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<|  Saturday April 1st, 2006  |>   Joey Ramone: "pig slop!  I lift some morrrrre, pig slop!  i lift some morrrrrrrre.  pig slop: my obvious faullllllt."

Well here it is.  The traditional April blog redesign.  As you can see, for the first time in a long while, the blog title is at the very top and the buttons moved below it.  In an unprecedented UDCP move, the introduction of 3-D (*gasp!*) gradient graphics.  Which is highly against the central design theme of "what would this look like if this was the year 1978?"  One Saturday I was sitting around, and suddenly "[pool table] balls" came up in my head.  Thus began a 2-hour quest (with no help from anyone. Thanks, nobody!) on how to make a sphere.  In the end, I said, "that's good enough," and was told when I showed it to somebody, that it reminded her of chocolate M&M's.  I guess they remind me of chocolate milkduds.  Nevertheless, for the first time, "Writings", "Comics" and "Links" are included with the other four buttons of "Email", "Home Page", "Site warning" and "Previous Month".  I also toyed with the idea of putting miniature brown balls with two yellow letters signifying a month, vertically one-by-one down the right side of the blog, but then I thought, "who the hell just randomly clicks on monthly entries?"

Tho I am toying with the idea of going with a "what would this look like if this was the year 1970?"  Which of course, would include many crudely hand-drawn pencil sketches of buttons / images, extremely large & fat halftone dots (like felt tip marker-big) and moir� (bad!) & rosette patterns.  Possibly a retro-shaped gas station sign with lights and a roof on it baring the blog name.  Well I'll have all summer to think about it, since the next change won't be until November.
<|  Monday April 3rd, 2006  |>   "nothing like interviewing an old man who doesn't remember anything."







2006 MLB Picks

Angels      White Sox    Yankees
A's*         Indians         Red Sox
Rangers    Twins          Blue Jays
M's          Tigers          Devil Rays
                Royals         Orioles

Padres      Cardinals      Braves
Dodgers    Astros         Mets*
Giants       Cubs           Phillies
D'backs     Brewers      Nationals
Rockies     Pirates         Marlins
                 Reds

* - wild card

Cardinals over Mets
Braves over Padres

White Sox over A's
Angels over Yankees

Cardinals over Braves
Angels over White Sox

Cardinals over Angels in 6


Now, the reasoning behind the picks. 

The Angels of the A.L. West,  have the Cy Young award winner, and one of the more balanced lineups in the A.L., including one of the most dangerous hitters in baseball.  If Vlad wasn't hurting so bad in the playoffs last year, the Angels probably would have advanced.  I had second thoughts of picking the A's for second, especially since they have two clubhouse cancers in Bradley and Thomas, who will be a huge question mark.  But the A's pitching staff is solid.  The Rangers already lost one of their top starting pitchers for the month, and lost a big bat but the worst fielder ever.  Again, this is Texas, whose forever-worst pitching which tends to fizzle out in the Texas summer heat.  The Mariners have one of the top pitching prospects of Felix Hernandez (who btw, the White Sox' Brian Anderson took him deep in Seattle, with a shot that went at least 410 feet) acing their staff, finally taking that honor away from the 83-year old Jamie Moyer.  They also imported Japanese star catcher Kenji Johjima, who could blow the fucking door off the hinges like Irichio did.  Tho then again, it's a toss-up for 3rd or 4th place, due to the Rangers cheating at home (tipping pitches using the scoreboard, because an ERA at home is a whole point lower despite playing in one of the most hitter friendly parks doesn't make any sense) and the Mariner's Hernandez and Beltre had an off-year, maybe I should pick the M's for 3rd place....but they were so damn bad last year.  But the other big question mark in baseball, is Clemens if he signs with the Rangers.  Now I'm sure as hell not saying signing him would make them win anything, it would probably assure a 3rd place finish. 

Step aside, step aside!  The first A.L. Central World Series champion coming through!  Now how in the hell could I pick my favorite team to finish 2nd?? It's quite simple: I don't expect anyone to be as good as last year.  Garland won't start the 1st half 10-2 again, and he'll win his usual 12 games and be done.  Vasquez isn't the best of pitchers, and the bottom 3rd of the order still stinks like shit.  Plus suddenly our closer-duo is a huge question mark.  On paper, the Sox have the look to repeat.  But things usually never end up that way.  Plus I can feel an injury or two to the pitching staff coming.  Not that they won't win at least 90 games probably, it's just Cleveland will just barely beat them out.  Now Cleveland, there's two ways this can go about: they're either be good or really good.  They traded their leadoff hitter and lost a big starter in Millwood.  The difference in losing Millwood will be the difference between winning 83 games and winning 93 games.  The thing is, they lost another starter and a key bullpen guy (who will of course fail in Wrigley).  The key will be all the young guys.  It took the Indians till the 2nd half of last season to finally get it going.  But you know what?  I'm changing my vote.  Cleveland lost 3 good to great pitchers, and that is just too much.  Sox 1st, Indians 2nd.  I totally had to re-write my playoffs just now.  As for Minnesota, which could be the last year ever of the Twins a la contraction, but this is still a 3rd place team.  Detroit, they're not doing anything and the Royals are just a pile of shit.

The A.L. East: the most overly reported division in baseball, so this will be short.  Yankees suck, but the Red Sox pitching is weaker, so the stupid Yankees will win.  The Blue Jays over-spending on average talent will give them about 81 victories, the D'Rays are ready to win a few more games, while the O's will tank.

The Worst Division in baseball: The N.L. West.  What a sorry-ass division.  The Padres just barely won it with an 82-80 record, which is the 2nd worst of all time for a division winner.  The biggest question will be Barroids, whether he plays or not, but I figure it's going to be an ugly April / early May for baseball.  The Dodgers can't possibly get any worse than last year, and over-paying a SS $13 mil a year is dumb.  The D'Backs aren't really doing anything, and the Rockies are going nowhere.

The N.L. Central. The Cardinals by default should win this again.  They're just too damn good.  Unless something catastrophic happens, like losing Pujols or suddenly the new ballpark becomes a hellhole.  Sure they lost some guys, but most of them were either really old or insane.  It's their division to lose.  Things are ugly in Houston.  $17 million is being spent on a guy who will not play, probably ever again.  Tho their starting rotation is good, even without Clemens, who could possibly come back again.  They say they have no hitting, but when you have a pussy 315 leftfield porch, you really don't need hitting.  Ah, the Flubs.  Once again starting the season with their two best pitchers on the DL, with no return in sight.  Suddenly dinosaur Greg Maddux is the # 2 pitcher, who got lit up like a firecracker last year in a division of extremely hitter-friendly ballparks.  The Cubs have been deemed as "a dysfunctional team".  If it weren't for Derrek Lee, who 93% of Cubs fans still misspell his name, they would have lost 90 games last year.  They got lucky in getting Pierre, thanks to the most fucked up team in baseball (Marlins) but the Cubs have a long history of lead-off hitters absolutely sucking.  The Cubs, already with 20 infielders on the roster, inexplicably traded for a utility infielder over the weekend.  Without Corey Patterson, that should contribute at least 5 more wins.  But it all comes down to Dum-Dum Dusty and the handling of the pitching staff.  He will somehow, actually have both the starters and relievers pitch way too much.  With the butchering of the ballpark, higher ticket prices with average to mediocre talent brought in, and disgruntled Cubs fans watching a glorious White Sox Championship, things can get ugly real quick if the Cubs tank in April, which very well could happen.  The next 3 teams I know very little about, but the Brewers will probably hover around .500 again, while the Reds & Pirates battle for last place.  Tho at this point, anyone but the Cardinals could end up in last place. 

