
trying to hold on to a thought.
Q.What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A.A padded dash.
Q.Why do blondes use white-out on their
computer screens? A.They couldn't find
their eraser.
Q.What do you do when a blonde throws a
pin at you? A.Run like hell...she's got a
hand grenade in her mouth.
Q.Why was the blonde confused after
giving birth to twins? A.She couldn't
figure out who the other mother was.
Blonde Inventions:...ejection seat for
helicopter pilots...solar powered
flashlight
Q.What's the mating call of the redhead?
A.(loudly)"There's no blondes
here?"
Q.Why did the blonde drive into the
ditch? A.To turn the blinker off.
Q.Why do blondes prefer electric
lawnmowers? A.So they can find their way
back to the house!
Q.How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A.Put her in a round room and tell her to
sit in the corner.
Q.How do you get a blonde off of her
knees? A.Come.
Q.How can you steal the window seat of a
blonde on a plane going to London? A.Tell
her the seats that are going to London
are all in the middle row.
Q.How do you know a blond likes you?
A.She has sex with you two nights in a
row.
Q.Did you hear about the blonde that
liked the number 77? A.She likes to be 8
(ate) more.
Q.Why don't blondes like anal sex? A.They
don`t like their brains being screwed
with.
Q.Why aren't blondes good at
water-skiing? A.When they get their
crotch wet they think they have to lay
down.
Q.Why are blondes like pianos? A. When
they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q.Why are blondes so easy to get into
bed? A.Who cares?
Q.Why can't blondes count to 70?
A.Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q.How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A.They spread for the bread.
Q.What do you call a blonde golfer with
an IQ of 125? A.A foursome.
Q.What do you give the blonde that has
everything? A.Penicillin
Q.Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A.Because as soon as they are on their
backs, their legs open.
Q.Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A.To
avoid the draft.
Q.Why do blondes get confused in the
ladies room? A.They have to pull their
own pants down.
Q.Why did the blonde take two hits of
acid? A.She wanted to go on a round trip.
Q.Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A.She thought it was diet coke.
Q.Why did the blonde put her finger over
the nail when she was hammering? A.The
noise gave her a headache.
Q.Why did the blonde have blisters on her
lips? A.From trying to blow out
lightbulbs.
Q.What is the first thing a blonde learns
when she takes driving lessons? A.You can
also sit upright in a car.
Q.What is the difference between a young
blonde and an old blonde? A.Vaseline and
Poli-Grip.
Q.What is the difference between a blonde
and a prostitute? A.Prostitutes don't
drive Ferraris.
Q.What is the difference between Elvis
and smart blondes? A.Elvis has been
sighted.
Q.What is the difference between blondes
and traffic signs? A.Some traffic signs
say stop.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a lightbulb? A.The lightbulb is
smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn
on.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a bitch? A.A blonde will have sex
with anyone, a bitch will have sex with
anyone but you.
Q.What's the difference between a corn
farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with
diarrhea? A.One shucks between fits.
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