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Blonde Jokes
Q.What's the difference between a
blonde and a brick? A.A brick doesn't
follow you around after it's been laid.
Q.What did the blonde do when her doctor
told her she had sugar in her urine?
A.She peed on her corn flakes.
Q.What did the blind blonde say to her
new boyfriend as she was making love to
him? A."Funny, you don't feel
Jewish."
Q.What is every blonde's ambition in
life? A.To be like Vanna White and learn
the alphabet.
Q.What did the blonde say when she woke
up under a cow? A.What are you guys still
doing here?
Q.What did the blonde say about blonde
jokes? A.She said they were pretty good,
but they might offend some PuertoRicans.
Q.What do UFO's and smart blondes have in
common? A.You keep hearing about them,
but never see any.
Q.What did the blonde say during a porno?
A."There I am!"
Q.What's the ultimate embarassment for a
blonde? A.When her Ben-Wa balls set off
the airport metal detector.
Q.What's six inches long, has a bald
head, and drives blondes crazy? A.A
hundred dollar bill.
Q.How does the blonde car pool work?
A.They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q.What happens when a blonde puts her
panties on backwards? A.She gets her ass
chewed out.
Q.Why was the blonde disappointed with
her trip to England? A.She found out Big
Ben is only a clock.
Q.Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A.They always forget the recipe.
Q.Did you hear about the conceited
blonde? A.She screams her own name when
she comes.
Q.Did you hear about the blonde that
robbed a bank? A.She tied up the safe and
blew the guard.
Q.Did you hear about the blonde who stood
in front of a mirror with her eyes
closed? A.She wanted to see what she
looked like asleep.
Q.Did you hear about the new form of
birth control for blondes? A.They take
off their makeup.
Q.Why won't a blonde drink beer at the
beach? A.She's afraid to get sand in her
Busch.
Q.Why do blondes wear tight skirts? A.To
keep their legs together.
Q.Why did the blonde give up bowling for
screwing? A.The balls are lighter, and
you don't have to change shoes.
Q.Why did the blonde get fired from the
sperm bank? A.Her employer found out she
was embezzling.
Q.Why do blondes always drink with
straws? A.Practice.
Q.What does the postcard from a blond's
vacation say? A.Having a wonderful time.
Where am I?
Q.What do a blonde and a good beer have
in common? A.They both go down easy.
Q.What's the difference between a blond
and an ice cream cone? A.Ice cream cones
don't lick back.
Q.What do you call a swimming pool full
of blondes? A.Bobbing for Bimbos.
Q.What do a blonde and your computer have
in common? A.You don't know how much
either of them mean to you until they go
down on you.
Q.What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A.Ever-ready.
Q.What is blonde, brunette, blonde,
brunette, ....? A.A blonde doing
cartwheels.
Q.Did you hear about the blond who had
two chances to get pregnant? A.She blew
it both times!
Q.Why are blondes so sexually
promiscuous? A.Who cares?
Q.What is the difference between a blonde
and an inflatable doll? A.About 2 cans of
hair spray.
Q.What is the definition of "fu**
off"? A.The final round of an all
blonde beauty contest.
Q.What is a bellybutton for? A.It gives a
blonde a place to park her gum on the way
down.
Q.Why is a blonde similar to an ironing
board? A.I could never close the legs of
an ironing board either.
Someone asked a blonde if she believed in
smoking. "Yes, I've seen it
done."
Blonde #1: "It's embarassing, but
every time I sneeze, I have an
orgasm." Blonde #2: "Gee, what
are you taking for it?" Blonde #1:
"Snuff."
Blonde: "Excuse me sir, what time is
it?" Man: "It's 3:15."
Blonde: (puzzled look on her face)
"You know, it's the weirdest thing,
I have been asking that same question all
day, and each time I get a different
answer."
Male Secretary: "Feel free to use my
dictaphone." New Blonde Employee:
"No thanks, I'll just use my finger
like everyone else.
A blonde was telling a priest a Polish
joke, when halfway through the priest
interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm
Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry,"
the blonde apologizes, "Do you want
me to start over and talk slower?"
Q.How many blondes does it take to screw
in a lightbulb? A."What's a
lightbulb?" A2.None. Blondes screw
in corvettes, not in lightbulbs.
Q.Why was the blonde saving burnt out
lightbulbs? A.For the darkroom she was
building.
Q.What's a blonde doing when she's
gasping for air? A.Collecting her
thoughts.
Q.Why does Captain Kirk prefer blondes?
A.Space...the final frontier...