The N.L. East. I don't have to tell you the last time a non-Braves team won that division was the '93 Phillies.  I don't know how they keep winning, but they do.  The Mets spent the money because they can, and even tho logic says they should win, they probably won't.  But if we see both New York teams in 1st place all year and meet in the World Series again, it is the apocalypse of baseball.  And isn't the Bargaining Agreement set to expire on December 31st, 2006?  Speaking of the Phillies, everyone thinks they'll be the surprise team of '06.  But If I've learned anything, it is to 'never count on the Phillies.'  As for the Washington Ball Club, they'll just be playing around and as for the fucked-up Marlins, they will lose least 100 games..possibly 110 or more.  If Dontrelle Willis ever wants to make the Hall of Fame, he better get the hell out of Florida 'cause his record is going to tank.  The Marlins might start off good after a great spring, but logic says that they won't be able to keep up with the talent for a whole season.  And we will know by July 1st if this team will be contracted or not.
<|  Sunday April 2nd, 2006  |>   "50% of Americans will die from obesity and the other 50% will die from cancer."







"....swing and Aaron Boone lifts a fly ball to left field for an out, and that's a White Sox World Series Champion winner!"  as John Rooney says.  But he didn't.  He's down in St. Louis calling Cardinals games.  And that's just not fair.  Why?  I'll tell you why.  Thanks to the Sox new flagship station (whatever the hell that means) the Score, with jackass Mike North and his mediocre radio show eating most of the payroll, the Score couldn't afford to pay Rooney "fair market value".  Way to treat the best radio announcer in baseball, Score.  That's why I'll be listening to the Score as little as possible. 

Tonight, before a 3 hour rain delay, the White Sox unveiled four banners: division winners, pennant winners, past World Series winners and finally, the 2005 World Series Champion banner, all each hanging from an outfield light tower.  It was the biggest night for the Sox in over 88 years.  And as for the game, the Sox took a 3-0 lead over arch rival Cleveland Indians in the 2nd, Cleveland tied it up in the 3rd, Indians ace C.C. Sabathia left the bottom of the 3rd inning with abdominal pain, and rain came in the bottom of the 4th inning.  3 hours later, the Sox explode for 7 runs and end up winning the game at like 1:30am with a 10-4 win.  But of course, Joe Crede was up to his old tricks, aka "Mr. Rally Killer", killing a bases loaded in a tie game and killing another rally with runners on base.  It is a very bad idea for him to be hitting 6th or 7th.  He should hit 9th, where he belongs.  Well actually, he should be a DF, "designated fielder" so he never, ever steps in the batter's box again.

Now, who do we blame for this 3-hour rain delay?  Why, ESPN of course.  They're the stupid idiots who always schedule the 1st game of the season way too early, and stick it on a Sunday night to show off the latest World Champion.  Never mind that the baseball season should start in mid April when it isn't so damn cold out, but the irony is that with so many pointless off days in April, the fact that the Sox have Monday off where the weather is supposed to be much nicer. 

And surprise, surprise, the Cubs are having trouble selling $42 to $60 bleacher seats, for almost every game in April  & early May, there are at least 1,500 to 3,000 seats open for each game, which is just unheard of.  I really don't see the point of spending $60 for a bleacher seat with only a back railing when you can sit right-center, center and left field for $18 less, and when box seats are cheaper & much closer.  The Cubs are just getting greedy and are trying to price out the average fan who really doesn't have $60+ to blow on tickets.  Typical idiocy of Cubdom.  And now a word from Manager Dusty Baker for pitchers: "I'm gonna ruin your arm!!!"
2005 WORLD SERIES





CHAMPIONS
<|  Tuesday April 4th, 2006  |>   "eBay auction: selling  son's beloved PS2 for punishment."







Embittered Assholes of the World unite.

By D. Rudager
Associated Press

CHICAGO, IL - "I told this Fuckface to 'fuck off', but he didn't listen.  I picked up a rock and threw it at him, but I missed & instead hit a Policeman."

A bunch of young people gathered on the streets today in Chicago of protest, chanting "we're sick of you god damn assholes and your trendy shit!"

While in a grocery store, I was taken aback, when right before the mostly-young adult angry mob passed by down the street, an old man was muttering expletives to himself, then inexplicably went over to the cash register, screamed "GIMME THAT THING!",  turned on the P.A. System that eeked feedback, and shouted into the microphone:

**along with distortion and heavy echo** "Attention shoppers!  I don't like it here!!!  And YOU don't like it here either!!!", and then the old man knocked over the microphone, gave a very confused cashier a dirty look, and walked out of the store and joined the protesters.

I have seen a lot of protests in my day, but never one quite like this.  These were mostly all kinds of young adults, screaming profanity and gross limericks at anyone and everyone, grabbing people's iPod's and snapping them in half while hurling them into space.   Protesters ripping plastic soda bottles out of the fat hands of teenagers and then drop-kicking them so they make a big-ass mess.  The protesters were also screaming,

"If you like celebrities, well you're just a stupid fat fuckhead with shit for brains!  You need the shit knocked out of your asses!!"

The motif of the protest wasn't particularly clear, but their themes seemed to be against phonies, celebrities, slutty women of the Pop Music world, participating in a war that didn't result in getting cheap oil, American Idol, Fast Food Corporations and drugs, and other things like the impending doom of Social Security, the overall fat laziness of Americans, the decay of society morale & manners, lame comic strips and 3-D embroidery on baseball caps.  They were all over the place, they were loud, confronting and pissed off.  And very bitter. 

"I don't give a god damn what everyone thinks!  If they're too damn stupid to realize how lame they are, well that's their own stupid fault.  They can rot in hell."

Incredible.  I asked another person who wasn't busy screaming at teenagers.

"You know, if any idiot can have a protest about something, why can't we?  We're tired of being the world's doormat & the world's sucker.   Things didn't used to be this fucked up like they are today."

So it is unclear where this movement will lead, but they will probably be coming to your town soon.  Very, very soon.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Wednesday April 5th, 2006  |>   "you get that god damn bouncin' ball outta here!!"







Things I can't believe.

The Pittsburgh Pirates used to be a consistent playoff team (sans 1980s)
The Detroit Tigers played in Tiger Stadium, used to hit a shitload of homers and was considered a contender in the A.L. East

Life before hearing the words "Starbucks", "Wal-Mart" or "Target".
Gasoline that cost .69 cents.
When the Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians and New York Yankees were last-place laughing stocks of baseball.

Gravel / dirt roads I once rode on are now 6-8 lane concrete highways
A pack of baseball cards cost .45 cents
A pack of cigarettes cost less than $2 with tax.
The Pittsburgh Pirates wore a yellow batting helmet.
Baseball half the time was played on Astroturf
They played NHL hockey without helmets.
When 18 year old Wisconsin kids could legally buy beer.
Life before hearing the words "blog" "internet" "email" "webpage" "ebay" "homepage" or "Google"
When gas stations gave out free drinking glasses after a $10 fill-up
When lotion, cleaning products and medication came as free samples in the mail.
Life before Spear Britney & all the other female slut popstars and boybands.
Life when TV didn't have blackbox ratings or station logos at the bottom of the screen.
When "Nutrasweet" was the national buzzword and there wasn't a cell phone tower to be seen.
Food / drugs didn't come with anti-tampering seals.
That people didn't have to wear seat belts or turn on their headlights in the rain.
Life before baby blood.  Yum!
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Thursday April 6th, 2006  |>   "...and he was so bad he got kicked out of Hell!"

I don't have to tell you that this was a disappointing series, with the White Sox losing 2 out of 3 to the Indians. Ozzie made a big error putting this Logan rookie in a 1-run game. If it was against the Royals, fine, but this is the Indians.  I don't think he's even pitched higher than A-ball. 

Rings & ceremonies aside, the Indians took this series and the Sox couldn't have looked more uncluch. And the Indians are laughing at us 'cause they pitched around Thome all day, hit 3 batters in one inning and only two runs crossed the plate, the Sox didn't retaliate, and their bullpen made a fool out of our hitters. Plus I was disappointed to see the stadium empty out in a tie-game.  I don't get it.  If you could be there at 1:30, where the hell do you have to be at 4:30?  And as for the Indians catcher & 1st baseman running into each other on that pop fly, I saw that coming a mile away.  That's always a good laugh.

The Sox better get their heads out of their asses. They should have won that game.

And I don't have to tell you Cubs fans that your team is in deep shit.  It doesn't matter if this was the first 2 games or the 3rd & 4th games of the season.  If your pitching staff gives up 15 runs in two games, you got problems.
<|  Friday April 7th, 2006  |>   "Dad, the cable's out, fix it now! you stupid fucking idiot!"







Damn blog.  Big 'ol thorn in my ass.  Damn fingernails growing all the time.

Well I believe we've entered the 1st stage of the apocalypse.  Again today, a single storm caused 12 tornadoes in Tennessee.  This nation is already had over 400 tornadoes this year and it's only April 7th.  The normal average at this time is around 110.  That just doesn't happen by accident, it's due to global warming.  And the oceans aren't getting any colder and the ice caps aren't getting any bigger.  There's just going to be more storms with stronger hurricanes and tornadoes and it'll just get bigger and bigger.

"man this show is so gay i just want to puke up shit and shit out puke." ~me

That little comment was about the latest lame-shit-comedy that has rolled out of NBC Studios: "Teachers".  What a sorry-ass show.  It's like the show is written by bad stand-up joke tellers and then reincarnated as soulless teacher characters.  You could tell the obvious use of a soundtrack and the occasional drunken laugh of a stage hand, it quite obvious that they couldn't get anybody to actually show up and watch this train wreck.  It will probably (or should be) canceled very soon, just like that zero audience attendance-shows like Four Kings.  NBC Studios has really churned out some terrible shit in the past 9 years. 

I was reading about the 500+ yards they added to the Augusta golf course since they're playing the Masters right now (an entry about golf?? There's a UDCP first).  Which of course the players are bitching that they ruined the course that had been the same since like 1932 by planting more trees, narrowing the fairway, moving almost all of the tees back, and how it favors big hitters and makes it that much harder for average golfers.  One thing I read and never noticed, is that the golfers competing don't even use the same kind / brand of golf clubs or golf balls.  I was surprised they didn't have a standard club or ball.  How is that even competition?  What the hell, man.  Plus I heard (somewhere a long time ago in some place) that they either have a joke for a steroid test or don't have one at all. 

Mozart for kids?  That's some pretty gay-ass shit.  These kids are gonna get beat up in school.  I don't care what anyone says, there's not a damn thing that's cool about Mozart.  Tho I'm sure my friend Mike would do his stick-boy karate Death Hand -Seizuring Technique on me when he reads this, but we were so close to having the Mozart culture completely die out.  We've almost done it with the Hippies, tho our efforts to extinctize pandas, spotted owls, whales and all cats & tigers has been fought with vigorous resistance.  Tho we can't get rid of deer because we still need to shoot at something that moves.....and can't sue.

I think I've soured on fish 'n chips.  Yesterday for lunch, I had the most greasiest, soppy battered fish ever.  Well, maybe it was always like that and I didn't notice or care, but I had a hard time eating it yesterday.  I don't know what kind of fish it was, but it was very meaty and soaked that deep frying oil up like a motherfucking sock.  I guess some switch was turned on in my brain when it suddenly said, "this food: bad!  That food: bad!".  Suddenly my brain has turned into some kind of saturated & trans fat - cholesterol � sodium calculator. 

During some website searching yesterday, I made my first-ever trip to the Long John Silvers website.  A long-time favorite of mine, with its huge diamond shaped battered fish, soggy fries and two hushpuppies (it used to come with coleslaw but since almost nobody ate it, they stopped giving it).  I of course usually ate 2 or 3 of these big fish, along with about 12 packets of tartar sauce and a large lemonade.  And of course, as curiosity killed the cat, I wanted into the nutritional section.  I noticed an alarming amount of trans fat.....4.5g per fish....and 2.1g from the fries.  And so, another childhood favorite bites the dust.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Saturday April 8th, 2006  |>   "The Fat Girl theme: Ice Cream is Good.mp3."







Boy people piss me off sometime.  Just makes me want to abandon them. 

I am of course talking about these baseball fans.  The fans who are constantly on the internet, bitching and moaning about "how cookie cutter / shamelessly fake these new retro ballparks are".  They bitch about how all the new ballparks look mid-20th Century, are full of luxury suites, stores and shit for brats.  And they have deemed these new ballparks as "mallparks".

Let me tell you something, you god damn Dust Bowl Era Liberals:  all these new ballparks are much better than the ones they replaced, and it's these rich luxury suites is what's keeping your team competitive.  Yeah okay, I'm done bitching about stadiums and their plan to add as many luxury boxes as possible; it's the reality of the times.  Who the hell is gonna keep the revenue flowing in; the average fan or the poor???  And what the fuck do you expect to be in a ballpark?  Nothing?  People like to eat, and they like to have choices.  I remember when I went to County Stadium, looking for some retro Brewers gear, there was only one souvenir shop and it was the size of a closet. 