Q.Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three
times? A.Once when you tell it, one when
you tell her the punchline, and once when
she gets it.
Q.What's the definition of eternity?
A.Four blondes at a four way stop.
Did you hear about the new paint by
Gidden that is coming out? It's called
"Blonde" and the motto is
"It's not to bright and it's easy to
spread.
A blonde with multiple problems goes in
to see her doctor. "Doctor,"
she says, "It hurts when I touch my
forehead. It hurts when I touch my nose.
It hurts when I touch my elbow. What's
wrong with me?" The doctor asks,
"Are you a natural blonde?"
"Yes," she replies proudly.
"Ah, then your finger is
broken!"
Great Pick-Up line to use on Blondes:
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to
sleep with me? I thought you knew!
Blondes: They taste great and don't leave
crumbs in your bed.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a mosquito? A.When you slap the
mosquito it stops sucking.
Q.What do you call a bunch of blondes
standing in an large empty area? A.A
vacant lot.
Q.Why don't blondes breast feed?
A.Because they always burn their nipples.
Q.Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A.She kept having affairs with men.
Q.What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A.Spot.
Q.What do you call a fly buzzing inside a
blonde's head? A.A space invader.
Q.What's a blonde's favorite rock group?
A.Air Supply
Q.What do you see when you look into a
blonde's eyes? A.The back of her head.
Q.Why do blonde's drive VWs? A.Because
they can't spell Porsche
Q.How do you make a blonde laugh on
Monday mornings? A.Tell them a joke on
Friday night.
Q.Why did God create blondes? A.Because
sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Why did God create brunettes? A.Neither
could the blondes.
Q.How did the dumb blonde break her leg
raking leaves? A.She fell out of the
tree.
Q.What's black and fuzzy and hangs from
the ceiling? A.A blonde electrician.
Q.Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A.So brunettes can remember them.
Q.What do call a smart blonde? A.A golden
retriever. A2.An indicator of a really
bad hangover.
Q.Why do blondes have periods? A.They
deserve them.
Q.Why did the blonde smile when she
walked down the marriage aisle? A.She
realized she gave her last blow-job.
Q.What did the blonde do when she got her
first period? A.Looked around for the
bastard that must have shot her.
Q.Why did they call the blonde 'twinkie?'
A.She like to be filled with cream.
Q.Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A.Because they're simple, easy, and they
taste good.
Q.How does a blonde hold her liquor? A.By
the ears.
Q.How do you know when a blonde has been
making chocolate chip cookies? A.You find
M&M shells all over the kitchen
floor.
Q.What job function does a blonde have in
an M&M factory? A.Proofreading.
Q.What do you call a blonde skeleton in
the closet? A.Last year's hide-and-seek
champ.
Q.How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A.Come in her shoes and let the flies do
the rest.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A.One's a bunch of cunning runts and the
other's...not.
Q.What is the difference between a blonde
and a toilet? A.A toilet won't follow you
around after you use it.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a supermarket cart? A.The supermarket
cart has a mind of its own.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and your job? A.Your job still sucks
after six months.
Q.What's the difference between a
prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A.The prostitute says, "Aren't you
done yet?" The nymphomaniac says,
"Are you done already?" The
blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll
paint the ceiling beige."
Q.How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A.Tell her that she's pregnant. Q.What
will she ask you when you tell her that
she's pregnant? A."Is it mine?"
Q.What do you call a dumb blonde behind a
steering wheel? A.An air bag.
Q.Why are there lip stick stains on the
sterring wheel after a blonde drives a
car? A.Because she blows the horn.
Q.What does a blonde say when asked if
her blinker light is on? A.It's on. It's
off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's
off...
Q.Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code
on her stomach? A.So her male would get
delivered to the right box.
Q.Did you hear about the blonde couple
that was found frozen to death in their
car at a drive-in movie theatre? A.They
went to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
Q.How can you tell when a blonde is
dating? A.By the buckle print on her
forehead. Q.How can you tell who is the
blonde's boyfriend? A.He's the one with
belt buckle that matches the impression
her forehead.
Q.What is the blonde's chronic speech
impediment? A.She can't say 'No.'
A guy walks into a bar. "Ouch!"
A blonde walks into a bar. "Ouch!
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!..."
Q.What do you call a blonde in an
institution of higher learning? A.A
visitor.
Q.Why did the blonde wear condoms on her
ears? A.So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.
Q.Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A.They keep breaking them with the
hammers.
Q.Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A.Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three
legs and was still stuck.