And as for all the daycare shit they have for brats at a ballpark, what else do you expect?  Little brats have no attention span and wouldn't learn anything about the game anyway.  Do they earn their $30 to $70 seat?  Hell no.  There's much better and cheaper alternatives to grudgingly spend time with your family.  And besides, the ballpark is no place for little kids.  That's why there's minor league ballparks (and minor league baseball means minor league fun!)

Eric Gagne's elbow is hurt again and will miss at least 6 weeks.  Another bad idea on picking the Dodgers for a 2nd place finish. 

Even after watching the White Sox win the championship, Hawk, DJ and Joe Crede still annoy the living shit out of me.  DJ is an idiot if he thinks cold spring weather helps the pitchers.  He of course, is a dumbass.  It's harder for the pitcher to grip the ball, it's harder for the pitcher to stay warm & loose, there's all these windy Spring storms going around, and apparently even after seeing all the 11-7, 14-12, 10-6 multiple scores, he still doesn't get it.  What a dipshit. 

McDonalds makes too many god damn commercials.  Stop eating there, people!

At least we can always enjoy a foul ball rocketing off the umpire's face. Heheh.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Wednesday April 12th, 2006  |>   "get your finger out of your ass!"







Sexual Harassment down at the Zoo
By Dolph Rudager
Associated Press

CHICAGO - IL There has been an alarming trend going down in the Zoo industry for pretty much forever.  Zoo's...or "animal prisons", have been under an evil ploy by kidnapping innocent wild animals, and throwing them into tiny confined cages to weaken their muscles and defense system.  And then, they feed them crap, so they're all timid, and they've domesticated the animal, so it's all stupid, and so the keepers can grope and feel-up the animals.  While this is a sickness, zoo keepers "justify" their man-handling by saying "we're doing the animals a favor, and who doesn't want to see a bear!" 

Oh those poor bears; sitting there on a hard, painful rock; you can almost hearing them crying from being unable to defend themselves and report the crimes done to them.  And the dolphins don't look very happy. Exploiting those poor animals just for the glorification of their massive ego..... and for MONEY.  And the zoo is open every day of the year.   Oh that's awful, they have to endure the harsh Chicago winter.  That's so cruel.

Oh wait, my editor is yelling at me about something.  "Libel...you can't write that..... offensive..... Something something insane..."   Eh, I don't know.
<|  Sunday April 9th, 2006  |>   "Buy this car.... or DIE!!"







How do those fat people afford to eat so much damn food that makes them so fat?  And how can those fat people stand the Florida heat with all of their fatness?  I guess those fat people enjoy their $17 warehouse food and scarf it down their fat throats with their fat hands while resting their fat elbows on their fat stomachs while chewing on a fat piece of fat. Do they enjoy being that fat?  Is there something fun I'm missing about being fat?  Is this country in some kind of secret training of becoming Sumo Wrestlers for a tournament? 

And I'd like to brag that I lost another 5 pounds just by cutting back on my portions.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Monday April 10th, 2006  |>   "Hey fucked up Dog who eats puke!"







Fuck Machine / I'm In The Church medley
By D. Rugager

Fuck machine! Fuck machiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
Mmm baby I'm a fuck machiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Fuck machine
Fuck machine
Fuck machine
Fuck machine
Fuck machine

Spilling my love juice all over town
The ladies can't get enough of .........
The fuck machine.

I fuck so hard.......
It's illegal in 48 states....
But then after a bit......
I need to take a nap
a long nap!

Then after about 12 hours,
I'm all good to go again
'cause I'm a fuck machine

fuck 'n nap
fuck 'n nap
fuck 'n nap
fuck 'n nap
fuck 'n nap

**tempo change**

and I'm in the church
down on my knees
on my knees, baby!
I'm going down!
Downtown!
I'm crawling!
Oh baby, please, please, please, please, please
and I plead, plead, plead, plead,
going down, baby
I'm in the church
oh baby!
oh yeah!
workin' it, workin' it, workin' it
I've gotten downtown in the church
I'm all over
Down

END
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Tuesday April 11th, 2006  |>   "Dolph Rudager: the world's most violent man on dope."







Boy, the Reds really smacked the shit out of the Cubs!  And once again, the Reds starting pitcher went deep against Rusch.  I think it's pretty safe to say that when the wind blows out, the Cubs will lose. 

Boy that Teachers show really sucks.  I'd be really surprised if it's not canceled in the next week or two.  It's really that bad. 

Stupid damn blog.  Forgot I had this thing for a few days. 

Two things I'm once again remembered after completely forgetting about them: Freschetta portabella mushrooms & spinach pizza.  The 12" square frozen pizza with tons of cheese, mushrooms, spinach, onion chunks and white sauce.  I don't know why I keep losing track of these things.  The other thing: Spiced apple rings.  I haven't had one of those things since probably the 1980s.  What is it?  Basically, it's flat, donut shaped slice of an apple, and its soaked in a red syrup of sugar and red hot cinnamon.  In essence, like a red cherry.  But only spicier.  

Yeah, what else was I going to say?  Eh fuck it.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Thursday April 13th, 2006  |>   "when Dolph Rudager smokes dope, he gets really angry and violent."







Day 2: The Aftermath.

Comment on the Monday Dolph Rudager penned "Fuck Machine / I'm In The Church medley" lyrics: "You're not even trying anymore, are you?"

Dolph: "Nope."

Comment: "And the Church medley...."

Dolph: " 'Bout gettin' head in Church."

Comment on Wednesday's "Sexual Harassment down at the Zoo": "I can't believe you wrote that!  Suggesting zoo keepers molest animals!"

Dolph: "Well zoo keepers have gotten a free ride for way too long."

Comment: "Shameful!"

Dolph: "Eh whatever.  I got a lot of shit about it.  They were talking about revoking my Associated Press stature.  But I told the board to 'piss off'."

Comment: "How do you sleep at night!"

Dolph: "How do zoo keepers sleep at night?  Or those animals?  Those zoos smell like shit, too.  And I sleep on a bed, with blankets and a pillow.  And no animals!"

Dolph: "I'm working on publishing my assortment of diets: The "Where you eat whatever you want and as much as you want Diet", the "all cheeto & water Diet", the "Death Diet" and the "Batter & deep fry everything Diet."
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Friday April 14th, 2006  |>   "Dictator Dope"
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
Dolph Rudager
   
1. name is Dolph Rudager.     
2. Has a pet squirrel & beaver.  
3. Is a member of the Associated Press.

4. Is an accomplished musician, classically trained singer with many musical degrees and doctorates, and has won many Grammy's and written dozens of #1 hits.
5. Smokes 60 pounds of weed a day.

6. Gets very angry and violent while high on dope.

7. Thinks these Illinois Lottery commercials with Bernie Mac advertising the board game Monopoly-Lottery promotion is hilarious and awesome.

8. Eats whatever he wants, regardless of what facts or what his body tells him.
9. Absolutely hates sports.
10. Routinely pushes old people out of the way and screams at children in supermarkets & gas stations.
11. Will drive around in parking lot for dozens of minutes for the close spot.
12. Works out vigorously and takes steroids.

13. Drives a van.
14. Drives, eats, writes and lives very recklessly.
15. Favorite snack is spam & oysters.
16. Is an avid reader & book lover.

17. Writes fake letters to advice columnists.
18. Likes to waste toilet paper and trash rooms.

19. Once participated in a 8-woman orgy.
20. Does not shush people.
Me

1. Is not named Dolph Rudager.
2. Has no pets.
3. Is not a member of the Associated Press or of any organization.
4. Cannot play one instrument or sing or read music, and basically don't care for it much.


5. Does not smoke pot nor has ever.

6. Gets road rage a lot & thoroughly enjoys it.

7. Thinks it's just sorry-ass sad.




8. On a purification diet .

9. Loves sports.
10. Opens doors for everyone and is polite.


11. Will park anywhere.  An extra 20 or 100 feet isn't going to kill you.
12. Doesn't work out & has never taken steroids

13. Drives a car.
14. Is mostly low-key.
15. Favorite snack is cheese & crackers.
16. Believes we should burn more books & they're too expensive .
17. Has a phlegm problem.
18. Believes toilet paper is sacred & doesn't trash rooms.
19. Doesn't believe in orgies.
20. Is a shusher and proud of it.
<|  Saturday April 15th, 2006  |>   "don't stand...don't stand so...don't stand so much on my head."







Oh you don't fool me, Bulls.  You play like shit all year, have a sub-.500 record, and you win a few games and you're suddenly tied for the 8th spot for the playoffs, and you got 4 games left, including one against Miami.  You're not gonna fool me into thinking you're gonna make the playoffs!  You're just a tease.  A slutty, bitchy whore of a tease.  Just forfeit the last 4 games and quit teasing us and take the damn lottery pick. 

3 starts and no wins for Carlos Zambrano, the 3rd most over-rated pitcher on the Cubs staff.  Yeah, it's not wise to shoot your mouth off in Spring Training when you say your ultimate (and selfish me-first) goal is to win the Cy Young award.  No wins, a 4.86 ERA, a game where you balked, gave up a triple to the pitcher, who later scored on a wild & pointless pick-off throw to 3rd base that landed in the crowd.  Face it.  You're a mediocre lunatic pitcher with a fastball who was hailed as another 2nd coming of Jesus by Cubs fans.  I don't believe the hype.  They've been doing this forever.  Remember when Mike Harkey was the 2nd coming of Jesus?  Lance Dickinson?  Free agent Danny Jackson?  Anthony Young?  Mark Prior?  Kerry Wood?  And so, like a fool, they played you for a fool.  You won't even be "lucky" enough to play for the Yankees.  You'll probably end up rotting on some rotten Dodger or Mariner teams.

Ah, it's good to see the good 'ol Jon Garland I know and love back.  2 starts, 1-1 record, 13.94 ERA.  It's funny how it always seems like its windy when he pitches.  I see he's on perfect pace for his customary 12-12 record.

Shame on you, San Francisco Giants fans!  Shame on you stupid fuck ups!  You now have surpassed the Yankees as the worst fans in baseball.  Shame on you for giving standing ovations to a lying cheater whose used steroids, when he steps up to the plate or flys out.  You are pathetic.  You are so stupid.  Your complete bias and lack for integrity is appalling.  You'd worship the ground Barry Bonds walks on even if he painted houses with baby blood.  I'm surprised they haven't let fans carry Barry on their shoulders so he doesn't have to run in the outfield or on the bases.  You're that starved for a championship?  I guess the 49ers dominating the NFL for 25 years & winning all those Super Bowls wasn't enough for you cockchokers.  Bunch of gutless yuppies.  One of these days, you're gonna wise up, and are gonna want to shit all over yourselves.

The NBA has announced it is going with its controversial plan of replacing all hardwood floors with coarse concrete; citing it absorbs sweat instantly and provides better traction.  Those in particular who are outraged are mop-up boys, who will be fired instantly, and falling-down-prone center Tyson Chandler of the Chicago Bulls.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Sunday April 16th, 2006  |>   "You think you're so damn funny, don't you?  Well let me tell you something, Walking-Jackass..."







List 'o shit

1. I am absolutely convinced the baseball is juiced. 
2. Kraft dinner macaroni and cheese is pure shit.  The cheapest, shittiest noodles on Earth.
3. I am proud to say, I never liked Madonna or Tom Cruise.
4. Baseball teams are stupider than shit for continuing to pitch to Barry Bonds or Derrek Lee.
5. I hate that loud, fat fuck of a baseball fan in those Comcast commercials, where he has bleachers and his big-screen TV out in the backyard, while shouting with his friends.  They show it at least 15 times during Cubs / Sox games. 
6. I don't know why I watch SNL anymore.
7. Jimmy Fallon is a sorry-ass joke.
8. Music bores me, lately.
9. I tend to make up my own lyrics to songs & enjoy them better because of it.
10. Nice....this morning, it's going to rain cold water on all the children who are Easter egg hunting.
11. PeoplePC sucks.  No, really it does.  It take 4 clicks to close that fucker.
12. I just wrote a better SNL sketch than any "Debbie Downer" or "The Girl With No Gaydar".  It's called "The Girl With No Dick."  It's about a single girl.
13. Favorite foods 'o moment: garlic & herbs cheese spread and wheat & sesame seed crackers.  Cold tomato juice or V8.  Red grapes.  Orange juice from a white cardboard box.  Van de Kamp's battered haddock fish filets.  Cheezit nacho crackers. Tuna salad on rye.
14. Thought about writing a poem about something, but forgot.
15. I have to say, I'm very disappointed at how lazy the internet has been in the past 2 months.
15a. Easter is always on the first Sunday after the first full moon of Spring.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Monday April 17th, 2006  |>   "A one-eyed drunken motorcycle riding monkey could write a better sketch."







In my world, every shower would be ecstasy & 100% cleansing, instead of the unfocused & sloppy 16 minute shower I just took

In my world, home would always smell like turkey cooking in the oven. 

In my world, writing song parodies would be a breeze; quickly and easy, instead of the multi- hour consuming to yearly phase.

In my world, every person who runs across the street while shouting at someone would always get hit by a car in a comedic fashion.

In my world, with every song, you should be able to customize the way it sounds, and be able to hear each instrument or singer separately or mix n match, or put vocals in the left speaker, and the music in the right speaker, etc etc.

In my world, the country would be able to vote which celebrities to stop acting, singing or living in this country.

In my world, all soda and beer would come in 16 oz glass returnable bottles.  No exceptions. 

In my world, we finally admit that the Moon Landing was a hoax.

In my world, everybody gets their heads out of their asses and realizes Barry "Barroid" Bonds took steroids.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Tuesday April 18th, 2006  |>   "my Fux show is your Fux show and everybody's Fux show!"