Q.Why did the blonde take her typewriter
to the doctor? A.She thought it was
pregnant because missed a period.
Q.What is a blonde's favorite part of a
gas station? A.The Air Pump!
Q.Why was the blonde upset when she got
her Driver's License? A.Because she got
an F in sex.
Q.What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A.Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q.Why did the blonde cross the road?
A.Forget the road, what was she doing out
of the bedroom/kitchen!?
Q.Did you here about the blonde who shot
an arrow into the air? A.She missed.
On a trip a blonde drives past a sign
reading "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8
MILES". By the time she drove eight
miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Did you hear about the suicide blonde?
She dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along
in a park. The brunette says suddenly,
"Awww, look at the dead
birdie." The blonde stops, looks
up,and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after
he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a
one-way street. Cop: "Do you know
where you were going?" Blonde:
"No, but wherever it is, it must be
bad 'cause all the people were
leaving."
Did you hear about the blond guy whose
wife gave birth to twins? He wanted to
know who the other man was...
This blonde and her boyfriend were
sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said
to her boyfriend, "Is it true that
if you pull you finger out, I'll
sink?"
A blonde's response to the comment,
"THINK about it!": "I
don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A government study has shown that blondes
do have more fun -- they just don't
remember who with.
Q.Why are only 2% of blondes
touch-typists? A.The rest are hunt'n
peckers.
Q.What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A.An air bag.
Q.Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A.They don't know the route.
Q.Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A.So you don't have to retrain them on
Monday.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and an ironing board? A.It's difficult to
open the legs of an ironing board.
Q.What is foreplay for a blonde? A.Thirty
minutes of begging.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a broom closet? A.Only two men fit
inside a broom closet at once.
Q.What's the difference between a blonde
and a phone booth? A.You need a quarter
to use the phone.
Q.What does the Bermuda Triangle and
blondes have in common? A.They've both
swallowed a lot of seamen.
Q.What did the blonde say when she
knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A.It's OK daddy. I'm not hurt.
Q.Why did the Blonde get fired at the M
& M factory? A.Becasue she threw out
all the W's.
Q.How does a blonde commit suicide? A.She
gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps
off.
Q.Why did God give blondes 2% more brains
than horses? A.Because he didn't want
them shi**ing in the streets during
parades.
Q.How do you get a one armed blonde out
of a tree? A.Wave to her.
Q.How does a blonde get pregnant? A.And I
thought blondes were dumb!
Q.What do you call a blonde with ESP and
PMS? A.A know-it-all bitch.
Q.What's the difference between a
counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A.One's a phony buck.
Q.What's the difference between a chorus
line of blondes and a magician? A.A
magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Q.What is the best blonde secretary in
the world to have? A.One that never
misses a period.
Q.Why don't a blondes guts fall out of
her butt when she stands? A.Because the
vacuum in her head keeps them in place.
Q.What do you get when you cross a blonde
and a lawyer? A.I don't know, there are
some things even a blonde won't do.
Q.How can you tell when a blonde is
wearing pantyhose? A.When she farts, her
knees bag.
Q.What's the disease that paralyzes
blondes below the waist? A.Marriage.
Q.How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A.You have to get them hot before you put
in the meat.
Q.How do you confuse a blonde? A.You
don't. They're born that way.
Q.How do you paralyze a blonde from the
neck down? A.Marry her.
Did you hear about the blonde that died
drinking milk? A.The cow fell on her.
Q.How did the blonde burn her nose?
A.Bobbing for French fries.
Q.How can you tell if a blonde writes
mysteries? A.She has a checkbook.
Q.How can you tell when a FAX had been
sent from a blonde? A.There is a stamp on
it.
Q.How can you tell if a blonde is a good
cook? A.She gets the pop tarts out of the
toaster in one piece.
Q.Why do men like blonde jokes??
A.Because they can understand them.
(Asking a blonde) Why do all blondes all
have a dimple on their chin and a flat
forehead? (Blonde answering: puts finger
on chin) I don't know. (Hits forehead)Oh
I get it!
Q.How can you tell if another blonde's
been using the computer?A.There's writing
on the white-out!
Q.What did the blonde think of the new
computer?A.She didn't like it because she
couldn't get channel 9.
Q.How do you kill a blonde?A.Put spikes
in their shoulder pads!
Q.How do blondes pierce their ears?A.They
put tacks in their shoulder pads!
Q.Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?A.They
can't figure out how to get two cups of
water into those little packages!
Q.Why don't blondes eat pickles?A.Because
they can't get their head in the jar!
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