No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Wednesday April 19th, 2006  |>   "due to your inability to remain incapacitated, we have no choice but to..."







I can't believe this.  I'm so angry I can't even write.  Well, I'll at least try.  I found out that Arby's, one of the greatest fast food restaurants in the world, has discontinued selling the Market Fresh French Onion Beef and Swiss sandwich.  If you remember, I wrote a blog entry on it.  It was huge, came on soft rye bread, tons of roast beef, onions and onion sauce.  I of course love onions.  But now it's gone, because it's a "seasonal product". 

God damn it!  I'm sick of these fucking places having seasonal items!  What happened to having choices??  What is the point of having limited time items?  Wendy's would make an absolute fucking shitin' boatload of money if they kept their Bacon Mushroom Cheddar melt on the fucking menu all the time!  That's one of the few sandwiches worthy of boycotting the Purification Diet.

And what the hell is up with Arby's changing the name of their sandwiches???  The Big Montana is now the Large roast beef, the Big Roast Beef is now the Medium Roast Beef, and the Regular Roast Beef is now the Small Roast Beef, and the Super Roast Beef is still the Super Roast Beef, and the Jr. Roast Beef is still the Jr. Roast Beef.  Got that? 

What the hell was the point of the name change??  And look at this Limited Time Offer menu:

Roast Beef & Cheddar Sourdough Melt
Ham & Swiss Sourdough Melt
French Dip Sandwich
French Dip & Swiss Sandwich
Loaded Potato Bites - Small (5 Piece)
Loaded Potato Bites - Large (10 Piece)
Fish Sandwich
French Dip Sub
Hot Ham & Swiss Sub
Roast Beef Sub
Turkey Sub
Philly Beef & Swiss Sub
French Onion Melt

That is ridiculous!  I've had most of those items and they were great, and almost all contained the standard roast beef.  Grrrrr!!

And my stupid Fantasy pitching staff, the St. Louis Cardinals at the moment, gave up fucking 12 earned runs and cost me -30 points!!  Grrrr!  Stupid Ass-Pirates.

Tho last night, I did enjoy some spontaneous road rage, when a flock of stupid ducks & geese were crossing the road at a turtle strut pace, and since I was on my way to pick up Chinese food, so you can understand the urgency of the situation.  So immediately, I lay on the horn, screaming something like "move your fucking cock-asses right now!!!" or something, as I rolled down the window and screamed at the flock who was about 2" inches from the front bumper.  I resisted the urge to run them over, but I don't want beaks and shit all over the car or the like 9 witnesses who had backed up around me, but it wasn't easy, with the over-whelming feeling that would drive any sane person to the crazy house.  Surprisingly, encountering the world's stupidest, blindest & deaf flock, apparently my loud screaming and loud car horn didn't phase them one bit.

Oh yeah, I just sat there, screaming about 20 profanities a second, and eventually drove around them once there was enough room, tho I hope I nipped one with the bumper.  Stupid asshole birds.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Saturday April 22nd, 2006  |>   "Too many people."







Yeah, let's go for a high fat, high saturated fat breakfast at Denny's!  Who likes to pay $6 for 2 pancakes, 3 links of sausage, eggs and various peppers and grease?  Nothing like starting off the day exceeding your quota of fats & sodium.

Speaking of pancakes, I've been reading about people who have died or had terrible allergic reactions to pancakes that came from expired pancake mix.  Yeah, it has something to do with mold growing on the yeast & flour, etc etc.  So now there's a new way to kill your significant other, right at the beginning of the day!  The bastard always hogged the 1st section of the paper, didn't he?

Globo Chem, is going forward with distributing to bars and restaurants its new & controversial "V-Pint glass".  It's a new drinking glass that looks like a ice cream cone with a thick coaster under it.  Kinda like a martini glass with no stem.  The reason why it's so controversial, is that its design was intended to be extremely weak at the base, so the glass would easily break, and tip over, thus spilling all that beer.  It was a fiendish plot to sell more beer.  Globo Chem has also seen a stark rise in beer napkin sales.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Thursday April 20th, 2006  |>   "I'm too old to learn HTML!!"

Realignment proposal:

NL East
Atlanta
New York Mets
Washington
Philadelphia
Pittsburgh
Cincinnati
Tampa

NL West
St. Louis
Chicago Cubs
Houston
San Diego
Los Angeles
San Francisco
Colorado

AL East
Boston
New York Yankees
Detroit
Baltimore
Cleveland
Toronto
Milwaukee

AL West
Chicago White Sox
Kansas City
Seattle
Texas
Anaheim
Arizona
Oakland

Contracted: Florida & Minnesota
Switched leagues: Arizona, Milwaukee, Tampa
Schedule: balanced
Wild Card: dead
Interleague: dead
Salary Cap: $45 million

A few thoughts about this new alignment:
- Sticking the Brewers back in the A.L. East, pissing off Selig that he no longer can rely on 10 visits from the Cubs & their fans each year (tho technically the Selig's don't own the Brewers anymore)
- Going back to a traditional A.L. East where the Tigers rightfully get back to their roots.
- A modest salary cap at $45 million.  This would result in player salary dropping dramatically, but it's still more than enough...or deserve
- Competitive balance is back, thanks to an even schedule playing everyone in the league the same amount of times.
- Suddenly now Pittsburgh, K.C. & Tampa can all compete on the same level as the Yankees or Red Sox.
- As of the moment, Minnesota gets contracted instead of Tampa, solely because of stadium issues. 
- The end of Interleague play.  This was a Selig idea, and there's never anything good about Selig ideas.  For every "natural rivalry", you get 5 shitty natural rivalries.  It's just stupid. 
- Even tho the season is a week shorter due to the death of the Wild Card, I'd shorten the schedule to at least 150 games, or which ever lower number makes a mathematically even schedule.
- The genuine pennant race is back.  And if your team is out of it on August 1st, then you should be out doing something else anyway. 

Tho personally, I'd like to see them get back to 4 divisions of six teams. The other four I'd like to contract: Tampa, Arizona, Colorado & K.C.  A couple of years ago, it would had been Montreal that would had been contracted.  I hate the idea of MLB in Colorado, because it's a horrible place to pitch.
<|  Friday April 21st, 2006  |>   "wow!  you are REALLY inbred!"







Well I haven't written about baseball much lately, so here it goes.

Derrek Lee is injured!  On a Rafael Furcal bunt, Cubs pitcher Scott Eyre dives for the ball (injuring his knee in the process) and toss the ball from his glove to Lee, who is staring 20 feet up in the air, watching the ball while standing right on the baseline, with a Furcal running at full-speed.  Lee's arm lands on Furcal's chest, resulting in two broken bones in the wrist area.  Yes, the same Furcal who toyed with the Cubs last Fall for a contract, only to take $4 million more a year with the Dodgers. 

If having Prior and Wood on the DL at the same time wasn't enough, now Lee goes on the DL for at least 8 weeks.  If it isn't obvious that this team has a hex on it, it should be now.  I don't understand how or why people can root for the Cubs.  There's nothing fun or enjoyable about mediocrity.  You think it was fun watching the White Sox in the late 1980s?  Nope.  And I wasn't even very baseball competent back then, either, and I knew it sucked. 

One by one, one of these days, some Cubs fan is gonna wise up while sitting in its bleacher seat, realizing that It had spent over $100 to watch the Cubs get four hits & give up 9 runs.  And the ballpark is nowhere even close to the blue collar "charm" that it once had.  It's a commercial whore now. 

After a relatively easy April schedule, May & June are much tougher.  Time to jump ship.  You know you want to do it.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Sunday April 23rd, 2006  |>   "There'll come a day when we won't need love."







Design this: Kid screws over Notre Dame
By: D. Rudager
Associated Press

SOUTH BEND, IN. - It's just so stupid.  Carl Blake, the highest touted NCAA Football players in the history of the sport; and the most NFL-ready freshman ever seen; has decided to quit Notre Dame football & forfeit any chance of being what would had been a sure # 1 NFL pick........to study architecture. 

Carl: "I just love buildings."

Coach: "What a dumbass.  I didn't sell my children or leave my wife of 22 years to coach here for nothing.  Like there's any shortage of architects!  What about tight ends??"

Architecture over football.

I've seen a lot of things in my day.  But I have never seen anybody so ungrateful. 

Carl: "Ever since I watched Seinfeld, how George Costanza was an architect.  I mean, there's nothing cooler than being an architect!  I just love George Costanza too much!  I mean, where will I be in 40 years?  I don't know, but it'll have to do with architecture!"

I think this kid sniffed one too many of his own farts.  Never mind that a one-of-a-kind God given athlete, would have made so money in his rookie season of the NFL that he'd be able to live off of that for 40 years.  And there's no law that says you can't have a career in the NFL & go back to school afterwards & finish that 5-year architecture major.  Never mind that George Costanza himself is NOT REAL and was NEVER an architect!

Coach: "We play 11 games a year. Is that REALLY too much to ask?? God damn selfish kid.  Doesn't he realize he's living in forces not comprehendible beyond his wildest imagination??  Football is God in Notre Dame!"

His former teammates have already begun their retaliation and vowed for more revenge.  From an unidentified one:

"Yeah, uhhhhhh, he made big mistake!   We' gonna after him!  He dead-man on campus!  We already went after his car, we already set up team at his local hangouts!  We gonna egg him!  Yeah! Uhhhhhhhhhhhh....Yeah! ARF! ARF!  Football rullllllllllllles!" while chest-butting with another teammate.

Taking away of football scholarship.

Of course, what Carl didn't realize, that is if he quit football, he'd lose his full $60,000 a year scholarship. 

Carl: "Shit, now I got four years of  $60,000 a year tuition to pay for out of my own pocket, Guess I really fucked up.  But I just love buildings and George Costanza so much!"

While this reporter is no fan of Notre Dame, which resides in Illinois Jr., I am just flabbergasted at how stupid this young man is.  Think of the millions of guys who wanted to play Notre Dame football but can't.  Carl's parents were not pleased.

Mr. Blake: "I hope Carl gets his head out of his ass one of these days.  I hope he realizes that we don't have the $60,000 a year to pay for his schooling, and that there's no bed for him here at home anymore.  I never thought a TV show could ruin his life.  For god's sake, he broke every single high school state record!!  He was destined for sports!"

Hey Carl, if architecture doesn't work out for ya, then maybe you could work in real estate, or at Tyson Chicken, or work for the Yankees, or be a hand model! Yeah!
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Monday April 24th, 2006  |>   "if I had a hammer, I'd take it to your face."
Alright, EVERYBODY JUST COOL DOWN!!!!

Gasoline prices are getting really high, and it's almost summer.  COOL DOWN!!  I'm telling you right now: drive as little as possible!  Or: Don't drive at all!!!  I mean it!!  AHHHH!  AHHHH!  AHHH!!   Just cool down!!!

If you take Sunday drives, you better cut that out!   Going to drive to the lake this summer or visiting a relative?  Seriously get rid of that plan.  This is crunch time.  I'm sick of these oil companies making huge profits, so it's time to stick it to them.  Do what you have to do: cut out as many trips as possible.  Walk to places.  Ride your bike or rollerblade.  Steal gas from your neighbor's tank.  Hitchhike as much as humanly possible.  Jump in the back of trucks and go for a rides.  Make your own bootleg gasoline.  Take the train or the bus.  Carpool.  And if you're a school, discontinue all bus service, or better yet, cancel the school year.  It's just cheaper that way.  And instead of going out to dinner, order in take-out, and cheaply tip or don't tip at all.  It's one of the few loopholes left. 

It's time for gasoline rebellion.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Tuesday April 25th, 2006  |>   "college athletes are paid, it's called "scholarships"."
(move) The Chain
D. Rudager

Listen to the whistle blooooow
Watch the ball rise.

Run in the slow ways
Damn your fat
Damn your fries.

And if
You don't put it down
You will never lose the weight
I can still hear you screaming
You would never break the plane

cold december wind bloooooooows
Down thru the stadium

Run from the steroiiiiiid [testing]
damn your dog.
damn your life.

Break the collarbonnnnnnnne
Damn the rules .
Damn the 'pads.

And if
You don't fall down now
You will never hold possession
I can still hear you screaming
You would never fake the pain

**unfocused guitar-led instrumental bridge**

[chaotic mindless chanting during loud fade out]

Monnnnnney will keep the team together
Running up and down the field!
Drugggggggggggs will keep us on the field!
Running around to get on the highlights!
Drugggggggggggs will keep us together!
Running away from the rules!
Damn the refs, damn your house, damn the drug tests!
Running through the held linesmen!
Downnnnnnnnnnn with the salary cap....
Running up the anytime minutes!.
Monnnnnnnney will keep coming.........

END
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Wednesday April 26th, 2006  |>   "Lazy Leper."
I am he as you are he as you are he and we are all together
By: D. Rudager
Associated Press

"if you asked me to give up the hand of the girl I love / If you tell me that I'm not the man she's worthy of..." ~ Rolling Stones "You better move on"

Well I suppose you make a pretty good point.  Might as well get rid of her, then.  And that brings up another good point: dating partners, spouses, pets, food products, household items, insect pests, automobiles, lawns and especially children are disposable. 

Of course, Dr. Phil would tell you the opposite.  But of course, people have been doing this for centuries.  Suppose you got a bratty child that's worse than a wild dog.  People have been dealing with this forever.  They'll send the kids away to a religious or private school, dump them on the grandparents or some relative, or ship them off to military school or boot camp, or put it up for adoption, even if the kid is 17 & college bound. 

Now suppose it's some psychos who have a demon child, and one of the psycho parents is about one scream away from giving a full-fledge blood-shedding beating & won't stop until the job is done.  This person is also demanding to get rid of the child, which isn't a bad idea at all.  Now you say to your psycho-self,

"now, I'm a pretty screwed up person, and so is this child.  Being a psycho and all, us being together means we'll still be just as psycho.  So if I dump this psycho child off on someone else, it has a much better chance of getting fixed and a better life."

Or maybe you're lazy.  Or cheap.  Or you actually really don't like children, and don't feel like being a parent anymore, and want to get back to being a childless or less-children couple.  What's stopping you?  Morals?  Society?  You don't owe an explanation to anybody!

And there's nothing cute about "acute".
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Thursday April 27th, 2006  |>   "I have secrets thatI'm taking to my grave."

King of the Hill theme: the unsung lyrics

killing ducks, killing ducks, killing ducks, killing ducks, i want to kill some ducks,
killing ducks, killing ducks, killing ducks, killing ducks, i want to kill a whole bunch of ducks,

dead ducks, dead ducks, dead ducks,
I killed a whole bunch of ducks
killed ducks, killed ducks, killed ducks, killed ducks, and,
that's done with.
<|  Friday April 28th, 2006  |>   "Migraine Mary"
Oh Delmon Young, you ball of rage, you! 

In what was a huge strike (no pun intended) for baseball player's constant battle of supremacy & upperhand with umpires, in the 1st inning of a Durham Bulls (yes, the same team from the movie) / Pawtucket Red Sox Triple-A game, Young took a called 3rd strike, stood in the batters box for a good 5 seconds, said something to the umpire, walked away, the ump ejected him, which Young promptly tossed his bat, hitting the umpire in the shoulder & chest.  Replays of the video (at least by my method of putting a piece of paper on the screen covering where the plate is)  the pitch does indeed disappear into the paper; thus a strike. 

The ironic thing is, this was a scab ump.  The real umps had already had an agreement to come back from their strike, and had it happened a day or few sooner, this incident probably would have never happened.  And this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen happen.  Everybody enjoys a good altercation with an umpire, especially if something physical happens to the ump i.e. gets punched, gets spat on, gets hit with a foul ball or a pitch.  And especially brawls, bloody punches, broken bones, intentional pre-planned beanballs to the head via Jose Mesa to Omar Vizquel (3 for 3 so far).  That one was due to a book Vizquel wrote about Mesa blowing their '97 Game 7 of the World Series save to the Marlins.  And don't believe anyone when they say "this is bad for the game / is a bad example for kids".  That is complete and utter bullshit.  They are lying.  Brawls are great for the game.  It makes it a better game and a better sport because of it.  It shows the players aren't completely emotionless and completely content with their millions of dollars. 

And real baseball players don't need batting helmets, nor do real catchers need a mask or pussy chest protectors.  Real shortstops & 2nd basemen sharpen their cleats and look forward to landing right on top of a sliding baserunner.  And everybody knows that every home plate umpire is bribed by both teams, it's just a matter of who gives more.  And real catchers, when they figure out that the other team had won the bidding war, would intentionally "forget" to catch pitches so they hit the umpire.  I saw it happen at a White Sox game last year.  It was a weekend home game; I think against the Oakland A's.  A.J. Pierzynski was catching for the Sox, and it was clear that the Oakland A's pitching staff was getting the calls.  So late in the game, a Sox pitcher threw a high fastball, which A.J. lazily stuck his glove up in a half-ass attempt to catch the ball, only to watch the ball land on the umpire's face.  It was a great moment and people applauded.  That's why you watch baseball games. 

And I don't feel sorry for Delmon.  He's only 20 and he'll make his millions soon enough. (already has!)
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Saturday April 29th, 2006  |>   "the Rudager Factor: a no spin-zone."
Leave it to the Chicago Bears to fuck up an NFL draft.  They were not content with the #26 pick, citing "it was just too damn good" and traded down for a #42 pick.  Citing their biggest concern is Tight End, so naturally they pick a Safety from a Division II Christian school from west Texas who has an average attendance of 3,000.  A player who probably didn't expect to get drafted, let alone in the 2nd round.  So naturally, still having not addressed the Tight End problem, they then select an inexperienced Cornerback from Miami, who probably won't even play this year and was described "extremely rough".  Then of course, with their Tight End problem still not addressed, they select a DT from Oklahomo who once severely beat up a friend in a drunk brawl at a bar.  You gotta love that.  So now, they'll have to get a Tight End with a very low 4th round pick when there's very few left.  5 of the last 7 years, the Bears have traded down their high picks.  Update: They never drafted a Tight End!!  (LB, DE, FB, OG)

This wasn't about selecting the best players in the draft.  This was about being cheap.  This is about being the most incompetent team in football.  This was about gambling on hit-or-miss players.  I don't understand this team.  I should become a Green Bay Packers fan. 

You know the price, people.  A replica of a cheesehat made entirely of edible super sharp cheddar cheese.
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
<|  Sunday April 30th, 2006  |>   "Cursed? Hexed? Exorcised??  had dark forces controlling her life? possessed?  Maybe your gf is just a super freak!""
Nice, Carlos "Me First" Zambrano just gave up a 4th run, and on a 2-0 count, threw a ball a foot behind Carlos Lee at bat.  This is Classic Zambrano, gives up another RBI-double that was a very catchable ball off the leftfield wall.  Carlos doesn't like it when fielders screw up!  So he throws a hissy fit with his wild, over-thrown pitches!  Oooo, another head-high fastball!  Hee hee hee hee hee hee!  Such poor composure!  And there's back-to-back walks, and he's going, "why me, God?  Why me?"  And did I tell you it's only the 5th inning, a 4-0 Brewer lead, and no outs?  Oh ya, Koskie basehit, 2 runs score.  Watching Zambrano pitch while losing is like watching a bus's wheels fall off.  And the line:  4 IP, 8 hits, 7 ER, 4 BB,  5 K.  0-2 record with a 5.36 ERA.  I guess it wasn't so good of an idea to declare winning the N.L. Cy Young this year, now was it!

"The wheels on the bus come off and off, off and off, the wheels on the bus come off and off, off and off, all through the run scoring!" 

I think the next dugout jacket that he gets fitted for should be a strait jacket. 

And btw, leave it to Saturday Night Live to fuck up their own clip show.  They showed 24 of the best TV Funhouse episodes, along with "live" animation commentary from the Ambiguously Gay Duo with some cameos of the inferior SNL cast.  So there was a couple of problems with this show.  Apparently the "Disney Vault", only a week old from its debut, was considered a Best Of already.  They also played that awful sketch, "Shazang", with the two kids & the genie, which was also from this season.  And then they did the most fucked up thing yet:  they only showed parts of certain episodes.  What the fuck was the point of that???  I didn't get to hear the fat Anna Nicole Smith-parody Smurfette say "Oh, I need to masturba.....I mean, I need to Smurfbate!"

Papa Smurf: "Good girl!"

How could they cut that out???
2005 WORLD SERIES



CHAMPIONS
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